Communication with Ex About Sons Needs and Patterns

I know you want your wife back but that is not going to happen. If you continue to wait for her to change then all you are going to do is increase your and your child's suffering. You really need some leagal advice to get this custody matter taken care of. She is leagally responsible to help support your child finacially. Now there are some programs you can look into. First I would try your local welfare department for some resources. They would know if there are legal groups and family support groups that could help you. Who knows you might even qualify for a little finacial help but more importantly you can be with other people who are going through the same thing. You can learn from their expirences.

The most important thing you have to worry about is the health and welfare of your son. As long as he feels loved and safe then you are doing a great job. If you are unable to provide the basic necessities for the two of you then legal action must be taken. You may want to start documenting everything first. Mark down every day when you have your son and what you buy for your son. Save receipts! Also write down if you take him to his doctor appointments. In addition, you should write down when she has your son and what she provides for him. Because you are a father you will have to have all this proof in order to be taken seriously. Once you have several weeks of documentation (my guess is you would need 6-8 weeks, but that is only a guess) that shows her neglect, then take it in to family court and seek legal action. A good lawyer will be able to tell you what your best options are. Your ex will probbaly one day regret what she has done, but your son is living and growing now and he does NOT have the time to wait for her to wake up and realize her mistakes. It could take her years to do so, so please don't wait for her to change or hope she does. You will only be hurt again.

Hi A.- sorry for the rough break with your wife. It is always hard to judge a situation from thumbnail sketches, but here are some thoughts: If your former wife is roughly 27 years old, then by today's standards she is quite a young mother, and may just not have been ready for it all. In particular, if she married you in her early twenties, you were both betting against the odds. Good for you for being responsible (someone has to be), but be very careful not to seem holier-than-thou; she won't respond well.
It sounds as if you want a memory to return and become real; I am guessing that that memory was never more than a perception on your part. This doesn't mean this young woman is necessarily a horrible person, or turning into one; she's just floundering around at the moment, and probably being pretty brutal with you because she needs you to let her go.
I suggest you do so, and meanwhile be very grateful that you have 70% custody of your child. The law will protect you from being grossly underpaid regarding child support; my experience is that no divorced person in a custody/child support situation feels they have a good deal. Your best bet is to focus on your son, grieve the loss of his mother, and move on. I wish you all the best- RB

Ok well I hate to be the one to put this so bluntly but....I truly feel that if she doesnt want to be with her son 24/7 there is no hope for her. I have twin 2 year old girls and I would choose hanging out with them over any thing...really anything! So if she chooses to go out with friends unstead of her family she is a shitty mom...and there are alot of them out there my mother was horrible I was raised by my grandparents so I only wish I had a great dad like you to step up and raise me! I hope you have a great support system around you and know that you can do it!!! you are a role model to your son and all men!

Hi A.~ I think you should try writting your concerns in a letter. Sometimes women don't respond well to ex's telling them what to do, but if it is written in a nicely worded letter then she might respond better. She also might feel like she missed out on something if she is a young Mom. I became a Mom at 18 and I went through something simular in my early twenties and I totally regret it now! I am a hands on mother of three now and I stay at home with them and never party. My whole world revolves around them. I think it will take your ex a while to come around. Unfortunately she needs to do her thing right now and all you can do is offer her support and try to talk sence into her in a nice way. If all else fails you can always go to court and get child support from her, if you have more custody and she makes more money then you are entitled to child support. Keep a detailed journal of encounters with her, good and bad.
Good luck to you and your son,
A.

Go to court. Prove to the court that you are taking care of him and doing all this and that she is not. Be prepared for a fight- because unfortunately California is a mom happy state. You can go to the court house and fill out a dissomaster (in the family court dept) and do it with you having 70% custody and her 30%. If you have a calendar that stats when you had him and when she did that will help alot. REMEMBER DOCUMENTATION ALWAYS....

I'm sorry your going through this; sounds like she is lost for now and what is important in life, partying and meeting new people can never replace your child! She is going to regret it when and if she ever wakes up from this life she is living. Hopefully for the baby she wakes up and sees what she is missing and doing, hang in there and remember your son has you to be there for him, even though it may get tough at times your all he has. He will never forget that when he grows up. Hang in there!

Sorry to hear about your predicament. I am not a legal expert, but can't you go back to your lawyer and tell the judge what is happening? It needs to be documented that she is not complying with the agreement. There are programs called "co-parenting" that are available; some voluntary, and some court-ordered, that I have heard can help. Look into those. You can't wait for her to change. Go to war and go for 100% custody. Unfortunately, staying in la-la-land, hoping she'll change only keeps you at her whim. Your kid shouldn't be exposed to her boyfriends and/or inappropriate behavior.

If she makes that much more money than you do, you should at least seek child support from her, for the benefit of your son. They can garnish her wages to get it, if she is uncooperative. You will have to take the initiative and go file for the child support and not wait for her to help you -- she is still your son's mother and therefore is financially responsible for his care, whether she wants to be a part of his life or not.

As for "wanting the wonderful mother of your child back", evidently she doesn't want to be that person right now and there is probably nothing you can do to change that. She will have to come to the realization that she is the one losing out on precious time with her child in order for her to change her behavior. You might also consider the fact that if all she wants to do is drink and party, then she might not be the best person for your son to be around at this point anyway. Just my opinion!