Children Not Listening

Something i do, is the madder i get the quieter i get, and if my daughter or other kids don't listen because they are just ignoring me, i speak in normal tone ex: telling them quietly if they don't stop doing x they will be punished, then when they don't stop because they were talking over me, i explain, if you would've hushed and listened you would've heard me...i still said what i said YOU CHOSE not to listen to me, not my problem, etc.

works wonder's in my house + another kid that is not in trouble...i heard it! you DID say that, etc (i don't normally let the kids team up with me) but it works on occasion

It doesn't get better with age, lol. My youngest 2 are homeschooled, and we had one of those days just yesterday. Everything went in one ear and out the other. And they really are GREAT kids. I feel bad punishing them because they really are just terrific and do so much to help and normally with such joy (I'm 33 weeks pregnant, so I need a lot of help lately).

I still at times have to go back to the methods I used when they were toddlers, I will go over to them make sure I'm eye level, have them look at me and explain what I am asking of them, then have them repeat it back to me.

I also make sure they understand their choices. Everything in life is a choice, some good some bad, not listening is a bad choice that means they will miss out on something they would enjoy or something they want. If they won't listen when I need something of them, I stop talking and don't suggest the fun things I have planned, after all why bother when they won't listen anyways (lol). choosing not to listen and do their lessons can mean a day of chores. We used to have a jar with little slips of paper and if they didn't listen or broke some other rule, they had to pull a slip. On the slip of paper was some tedious age appropriate chore. It's amazing how clean my house would get on those days, and having your second grader put their books in alphabetical order really teaches the alphabet.

All in all though, you said it, they are kids, it isn't all the time. Enjoy the good days and do the best you can with the bad.

If they are doing this occasionally, I'd say they are human and nobody's perfect. You know you're not perfect because you're yelling when you don't want to be. They're not perfect because they aren't being courteous to the other speakers.

I try to look at life with the 80/20 rule. If things are going well 80% of the time, it will all work out in the end. :o)

I've noticed kids of all ages respond more readily to body language, tone, and facial expressions, way more than words themselves.

At first you will need to move towards them with purpose, with a tone that is low and serious (not all casual and nice like and not yelling), with a facial expression that clearly says you are NOT kidding, then eventually all it will take is one of the three.

For my kids it became just that 'look' when they were very young, to the point they'd be looking straight at me to gage by the look on my face whether this thing they're doin' is gonna be trouble.

Also, you just gotta BELIEVE....you're in control, not them, believe they WILL do the right thing.

Hope this helps, have a great day!

The key to not getting riled is to act immediately while you're still calm. You say something once. you give one warning to "answer", if they don't-consequence. Don't ask 10 times and get frustrated, it teaches they have ten times before they have to answer. All kids do this. We enforced it firmly at an early age and now it's truly only occasionally that we have to say something 3 times and then when we say it "heatedly" they snap to because they genuinely didn't realize we were talking. Be firm!
Same for talking over people. One warning: "No interrupting" "So and so's turn to talk" whatever. Then consequence after second warning with re-explanation of rules of manners.

My daughter is 3 and the first time I ask her to do something and she does not seem to hear me, I physically go over to her and get her attention. If I ask her to come here and she doesn't, I go over and get her to come with me. If I am trying to tell her something and she keeps looking away, I tell her, "Look at me." I am teaching my daughter to listen to me the first time. I am guessing the reason why it takes several attempts to get the kids to comply is because they have gotten used to it - anything less than yelling after you have repeated yourself, they have learned to tune you out. If they don't listen to you the first time, my gut reaction would be to go over to them, get in their face so you have their full attention, and say ( calmly, not yelling), hey, look at me, I am talking to you, you need to listen.

I would also check out a little book called "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." - it is full other tools and pointers.

When this happens give everyone a time out. Talking over other people is rude so I would not let that behavior continue. Nip it in the butt right away. Maybe start with that behavior first and see how things improve.

Might want to pick up a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN. In addition, sit down w/ them and talk about house rules. CLEARLY lay out the rules of not listening and make sure they have a part in what the consequences are. STICK TO THEM. Every house should have rules and boundaries. These are things that everyone has to deal with......at school, work, on a team sport, etc. Children need to be taught EARLY that there are consequences to poor choices and bad or inappropriate behavior.

Honestly, when I LOWER my voice and say something to make them think or listen.........it ALWAYS works. Works w/ crying or screaming children, too.........unless they are truly hurt, of course. Make sure you look them in the eye and tell them gently that you need for them to listen.
Take their hands or head in your hands if you have to, but make sure they look at you. I do this when I work w/ my preschoolers, too. I talk softly and give them CHOICES.......if you choose to scream and kick the door or whatever, then this is what will happen. You can choose to stop screaming and kicking and listen to what I have to say. It is important. Then, I walk away and let them choose. THIS GETS RESULTS. When I give them the power of choice and TELL THEM CLEARLY what the choices and consequences are, they will almost always make the right choice. Talk about alternative choices, when you have the chance, to an inappropriate choice of words, behavior, etc.

I'm with ya too.
I'm feeling the same way.
I'll keep my eyes open to what advice you receive.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

Hello M.,

I was having this very problem with my 9 Year old daughter. I picked up a book at the Christian Book Store called "How to Have a New Kid by Friday" By Dr. David Lemen his technics are amazing and it actually works at my house.

for the not listening, the "zoning out": wave your hand, cup your ear, or verbally ask "are your listening ears on?". Do whatever it takes to get their attention & response, always beginning with direct eye contact.

For the talking over the top of you, hold your hand up like a stop sign & say, "excuse me, I was speaking. You may speak when I am finished". If they continue to speak, use timeout. Be consistent with this & it will end.

All of this boils down to a need to be consistent in your teaching basic manners with your children. Model what you want them to do, & stick to it!
& as for the yelling, instead of raising your voice.....get softer! They will automatically stop & try to hear what you are saying. This method truly does work! Peace!

Try this book 1-2-3 Magic: Effective discipline for children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D

It works pretty good for me and I have a 10 year old daughter..

Hi M.,
Thanks for posting this...it could have been written by me.
I'm anxious to hear your responses as I'm struggling with the same exact issues.
I wish you and yours the best.
T.

I have kids of similar ages and I have begun using a stoplight system. There is a list of basic rules posted in our kitchen (and for the younger ones who can't read, they're reminded of them)...things like you must not be rude, you must not use others' things without asking, and you must listen to mommy and daddy (within 10 seconds of a request, you must be doing what you're being asked to do). I've made it very simple. If they break a rule, they are moved to yellow...which means no TV or games. If they do something else, they are moved to red, which has more harsh and long-lasting punishments. My kids won't listen to me if all they have to deal with is me saying the same thing over and over...but if I take something away for the not listening, they shape up very quickly. And I get to stay calm. I just say "Okay, you're on yellow" and it's done.