Concerned About a Family Members and Their Kids

Can you offer to babysit for them once a week to give her a chance to get out with her husband or with girlfriends by herself. While babysitting teach the kids how to clean up, make a game of throwing away the popcans and water bottles. Teach them about putting toys away and even 2 and 3 year olds can play those games when mommy is home. The mom might feel overwhelmed and seeing the house cleaned on a regular basis, she may feel better about keeping it up... but the best thing is giving her some adult time which could help out with her depression.

Do you have a family matriarch? An older woman, great-aunt, grandmother, etc. who is graceful and that everyone respects and looks up to? I'd talk to her about the situation and ask her to talk to go and visit your family member unexpectedly and have a gentle talk. It might take a kind word from an "elder" - someone who has earned her place and is well loved - for your family member to see her situation through new eyes. With you being her close companion and someone who is on the same level, your words could make her more defensive and might not solve the problem.

Show her the website Flylady.net. You could get her the book "Body Clutter" by Marla Cilley, but she's probably not going to read it...at least not now, anyway. Get a sitter or another family member to take the kids out of the house for a few hours so you can shine her sink.

Tell her the first day that all the two of you are going to do is shine her sink. If the kids are there, make a game of it and they can help pick up the garbage and put it in the trash. While you're doing the sink, light a candle. It's a pampering thing, it soothes the nerves, and it makes the house smell better! :)

Where's Hubby in all this? Is he tryiing to help out, or is he chastising her for the state of the house and complaining about how he doesn't get enough attention? In essence, making the problem worse by making her feel even MORE of a failure. (To be honest, I want to sue the marketing company for the Enjoli commercial...google it, if you are unsure what I'm referring to.)

I've been where she is...all except I didn't have insurance, so no medication. Flylady helped me learn to love myself, realize that I need loving, too, and that it's okay if I pamper myself and show myself love, especially if I'm not feeling much love (or help) from anyone else in the house. I got out of my depression, cleaned up the house, and taught my boys how to pick up and clean up as well. (They were 2&4 at the time.)

Take her out for coffee, lunch, shopping, whatever, WITHOUT the kids or hubby...go for a pedicure! It does absolute WONDERS for the soul...more than the soles! :)

She needs your love, acceptance, understanding, and unconditional support...she's condemning herself more than anyone ever could and my guess is that Hubby is adding to it.

I feel for her, and for you, not knowing how to help. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

Sorry I am so late, but I saw this and had to comment! does she work out side the home? I work full time as does my hubby. We have 3 kids age 6,3,and 1month. My house is a mess! I feed my kids at least 3 meals a day, they are clean (or as clean as boys can get::). I get up at 6 to get to work and do not get home until 6 at night. By the time I make supper and do homework with my oldest it is 8:30-9 at night. I get the kids to bed and my hubby off to work and then feed my newborn and clean the house until around midnight. I'm am always exusted and togeather my hubby and I do the best we can. (my hubby watches the kids durring the day so we do not have daycare, but as he works nights he is so tired he doesn't do much house work). My sister-in-law who does not have kids came over and told me she was going to call social services on us! I was so mad! I would like to see her do everything that we do! My hubby and I work out butts of to keep the house as clean as possible. So I have to ask...Do you know the whole situation? It is nice that you care and are trying to help, but also becarefull and know that she may be doing her best. Offer to babby sit the kids for a while so she can catch up or make up a bunch of meals for her so she can just heat one up and does not have to take time to make dinner or supper all the time. Also buy them paper plates and cups so there are less dishes! Good luck!

"There are dishes piled all over the house, and there are toys and laundry, papers and everything else all over the house. You can barely walk through. "

This sounds like she has a hording disorder which is a serious medical/mental disorder. Google hording, there are two television show on it and you can see what the mental disorder does/ is helped. Good luck

I don't think the anti-depresents are working. She may need to have her situation re-evaluated.
a few questions:
1) does her hubby help around the house or contribute to the mess?
2) does she work outside the home?
3) do you know what is contributing to her depression?

She needs to understand if someone calls child protective services or animal control she could lose both her kids and her pets. House keeping is a habit a person get themselves into. She may need some help on a daily basis for a few weeks. Help her by making a chart of things to do daily. On Monday she cleans the living room, Tuesday the bedroom, Wednesday, the bathroom, etc. Or Monday is for picking up, Tuesday for dusting, Wednesday, vacuming etc. Her hubby and the kids need to be on board and help out. The kids are not to young to pick-up toys and put laundry away. Having a waste basket in every room helps alot too. Everyone puts their own dishes in the sink after each meal she and hubby can trade days to load the dishwasher or wash dishes.
I read something many years ago: "never complain about having to do dishes--if you have dishes to wash you have food to eat" The same idea can be applied to your home. If she is suffering from depression she may not see how lucky she really is. Developing an 'attitude of gratitude is the best thing we can do. We tell ourselves how lucky we are to have a home and a family and a job and build from there.

I don't know if depression is what is causing her household condition, but there is never an excuse for trash being out around children, for possible cat feces to be anywhere in a house (and if a house smells like a litterbox, the cat probably notices it to, and refuses to use it because it's so dirty...leaving other options for the cat...), and for a dangerous environment.

I mean, so many of us have children under the age of five...I have two, myself, and I am forgiving if the loads of laundry pile up in the basement baskets, if I skip doing dishes one night a week and let them sit in the sink until the next morning, or let a stack of papers get a few inches high on my desk...

...but this person, it sounds like, needs real help. Not anyone attempting to help...because, as kind hearted and concerned as you obviously are, this is a true problem with an underlying cause. I won't speculate as to what is causing it, but I've seen conditions like that for a number of reasons...hoarding, depression, drug use, and sheer laziness. Three of those can truly be helped, and it's wonderful that you want to.

Check for resources in your local community, or just talk to her about it and see if she understands why it is what it is.

I hope you can help!

My mom used to be a professional organizer and it sounds from your description like she/they may be a hoarder. One thing my mom learned real quick is that you can go organize and clean for them but if you don't change the mental disorder, it will always go back to the way it was. If she has piles and paths in her house, she is a horder, it's not just messy because of the kids. She needs mental health help.