Ok ladies I need some advice. Here is a little back ground. I have been with my husband for 15 years married for almost 11. We have a 6 year old girl and another boy on the way in January. I have never been the kind of wife or girlfriend to question were he is going or doing when he goes out. I have never said no you can't go out with they guys (he doesn't do it a whole lot). I don't ask for his passwords, he has never given me any reason to question any of this.
So this weekend we are hanging out with family and someone asked if I could look up some information when I got to work today. Since I'm pregnant I said let me send myself an email to remember. My husbands phone was on the table and mine was in the house. I figured he would not care. Went to his mail box and there was an email from a girl that he has been talking to on Yoville. Looked furthur into his mail and said this is a mail account I don't know about. All emails were those to talking back and forth from what I could tell has been a year. From what I have read it looks like he has said I love you. (She wrote that). When reading these an another email came through and it looks like he is signed up on Match.com. I don't know what to do. He knows something is wrong and I told him we would talk about it tonight when I get home from work. Does anyone have any advice or have you been through this? I kind of what to tell him to leave, but he takes our daughter to and from school. I'm so upset by this, but don't want to bring stress to the baby. Any advice would be appreciated. Oh and this woman on Yoville lives in Florida. We are in Texas.
There is absolutely no reason for him to sign up on Match.com unless he is looking to cheat. The emails with the woman suggest an emotional connection at the very least. In my opinion, this is just as bad as cheating. You have some hard decisions to make. I will be thinking about you...good luck.
You are about to enter some very stressful and chaotic-filled times. He will deny it at first, most likely. He will make up all kinds of excuses. Stand your ground that what he is doing is cheating and hurts you and the children.
He will need to make up his mind about what he wants. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to give up all the accounts and the other woman, totally and completely and refocus his attention on his marraige. You will probably need to go into marriage counseling. There is very good advice online for how to find your way back to each other. You will have to work very very hard to figure out why this happened and what you need to do now. Keep talking, do not let him blame you, he is the one who made this choice, and he needs to make amends for it if he want to keep you as his wife.
Use whatever support system you have, your best friend, you family, whatever. Finally, you CAN heal from this. In fact, it can actually make your marriage stronger, but it will take time. A long time. I am speaking from experience. Good luck.
edited to add:
you won't find out everything at once. He will continue to lie, the truth will only come out over the next few months in dribs and drabs. If you expect that, it won't hurt so much. IN fact, you may never find out the whole truth and you will have to come to terms with that at some point.
I would approach it after your daughter is asleep. Like the others said...you know that something is going on...so just bring it up and let him tell you. Whether the woman is in FL or not...he's still having a relationship with her even if it's not physical (as far as you know).
He's signed up on match.com too which means he's looking. He may not have acted on it...but it's only a matter of time.
Chances are he'll try to make you feel bad by accusing you of snooping...but it honestly was an innocent way to discover it. I would have sent an email from my husbands account too not thinking a thing of it. So if he tries to blame shift let him know that it's irrelevent how you found out but that you did....so he needs to explain himself. I am sure at the very least he will try to pass it off as innocent but you need to decide how much you really believe when you talk to him.
I hope I'm reading this wrong...but if the only reason you want him to stay is so he can take your daughter to school...then you really need to reevaluate your relationship with him anyhow. If he is cheating and you want him gone...I am sure that you will figure out how to get her to school and home again. Friends, family, afterschool/before school care, etc. It'll all work out.
Good luck! I am so sorry you're having to go through this especially when you have a baby on the way too. :(
I'd have a hard time not going ballistic over this.
Collect the evidence - copy it and/or print it and keep it in a safe place. This could be important if/when you need a lawyer. If you want to try to save the marriage, find a counselor.
Calmly, when you can have a word with him, explain to him what you found, how you found it and what does he think you should feel about all this. Expect denial, shock he got caught, promises he'll break if off and quit his various singles accounts, etc. INSIST that he go to marriage counseling with you. Do not let him know you are keeping the evidence locked away somewhere for safe keeping (a safe or a bank lock box if off site storage is needed).
If worse comes to worse, get the best divorce lawyer you can, he will put the evidence to good use, and take the two timing scum bucket for all he is worth. A family needs a father/daddy to model a good way to live. If he's going to show the kids he has little/no respect for you and your marriage, he's showing the kids that this is the way to behave. Living like this is more damaging to the kids than showing them that you are strong and insist on being treated with respect. It's as important for your girl as it is for your boy. Good luck.
wow...okay. This may sound a bit odd, but I suggest you write down all the questions you have so that they are fresh in your mind. I would not suggest taking your notes to the discussion, that seems a bit much, but I have a feeling that this discussion is going to get really emotional really quickly, so if you have some focal points written down you can always go back to them later to help get you centered. Plus, writing them down may make them stick in your memory better to help you stay on topic. As another woman said, he will probably try and focus on the fact that you went "snooping" rather than the matter at hand. Hopefully this is some sort of a huge misunderstanding, but you need to prepare yourself for a deep discussion. Additionally, I think you really need to figure out what's a deal breaker for you in terms of your marriage. If he is cheating, emotional or phsycial or both, what would you want? Do you think you can reconcile? Ask yourself the hard questions when you're alone so that you can figure out some of that first. I hope it goes well for you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. What a nightmare! I've never been through this, but I would wait until your daughter is asleep and ask him VERY calmly what is going on. Tell him what you know and let HIM fill in the blanks. By all means DO NOT freak out on him (as much as you want to...) that just gives him more ammunition (if he is cheating) as to why he is cheating...ie "she's crazy!" Give him the slack and he'll hang himself.
From what you have said, I would think he is definitely cheating. If he admits to cheating, call a good lawyer up in Dallas, if that's what you want. Don't forget, you will continue to see him for the next 18 + years and it really stinks to see a man you paid good money to get rid of and who you know betrayed your trust.
Good luck.
Whoooooaaaa.....give the man a chance to explain! It may be nothing. It may be something. You need more information. Tell him what you saw and why you saw it.
Some possible questions to have answered:
1. Do you have feelings for this woman?
2. Have you ever met her face-to-face?
3. Why does she have your email information?
4. Tell him to log onto his other email account and let you see what's there...if he's innocent, he won't hesitate.
Good luck, honey. Hang in there. Hope you get some answers tonight.
C.,
I didn't respond here before because I didn't have anything particular to add to what the other moms had to say.
But I have been thinking about you every day since you made your post. I hope things have turned out well, or at least that you are coping well.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
first... you have the proof.. so tell him don't lie.. you know it's going on... start with that.. don't ask.. tell him you know... ask him if he wants the marraige and baby or no... is he going to change his ways? does this woman know he is married...?? ask him that... tell him divorce is a possibility because right now whether it's only by phone.. and not in person.. he is still a cheat!! you can't trust him... he got your pregnant but has been doing stuff behind your back!! as for asking him to leave... if he doesn't go far he could still take your daughter to school... don't worry about that... worry about the stuff he is doing! dont forgive to easy.. stick to your guns!!! don't fall for the kiss and hug and it's nothing.. good luck
You'll soon find the truth don't let him lie to you..By the way I would of lost complete control of myself I would of asked him right then and there who this was why is he on Match.com you want to be single fine you got it pack up and leave..
What is Yo Ville? I guess some relationship site? Anyway, YES, he is cheating - if he actually isn't, he is about to, shortly, and he is definitely looking to cheat. Otherwise why does he need to be matched on Match.com?
I would keep it as neutral as possible....bring up what you know, tell him why you were touching his phone to begin with...and let him do most of the talking. If he denies it, make him prove it to you - demand access to his Match and his YoVille account so that you can see and read everything. If he squirms at that, then you've got your answer for sure.
Then, it is up to you want to want to do....for some, cheating is a dealbreaker in the marriage. Is it for you? If so, then leave. If not, then agree to go to therapy to talk this out and resolve the issue.
