My oldest daughter will be 5 late September and has always been very social. Not long ago I worried that her younger sister is too anti-social... But now I'm concerned about some things my older one says. She was a demanding baby and toddler so perhaps is a rather needy or insecure person inherently. But she has many friends, does well in school, we tell her often how much we love her, and we praise her a lot though we're conscious not to over do it etc. Lately at bedtime, she finds something to throw a huge fit about. We're not sure if it's because we got a dog a little over 2 weeks ago and I need to walk him for 10 min after she should be asleep anyway. But since she's not falling asleep these days, she may be upset that I'm not always in my room when she comes to check. So that may be driving these 30-40 min hysterical crying spells and I guess we'll deal with that but last night she was saying she wished she wasn't herself. She wished she were her friend, Grace, who had been over that day. It came up because it was the first day of gymnastics camp today (they go once a week for an hour and LOVE it) and the form said based on the length of her hair, she'd need to wear it in a ponytail. I mentioned it and it started a HUGE crying fit. Bad enough but again, what concerns me is when she said "I wish I wasn't me." Or "I wish I was Grace" (who has longer hair) Last week she threw a fit for 30-40 min because she wants to wear glasses like Grace. I can kind of understand that but has anyone had a daughter who already at this age didn't like herself at times? Objectively, my daughter is fine looking, not more or less attractive than her friend. She has wished she was someone else in the past a few times and I think said she wished she wasn't herself a couple of times too. Is this normal??? Thanks
Sorry to say but it sounds normal to me. My daughter is 5.5 years and she wants to be just like her best friend. When she is over tired there is meltdowns and when she is mad she is malipulative. Take lots of deep breaths and know you are not alone:)
oh wow P.....your oldest sounds like mine1....she always says....I want to be the old me and move back to Texas.....my daughter also deals with social anxiety....but does well in school, her outside activities as well as have many friends....when all of this started with us....I decided to take her to a therapist to basically help us and her use positive tools to get her through what's going on.....it has helped....your daughter may be rebelling against any kind of change...or have a delayed reaction to some change.....I give my daughter more "mommy" time..and that seems to help with things as well as giving hre more time to explain herself etc...
Yes, it is normal. You need to comfort her and deal with why you are worried about this. Try to involve her in a sport like softball or soccer that will help her to feel she is excelling on her own. Girl's do this - We have a beautiful 15 year old who did it at that age, also. She just completed her Freshman year of High School and got her Varsity Letter in softball. Her confidence in herself came very much through her playing sports. She is also starting a Youth Prayer Group at our Church and plays with a travel competetive softball team. Just support your daughter and also het her into some interactive sports. I wish you well and great things for your daughter and family.
I don't know if it is normal or not, but it sounds awfully familiar. My daughter is 7 now and a real delight, but it is only in the last year that I've been able to say that. She was also a demanding, high needs baby and toddler. She had a lot of social anxiety in kindy and starting saying things like, "I wish I weren't having my life," and "Everybody thinks I'm stupid." She has always had big expressions of angst (i.e. temper tantrums) over small things. I had her evaluated by a developmental psychologist who said she has trouble processing social cues and recommended a social skills group. We didn't have the money for that, but I did take her to a psychologist for a few months. We moved in 1st grade and her new school has social skills groups for the kids who need it! She is like a new child. Maybe she would have grown out of it, but I was scared to wait and see.
Dear P.,
As i read about your concerns with your daughter my only advise i have to you is to continue "listening" to her and let her know that we are all unique and special in YOUR eyes and Gods eyes too! Not one person in this world is made the same and this is why she is so special. Grace may have some talents that your daughter may not have but vice versa. : so again my only advise to you is to continue to let her know how truly special she is and unique in her own way.....Good luck and God bless ....keep up the good work. P.S. I have a 16 year old daughter and 18 year son.
L.
This is the age that you will have to constantly point out things that are great about her. If she colors really well compliment that and tell her what a great artist she could be someday etc. At this age sometimes kids don't really know what is great about themselves and often envy others. My child at 5 told me how lucky his friend was because he gets to have TV Dinners (frozen dinners) every night. (His parents both worked at night and his Grandpa lived with them and was 87) I told him that his friend was lucky, but he was lucky too because we could all sit down and eat a healthy meal together as a family and his friend did not always get to do that but we could invite him to eat with us and he would think that "we" were lucky. Just try to think of things to make her appreciate her own life with real life stories.
On another note, my son did the same thing when we first got our dog. He would get mad at the dog etc. but I had to show him how love creates a bond between dog and child and how the dog will love him and protect him if he just shows her lots of love and gives her kisses. Now he looves her and kisses her to the point where she runs and hides to get a break-smile!
Good Luck and you are doing a great job as a mom!!! We don't get told that enough.
Oh I remember all too well wanting to "be" a classmate of mine, in about the second grade...she had long, thick, dark braids (my hair was stringy and pale) and she had a "cool" mom who wore fashionable career clothes (my mom was stay-at-home, which in her case meant she stayed home all day watching soaps and smoking virginia slims.) I don't know if it's "normal" or not, but I think most girls, at one age or another, long for someone else's life...maybe some women do too :)
But I know how you feel. My husband is dark, and I am white as can be, blonde hair, freckles & blue eyes. My daughters have GORGEOUS brown skin and deep amber brown eyes, and guess what? They both, between the ages of 4 and about 10 or so wished they could be blonde! I don't know if it's a cultural or media thing, but as a previous poster said, just keep pointing out to your daughter what makes HER special. In my case, when I shop with my girls I'm quick to point out all the cute colorful clothes that look so nice on tan skin.
Hang in there!
Hello, Don't worry it is normal. My daughter now 7 had a friend named Grace that she wanted to be like. Well until Grace got 5 referrals and almost got kicked out of Valley Christian. So what I did was point out things that made her feel special. My daughter looks just like me so I tell her that she is mommy's special girl and that she is my mini me. She loves that. I will yell down the hall "I love you" and she will yell back I love you too. When we get dressed I would say "let's pick out a "COOL" outfit today so you can be the best dressed". I kiss her and we have whats called "mommy time" That's when whatever we are doing no matter how busy I am, I stop hold her and let her tell me whatever it is that she wants to talk about, rough day, friends, anything. It has now become routine, any time she gets frustrated, upset or sad, even when it is with me I ask her do you need some mommy time and she always says YES! We talk about when she was a baby and how important she is to me. I tell her that no matter what friends she has I want her. She is the one I want not "GRACE". Seems to work so far. I hope it helps.. Good luck!
Sounds to me like she's found your button and is pushing it hard! She must have realized that it freaks you out when she says she wishes she was someone else. I would just ignore that stuff, and concentrate, instead, on solving the tantrum issue. There's absolutely no reason a five year old should be allowed to have hysterical crying spells for 30 minutes over nonsense. Tell her to go to her room, close the door, and don't come out until she has finished crying.
You are describing a pattern. No, it doesn't sound normal at all, for that age--adolescence, maybe!
However, you said that her crying fits are at bedtime. If this stuff comes up mostly at bedtime, it could mean that she just doesn't want to go to bed. = )
Do you know her friends well? Is it possible that her friends say things like this or are causing her to have low self-esteem by making hurtful or catty comments.
I have heard of some young girls (older than your daughter, maybe 6 or 7) making shallow and hurtful comments. This is unusual for the age, and is almost certainly learned behavior. Try talking to the nanny, and your daughter's teacher to see if they have observed these comments and crying, and listen carefully to conversations with her peers.
One more thing---TV. Sometimes kids' show characters are very emotionally dramatic and age-inappropriate. Pay close attention to what she watches, just in case.
