Comforting Someone Feeling Guilty About Miscarriage

The best suggestion I have is to let her know that you are sorry and that you care. Her emotions are ultimately going to be hers to work out. What you can do is not justify, not say 'well, it's in God's hands' or "it all worked out for the best" or anything which seems to attempt to make sense of it. Empathetic listening is the best advice I can give you at this time. (I've been on both sides of this situation.) At this point in time, she may be grieving and relieved and very conflicted. Validation of her feelings will be more well-received than analyzing the situation for her or trying to help her figure things out.

If she's the type who takes solace and comfort in books and reading, one book which really helped me was "Unspeakable Losses: Healing from Miscarriage, Abortion and other Pregnancy Losses" by Kim Kluger Bell. This book really does address the conflicted emotions which you mention. I found it to be a helpful book.

You obviously care a lot. Give her your love, a listening ear, and let her know you are there. That's all you can do.

At the point that she is able to really talk to you, just be honest with her. Was she dead drunk every day? Normal life (which includes social drinking and stress) doesn't cause miscarriage. The fetus is protected in the uterus, especially this early. NATURE protects the human species by spontaneously aborting a fetus that is not normal. This is what most likely happened, which would have NOTHING to do with her lifestyle. If the fetus had continued, the baby may have been born deformed. This is what you tell her.

Now that she knows she can become pregnant, she needs to up her birth control. She and her husband need take some time after the miscarriage, and then talk about how they feel about trying to have children. Planning a pregnancy will give her a feeling of control. And preventing a pregnancy will give her a feeling of control as well.

Finally, I think that after she feels like she can talk about it, she needs to have a real discussion with the doctor about where to go from here in terms of her reproductive health. If she has hormonal problems that could cause her body to not accept a pregnancy, she needs to know that. The doctor should do bloodwork to check her hormones, perhaps an ultrasound, and if needs be, refer her to a fertility specialist. She should take pregnancy vitamins when she actually DECIDES to try to become pregnant. (Folic acid in the pregnancy vitamins helps prevent neural tube defects like spina bifida and some forms of cleft palate.)

As hard as this has been for her, this a wake-up call for her to start to pay attention to her body and think about her future. Blaming herself is not only not helpful, but unfounded.

You can reassure her that even if she did drink or smoke or whatever, she didn't cause, create or control this miscarriage. Then love on her and tell her that you are there to listen anytime.

The things not to say or do are :

I understand. If you haven't lost a baby, you just can't.

You were only ___weeks, get over it..

You will have another if you want it to happen badly enough etc.

The manin way you can support is :

LIsten with your heart.

Bring some meals if they aren't up to cooking

If she doesn't have enough support, direct her to a therapist or support group for grieving parents.

GL

Poor little gal-most likely nothing she did caused the miscarriage-it is sadly just nature's way. I hope she feels better soon; perhaps if she doesn't want to have children she should ask her husband to have a vasectomy?

I would simply try to follow her lead and sympathize with her loss if that's what she wants. One of my friends lost a baby in utero and wants no discussion of it. That's how she operates. So that's what I mean by follow your sister's lead. She'll talk if she wants to talk...or not. Whether or not she wanted kids is mostly irrelevant at this point. She has experienced a loss and is feeling guilty about whether or not her behavior contributed. The "had she known" bit is probably weighing on her and that is tough to shake. Tell her you are there to listen and you love her. Don't try to minimize it. I did know, I didn't do anything "wrong", it was early in the pregnancy, and I still think about the one I lost now and then. DH tried to be logical and encouraging about trying again and I wanted to punch him in the face.

Guilt is not a rational emotion. It's understandable, but some people are more susceptible to it than others, and they can't really be talked out of it. She is likely feeling bad that she doesn't feel bad. We all have ideas of how we're supposed to feel about and respond to certain things. We judge ourselves and others so harshly for not falling in line. You can't talk her out of that because she is responding to the dichotomy of what she always thought it should be and what it actually is. That happens in life, and how she chooses to come out of it on the other side will determine which direction she grows in. It will also determine how she responds to other women's similar stories. Hopefully, it will serve to show her that it's not all textbook, that these feelings about conception and pregnancy, etc., are real and valid and personal to each woman who experiences it.

All you can and should do is listen. Life happens so we can learn and gather info for future life. She is learning and gathering, and it's not something that you can do for her or usher her through. You can hold her hand and walk alongside her, but you can't and shouldn't influence her. This is her journey.