Hi Mama's,
My sister and I are very close. I am married with three kids. I envisioned us getting married around the same time and having kids together but that has not happened. I know timing is everything etc...etc....Well She finally started dating her best guy friend who in the past had romantic feelings towards her but she was always concerned about losing the friendship. So 7 months ago she took the plunge and started dating him seriously. They've known eachother now 5 years and have dated seriously for 7 months. I believe they love eachother and get along well...the question is that she is venting to me about being on this deadline to get married and she's giving it a year for the question to be popped. I told her have you talked to your boyfriend about this deadline??? She is uneasy about bringing up the committment issue. She is not 40 for another year but she desires to be married and wants a family. I told her that they need to have 1:1 time and start hashing out where t hey see themselves in 6 months...9 months and to discuss how their relationship is doing and what they want to do differently to grow in their relationship and future etc.. I am exasperated with repeating myself to her about all this!!!! Oh and she continually asks me what she should do??? Any suggestions?
Since they have only been dating for 7 months it is unreasonable for her to put a dead line on it. Yes they have known eachother for 5 years but that doesn't count as they were not romantically linked. I say she at least has to be with him longer and then start asking him where he sees the relationship headed. Or maybe he plans on asking her but is letting her wait it out as she knew he liked her romantically and put him off 5 years. KARMA.
It's really up to her to figure this out. It's her relationship. I've never really understood the situations where the woman sits around waiting for a proposal. My husband and I were close enough that we talked about getting married, he finally said let's get engaged and we did. It seems to me if you're going to marry someone, you should feel comfortable enough talking about the state of the relationship. If your sister doesn't want to listen to you share the same thing, then there's not much you can do.
They've officially been dating 7 months. If she thinks it's not going to head to the altar--then she can move on. Is she even sure he's "the O."? Too many marriages fail b/c the focus is on the marriage part--not the choosing a man part.
If she KEEPS asking you what to do, after telling her to talk to him about it--not in a threatening way--I'd tell her that she's old enough to make decisions for herself.
I think after dating 7 months it's fair to ask him where he wants this relationship to be in the future. I'm surprised that haven't talked openly about the future?
To ask, "do you want to be married and have children" is a simple and realistic question. AS LONG as she doesn't give him a timeline.
And if I were her, I'd say "I'm not giving you an ultimatum, I simply want to be sure we both have similar goals in mind."
If he doesn't see himself being married anytime soon, or doesn't want children, I'd end it now and move on. So many women think they'll change a guy's mind, but really...who would want someone who you'd have to "convince" to marry you?
Best of luck to her!
sounds like you've given good advice and there is no need to keep repeating it. Your sister has to figure out things for herself. When she asks come up with a mantra to repeat. Something like, Well, What do you think? or "I believe I've already told you what I think."
Maybe he is not popping the question because it took him 5 years just to get her to date him. He's probably afraid that he will scare her off if he pops the question. Seems to me that she is a bit unrealistic in her expectations, because she is telling him one thing by holding off on a relationship with him for so long, but secretly wanting him to take the next step but has not given him any indication that she wants to go in the direction. If I were him I would be aprehensive to pop the question until I knew for sure that I wasn't going to freak her out and send her packing in the other direction! Seems to me he must be a pretty patient guy if he waited for her for 5 years. I guess it is her turn to be patient!!!
Why repeat yourself? She is an adult. Let her know you have made suggestions, the same suggestions, repeatedly. There is nothing more to say to her than, "I love you, good luck with that."
If she wants to marry him, she should ask him.
Love and commitment does NOT go according to a "deadline" nor an age.
It has to be MUTUAL.... and based on quality parameters of getting along and having the SAME thoughts, about relationships/expectations/goals/life dreams etc., and about having children, or not.
Since they have known each other for SO long... she SHOULD be able to talk with him about it....
But still, no guy.... likes to be 'pressured' or hear a biological clock, ticking...
AND is this the guy she really wants and loves... or is it just a 'guy' that she is dating..... out of having no one else?
all the best,
Susan
Oh boy, if she's following this timeline hard and fast, then the relationship is set up to fail!
I have friends that got married because their wives "thought it was time" or "they thought they should" and every one of them is divorced now.
It's not about timeframe. Jeez, I was with DH for 6 years before we got married! It's about place in life, comfort level, and relationship - of course.
If they are on the same page, then there shouldn't be a rush.
I'm sure that potential kids fall into the equation and are part of her rush, but honestly, at 39, it's going to be a gamble anyway - bleak as that may sound. I don't think she can let that be a controlling factor.
But, for her talking to you about it...just let her talk. And stop responding. She's probably just venting since she's a big girl and already knows what's up.
I met my husband when I was 23 and we were engaged 10 months later. It was enough time for us to "know". If your sister is thinking she would like to marry him I would think she should be able to talk to him about anything. I agree with everything you have already told her. If they can't talk about this however maybe he is not the right guy.
One last thing...she should not expect him to be a mind reader. Often times you have to tell your partner what you want or need or face disappointment.
It's her business and I agree that she shouldn't wait forever for a proposal. If he doesn't ask within a year,I would dump him too and I wouldn't tell him he had a deadline, either. I guess I am saying that I agree with your sister.
When the time is right, he will commit or pop the question. It doesn't make sense it gets rushed because she feels anxious after waiting so long. She might end up regretting it. You sure don't want a man committing to you because he is "forced" to do so! Tell her to just wait. What is for her will happen in time. If he doesn't do it, maybe it's for a reason and down the road might be a blessing!
