Co-Worker - Newton,IA

I agree with Shane. Your living in a world that is not real. EVERYONE has issues, his is just blurred now with old fashion crush. Here is some wise advice: Back off big time. If you don't have to talk or see him don't if you care about your family. I'll be willing to bet that you probably felt this way at one time with your spouse as well. Get grounded girl and don't make any hasty decisions based on feelings alone. They can be very misleading, leaving yourself and your family destroyed. I'm sorry I sound like a old bubble popping mom but it's the truth and I hope you consider it.
And yes of course I've been there as well. Didn't follow through with my feelings thank God and pulled my head out of the clouds. My incentive? My boys and their future and realizing that I don't have a perfect husband and he doesn't have a perfect wife!
Best Regards to you,
C.

I think you need to talk to him. Is he married? Let him know that your relationship has shifted to a place that you aren't comfortable with, and that you need to distance yourself from him. Ask him to not come by at the end of the day, and to limit emails, texts, etc. to business only.

If he is truly a friend, he will respect this and let you get your head on straight. I think you know why you are feeling this way - the attention. You need to focus on your marriage and figure that out. Don't let this guy be the reason that your marriage breaks up. Your relationship deserves more than that after 11 years.

The time you invest communicating with your work buddy should be matched with time you put into your marriage. I know this is hard. I met my husband at work too.... and it sure makes the job more fun when that "attraction" is there, BUT, you only like him because you can talk about work with him and he "gets you". Most of us don't get to work with our spouse so sometimes it's hard to listen to each other talk about our day.
If you go with your lust feelings and take your friendship beyond friendship you will really regret it. Is the guy married too? Don't take that last step. And you seem to really know what this is all about so I dont think you need to quit your job, you just need to control yourself. Marriage has its ups and downs.... don't let yourself become vulnerable because you've let your relationship with husband dwindle away. You need to start doing some different things with your husband and reinvent your relationship... you've been married for 11 years, you don't want all that to go down the tubes do ya? You may even sit and talk to him and tell him exactly the way you feel and that you want to try to recapture the feelings that you once had. Marriage is a comfortable place, we get lazy sometimes. Trust me, if you left your husband for some guy at work, you would soon be sorry and miss the comfort zone of the marriage.
Just enjoy your working relationship for what it is, you guys work well together, you spend 40 hours a week together... Spend the rest of that time being a good wife.... and dont fall for the "grass is always greener on the other side" trap. It's so not worth it.
ADD ON: It's been 17 years and we still work together and cant imagine getting jobs where we couldnt.

Hi Trixie
My advise would be please do not do anything about this especially when you are still married
As you said your marriage isn't great at the moment.This is why you are looking to this guy,on some level he is a DISTRACTION from dealing with the problems you are having with your hubsand.
You think this guy will fullfill you in ways that you are not getting at the moment.
This is a FANTASY.
Please try to reconnect with your husband,if this is not possible then be honest with your hubby about your feelings.(don't tell him about your fantasy for your co worker.)
Try to stop this flirting etc.and definely don't let it go any further.
It will only cause you pain in the long run,living with guilt will be a big price to pay. Having peace of mind should not be underestimated.
Try to sort things with your husband first and concentrate only on him.
Best of luck with this
B.

Fix your home and the house next door will not look as great. Sounds like it is past time for some marriage counseling to get your house back in order.

i'd say...um, back off distant yourself from him, i can speak from experience that relationships in within an organization DONT' WORK, 1 you're around eachother ALL the time, 2 you're married. i married a man i met at work and guess what, only 4 months after we got married, he got fired, and has been unemployeed since.

obviously your sparks with your husband are deminishing..you need to find that with him again

What you have is a crush. An infatuation.
A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction.

I've been there. I swear I will never forgive Robert Downey, Jr. for cheating on me and getting married to another woman.
I don't mean to make light. I really don't. I've had a crush on Robert Downey, Jr for a very long time. He's super cute and talented in my opinion. But, he's not without his problems. Could I ever have lived with him through his issues? Hell no!
You have an 11 year marriage. That is solid. That is for sure. Don't go looking for greener grass on the other side of the fence because crushes and infatuations burn out. If you truly knew your coworker and had to wash his dirty underwear and put up with his snoring and whiskers in the sink, he wouldn't be all that attractive to you.
If you can be giddy for him, get giddy for your husband. That's my advice.
Without meaning to, you are crossing an emotional line and you need to jump back on the other side of it before anyone gets hurt. Including yourself.
Think of all the ways you like feeling about your coworker and foster those things in your marriage. Don't leave your job. Don't lead your co-worker on. Keep things professional at work and make things more loving at home.
You've got too much invested in your marriage.
Woo your husband.

Best wishes.

Hi Trixie,

Your story is great, but I believe before you ever hop into more fire than you already have, you have to deal with what is at home. So since there doesn't seem to have been any advancement and at this point it is only a fantasy, there is no need to leave your husband, unless that has been a plan of yours. Point being, deal with your problems at home and don't get involved with the guy and then leave your husband.

So to continue to be professional at work, are you able to reassign his visits in the office to someone else? Or, can he just drop his work in an in basket of yours?

Keep in mind, everyone and every relationship comes with its handful of problems. The greatness of a new relationship wears off and then it is all about our real selves. So that high pitch tone you get, will not last forever.

I recently heard, if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, maybe you just need to water your lawn. I thought it was great.

Stay out of trouble!!!

First of all, I KNOW you are not the first person to have feelings like this. They seem normal, to be honest with you. As women, we all want to be desired and want attention from the men we know. I have had similar thoughts, yet not quite to your extreme (where you see the guy every day!).

I don't think you should quit your job quite yet. I think you need to talk to this guy and tell him where your priorities lie (with your husband). If you are a believer -- Pray about it. Ask God for wisdom in this situation. Don't forget to stop and listen for an answer from Him. (perhaps a new job will come up for you?) Would you be willing to admit this to your husband? Think about whether it would be helpful for you to tell him your struggles or if it would make him livid and not trust you. Depends on your husband and how willing he is to listen.

I have never been in the position you are describing, so I can only speak for what I think I would do. If you are married, it doesn't matter what kind of shape your marriage is in. You didn't mention if you have children, but I assume you do since you are subscribing to MAMApedia which is mainly a parenting forum. TODAY, you need to stop entertaining whatever thoughts have lead to the feelings you have for him. Continue to keep it a professional relationship... and if he keeps showing up in your office, then you might consider having a very difficult discussion with him about it. If he cares for you in any capacity, he will honor your wishes. Your marriage is sacrad and you have devoted 11 yrs to it. Consider how your husband might feel to learn about this situation you've created for yourself, and then ask yourself how it would make you feel if he had feelings for another woman. I'm glad you recognize this as wrong because it means you aren't trying to rationalize the act of moving forward with this man. By flirting, you are however, forgetting the responsibility you have as a wife to your husband, and what position this would leave your children in. This whole thing seems very immature and self-indulgent. If you cannot continue in the marriage with your husband, I hope you would open the lines of communication with him about why and at least try to salvage the relationship you chose to commit to with him. It's your responsibility to tell your husband what you need and what you're not getting from him. Try redirecting your focus on the commitments you have, and don't think this would be a harmless affair....it always hurts someone.

I have never been in your situation but I would say this is new, exciting, fresh and just a breath of fresh air from the "stale" marriage you have been having. You get to talk, interract, smile, and feel "in love" again. But remember, this is not a relationship and you do not seem to know everything there is to know about this new guy. If you were not married I would probably say you can flirt with whomever, but since you are married, that is a territory you want to stay away from. Too much to lose. Our minds have a way of being overactive when we want something. Try not to let it get carried away too much. Snap back into your reality and see if you can find something to spice up your marriage. I know you probably don't want to hear that but you have to remain professional for your job sake. All the best

If you marriage was what you wanted/needed it to be, this co-worker would most likely not have this kind of effect on you. Unless you want to end your marriage, I suggest you continue to be professional w/ your co-worker and seek marriage counseling. Go to your hubby and tell him what you want/ need from him and work on your marriage.

Well, first, I think you need to be real with yourself in terms of your desires for your marriage...do you want to still be married to your man, even with your problems? Because these feelings may be a sign that your marriage is not working for you and you need to leave.

However, in spite of me saying this, my hunch, based on what you wrote, is that you very much want to be married, and you have no intention on giving up on your marriage or getting a divorce. In that case, I think that you are having a crush on this co-worker. I think that this is normal - after all, you are married, but who doesn't like working with a nice/cute guy?! I would suggest that you take it all in stride and not worry about these being "real" feelings, especially if you know that you would never act on your feelings out of respect for your marriage. Very good chance that these feelings are really a fantasy, and, more importantly, a sign that your marriage is probably in more trouble that you think. So I would recommend that you and your husband seek counseling, so that you can gather more intimacy from your marriage, and you can grow to be more immune to the attention of a nice/cute guy in the future.

It's kind of odd, I had a sort of similar experience. Out of nowhere my ex-boyfriend from over 10 years ago contacted me a few months ago. We had had a good relationship and maintained a friendship for several years after our breakup, so at first I thought nothing of emailing him or calling him thinking he was no different from a friend. Then, suddenly all these feelings immerged - I started thinking obsessively about our relationship, playing lots of "what if" scenarios in my head and such. I was really bothered by these thoughts and feelings because I knew that I did not want to be with him and I wanted to be with my husband (even though our marriage was in a terrible state at the time). So, I decided to tell my husband about my feelings regarding my ex. My husband knew that my ex had contacted me; I made sure that harbored no secrets with him. Looking back, telling him about my feelings was a pretty bold move - not sure if I would do that again! It left him very upset at me and things were weird for a while. But, interestingly, after some time, he actually started wanted to be closer to me. He started talking to me more, he was more intimate with me. I don't really know exactly what went through his head but I suspected there was almost a jealousy issue - like, here is this other guy causing my wife to feel all these things, things she should be feeling about me. I don't know, he just started to come around and in the end, this whole thing actually strengthened our relationship. At the same time, as I got more attention from my husband, I began to lose interest in this other guy - I thought about him less, wrote and called him less, I stopped thinking about our past and started focusing more on my marriage. Those feelings about that other guy dissipated pretty fast, and I felt a lot more secure in my marriage.