Class Differences and School Aged Kids

My daughter has gone to a very high price school and yes I did notice that some parents did choose to only allow their kids hang with those with same income. How much you make etc mattered. But not all some were just regular folks and were nice. I noticed in that school that the school itself was more about the more money you had not the type of kids. In the end we ended up putting her in a private school with the in betweens. Those who can afford private but not so much that they felt they were better than anyone. But really you cant generalize because in that fancy school we met some really good people who were good people and had nothing to do with who had what. I've also had experience with those who had nothing who were so jealous of the little we had that she got called a Jerk = Junior Educated Rich Kid.. Though we are far from Rich. Which you can ask any from that fancy school who felt we were nothing cause we had nothing compared to them.

Sometimes as parents, we are so protective of our child, that we may "perceive" something when it may not be true. I just cannot imagine anyone being uncomfortable with someone because of class differences.

The only thing that YOU can control is you ..... so just continue to teach your child to "love" everyone, as he has no control over anyone but himself. Kindness always wins...maybe not in the short term but in the long run it does!

And when you are having a conversation, and they are talking about Italy or Hawaii, listen intently and try to be the best listener by asking questions and being sincerely interested. Then you will have more friends than you know what to do with!

Good luck, You and your husband sound like wonderful parents!

Hi L.,
We are practically neighbors! I went to high school and college in Hayward and now live in Orinda :)
We are on the other side of this, we live in a large expensive home, belong to the country club, etc.
My kids have been friends off and on over the years with some of the teacher's kids, and other kids who come from outside the district so I know they noticed early on the differences you mention.
Whenever I took my kids to a friend's obviously smaller, not so fancy house, I just tried to casually point out the positive (wow, look at those flowers! or what a cute porch!)
And I never felt bad about taking my kids to a friend's house in Oakland, or El Sobrante, even though the neighborhoods are not considered "good." It's about the families and people inside the homes, not the location of the homes, that matters. I'm sure I'm not the only "well to do" parent who feels this way.
And yes, even as teenagers my kids are still friends with some of those same kids, many of the friendships DID last.
I know this wasn't exactly the advice you were looking for, but I just wanted to share my perspective, and hopefully it helps a little :)

It's healthy and fun for kids to experience all walks of life. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It will be a fun experience for your kids to visit rich homes.

I wonder if your sensitivity to this subject is causing you to read something into people that isn't there.

I don't think you need to discuss class difference with your kids beyond what you have already done. It will be obvious to them, as they live life, that some people are richer, and some are poorer. And if they ever ask why they can't go to Italy, like Trenton's family does, just tell them we don't have the money for that right now. But we will go some day.

When people live in completely different worlds, it can be difficult finding topics of conversation, so just listen to their stories or ask questions. It's fine if you don't have much to say to each other. And if they only talk about their condos in Hawaii without ever asking you about your experiences as a teacher, they are kind of self-centered anyway, and not particularly worth worrying about.

You and your husband are completely respectable. Your little house is nothing to be ashamed of.

Are you talking about the Mission San Jose schools in Fremont? I went to those about 20 years ago. We definitely had a mix of income levels. Some kids drove to school in Porsches while others were in old VWs.

In the end, I became friends with kids who were in relatively the same income level or raised with similar values (not intentionally at the time, but I can see now we had a lot in common). I had one friend who lived in one of the large custom MSJ homes but her family wasn't lavish with the money. There were definitely rich kids who were snobby about it, though.

If your son is being excluded due to income, honestly he's better off without those kids. But it may not even be due to that ... friendships just wane over time, so that may be the case.

Our son has had friends with far less money and it's been a good opportunity to talk about the differences and how all that really matters is that his friend is a good one. I'm not sure as a parent there's much more that can be done other than having really good talks with your child.

As far as conversations, try steering away from vacation plans and talk about school activities, after-school activities and anything new in the city. You may find there's some common ground there.

I think that the most important lesson we can teach our children in life is that "The most important things in life aren't things". All w/in the past three years my husband lost his very plush v/p job he had w/a company for over 23 yrs, he was diagnosed w/cancer, we had to file bankrupcy and we are awaiting on the closing of a short-sale of our home. My daughters are 7 & 13, the home we are now renting from a friend of our's who was gracious enough to buy it for us to rent is 900 sq ft and our old one was 2400 sq ft. I have heard friends of theirs make comments, my friends or should I say friends of convenience make comments about my situation, big deal. So what, we don't have the money like we used to, we don't have the big house on the hill like we used to - as we've explained to our daughters, all it takes is one mishap to take a family down. In your case it isn't the same senario, but it sounds like a bunch of insecure people who just want to try to be better then the next. Let them have their condos here and there. I wouldn't want my children to have to rate next to that because what would I be teaching them, that they have to try to be something they aren't. I have a very wealthy cousin who lives in a beautiful mansion and my youngest is in amazement everytime we go there. I am happy for my cousin & her family, however I remind my daugher that the home we had was the mansion her daddy could afford. Be proud of what you have and stick with those that are as well. Best of luck to you.

Encourage your kids to expand their horizons. Join something local so they get to see more kids from your area.

When my stepkids went to a private school, SS asked DH if they were poor because they didn't have a pool. Kids have a weird way of looking at things.

After SS got some local friends, he realized that people live in all sorts of homes and he was fortunate to have his own room.

It can be hard when the kids focus on material things, but the friends that you want your kids to have will be the ones who go to Italy but also hang out with your son just because they like him. I knew a guy (now running for public office) who was like the Ferris Buller of our school. So darned likeable. His family owned a local business and were big names, but the kids were totally down to earth and really nice people. There are people out there with money AND class who will associate with you. Be who you are and if they don't hang out because of money, then they aren't true friends.

Class is more than social standing.

Trust yourselves enough that you have instilled in your children that "where and how" you live really does not matter. Shame on the parents that might look down on your family. Please make friends with other children who might really need a friend and a helping hand. Put your focus there and you will be blessed. Hope all turns out well for your family.

I will be the first to say that I have no experience with what you are going through. I have never had extremely wealthy people as friends - and that's what you have. So, yes, it might be awkward. We recently bought to a significantly nicer house in a better neighborhood but nothing in the realm of tennis courts and beach access. That's quite a range from "high crime and unemployment" to "Tennis courts and Beach access" That's basically working class compared to Upper Class - It's a BIG gap. Which is why it might seem so obvious to you and a little glaring. I, personally, would be uncomfortable with such a gap. It would make me feel bad to be poor and have a peer group that is so wealthy. But that's me. I do know that teacher's are very savvy about getting their kids into great schools so if that's the school you want to attend and your house is all you can afford I guess you have to deal with it. Not much help, I'm afraid but I agree with you that it's awkward and might present some challenges.

We are not poor but by far not the wealthiest people in our scope of friends. I guess I will try to speak from my socioeconomic level.

Ya know, I have never talked about it. I get the I wish I could go to ____ statements from time to time. The statements have the air of wishful thinking or a more when I grow up I will kinda feel.

I guess looking at your post again I feel like you would do your kids an injustice if you allow them to believe that it is your income standing in their way so far as friends and invites go. My kids will pay the way of friends that they know cannot afford the event because these are really cool kids they want to hang with. On the other side my kids have friends that take them on lavish trips that I could never afford to take my kids friends on.

At least in my experience class doesn't play in who anyone is friends with.

Your follow-up description of comments children have made reminded me of a good laugh I had years ago. We too are teachers and live in a smaller house. One day a visiting child walked through our house and exclaimed how much bigger it was than it looked outside! Kids just let loose with what they think. I think I said something about us loving our house because it was so cozy!