I have split visitations. This is our first time for the holidays so with Christmas just passing I'm in a situation. My daughter who is almost 5 yrs old has been asking if she can take her gifts back to her fathers and I quite frankly don't want her to for I'll never see them again. Also, when she is back with me she'll want those toys and I know she won't bring them with her. I don't know how to explain this to her without seeming like I'm being mean or taking her presents away. I did get her to agree on one toy staying at mommy's but that even took some pushing. The reason I know I'll never see them is because I've sent her with clothes and toys in the past. When I do have my visits with my daughter I'm lucky to get a change of clothes from him. Any suggestions would help. I don't want to make this too long but there's a lot of history behind all this so please no harsh comments!
I would explain that these toys are going to stay at mommy's house so that she has toys to play with here.
Hi R.,
One of the best things you can do for your daughter is always be honest with her. This will go a long way in your relationship and in teaching her to be an upstanding person. She is living in the reality of "mommy's" home and "daddy's" home; she will understand two sets of toys. Just explain in a consistant way which it seems as if you are doing.
I am in favor of letting her pick one or two that she would really like to bring. However she is old enough to understand they are to come back with her. If her father prevents her from bringing them back, she too will understand that it is his doing. And, if they do not come back than you have a strong basis why we do not bring things to daddy's that are from mommy.
Divorce is a hard, hard thing. One thing I will always thank my mother for was not bad mouthing my dad. She didn't need to because we knew when his behavior was horrible. He made us feel bad and embarrassed on his behalf. We were a little older but as long as you are honest and keep away from accusations I think your daughter will grow up to cherish and respect your relationship which is the most important.
Good luck to you. Hang in there.
C.
Speaking from a "childs" perspective (divorced parents) - the present you gave your child goes wherever she wants to take it. It's hers.
If she wants it at your house, she'll leave it with you or bring it back on her next visit.
But please please please do not make lists of things that needs to come back to mommys house etc etc.
How expensive is the item? How about doubling it up?
just explain to her gently that her father got those toys especially for her to have at his house just like she has toys for only at your house. i guess if possible in time maybe get a few of her favorite toys that she has at her dads house for your house.
Hi R. :)
I know where you are. Our grandson lives with us, and his mother. We seldom see anything we send to her house, but she demands that she gets everything back--not fun.
Anyway, I would just tell her that she has Christmas presents at her dad's house that he bought for her to play with there, and presents at your house that you got (or Santa brought there and at your house). She will have plenty to play with at her dad's, and then she'll still have everything at your house. She is old enough to understand.
It isn't fun to have to deal with an ex through a child, and it is hard on the child. Do your best, and hang in there.
A.
We had the same problem with my stepson when he was little. What we decided was that 1 or 2 toys could go home with him, but the rest stayed with us. His mom would never let him bring the toys back to our house to play with so if we hadn't kept them he wouldn't have had anything to play with. No, your little ones most likely won't like it, but you just need to explain how some toys need to stay at Mommy's or there won't be anything fun for when they are with you. Same goes with the clothes. Keep some at your house. If they wear something you bought them home, keep whatever they wore and clean it then send it back with them when your clothes come back. Good luck!
R.,
You just set down the rules and tell her that you will need those toys to stay at your house for when she is there visiting. You should not have to relinquish all things that she got for Christmas to her father's house. You tell her she can take one and see if she brings it back or not. Hopefully by making this rule she will see that you are the mom and that you have to set boundaries. Hope it all works out!
~~D.
Just explain to her that if she took all her toys to her home with dad she would have no toys at her home with mom. If we start taking one at a time then they will be all gone from either home. So each toy has just one home while she has two and they will stay safe until she returns and that she has plenty once she gets to her other home. Why don't you take her shopping for a special toy that goes with her to both homes.
no harsh comments necessary... this is more common today. Just tell her that you want to keep those toys there so that they will be there for her when she comes to your house. Be honest and tell her that you are worried that they will get lost or misplaced in transit. She might have issues at first, but in time she will learn.
my sister went thru the same thing(she lives with me) she was 8. we never saw the gifts we bought her once she took them over there, the dad and his crew, his father and mother, sons that stayed behind never bothered to make sure her toys were brought back, from cameras to those hand held game boys. finally my sister told her daughter no more, what ever gifts they buy you can stay over there so you have something to play with. you are the parent take control, thus your child will take control of her toys where ever shes at.
Well it seems a little selfish that you don't want her taking them because YOU won't see them again. This is about her, not you.Grab a reusable bag and put those toys in the bag; make sure she has everything she wants in the bag before she goes and inform her father about the bag when he comes to get her. He can also put her change of clothes in the bag so you don't have to worry about it. You could also buy her some clothes to just keep at the house.
No the items you get should stay with you and one toy may go between if that will help. I have two daughters with joint custody since the younger was in Kindergarten. He has an outfit they come home in that leaves on them when they go back to him. Remind your daughter that her father has different tastes than you and will get her things that he likes for his home. If you don't set the boundries on this quickly it does get worse. Just be prepared for one thing to never come back instead of everything. If he doesn't take care of her needs at his house, it is out of your control. Take care of everything she needs when she is with you. Good luck. I know it is hard, but being firm and setting boundries isn't being mean. It helps prevent hurt feelings and expectations on both sides.
