Church - Chandler,AZ

Veruca Salt, I thought the same thing. He has a past with someone there. It's best that you leave. Don't push the why. Just leave.

Communicate with him how you feel. Be very honest about how you feel and tell him that you want to stay where you are. Find out what he doesn't like about where he's at. Marriages need communication. It may be a tough conversation for you both, but it sounds like it needs to happen.

Wow. To me, that's a family decision. "Hey honey, I'd really like to try out this other church, what do you think?" Has he attended before? What does he know about the church? What do you know about the church? Does he normally make decisions for the family in this way?

To be honest (and I'm not trying to suggest something or be mean), but I'd be wondering who he's avoiding seeing at your current church and why.

Longtime churchgoer here, same church with husband for 21 years. A church is not just what happens during its worship service. Does your husband understand that?

Your husband cannot simply decree "We're leaving." The church is as much your home as his -- frankly, much more so, since you are "very involved" and he is strictly a one-hour-on-Sunday member.

He owes you a full and honest explanation. If he dislikes the Sunday service and that is the sole reason--does that truly wash with you? If he says "I just don't like the sermons" or even "I'm not feeling it when I am in the service," well, he needs to be told that any church is much, much more that the one hour on Sunday morning that he sees. I would bet that you know many more people there, and know them far better than he does; that you know what ministries the churches does and how it truly helps people; that you see the positive effect that the Sunday school etc. has on your children... in other words, you are part of the WHOLE life of the church and your husband simply is not, so if he is basing his order that you must depart on HIS experience alone -- he is completely missing what a church truly is.

Don't be afraid to tell him this. Does he know what you do at church outside that one hour on Sunday? Does he know your kids' "church friends"? Does he ever go on church outings or to church events or help with church service projects and see what it does in the community? Tell him that if he will do that for one full year and still feels like this, you can think about leaving but right now, he does not even know the church that he wants to leave.

One thing to consider: Is it possible he is jealous of the fact you are involved in church? Is it possible he might want to change churches to pull you away from your involvement there? Ask him frankly if he has concerns about your activities and if so -- why.

If as others have posted, he has some issue with an individual there: That's still not good enough, if you truly feel led to stay there. If he is truly there only for Sunday service, he does not have to interact with that person. If the person is someone toxic from his past whom he cannot even be in the room with on for 60 minutes -- an ex? A business contact with whom things went sour? What could it be? -- then there are larger issues and you and the kids may have to worship without him. If the person is the pastor and the issue is "I don't agree with what the pastor says" he should think about the fact that the pastor is not the church itself. The one circumstance I can see where I would leave our church would be if we got a new pastor who consistently spewed things that went against my beliefs, but short of that, I would not let a pastor drive me from the church if I disliked him or her (and yes, we've had pastors I didn't agree with on everything, or even ones I didn't personally like).

I totally disagree with the attitude of "the wife must do as the husband says." That's out of context and I'm glad someone pointed out that the passage also says that the husband must love (and therefore respect) the wife as he does himself. He is not respecting you if he is not giving you real and sensible reasons for such a huge change in your lives. Please communicate with him. Sit him down when he does not need to be somewhere else in a few minutes and when the kids are not around and you both have time to talk. Approach it lovingly but firmly. You and your children have a stake in this church and he does not have that same stake, so he needs to come clean about what's really bothering him.

Rocio, the second part of that passage is about how the husband should love his wife as himself:

25 gHusbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and hgave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by ithe washing of water jwith the word, 27 so kthat he might present the church to himself in splendor, lwithout spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.1 28 In the same way mhusbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because nwe are members of his body. 31 o“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and pthe two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, qlet each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she rrespects her husband.

The wife's respect of and submission to her husband is dependent on the husband loving his wife as much as he loves himself and cherishing her. It's not about blindly submitting to someone who puts himself above his wife.

Expecting a wife and children to uproot themselves from their spiritual family with no explanation is not respectful. Momof1, if he has a valid reason for wanting the change, he should be able to present that reason to you and let you decide. If he can't or won't explain his reason, then he can move on without you. My husband and I are different religions so he doesn't participate in my church at all. There have been times when I have thought that it would be nice to worship as a family, but in our house, religions is something that the kids and I practice together and it's fine - I love our church and am part of that community. I would not uproot myself and children without good reason.

I suggest finding out why. I also agree with Varuca that he's avoiding someone at your current choice. The fact that he won't talk about why is suspicious to me. My husband would never suggest leaving our congregation without telling me why (we are UU).
I find it amusing that the person who suggests following your husband blindly and submitting to him unquestionably (what is this, 1640?) does not do that herself. Otherwise, she would be staying home with him instead of going to church. With that in mind, I suggest staying at the church where you are happy now unless something comes to light that would make you want to leave.

If he can't give you a good reason for leaving the church you're at, I see no reason to switch. It needs to be a mutual decision, not one that he makes on his own.

I'd stay where you are.. My husband attends church, sometimes my son goes along with him. I attend the Buddhist Temple and my son goes along with me as well... I don't see a problem in going to two separate places... Also, maybe your husband can give you a better reason as to why he wants to change churches... you are very involved and have a strong relationship with your church, seems like that would be hard to let go of and too, church is community, if you left, you'd be giving up more than just the church, you'd be giving up what might be an extended loving family.. that is, IF that is how you feel...

He should not be able to make this decision for you and the kids. I would not change churches, unless he gave me a very good reason to do so, and even then I would be more likely to try to fix the situation in my church than go to another church.

Seems to me that it's his problem to deal with.
You DO attend as a family, at a church where you are very involved.
If he wants to maintain that, he can keep going where you are.

But there has to be a reason behind this....

Well if he can give you no good reason I'm confused. Is it just because he's not feeling moved or inspired?
I'm also disturbed by his attitude, does he always just tell you to do without discussion and compromise and reason?
I would just say to him:
The kids and I are very happy here. If you want to go visit and try a few churches on your own, great. If you find one you really like we can come and check it out with you.
That way it shows you're open to other options, but you're not going to just up and leave a place you love just because "he says so." Your spiritual life is more personal and important than that.

Hmmmm. I assume you and kids are really plugged in at your current church - kids programs, youth group, volunteer work, etc?

There are two possible reasons I see that could be at work here - 1) he's feeling convicted at your church, it's uncomfortable and he wants to go somewhere that he's not spiritually stirred up. In other words he wants to punch the clock Sunday mornings for an hour and then get over it. or 2) he's not feeling stirred or convicted and someone mentioned to him a church where that is happening to other people.

We are very plugged in at our church. Actively volunteering, I lead a women's group, and help in youth group. Both of the kids volunteer in childrens' programs and are involved in youth group and my hsuband helps out with parking and security. But we also attend a smaller church every so often in the evnings as the pastor there is young and really has a gift for speaking to young people - and since our kids are teens we want them to really understand and feel a connectiong to their creator.

I suggest you try this other chruch with your husband - a few times over a couple of months. Tell him you're willing to check it out - but you're not making any promises. Then see what the story is. You never know, you may feel a greater presence of God there - or not. But that way if you decided to stay where you are you can say you checked it out.

I am always amazed by the posts about church attendance that never even mention doctrine; As if it has no bearing on why you are there.

We've been members at our church for 7 years. Over the course of that time, I have had temptations to switch churches probably every other month:) When you're truly members of a church, it's like marriage. There will be people you can't stand, there will be upheavals in leadership, there will be dissatisfaction at every corner, for one reason or another. It's our natural inclination to want to leave, start new somewhere else--with the false assumption that the grass is greener..... But a church is PEOPLE and people aren't perfect. I've come to realize my own responsibility to bring to my church what I want there. And I've also come to realize the blessing of sticking it out through the highs and lows and staying committed.
People seem to see church as a service to them only, and I think that's the wrong way to look at it. We're there, yes, to be "fed" spiritually, but also to serve people, serve God in that way.
I don't know you or your husband, but I think people were quick to jump to the more dramatic suggestion that there's a certain person who's causing your husband to want to flee. But maybe he's just a typical human who wants to "church hop" because he's bored and doesn't want to stick it out with the same old group of people at the same old church.

It's not clear why he just wants to change all of a sudden. Church and synagogue are about a lot of things -- religious perspective, sermons, theology, religious education, social activities, and the denomination's overall stand on social issues. You have to find a good match.

If this church does not represent his values (such a difference on a major issue like reproduction, gay marriage, etc.), then you have to really work it out as a couple. If he's just ticked off at the minister for something or he didn't get picked for a committee or church council, that's not a reason to switch.

It concerns me that you even suggest that your role as a wife is to follow him, and that he wants to switch without telling you the whole reason. It's sounding kind of unequal, and I don't think he's considered the effect on the kids as well as you to just end these relationships. A church is a theology but it's also a community.

what a strange, heavy-handed thing for him to do. i'd be pretty nonplussed.
i think he's being extremely unreasonable. of course he can go to a different church if he wants to, but to expect you and your child to switch when YOU are the one who is involved and happy there is very controlling and weird.
why isn't he discussing this with you? do you guys have a history of him making unilateral decisions, and you being submissive?
khairete
S.

Talk to your husband. Find out why he wants to change churches. Explain to him why you want to stay where you are.

Are the services such that maybe you can stay were you are and still attend his services with him? Can you two alternate?

Updated

Talk to your husband. Find out why he wants to change churches. Explain to him why you want to stay where you are.

Are the services such that maybe you can stay were you are and still attend his services with him? Can you two alternate?

I don't think that he can spring on you that "we" are changing churches. He is changing churches. You are much more involved. Why would you leave? If he wants you all to attend as a family, then he should stay at the church where the involvement is. Why does he want to change? Is he switching denominations and expects the rest of you to? Does he dislike something about the priest/pastor? More info needed.

"So as a wife do I just follow him to different churches or go alone with the kids?":
No you don't just have to blindly follow him along to whatever he suddenly decides.

AND, basically, decisions like this should be a DISCUSSION.
Not just a matter of him saying something and then you all have to do it.
Meaning, marriage/life decisions is not a "dictatorship."
It is a discussion, to then, arrive at a mutual decision.
At least.

Alternate Sundays - one at the church you like, one at the church of his choosing.

(Edited to add a few things.)

1 Corinthians 11:3

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

1 Peter 3:7 ESV

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Ephesians 5:22-24 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Ephesians 5:33 ESV

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I think as a wife you are supposed to follow him. Talk to your pastor to see what they say.

But you should discuss it. Why does he want to leave? What's missing for him at your church? What does he see at the other one?

Would you be open to the possibility of something?

Did he have a fight with someone? A disagreement. Theological differences? There is a proper way to handle that too.

Someone he is avoiding? Co-worker? Acquaintance?

Is there someone else he's hoping to get closer to at another church? Networking? (That's not a good reason to leave.)

He wants you to attend as a family. That's great! But he needs to give you the courtesy and respect of explaining why. In detail.

Right now I go by myself. (My husband is not a believer.) My 9 yr old DD has not liked the church I started going to last year (I ended up leaving) and now doesn't want to go to any another. I like the church I'm at. (I've visited a few in my area and I've liked a lot of them.) She prefers the one her best friend goes to (the kids program is small and great) and at this point, I'm willing to switch for her sake. (That church is my least favorite, but I'll suffer through this for her. Maybe I'll change my mind.) Because it matters to me that she grows spiritually.

Is your husband always controlling, or is this totally out of the ordinary?

If it's out of the ordinary, then you do truly need to have an open discussion and he needs to be honest about why he feels the desire to change. There must be some reason. Once you know the reason, you can decide whether it's worth it to change as a family or go separate places.

If your husband is often controlling, then this may be another aspect of this, and he doesn't like that you are developing a support network outside of him. If this is the case, then I think you need to talk to a counsellor (maybe at your church) about how to deal with your husband's control issues.

If this is a sudden change - is there a new member there? One that perhaps he has a past with? Or one, unfortunately, that he finds himself drawn to? Sorry. Not trying to be negative-Nelly - or Debby-Downer - but that's the first thing that comes to my mind...

The next? The Priest/Pastor of the church is not "feeding" him the word of God like your husband needs. He's put 6 years into it and he's NOT getting fed. So he wants to try something new.

Next thing - he heard something that does NOT sit well with him - perhaps something the church is doing or supporting that does NOT meet up with his values...yes..it's possible.

You really need to communicate with him. Find out WHY he wants to change - get the "REASON" out of him. Communicate...find out a compromise. find the reason behind his need for change...

Pray about it. You obviously believe - so pray. God will lead you.

Good luck!

First examine the reason behind why he suddenly wants to switch. I would alternate visits on Sundays. I know several couples who belong to different churches and it really works for them. And since he only attends on Sunday, I don't see why you and the kids should have to start all over based on his whim. He's not being considerate.

Ultimatums are not healthy. Find out why he wants to change. His line in the sand can be yours as well.

Allow him to explore other churches if there are services that suit him. Not all churches work for everybody. I attend by myself with my DD because that works for us. If he wants you to all go as a family, perhaps work out a compromise. Understand that he seems to need more than your church offers, but he also needs to understand that you and the kids are happy and fulfilled where you are. My DH attends big events - if I'm in a service, or for Christmas, or Easter or for a family baptism. If he finds a church he likes, I would attend a time or two and check it out, with the understanding that this is not a wholesale move to a new church unless everyone likes it. Further, are there activities that you can still participate in no matter where you go? I attended Girl Scout -like meetings without being an active member of that church. I think this needs to be discussed further. I would not change churches if I was happy and my DH had no compelling reason I should move on.

That's a tough one. There needs to be much more discussion. You have invested your heart and life in to this church for 6 years. It is a church family for you. He has invested one hour a week and so it's just a place to go for an hour a week for him. It's hard to care about what you haven't invested in. Even church going or a marriage.

We don't know what's going on in his head. Is he just bored and restless?
We all suffer seasons where we feel this. Usually, you are involved in so many ministries that you can outlast that kind of temporary feeling. Getting him envolved in a ministry would be ideal, but I bet you've already tried that.

You could try throwing a party for a few church friends and play some games and let the kids play, that might spark something that will draw him closer to his church.

If he still insists, you could let him scout churches on Sunday mornings. Nothing makes me love my church more than when I am out of my comfort zone visiting another church, lol. I go to my church for many reasons. It feeds me and God fashioned me for it. Maybe he just doesn't appreciate what he has. Make a list of why you love your church, what would be must haves in a new one and what are deal breakers. He may resist going by himself but it was his idea.

There are other reasons when people want to change churches other than seeing someone they don't like. Sometimes the Holy Spirit can be urging a deeper commitment and the person gets scared. You can ask him about that. You can tell him there is a kind a beauty in deep commitment. It's better to give than to receive! To be on the fence about commitment, is a very uncomfortable place.

There is unfortunately another reason that someone forces a decision so absolute. To pick a fight. To make someone else be the bad guy when they resist. To have a reason to do something else that they really want to do. It's a smoke screen. If he wanted to leave a marriage, he forces this huge change and you resist and he tells people, you are the bad guy because you wouldn't change churches with him. A cowardly way.

All of these things could be a problem. Only you know the kind of man you are married to. Not true, God does! Pray. He is a Revealer of the Intents of the heart. He is not standing idly by. Pray for your meals when you are together and ask for God to reveal His Plan. In front of your kids. Truth is a good place to start. Darkness tends to run from it.

May God give you clarity.

what interesting and insightful comments so far. I love this site

I am no good at this sort of thing, I think the nice way to put it is to bide your time but I always think of it as being manipulative.

I would suggest attending w him, and vocally saying, sure we can try it out with you. that opens the door for comparison and discussion, and it might come down to you ultimately having a stand off w him and saying you tried but now you want to return to the church you love.
I think if you flat out refuse with out trying the other or attempt to negotiate that he go somewhere else w out you it will NOT go over well with him and you will end up fighting with out having tried to understand the other ( yes he should be able to tell you why he wants to switch but men are stupid.)

another thing to think of, not knowing what kind of man he is, would you be comfortable w him having emotional connections w people you don't know and aren't involved with? churches can bring up intense feelings and My hubs could easily get drawn into emotional drama that takes his energy focus off his family and puts it on other people. so I need to have faces for these people and know what is going on to connect w him and bring him back to reality and his family.

He needs to provide a good reason, especially since he puts no effort beyond Sunday. What's the point of switching when he may not do anything else but go on Sundays anyway??? Why rip you from a place of friendship and ministry work??

Usually when it comes to big decisions in our home, we don't make a move until both of us are on the same page. Keeps ups from fighting, LOL.

Have you asked why he wants to change? Is there a belief at another church that has him wanting to go there? Or is tired of the same old thing? Or does he not like your friends? Or does he not want to be that involved in any church? If you can find out the reason, you can make a more informed decision. Of course, it's ideal for you to all go to the same place, but you need to find out what the problem is. Good luck!

I'm in Chandler also and last year we found a church we love. I would ask him WHY he wants to change. We have several church friends that complain about so much and are always church hopping. There is NO PERFECT CHURCH. But if overall you get something from the messages, the kids learn and have good friends, and you have friends there, then there really isn't a reason to change. So I would just talk to your husband about it, see what he doesn't like, if it's something that can be changed, and remind him that you are VERY involved in the church, more than just Sunday, and that it would be very difficult for you and the kids to go somewhere new. I hope you find something that works out. Good luck.

I'd say 'I love my church family and don't want to change. Please visit with me about your decision.

If he doesn't give you a valid reason I'd say you could simply say

"I'll consider this compromise. We go with you on Sunday mornings and go to our other church for all their other meetings and activities. If you decide you don't want to go for one reason or another on any given Sunday morning we will feel free to attend the other church. This will give our kids and me the chance to build friendships at the new congregation and feel more at home there. It will also give our kids a chance to say goodbye and get over losing all their friends".

Does some woman at the church have designs on him? He's given you no reason, but doesn't want to go? There's something up. If this is the reason, then he needs to tell you and you need to go to the pastor and talk about it. The pastor can talk to the woman.

If it's not a woman, and your husband just doesn't like the pastor, then he needs to tell you that too. And he needs to explain exactly what it is that he doesn't like about the pastor.

I totally agree with Leigh about him not having the right to just decide what church you all go to. Forget that. You should just discount him outright if he won't be honest about what's going on. If he is, then you can talk about the possibility...

I know a couple of families that different members attend different churches. Even different faiths. I say pray where you each want to be. If he really wants to go as a family, pick one week a month where you all go together.. Or alternate.

Does sound odd he does not want to go to your favorite church,but marriage is full of honest communication and compromise. I would ask him to be honest about what is going on.