Christmas Gift - Grand Prairie,TX

HAVE you gotten over it? It doesn't sound like you've forgiven him yet, if you're still trying to punish him for it. I don't think the two go hand in hand...unless you are trying to pull away. In that case, I would let him know ahead of time that you want to tone it down for Christmas this year so he doesn't get you some great gifts and you give him socks.

If you are still trying to make things work, then you need to forgive him and move on. Forgiving means you don't bring it up any more. Also, consider this: forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. If you forgive someone for something because you "feel" like it, then tomorrow you may wake up and be angry all over again and not "feel" like forgiving them any more. It has to be a decision you commit to: "I forgive you and I won't bring it up again. It's in the past." Giving him a lesser gift is another way of bringing it up again.

I wouldn't give socks, but a regular type of gift. Just don't go overboard. If you're committed to staying together, don't be passive-aggressive about things. It sounds like counseling would be really beneficial to help move on if you do want to stay with him. Giving socks just ruins a holiday and could start a fight ... doesn't really accomplish much.

First, you aren't over it. If you are still getting angry, then you are still angry. Giving him socks isn't going to get the message across, but telling him will.

Truthfully, giving him socks and hoping that he translates that into "I'm still hurt and angry at what you did and don't know that I will ever trust you again" is silly and immature.

Be an adult and get help if you need it. If you want to make this marriage last, then get into counseling to work through your trust and anger issues. If you want to play games and be passive-aggressive then expect him to continue doing what he's always done b/c you allowed it to go unresolved.

You totally don't sound over this honey :( not that I blame you!

But I think you should both go see a counselor or something and don't worry about what you get him for Christmas. In fact, honestly, if it was me, rather than get him a gift he doesn't really want to show I was still mad, I would just not get him anything and say " We really need to see a therapist, can we use some Christmas money for that? I want to figure things out with you."

I think you put a band-aid on this issue, but the wound is still open underneath. Good luck and I hope you can both be in a better place for next year!

This sounds a bit passive aggressive. Have you forgiven him? Working on it? Or not gonna happen? If you have forgiven him, you need to go back to normal. If you aren't going to, you need to make a change. If you are working on it, how about making a counseling session your Christmas present. This way you are letting him know that you still have work to do - so does he - and that you aren't ready for things to go back to normal yet.

Laurie D is right, you either get over it, or you don't. My ex husband was doing the same as yours...yes EX and I didn't think I could get over it because he COULDN'T stop so I divorced him. I decided I wanted to be married to a responsible man and not someone I have to put child restrictions on and monitor his computer and phone. I'm now married to a wonderful man whom I trust 100%. You are being petty and childish giving him socks for christmas because you are still upset. Deal with it and figure out the big picture. Until then, treat him like your husband and that you are making steps to get past this. Otherwise, end it and move on. Good luck.

If you have decided to stay with him and forgive him then how could that be a good move on your part? Playing games is dangerous. Being vengeful will get you nowhere. If you give him something that 'shows how you feel' he may think I should have gone ahead and slept with them if I am going to be treated this way. If you feel you can't give him a gift out of sincerity, then maybe you should offer not to exchange gifts at all this year. You could turn it around and this could be time of reuniting instead of causing more of a division.

I'm not saying what he did was acceptable, but if you are going to remain with him then you have to move on with no grudges...

Here's the way I see it, either you forgive or you don't. If you aren't able to forgive him quite yet, and it appears that you really haven't, then I think it would be worth the effort for the two of you to go get some couples counseling and also for you to get some counseling on your own. But to give him socks for Xmas to show him how hurt you are is just a passive-aggressive act and no good can ever come out of it. The next thing you know is you are getting green carnations on Valentines Day because he wants to show you how hurt he is about the socks you gave him for Christmas, and the tit-for-tat saga will go on and on from there.

If you are still hurting, and it's clear that you are and it is also reasonable that you would still be smarting from what he had done, then deal with it directly and honestly. Clear communication and a meeting of the minds and the hearts will be the only way that the two of you will ever learn to forgive and treat each other in a more loving and respectful fashion.

Again, you have every reason to still be hurting from what he had done this last Summer. It's one thing to say that you forgive someone but it's another to sincerely feel it in your heart. Part of that is having to work on your own issues and having to deal with the post traumatic stress disorder that you maybe feeling from this whole betrayal but most of it has to come from how he behaves afterward and how consistent he is with his turn around in behavior. For this reason, I really do recommend that the two of you do obtain some counseling so that old grudges, fears and mistrust do not fester and come out in more underhanded ways.

Wishing you and your relationships all the best and lots of healing this holiday season.

You say your over it...but you really aren't. (Have you guys ever talked about counseling?)

I think you shouldn't do something out of spite.. Socks, t-shirts and house shoes sounds like maybe your doing it to be hurtful. Unless he truly wants these or you think he will enjoy them, then by all means go for it. Otherwise I think you should just get him something you know he'd like, but doesn't mean it has to be extravagant.

To be honest I wouldn't get him anything at all. For him to get the same attention from me as before, there would have to be a lot more than just an apology. Maybe more time had to pass by and the trust would have to be regain with a lot of effort from him to make me feel and do the things I usually do for him. But all the same details and the same love as before he wouldn't get for a while.
Let him buy you all the gifts he wants and as for him, his best Christmas present is that you are still on his side, trying to put together your relationship after he broke the trust and disrespected you by behaving that way.

If you love your husband and want to continue the marriage, then move on. Have you read "The Same Kind of Difference as Me"? She promised her husband that she would never mention the cheating situation again...and she NEVER did. Their relationship became stronger. Don't be naive, but don't be bitter. You are in charge of your own happiness. It is Christmas....WWJD?

you're not over it if you are acting differnt (like giving him different gifts) than normal. i give my husband socks or underwear every christmas (its tradition in my family...though i dont know why or how it started lol and my dad gets upset if he doesnt get his chrsitmas socks) but it is with all the exciting fun gifts

Don't play games.
Don't get passive aggressive
If you are still irked about it, tell him.
You both need Counseling.
He... 'had' a problem with flirting/sexting other women.
So how is HE going to get over his immature jerk habits?
Or he is just a DENSE man... who has no idea how to properly act as a Husband.
HOW does he act, with you now???

Regardless, this 'problem' is still not over... because you are not over it... and who knows (since you did not say), how he treats you now or what he did to overcome his personal issues....

all the best,
Susan

Well, the fact that you are thinking this way and actually posted a question about it shows that you aren't over it.

You may have cut off the limbs, but the head & body of it continues to live in you--in your heart and in your brain.

If the tables were turned, would you appreciate being treated that way by your husband, whom you THOUGHT was moving on from the problem?

My best advice to you would be: If you're going to tell him that you've forgiven him - do it, AND keep your word. No offense, but if you're giving him socks and t-shirts for christmas because you're mad at him, you may as well just give him a lump of coal and call it a day. I don't think that using Christmas as a way to vent your anger is the answer as Christmas is about love, forgiveness and giving. If you want to have a healthy marriage moving forward, TALK to your husband about how you feel and tell him that even though you've forgiven him, you can't seem to forget it and put it behind you. But telling him that you forgive him and not having your actions back that up, is only comminicating to him that you really haven't forgiven him at all and he has the rest of his life ahead of him to apologize to you and continually have it thrown in his face. Communicate with him in a healthy, adult manner and you'll not only have a healthy marriage, but you'll have his respect in return - because of how you chose to handle the situation. Best of luck!

If you have really gotten over it then do the same thing you have done in the past. It sounds like you are using the t-shirts and socks things as a punishment for what he did. That doesn't sound like forgiveness to me. Fogiveness in NOT forgetting what happened. It is choosing to not to get angry over the situation anymore.