Child Lying

I hear you on this one. I had two children who continually lied and I finally had to resort to the dishsoap method. It worked with my son, but my daughter was harder to crack. I went to tobasco sauce on her tongue. It sounds harsh, but it works.

I had the same problem with my daughter around the same age. I'm not sure if I got her to quit or she just got over the "phase" but I made her responsible for telling the truth by saying things like "I know that is not the truth why don't you tell me what really happened" it took a while but eventually she would then I would ask her why she lied about it. Most of the time she had valid reasons for why she wanted to be dishonest (ie: other kids were talking about it, or she was afraid of getting in trouble) I also made the punishment for lying worse than anything else and praised her for being honest especially in situations where it would have been easier for her to lie. I think they have to understand that the things they choose to say really are a choice and they are the only ones who can make it.

You are terrific! What a difficult job you have with all those kids. Is the 5 yo boy a foster boy? If so the lying may have much more complicated reasons than what my thoughts below address. I would recommend getting him into counseling. I've been a foster mom and the state paid for counseling for my foster child.

I think that there are many reasons for children that young to lie. For one thing they are in the process of learning about their world and their brain is still developing. Lies do not have the same meaning for them as they do for us. Lying is common during the preschool years. I do think that if you don't make a big deal of it and learn how to handle it in a way that doesn't put down the child the child does outgrow it.

My granddaughter, who is 3 is doing a lot of lying according to my daughter. But what I see her doing is telling stories of how she would like it to be. I see her mother getting quite upset not only at the lying but at all the other misbehaviours of a normal 3 yo. When she asked my granddaughter why she was lying she said that she didn't want to get in trouble. My daughter handles it by telling her that she won't get in trouble if she tells the truth but that is not always the case. My granddaughter knows that Mama will be unhappy with her anyway because she did misbehave. Kids are quite perceptive.

I recommend, first of all not setting up the child to tell a lie. If you know what the truth is, state it. If you know they broke the toy on purpose for example don't ask, who broke this toy or even how did this toy get broken. Say, because you broke this toy your consequence is.......If the toy was broken by accident, be sympathetic about the broken toy. If you don't know if it was on purpose or not have a conversation about it in a neutral way, not accusing the child of misbehavior and thus allowing him to tell the truth. The important thing here is to be calm, matter of fact, and non accusatory.

Remember that when the child misbehaves, even when he's lying, he is still Ok. Reinforce the good behaviour and treat him with respect when dealing with the bad behavior. And most of all relax. it is normal for kids his age to lie.

I look at noticing a lie as a teachable moment. As you've found punishment doesn't work. what is most important is teaching your son the difference between a lie and the truth and the appropriate way to use fantasy. I'm not saying ignore the lie. I am saying acknowledge it by saying you know it's not the truth and the truth is important and then deal with whatever had originally happened. If you don't know for sure if it's a lie or not you can even say that you don't know and that you'd like him to tell you the truth but don't make a big deal of it. Deal with what happened. Because young children are still learning focus on the teaching.

It has been my experience as a parent and grandparent that the more I focus on negative behaviour in a negative way the more I get negative behaviour. And the more I can be calm and matter of fact (avoiding anger) the more effective I can be. I know it's difficult to do that but it's essential.

My son started lying at that age too. It was hard for me because I didn't want a kid that lied. I started questioning everythig he did since putting him in time out didn't work and he did grow out of it. My stepson, however, started lying at the same age, and no matter what, he would not tell the truth. I figured out that his mom and his dad would ask him a question and he could get away with a yes or no answer and they would belive him. I made him answer questions that were not yes or no, and then he would have to tell me the truth. Maybe try that, but don't give up, he will figure out that it's easier to tell the truth than to have to play 20 questions.

I think Marda's advice was right on! And as many moms have said, lying is really common at this age. I taught Kindergarten for two years, and was flabbergasted by the five year olds' ability to lie! They really thought I had no clue about what was really going on!

You might try giving your son some think time before he has to answer the question (and I love the advice about "20 questions"). So you might say, "Son, tell me about putting your toys away and how that went. Now, don't answer me yet. I want you to think about what you're going to say for ten seconds before you say any words out loud. Think about telling me what really happened." Use your fingers to count to ten and then ask him if he's ready to tell you about it.

You know, you could also use this as a tool to get the behavior you want. "Do you want to tell me about how cleaning your bedroom went, or do you need a few more minutes in your room so you can tell me a H. story that is true?"

Who knows? We'll see if it works for my daughter in a few years! She doesn't know she can lie...yet!

Oh, one more thing. When I was a kid I lied habitually to punish myself because there was some really bad "stuff" that was going on I hadn't found the courage to tell my folks about. My lying stopped right after I finally told my parents what was going on.

J.

This has nothing to do with your subject but I was so excited to find a foster mom because we were foster parents in California for 9 years and we are going through the process now to become foster parents here. I would love to meet you and pick your brain about the foster care system here.
Would you like to meet?

Y. Phillips

I wish I had an answer for you, but instead, I'll be watching this post to see what others have to say. My six year old is the same way, and we've tried the same things you have. I don't know what the answer is.

have him get involved in an activity where lying isnt penalized. a creative outlet such as painting, pottery, theater can be really helpful. 5 yr olds get reality and the imaginary world mixed up sometimes (i do as well when i dream about mundane things like going to the grocery store or retuning phone call) and they become very afraid to admit the dont know or remember what has happened. once this has become habit the child will always lie and tell you what he thinks he should say. let him have a creative outlet where "lying" can be considered good. this behavior is something that could become very bad for this child. because he is a foster child (kudos to you) he is being set up for a borderline personality disorder, bpd is formed in very early childhood. also explain that he will get more respect from you (trust me they understand what this means) if he tells you what really happened, i.e. "yes, honey, you are in trouble for coloring on the walls, but you are not in trouble for telling me the truth and i really appreciate the that you did tell the truth" and then give thank you hug. something like that. good luck

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I really don't. What I wanted to say is that I think it's great you are dealing with this issue now, as it will only get worse. I have a sibling who lied as a young child, and this behavior has continued on into adulthood. I don't think it's something we outgrow.

What is he lying about? I think lying is normal at this age (like 3-6ish). I guess if he's telling stories, I'd say - good, you've got a creative child! If he's lying to get himself out of trouble - I think that's normal too - that whole self-preservation thing. If he's lying to get others in trouble...that's another story. My daughter tells whoppers, (she's 4,) so we took her to the Moonshell Storytelling Festival! She sometimes lies to try to get out of trouble and my husband and I just tell her we know what is true and what is not. She always says "How did you know?" This isn't really advice, I know, but I guess in order to give advice I'd need to know what "type" of lying your son is doing. But know that it's probably not that big of a deal.

My ten year old would lie allot when he was about that age. Not big things but like picking up his toys did he brush his teeth, flush the toilet things like that. We told him we knew when he was lying because his ears would turn red. Then everytime he would start tell a "story" he would check his ears. We actually still use it on him sometimes when we can tell we arent getting the entire truth.

With him I would find out when and why he lies. If he is lying to gain approval or getting someone to like him you may want to reverse the cycle. Meaning, let him know that you will still love him if he tells you the truth, but don't say everything that he says is a lie. That will just discourage his attempts to tell the truth. Let him know that the truth even if you get into trouble behind it, it is better to always tell the truth. The truth will set you free explain this to him.

My two yr old daughter "tells stories" every now and then. What I do differently when I know she is lying I tell her that I know what has done and I tell her that she will be have to be punished. She would of course apologize which is her way of thinking that it is now ok and that mommy is not so mad. But, I explain why she is being punished as I march her to the corner where she usually stands for a couple of minutes.

Now when she is in trouble and she tells me the truth I would thank her for telling me the truth and of course I explain to her that what she has done is wrong but the severity of the punishment is not as bad as the one when she tells lies and she notices that.

She is slowy getting the hang of it and tells fewer and fewer stories. Maybe one or two a week but not as many as there were when she started. She will be 3 in November.