My husbands side of the family has total Christmas drama every year. So I'm posting to ask any suggestions on how he should address the "bosses" in the family... We got an email yesterday that we were one of two who hadn't "responded".
Background: 9 siblings, 5 girls, 4 boys. Parents (older and dad not in great health), and 2 siblings live in one area 1.5 hours away, another lives 3 hours away, and the remaining 4 are all within 40 min. of eachother here in different suburbs, but we are the 4 that are 1.5 hours away.
A few years back mom & dad stopped hosting, house way too small for 35+ people, kids around antiques, etc... So we started to rotate. Also changed it to the second week in December to accomodate people who have to travel, and or want to stay home on Christmas, wake up in their own homes to experience Santa, etc... All was going well...
Last year one of the "bosses" sent an email that mom and dad wanted it to be at their home again, and nothing like having family back home... She was lying, but no one will stand up. (this was after the person whose turn it was had already started planning it, reserved a clubhouse etc) So a few people complained and they decided to have it at a restaurant in the hometown. No one ever called her on her lying. So this year, in August we get an email It's all set for 12/26 at one of the "bosses" homes 1.5 hours away from mom & dad. Clearly not following what the other "boss" said last year.
Some of the siblings can never host, due to their homes not accomodating a large group, or financial, and we are ok w/that. Some people insist on hosting even though it's uncomfortable, and not nearly standing room let alone sitting room.
The problem is some people are bothered by the "bosses" but play into it and just agree all is fine and keep quiet when they truely don't feel that way. Others are mad, that there is no common guidelines being followed (such as alternating) and if you say something, your the bad guy.
So what do we do, send an email now, that we are beating everyone and it's our turn next year? (I'm being sarcastic- but the "bosses" are too much!)
Any advice for our family drama would be appreciated! Mom and dad are never involved in the emails, and just go along with whatever. They just want their kids to be happy, and would be sick if they knew the drama that unfolds yearly!
Thank you for any suggestions.
M., I have a smaller family but the Christmas drama happens anyway lol. I would suggest that you have a non confrontational meeting soon about the holidays. And then find a location that is central for everyone involved and plan to have it there every year. We always have the holidays at my house. all of them. i am the only one willing to cook. I hate the calls saying "so who all is coming" that's my pet peeve. good luck
S.
I cannot begin to put myself in your shoes..and boy, I would not want to. My suggestion would be to let the bosses be the bosses! and I mean in every way. just show up, eat, visit and leave! I would not volunteer to have the event..ever!!! I would suggest that you do speak up in the gift-giving area..if people have a budget etc. I had this particular problem..I would spend more money etc. they would not. finally, I said, let's set a $30 budget. then, when we were basically trading sweaters..called off the gift giving all together. it was the best decision ever.
Hi M.,
Sadly I think this is all too common. It would be great if whoever has the clubhouse could host every year and everyone brings the dishes and helps with the cost so that you all know what to expect & it's close to the old folks. :) I'd really recommend meeting on neutral ground for a family meeting to discuss holidays of the future. Problem is, being an outlaw (as opposed to a direct sibling) it really needs to be your husband who brings this up otherwise you can be seen as meddling. It's so annoying playing politics with family but that's just how it goes, particularly in a larger family.
Good luck!
D.
My husband is one of 7 kids, so I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! The drama really died down after my last in-law passed away. They really seemed to add to the drama instead of helping resolve it.
We also share holidays and there's only 3 of us that could Xmas, 4 that can do Thanksgiving and there is no Easter celebration. Xmas is a big, long drawn out thing, so we always try to go for Thanksgiving because it's only about the food.
We say we are doing a holiday whenever we can. I think one sister was talking to my hubby about Xmas last week. That's what I would do, just claim it when you can. Or you can say that it's getting too confusing to remember whose turn it is and that you need to set up a rotation so there's no question and people can plan way ahead.
When the in-laws were around, whoever was hosting was responsible for picking up and taking the in-laws home. Sometimes others would offer to bring them, but the host always had to take them home. Maybe that's part of the drama you need to resolve. It doesn't sound like it would be good to have them drive 1.5 hours.
I've been married 19 years and it seems to go in cycles. There was a period when 2 sisters wouldn't go to the same function, then they wouldn't sit next to each other, then if the sister in Chicago was hosting, some people wouldn't go.....it has really died down and people go if they want and don't if they don't want to or can't. Everyone understands and makes arrangements to drop off gifts or whatever.
Remember you have your own family now and they are your priority.
I come from a big family, and both parents are from big families. I had to figure out my own coping mechanisms when I got married and decided how I felt about all the holiday drama. I recommend that you and your hubby decide what you really feel, what you are willing to fight for, what you are happy to ignore, etc etc etc. Then, no matter what happens with the drama, you guys can relax and know that you guys are doing your thing.
I don't think that being the "bad guy" is such a bad thing, unless you are mean about it. There's nothing wrong with sending a email entitled "family drama" and unload a few truths. Put it out there that you "don't know what is important to the parents... does anyone know for sure? Let's ask them!" Suggest that you would look forward to the holidays more each year if ... <insert your request>. Pick something that works for the majority, like having Christmas at XYZ restaurant each year, close to Mom and Dad. Neutral territory is always a smart investment in big families.
I was surprised that you guys get together for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which one seems to be the more important to the parents? Can you suggest that you want to stop the tradition of getting together for both (name the one that you want to stop)? I think that scheduling both can add to the drama, too much to worry about and fight over. Sooo... perhaps the 2nd week of December can work for both holidays, or you exchange gifts on Thanksgiving, or whatever works.
By the way, you (or your hubby if you are an "outlaw") can make some changes to your situation by speaking up. Some of the family that fear the "bosses" or just don't want to make a stir will appreciate your civil, diplomatic leadership. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Ah yes, the joy of extended family during the holidays! If I were you, I would pull a Mom & Dad and stay out of it. Let the bosses be the bosses and don't worry about it. They'll let you know what you need to do. As for the complainers, just smile and wave - never ever say anything negative. Be a good listener.
Perfect solution, no. But, it will keep you out of the drama for the most part and that is a good thing.
