Child Support for My twins-Is It Really the Best Answer

N.-
you have a really difficult decision to make. I am also a mother of twins, married though, but I have an 11-year old daughter that I basically forced to have a relationship with her biological father. She doesn't speak to him now and does not even ask about him and it is because when they did visit together, it was forced and not very pleasant. He would pawn her off on family and make her feel as though his girlfriend was more important. She was a year old when I met my husband and HE is her Daddy and would not have it any other way. I was NOT looking for a man in my life at that time, but I truly believe God played a big part of bringing us together. When I filed for child support (5 days after having my daughter) it only made him more mad and resentful. All he had to pay was a measly $200/mo, but it was so sporadic and just eventually stopped. Just wasn't worth it to me anymore since my daughter would cry when I made her go with him. Bottom line, she had uncles and grandfathers and my guy friends that were incredible role models from day 1 until I met my husband....then he became the incredible role model. You are the one that will instill their beliefs and show them positive morals, so if you have to do it alone, you can and they will thank you for it some day!

I know you have gotten a lot of replies but I just thought I would throw one more out there. My son is 6 years old. I went to court and did a child support order about 3 years ago. Before that I was just getting it from his dad whenever I saw him. Well to this date he has NEVER been a part of my sons life...but i still get the court ordered child support...it is just taken straight out of his pay by the attorney general. I think it is worth it and it has really helped me out in tough times. My sister has a 9 year old daughter. Her dad NEVER even met her and he still pays court ordered child support. the only down side to that is he can come back and say he wants visitation so she is in the process of having him sign his rights over and she will lose the child support but she doesnt want to risk him showing up one day. My son knows his father and although he never sees him, I dont want to prevent him from seeing him in the future so I just leave it as it is and for the time being i get 100% of my sons time and child support so I really cant complain. I would definitely go for the child support if I were you. Even if he doesnt want to be a Father...he can still pay for his responsibilities.

I agree with April 110%...I would just like to add a few things.

I am a person who sees both sides. I am a child whos father never paid child support or had any part in my raising, and I am also a step-parent, so we pay the child support, so here's my 2 cents...

If you need the money, fight like crazy to get it, because you CAN! If you do not need the money, walk away from it, one day you may be surprised with a check in the mail from the courts, because they can/will track him down through 'the system'.

Do not try and 'force' him to be there for the kids, just like April said, you are doing that more for you than for them, they don't know any different. One day they will know, and that is when you can explain everything and they can see for themselves what kind of person he is.

My experience, my dad never paid one cent of Child Support, nor did he ever come see me. When I got old enough to understand, my mother explained to me everything. I went and visited him and got his side and saw and understood what kind of person he is, and your children will do the same. When I was about 10 yrs old the state found him and found he had never paid CS, they began to garnish his wages, he quit that job. So like I said, if you need it you will get it, if you don't, don't fight for it. Feel free to message me if you want to talk further.

Speaking from experience, at least get a ourt order. Whether you enforce it, its up to you. If you wait till later to get a court order the attorney generals office wont go back to day 1. I would not count on this father to be their father figure.

I suggest "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr James Dobson. There is a book as well as a video series that answers most of your questions regarding the father figure. All of Dr Dobson's books are a must read. Also, I would recommend "Keys to Loving Relationships" by Gary Smalley which will help you deal with your relationship with your ex as well as your children.

My mother never spoke an ill work about my father that never paid 1 dime in child support. Now that my father has been drug free for 4 years, I am playing "catch-up" for all the missed years we were not in contact. I would not have been able to experience this had my mother talked bad about my father (and trust me, she had every right). So PLEASE for your kids' sake, don't dishonor him in front of your children. If you keep your harsh words so to yourself, your children will give you the honor when they are adults.

all the best, liz

I think you've gotten great advice so far so I'll keep it short. I just wanted to say that your kids are going to be just fine, with or without that relationship with their dad if they have one good strong relationship with you. You sound like a really strong person with a good head on your shoulders. They are lucky to have you for a mom! Regardless of having a relationship with his kids, he HAS TO pay child support and should. If you don't need it right now, still do whatever you can do make sure he pays at some point. It is his job to help support those kids. Even if you don't need it now, you may someday or you can always put it aside for college, cars, first house...anything! If you don't want to continue to spend a lot of money "going after him" you can file a claim with the district attorney and they will do it for you. Even if you get the money down the road, it may be a great little nest egg for them later.

Hey I am a single mom too! More power to you! I am waiting on my child support stuff to go through right now, and I really thought about just not pushing the child support thing on my daughter father, because I didn't want to fight with him or have to stress over it. But I did it, and everything so far has worked out for the best. If the father of your child doesn't realize that he owes atleast that to you and his child then right now, he is no kind of father. My ex boyfried, I was sure was going to suck at being a dad, but he has turned out to be pretty good. But I grew up with out a dad, and I'm okay. So even if things don't work out with the father of your child, my opinion speaking from experience is that it won't ruin you babies life. I would get the child support though, it is what you deserve and your baby. Anyways, I hope everything works out! I have been were you are! So have faith in yourself and your ability to be a good mother and I think everything will turn out okay!

-M.
http://www.themomteam.com/cgi-bin/mom.cgi?id=mi518189&amp...

I think you should try to collect the child support. I had a similar experience. My ex was the same way, he didn't want anything to do with my little girl, then I put him on child support and all of the sudden he wanted to see my daughter. I started having porblems with him so I took him off child support and all of the sudden he disappeared faster ferrari. But one day he had an accident and he all of the sudden became a religious person so he wanted to see his daughter again. He still was not a good person, he had become an alcoholic who cannot keep a job. I thought about putting him on child support again, but I did not want that bad influence around my daughter so when I told him he should pay child support he disappeared again. I knew he would do it, that's why I mentioned it, I wanted to test him and see if he really loved our daughter, he didn't. I don't regret it one bit. Even though I have been short on money many times, I still think my daughter is better off, she is much happier now. So, I guess it all comes down to the influence you think he would have around your child. If he is a good person in general than go for it.

Not being involved in your children's lives doesn't negate his responsibility to seeing that they are provided for.

Whoever said that the only way that the children will be able to see their father if if he pays child support is completely false.

Being self employed does not mean that he wouldn't have a court ordered amount hanging over his head to pay.... he may fall into arrears, but they will accure, along with penalty and interest until he pays!

There are many factors at play here... just because it's inconvenient at times for you doesn't mean that it's not the right thing to do. UNLESS you are wanting him to sign off his parental rights (no support/no contact) that he'd be basically acting as if he never had a role of any sort in their lifes, they don't exist to him....

As far as ensuring they have a good relationship with him... you can't force a man to be a dad... so you're going ot have to leave it all in his court and when/if he chooses to grow up, then and only then should you allow your children to develop a relationship.

Regardless if he provides support for other children or not... the court WILL make allowances for YOUR CHILDREN AS WELL...

I would think that looking for a male role model for them... perhaps through your church would be a FANTASTIC idea... that wuould help them grow emotionally and spiritually.

I was wanting to force my ex to have a realtionship and be involved with his son when he lived just 30 minutes away... he has since moved to Iowa and I just quit trying... I realized that my son didn't really know what he was missing anyway... it was ME that knew what he was missing so I was sad for him...but he's totally fine... think about it. :)

Not having a father doesn't doom children to failure... I really hope that you don't think that way...

Hi N.-

You can not force him to have a relationship with his children-although he is a fool to have a precious gift of children and not to have a desire to see them. As far as child support, your children have a right to the money to insure a better life, etc. Probably, correct on the order of payment being 1st IRS 2nd child support. But, it does not cost anything to file for child support and only benefits the children. I would completely be forced on giving the children the best life possible.

Take care-

S.