Moms of older kids 18+ : At what age do you become comfortable with their coming and going without knowing exactly where they are, especially at night? When my son was 20, I finally could let him come and go and not have to know where he was at night. However, with my daughter, I think it's going to take longer.
This question has nothing to do with worrying about her choices or behavior. I don't worry at all about that. But I am worn out from worrying about her whereabouts, and I wonder at what age you just trust that they are okay.
Example: My daughter is house-sitting at night and working during the day. She will rarely be home for the next two weeks because of this. I still have to wait up at night to make sure she's arrived safely at the house she's sitting at. I would love to just go to sleep and trust that she's okay. So at what age have you moms experienced that you feel safe not knowing where your daughters are for a couple of days?
Also, my 16 year old son bikes back from his friends house at night. He does have bike lights. I'm ready to go to sleep by 10:00, but he's still visiting till 11:00 or later. Once again, I completely trust what he is doing, but I worry about him biking alone at night and can't just go to sleep and trust that he'll arrive home safely, like my husband can. What time would you be comfortable with him biking home alone at night?
Thanks for your input, as usual.
Thanks ladies. :)
I hate to tell you this, but I don't know that you ever quit worrying! Even after my daughter moved out, I worried. Was she okay? Was she making friends in her new community? Did she have food? Was the door locked? Hope she doesn't let someone in, etc. etc. etc. It took a long time, but I finally don't worry all the time, but I still catch myself wondering/worrying about something concerning her and her well-being quite often!
I am 26 with my own child but when I am staying at my mom's house I check in! Just a quick call or a text and making her aware of my plans (with the understanding that not everything I do is planned so I can't always tell her). Not so much so she can keep tabs on me or know what I am doing but just so she can go to bed at night. When I get home, I let her know. I don't think that's too much to ask as long as you aren't being nosy or controlling.
I am 40 and still call my parents to say we got home from their house safely(we don't live in the same city). It's really a respect thing, not an "I don't trust you thing" . I complained about this in my 20's and we came upon a compromise-they call when they get home from visiting our house too. We have done this for years. My husband thought it was weird and annoying (guys never have to go through as many safety issues with their parents) but even he has adjusted to it. Honestly now that my parents are in their 70's I appreciate knowing they are safe as well.
As long as your daughter lives with you, you can require her to check in regularly. Cell phones and texting have made this amazingly easy. Perhaps she could text you when she arrives at the house sitting job. When you get up at night for the bathroom, check your phone. Otherwise just have the phone at your bed and take the call when it comes. Sometimes safety isn't always convenient but it's worth it. When she no longer lives with you, please ask her to check in with you as a courtesy. Perhaps you could define those situations in which you she would check in (i.e. out of town travel etc)
As far as your son, I personally would never allow my son to be riding his bike at 11pm. Lights or not, drivers often fail to see bicyclists - not to mention the nutso people out there. Either pick him up at 11pm or else adjust his visiting time to your bedtime and pick him up accordingly. Does he really need to be visiting at 11pm anyway? Even good teenagers are tempted to be doing sketchy things late at night (either outside or online).
In the end do what feels right for you. It's your family and you know them and yourself best.
I can't help you at all, just thought I'd tell you a story to hopefully make you laugh a little.
I am 33. I have a 2 year old. We live in the same town as my parents and I see them pretty frequently. My husband works out of state and so is rarely home when I am coming home. When I had my son and would be visiting them or doing something out with my mom, she started making me call her to check in so that she knows I am home safe since no one is at home to be waiting for me. :) I think it started because I had a baby and was all alone, because before that, she didnt worry about it, but my husband didnt have that job and I didn't see them as much because I worked. I don't know. If it has been a couple days since she has talked to me, she calls just to check on me. I don't mind though, because it is just a quick phone call, she doesn't care what I am doing, only that I am home safe. I know she loves me. It makes me chuckle. And I know that if I did get in an accident and drive off the country road into a ditch, I wouldn't be still sitting there in the morning with an injured baby that no one was looking for.
So I guess if my mom was answering your question, she'd say NEVER! lol!
This is hard to answer, because it really these days has nothing to do with trusting them sometimes, it's trusting the sicko's that are out there.........
I'm not sure I would let my son bike home at all at night........it's not safe even if you are 40!!!!
I think they should at least check in or call when they are leaving if you are waiting up and they know that you are..........
I know if something is going to happen, you probably can't do anything about it, but I'm like you........someone needs to be up.........it's just nature I think...........
If you feel they are responsible kids, then you can't really stifle them much, although at 16 you should have more control than at 18.......talk to them, tell them your concerns if you haven't.......ask them to call if you know you are going to be up.......and then pray..............You can't be there forever, and believe me, I know.......so try to get some sleep even if it's on the couch!!
Good luck and take care.
The problem is that you will always worry. Your worrying will not prevent anything bad from happening. If you "nag" you could ruin your relationship with them. Since it sounds like they are good kids and therefore deserve their increasing/ increased independence, let them know you worry and want a text or call regarding when they expect to be home. For the older kids it's about living in a household together, not about keeping track of their activities. For the sixteen year old, it depends on the area he is riding his bike and the local curfew. If it's not safe then you need to pick him up at whatever time you think is appropriate. I hate Friday & Saturday nights with teens who can't drive because it means I have to be out at 10-11 picking them up.
My son moved out and I was still worried about him, so I guess it never ends. If they have phones and you pay for them and many of their needs, you should insist on knowing where they are. It is really just common courtesy. Do they know how much you worry?
I won't have kids that old for another 10 years, but I've noticed that most parents are still going to worry and want to know what their kids are doing as long as they're still living at home. If you want to be able to let go, they need to be moving out. lol!
As for your 16yo, maybe get him a cell phone or some long distance walkie-talkies (what I use with my 8yo when he's running around the neighborhood.) Maybe knowing that he has a way to contact you if he needs help will make you feel better.
Greetings Page, I have always had the respect iven to me by my children that if they were not coming home on time or for the night they called and even my son that came back home to live at age 24 did it without even thinking about it so save me from worry. That is part of respect and being a family member. I have 5 children and they are living all over the place and I still worry about them. I have a daughter that goes to school all day and then works til 2 am, she will call and let me know she got home becasue she knows I don't rest til I know she is safe and it is ok to wake me up or to text someone to say all is well. I have a son that is law enforcement and worry that he will be killed by some fool while on the job, and on it goes. It is a mom thing and with children of all ages being stolen andkilled these days and the yearning of so manyparents for news of where thier lost child is I believe that your are doing the right thing.
I have never liked my kids to bike at night so we have made arrangements to have evryone that needed to be home by my bed time which is 10 pm generally here, and those that are away just check in when they get in so I know they are safe. But those that were on a bike had to have a ride home for safety-- I could go out of my way the next day and pick up the bike, if they can't get the ride then they had to have me pick them up by 10 pm. it is the standard that I set . As for the girl house sitting just have her make sure that the security is on if she were to young to do it then you would not have let her in the 1st place. She can call and let you know that she is safe and she will feel better as well make sure that she has a neighbor to call in case of trouble or 911. A few hours of lost sleep is much better than the worry you will have over your children. Good Luck from one Mom to another. Nana Glenda
Isn't there a curfew for kids under 18? I know I wouldn't be letting my kids bike at night after dark in any circumstance.
When a child is 18, it's time to let go somewhat and let them come and go without a lot of supervision... they need to develop their independence so they can move away from the home.
I think parents are going to worry about kids at any age. My oldest who is now 19 and in college was always very good at telling me where she was at. I only get to talk to her once a week now because she is living in another state. That is alright with me but I do stress that she makes known her plans to her roommate. This is just a safety precaution and I have made that known to her. I have a 15 year old at home and he is always very respectful to me and tells me if he is going to be late. I did put bells on the back of the door so I can be in bed and after I hear the bells I just roll over and go to sleep.
I'm not a mom of older kids, but I can tell you that I'm 31 years old and my mom still likes for me to check in with her when I've gone on a trip somewhere to make sure I've arived safely! I would say your daughter is old enough for you to stop worrying about her, but if you are anything like my mom you probably won't :). As for your son, depending on how far he has to ride his bike and what kind of neighborhood you live in, I think 8pm is late enough for him to be riding at night (unless it's only a couple blocks). Keep in mind that many areas have a curfew of 10pm for kids under 18. So if that's the case and he's out riding his bike past that he could get in trouble with the authorities.
