Cleaning and the Psychology of a Husband

Just start throwinf things away. I can not stand clutter or a mess. My husband is just the opposite. He has so many collections of things I dont even know where to begin. His entire family has the mentality that if there is empty space you should put something there. My husbands idea of putting away the dishes.. he takes them out of the dishwasher & stacks them on the counter. Once I started tossing stuff ( most of it gets donated) and when he couldnt find it & would ask me I would tell him, it wasnt important enough to get put away so it doesnt live here anymore. After about 6 months he realized that he wasnt going to have much left and now he puts things away. Some will probably say this is extreme but its very effective in the war against clutter.

I like the box idea and I think it'll work for my kids but my husband would just begin going there to get the one thing he needs and I'd still be the one picking up after him and putting the stuff in the box. It who'd save me time from putting everything in its place but it wouldn't correct the problem.

What I did with my husband is sit him down and tell him how much it means to me to have him pick up after himself. I also explained how its a bad example for the kids and teaching them bad habits.

So now he'll hopefully understand, but doesn't mean he'll do it. Then what I've done is leave the cereal box where he left it and rather than make a comment and take care of it I ask him to come put it away. One day I let his dirty dish and box of cereal sit out until he came home from work and then asked him to take care of it. Even if I'm right there I'll ask him or the kids to come take care of whatever it is. If I pick up everything then they'll just expect me to do it and ignore my comments.

Oh D.-

I feel your pain...but I am the 'clutter er'...and poor poor pete is the organized one...

**sigh**

I knit, sew, crochet, read A LOT...and have 'parts' of projects in various stages of completion. Our compromise has been a separate walk in closet for my 'stuff'...that I can close the door on. I also am making a HUGE effort to use decorative wicker baskets for the really current projects...

I try to put things away in the kitchen...really I do...but I am also an avid cook...and hard to get everything put completely away...particularly when next cooking adventure is coming up!

So...I guess I 'feel' his pain...and I do try...

Gotta run...today's newspaper is scattered about...and I have bread to bake for weekend! lol

Best Luck!
michele/cat

I have the same problem. My husband will lay whatever anywhere he sees a spot. Then he has the gaul to get on to me about how cluttered everything is! So guess what? I started putting all his stuff that he lays around into boxes. Tell him later on, he has a box to go through. Needless to say the box is still there but at least it's all in one place now. It's a constant thing. Oh and another thing, he gets aggravated when he can't find something later on. Well if you would put it away, you wouldn't have this problem!! What a simple concept but for some reason, he can't seem to grasp. After him huffing and puffing for bit while looking for his lost item, I'll tell him, why don't you go look in your box? Wow, what do you know, it's there! LOL.....Men......ugh....

Maybe you should try watching that show called Hoarders. Maybe he'll see that & take a look around & get the hint or maybe watching it together & say to him something like "Boy we should do what WE can to avoid having that problem." What works for me is when we get the mail, I like to throw away the junk as soon as I/we finish w/it that day. As far as putting food stuffs where it don't belong, I've started having to say..."Are you finished w/this lid you sat there on the counter instead of in the pantry w/the pot?" or I might say "Are you finished w/this napkin you let fall on the floor/left on the stove/counter/table/etc.?" or "Are you finished w/your dirty plate & utensil you left out rather than rinsing it off & putting in the sink?" He gets peeved when I say something but it works. I don't like having to say things like that, especially in that way but I don't like to hafta keep telling him to do it just for it not to get done. If I say something like that & I wait for him to get up & take care of it, he won't do it, so I hafta say, "will you throw it away NOW please??" if he says "I'll do it later" he won't, it'll still be there a week later! When we moved a second time, we had several boxes at LEAST that had 'junk papers' to go through so I made a plan that each time we went to the storage building, we'd get one or two "to go thru" boxes & go thru them & also take smaller boxes that had hardly anything in it or maybe some things that could go together (i.e. bathroom stuffs or kitchen stuffs, etc.) & condensed them into a larger container...trying to convert to plastic or rubbermade tubs to avoid flimsey cardboard boxes so that's what I did...he didn't feel like really helping unless something heavy needed moving to help. That took a little while & still not really finished but it helped tremendously to cut down on clutter. I also looked up what to keep & don't hafta keep as far as paying bills are concerned. I try to just save a copy of any payments made online to my desktop til that payment goes thru to avoid printing out a confirmation to save on paper so that helps. I went thru magazines I wanted to keep & just kept the articles I wanted & chucked the rest or used it for packing material for Christmas, birthdays, etc. Recycling places usually don't accept magazines b/c of the glossy paper which is sad. What about trying something I've used in the past..."Okay, starting this weeked (or whenever) I'm going to start throwing away anything I don't think is important. If you plan on keeping something, you better take care of it now or else it's going away..." then proceed w/it, even if nothing's been changed. Go through it as you chunk so you won't throw away anything important like bills, etc. I usually have 3 piles, 'shredables', 'chunkables' & 'keepers'. If you throw something out he wanted to keep but didn't bother setting it aside, that's on him. You already warned him & let him know that you did tell him in advance you were going to start chucking stuffs so the next time, perhaps he'll jump on it faster. Sometimes men just act that way...always expecting the woman to take care of stuff then get upset if you don't or don't "do it right". I think one reason why women exist is to keep men in line! ;) Hope this helps, good luck!

.

I'm so laughing...and not at you...at me. I am the female version of him. However I married another one of us. We by no means are hoarders...I love to trash things! But I am a shover...as you put it. If you find the magical answer please, PLEASE, PM me...

I hate that I'm a shover...I've tried it all...just gets back to a point that I'd rather shove than deal with figuring out how to keep from doing it.

Updated: I tried the box thing and the bag thing...yeah doesn't work. I throw them out but I need new bags, new boxes to fill. Mostly our issue is paper(mail), and kitchen utensils.

I like the box idea too, and it put it somewhere so that it's in his way and out of your way. Sometimes I leave stuff in the driver's seat of his car.

I throw all the clutter that isn't mine into a box that I keep in a closet. They want their stuff they know where it is.

Ahh I see others have done the box. I really think it is the only thing that works. Clearly they don't know where to put it and since it isn't your stuff you won't know where to put it, so the box.

Oh the psychology behind it is he doesn't know where to put it. Organizational things must come from the person being organized for it to work. Even though it makes perfect sense to anyone else that mail goes in a mail sorter if the person is not comfortable with that for some reason they will put it down somewhere and get back to it later. If you really don't want to use the box you will have to work.

Say he sets mail down, you have to pick up the mail and ask where do you think this should go, not in a mean way mind you, he will say I don't know. You can list ideas but don't move on one until he agrees to it. You will find once he knows where he wants stuff he will put it there. It is more work than I care to bother with so I use the box.

Mind you I am dealing with this problem with my kids who picked it up from my ex. My husband actually gets on me for setting mail down. The problem is I am not comfortable that he will look in the mail sorter even though he does. So I set it down and he will pick it up, complain, and then put it in the sorter. :p

i didint' see anyone address the problem that organized people take 5 mins EVERYDAY to go through their mail sorter or the fridge and clean out left overs Or the couch cushions to pull out cheerios etc etc etc. It's a routine thing for them they don't even Think about. try helping him piggy back checking the mail slot or "the box" with another thing he already does as routine, like if he comes and gets a snack as soon as he gets home, have him sort through the mail while he's preparing his snack.

try flylady.net too she's fabulous. because all you can control is YOU.

Sounds just like my husband, too! I'm going to have to try the box thing, too! Fortunately, we have this awesome storage cabinet in the laundry room where I've designated half of it as his space. So, I've just been piling up all of his random junk on his shelves. Then, when he asks where stuff is, I say "I don't know! Did you check your shelf?" He had the nerve to tell me, "well, I didn't know this was MY shelf!" (Even though I had told him several times each day for about a week!) Ugh! All I can say is Good Luck! :)

I agree with people who have said "the box". My husband has an "office" so now when I've had it, I just take everything he's left around and dump it in there. So do the same using either a box, his office, his desk or some space of his out of your sight - put the box in the garage. He really shouldn't mind. It keeps all his stuff in one place, it eliminate nagging etc. I think I often give a warning - ie: if you don't clear off the dining room table, I'm putting all your stuff away tomorrow. With a box, you can just carry it and walk around and dump stuff into it and be done.

your husband is not a shover, he's a hoarder....if he doesn't throw stuff away and just stacks stuff and needs stuff around him - that's hoarding ...doesn't matter what the "stuff" is - his brain has a "need" for stuff....

I would find a good counselor who specializes in hoarding and get him help..there is not much you can do other than seek a professional.

Sorry cant help you, but i do hope you find an answer that works....my husband is the same way.

D.,

www.flylady.net teaches people who struggle with cleaning how to build daily routines so cleaning becomes second nature. Start with yourself first, then as you are able to build a daily routine for yourself, your husband will start to pick up on your habits. Slowly, your 8-year-old will too.

I suggest starting with her Baby-Step program, it may seem like it goes so slow, but if you try to do too much you will crash and burn and feel like you haven't accomplished anything. It takes 30 days to truly establish a new habit, give yourself that time by doing baby steps. It makes a huge difference.

Also, build the control journal that she suggests, this will give your husband a place to go to when he wants to know what is next on your list of chores. He can't read your mind, and may not want to bother you to ask, but if it is written down then he can read, do, and move on. So much better!

This program has really worked for our family. We're not perfect, I'm still telling my 9-year-old to go clean his room. I have trouble putting things away when I'm done using them. I don't want to spend the 15 seconds putting it away when I can be doing something fun. But, if I take the 15 seconds and do what I need to, then on Saturday I can do fun family activities instead of hours of cleaning and putting away.

Hope this helps.

C. J.

You could try a basket for his stuff then you go thru it every day or so and put things away. I'd definitely end every nite by making a quick run thru the house to replace stuff the best you can. sounds like he has ADD - poor you!
As for your child, teach, show by example, remind, reward etc. His/her spouse will be grateful!

I strongly suggest having you and your whole family try www.flylady.com

This website has a very simple but effective method for handling clutter. I have used it from time to time for myself because I tend to get distracted when it comes to putting things away after myself.

yes, make things "disappear" little by little, shove them in a big box you store out of reach (like in the garage or in the attic) you'll be surprised to find out how you don't really need all the things you *think * you need. This is not specifically thought to address your hubby's habit but it'll help to declutter since it seems a bit the point here. If you realize you can do without some of the things you put away, then, put them away from good (throw or donate), including your hubby's stuff. For the mail, you can just buy a nice decorative basket (could be made of porcelaine or wahtever) and set it in the entrance, so you can avoid mail (or keys, or coins etc..)spread everywhere.

D.,

I, too, am really interested in the psychology of this. If you get any responses from anyone with insight as to what is going on in his brain, please let me know. My husband is exactly the same. From where I'm sitting, I see the graham crackers he was snacking on last night, the bottle of aspirin he brought downstairs to take a couple, his high school yearbook he took out to "look someone up," etc., etc. Nothing ever goes back where it came from when he's taken it out and the next time he wants it it's always "where did you put my . . .," generally in a pretty snotty tone. If I can't immediately produce whatever "it" is, somehow that's my fault.

My own thoughts on the subject are that we came from two completely different backgrounds as kids. He was raised by a working single mom in a small house with six kids. It was complete chaos all the time. I was raised by a stay at home mom in a small but very orderly home. What you learn as a child, you become as an adult is my theory on the whole thing. And once that behavior is learned, it's very difficult to change.

My one small victory is that I have solved the mail problem by immediately recycling the junk and filing the bills and important stuff myself. He has a mail slot for things that pertain to him only. He still lets that stack up, but eventually he grabs the whole pile and takes it to his office. The pile was originally on the mantle where he liked it, but I moved it to the cubby near the back door. I took some heat for that for awhile, but he doesn't mention it anymore.

To TwinMama, our dishwasher gets unloaded in exactly the same way! To his credit, he does put the dirty dishes in, but the clean ones are just piled on the counter.

Great post, D.. Good luck!