Cheating Husband - Sacramento,CA

If he doesn't treat you with respect then he won't be much of a good father anyway. Kids internalize the way their parents behave toward one another. All the best regardless.

L.,
I decided to respond to your problem because I might have a little different perspective. I know most people might advise you to figure out how to leave him because he is most likely cheating and at best has lied to you.

My husband cheated too. At first he lied or made excuses trying to cover it up, then to 'blame' the other woman.
I was so hurt I could hardly focus on taking care of my two young children. I even blamed myself for his 'straying' because I didn't pay enough attention to him while raising two young children like you are.

I did make the decision to stay and to work on forgiving him though. It was very very hard.
It was so hard to feel close to him like I once had.

But.... I did stay with him and let time heal the wounds. He ended up being so appreciative that I could forgive him. Now I am 58 years old, our children are long grown and he and I have the most loving, supportive relationship. So much better than I ever thought possible! I am so glad I kept him!!! Our children threw a fantatic 35th Anniversity Party for us.

So consider all options. In this day and age there is not a lot of support for women to stay and work things out. We are sometimes considered weak or that we are 'settling' if we choose to stay with a man who is not faithful. Look at the alternatives too. Second marriages involving steparenting are not easy. Good luck L. and don't feel alone. Also focus on your children
and your parenting. They grow up so quickly even though it may not feel like it now and you can never go back to do any of it differently. P.

Oh, L.....
Your post just breaks my heart.
My husband starting cheating on me not long after we got married. I had no proof, but he kept talking about how gorgeous this woman at work was and telling me that if he was single, he'd go for it. I was devastated. He told me there was nothing going on and that I was just being jealous because he thought she was hot. The phone calls from his office started. From his employer...wanting to know where he was. He wasn't home. And when he finally came home hours after he should have been, he told me he'd been out for drinks with everyone from work. He hit the roof when I told him I knew it was a lie because everyone from work had been calling for him all day. We moved to a different city shortly thereafter because he wasn't going to put up with his employers lying and causing problems.
He cheated on me again with someone from work, but this time I was pregnant and spent most of my pregnancy in the hospital clinging to life. I was in no position to leave him. After the baby came, I was just so glad to be alive. The lies and the missing hours in the day and his boss calling for him started again. My son was just a baby when I left him. He freaked. That's putting it mildly. We tried marriage counselling. He just sat there and said that I was jealous and delusional. We tried the "Christian" counselling. I really loved the counselor. He was sweet and really wanted to help us save our marriage but we were too far gone for that. My husband's divorce attorney suggested another person who was really tough. He said flat out that we would either fix our marriage or know it was time to end it. The goal was to "straighten me out" as far as my husband was concerned. It was during this time I found out he was being investigated for sexual harrassment at work. How he kept being mistreated by women, including me, who just wanted to lie about him became the focus. Poor him. He was 45 years old and sexually harrassing a 19 year old girl at work. Well, his side was that she and her mother just came up with a plan to lie about him and sue him and the company for thousands of dollars and they targeted him for no reason other than dollar signs.
I knew she wasn't lying, and I knew I could never look back. I felt so sick to my stomach that I could even CONSIDER trying to stay with someone because I had a child with him. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and I felt such anger about what I would do to some creep that would treat my daughter like that.
I had already made up my mind that I wanted out and would never trust him again, but the sexual harrassment thing totally sealed the deal. I was DONE. Oh...he didn't give up and kept saying how much he loved me and it was all a misunderstanding. I've been away from him for 12 years and he STILL thinks I'll take him back. He swears he's had no relationships since I left him. He's not even allowed at my house. I have no answering machine so he can't leave me messages. He's a liar, and a freak and yes, he is my son's father, but I don't subject myself to him. My son who just turned 14 told me the other day that someone is lying about his dad at work again and I just thought, "Nothing's changed."
But it has changed. Because it can't hurt me anymore. Even my son catches his dad in lies and asks me why he does it and I have no answer. He is the way he is and he never takes responsibility or admits to anything. It's always someone else lying or out to get him.
Honey....there may be hope for you, but I fear it won't be with your husband. You deserve so much better and it won't be easy, but I can't tell you how much I love sleeping in my bed every night knowing I'm not sleeping with someone I can't trust.
I hate to see any marriage fail, but even if your husband admits to everything he's done, I have my doubts that it would be from a seriously repentant perspective. My husband turned on the tears and the whole thing and sat there and blamed me and everyone else.
I definitely think you should try counselling, but for yourself and for your kids. Not for somebody who's going to want your undevoted sympathy while he drags you all down.
I'm not in your shoes, but the similarities are pretty shocking. If your husband has issues, he's got to admit them and get help. If he won't, then you get help for yourself so you can be strong enough to walk away.
You have daughters. You have to think carefully about what you would want them to put up with.

I wish you the best. My advice is to be strong and don't take any bull. Life is way too short.

It is so easy for people to tell you he is cheating and to leave him but it is always easier said than done. You need to really sit down and think about your situation. Do you still love this man? Do you think with some couples counseling you can ever learn to trust him again? Do you think your relationship is worth saving? I know once you have kids you think that you are staying because it would be better for the kid’s sake but it isn't. All the kids will see is how your husband is sneaking behind your back or how you don't trust him and check all of his personal e-mail, phone calls etc. You need to look at it as do you want your kids to grow up and treat their future partners the same way you are being treated or for them to go through what you are right now? Don’t stay because it is easier on the kids and you think you are doing what is right for them. If you stay you need to stay because you truly love the man you are with and really want it to work out for YOU and nobody else but YOU.

About a year after I was married I caught my husband looking for his old girlfriend on myspace. When I confronted him about he said he was just curious what she was up to. I didn't like the fact that he was looking for her and was constantly checking his e-mail and phone calls about a month after doing that I realized I didn't want to do this for the rest of our relationship I sat down explained to him how he hurt me and how I felt that I could not trust him he recommended that we go to counseling together and we did. The counseling really helped it seems easier to let your frustrations out when there is a third party mediator to let you know (or explain) why things happen.

I know my situation was not exactly like your but I did lose the trust for a while but we worked through because I was still in love with him and was not ready for my marriage to end. One other piece of advice I will give you is try to not talk about this with you family and close friends unless you are going to leave him and need their support. If you plan on staying your friends and family will be mad at him and possibly you because they have there own opinions and wont understand why you are staying. I lost a good friend because I told her what happened with my husband and she would talk down about him and what a pig and a jerk he was but when I decide to stay with him I was with him 100% and decide I didn't need my friends talking bad about my husband. Everybody will have an opinion on what you should do and if you don't follow there advice it might come back in bite you. I wish you the best of luck and whatever your decision I hope you really do make it for you and nobody else.

Dear L.
I have been in a similar situation. Please listen to your heart. You will probably never trust him again. You are in charge of your life and your girls, not him. What he did broke his promise to you and it is a deal breaker, you are not obligated to stay, he is not a good father, he is a liar. Good fathers are better than that, and are role models you do not want your daughters to marry someone like him. Do not feel in anyway that you are to blame. He fooled you for his own selfish reasons. You must decide, for now are you better off with out him or with him for awhile, On your terms. 1st start hiding cash for you only. 2nd if you stay for a bit get the education you may need to support yourself and the girls, use this time wisely, do not tell him that you may leave, (a friend of mine did this, she got her masters degree, then divorced). 3rd Take the girls and go some place safe for you to think and plan. 4th. Be kind to yourself, your still recovering from giving birth. Surround yourself with positive friends and family. You can do this, and your girls will be ok,

I have been there. My sons and I are very close, they now are well adjusted adults living on there own.
Good luck my prayers are with you.
M.

Hey L., like many of those who have responded, I too have personal, first hand experience in dealing with a cheating husband and trying to rebuild my relationship. I would like to forward a link to you from my personal website which I think might be helpful for you in your journey toward rebuilding trust and putting your relationship back together (since that is what you seem interested in doing). Many have found these steps helpful and I hope you will too. Here it is:

http://www.ultimatebetrayal.com/Rebuilding.html

Good luck, and feel free to email me directly if you need ANY help getting through this madness. Remember, NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU unless they've walked a mile in your shoes. People will offer all sorts of advice on what they think you should do and even offer to help you pack, but YOU need to make this decision for YOURSELF, YOU know whether or not this marriage is worth salvaging, NO ONE ELSE. People are quick to judge you and your husband but there is no perfect marriage and no perfect man. If you want to leave, then by all means do what is best for you, but don't get pulled on to the "all men are dogs, scum, etc" bandwagon just because that is someone elses opinion, okay? Do what is best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY...PERIOD.

Take care, D.-

L.,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I went through this when I was younger with my then boyfriend and it was an awful way to live. I am older and wiser now and would deal with the situation very differently than I did then. I was quite a wet blanket then and got taken for granted.

You need to sit down and talk to him. You need to focus the conversation on how you feel, use a lot of "I" statements not accusatory "you" statements. This needs to be about how his behavior is making you feel. If you make him feel threatened he will naturally become defensive. Hopefully he will have some compassion for you and how you feel. Regardless of whether he is doing anything wrong or not in reality, the fact that you feel this way should shock him. Tell him your truth. If you feel you need outside help to help you to be able to trust him again (probably a good idea) then suggest it. If he is not willing to go with you then go on your own.

Regardless of the outcome you need to communicate your way out of this situation. If you want to be with this man (and it sounds like you do) then invest in professional help, give yourself a period of time like a year in which to see improvements and work hard at it. Remember that you can not change someone only they can change themselves because they want to. Work hard at learning to communicate your needs clearly and hope that he is compassionate enough towards you and your relationship to do what it is you need him to do to make you feel safe again. Also you need to be open to hearing that there are things that he needs from you that you may not like and you will have to decide whether you are willing to do those things. If you work hard at trying to fix this with professional help and find that it is not going to work out you will be able to leave the relationship with far less baggage and be in a better place to than if you make ultimatums etc. You will also protect your children by leaving the relationship honorably if that is what it comes down to. They will also get to see that relationships take work and that you (hopefully both) tried to fix it.

Good luck and be strong.
C.

Time to move on. He can still be a great dad and live in another house. It will be hard at first, but you will move on and be much happier. Men that do these kinds of things usually don't get better, they get worse. Your kids will be fine and happy to have a mom who can stick up for herself!

If you really want to stay with your husband you may want to think about marriage counseling so you can find out if he's willing to stop his behavior with other women or not and if he is then how to re-establish trust in your marriage. I feel for you - but don't despair and if he won't go to marriage counseling try to get some counseling and support for yourself.

I know it's really hard, but based on your post, you know the truth deep down. You obviously can't trust your husband, he has a pattern of bad behavior. It will be hard to leave, but I suggest you do. Remember this the father of your children is teaching your daughters that it is okay to cheat on Mommy. I don't think you want them growing up thinking it is okay to allow men to treat them that way. Show your daughters you are strong and do the right thing for you and for them. Good luck.

Hello L.: Since you put out the whole story to be read you must be vary angry and in pain-- Thank Heavens You Said it out loud to release some of the frustration.
Sweetheart, pack up your husbands things and tell him to go stay with the moon for all you care you deserve better!!!
My brother-in-law lied for years about situations at work & of course it was not ever his fault. My sister believed him right up to the end when see accidently saw it for herself.You and your children deserve a home of respect and safety but most importantly trust.
Do you think that they would have really let him go without a reason? Having been a boss for along time I can say the backlash of legal issues would boggle the mind. They won't say anything to you because their hands are bound and if he is a cop or fireman then they really turn you away and feel bad for you but band as a brotherhood. ( I have both police and firemen in my family so don't think I am picking on them as bad apples).
If you have family that you can stay with go there for a visit while you clear your head, have a great cry, and think what you want for your daughters. In this day and age even the presidents rooting women to go back to school and better yourself through education. There are also many ways to get financial help and medical because of the children.
If he told the truth and was sorry really sorry not I am caught sorry-- you can work on it and build an even better relationship. But the fact that you could find the e-mails at all says he didn't care. You say that you are not religious- think how many times lately have you said " OH God" help me,or why God why?-so a pastor might be able to give you alot of sound help might even be able to teach about morals and ethics too. If you belong to Kaiser, there is a class for couples communication that is excellent. My husband and I took it after 30 years of marriage because we had become so used to one another we took each other for granted. A course like this taken along with counciling might be very helpful.
If He doesn't want to go then go without him -- you have a problem and you need to get the peace that you deserve.
Good Luck and keep talking or you will explode. I learned this from my sister and daughter that have both had cheaters for husbands. For a side note my father had the habit of marriage and cheating (5 times )so from the point of view of a daughter that grew up in the situation don't let him over power you - my dad destroyed my mother in mental ways so that she lost self respect, self worth and the respect of her children until we got older and could understand what our father was really like. Take Good Care of Yourself, NanaG

Hi L.,

I replied to your posting about "counseling". But, it appears in this posting that you have confused emotions. In your "counseling posting" you are going to counseling, but in this posting you "don't know what to do".....

Righfully so, you are emotionally torn about what to do. But, the decision is your, and your alone.

If you love this man, and want things to work, then you need to persue it, no matter what anybody else thinks or says.

Listen to your heart, dig deep, and feel what you want. Make your decision from there.

~N. :o)

Without trust, there is no relationship and you will not only resent your husband, but yourself too and your children WILL see that. If he was such a great dad, he would not have cheated. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. You will do more damage to your daughters if you stay with someone you don't trust than if you leave.

Here's what you know.
He lies.
He lies, you catch him, and he lies again until whatever story he tells satisfies you.
You have no way of knowing where the truth is, except that it pretty clearly is not in him.
It is also pretty important to notice that what went on with the woman at work was not just flirting - she told him to stop and he did not.
He clearly does not respect women on some fundamental level - this sounds more like a power trip than flirting.
People don't get fired for harassment for consensual, mutual flirting.
You notice, whatever he says about what was going on with the woman, and the investigation about things she had done, she is still there and he has been let go.
This tells you what people who aren't married to him are choosing to believe about their two differing stories.
The reason he is married to you is you are the one who believes his lies.
My guess is that he has always been cheating, and frankly always will.
It's up to you what you will do about it.
If you keep accepting his stupid stories, he will keep telling you lies and keep cheating.

You have two daughters.
What are you going to be teaching them about the respect they deserve from their partners if you stay with him, knowing what you know?
Being a cheat and a liar is not being a good parent.
Neither is being a doormat.
Do you plan on trying to play detective with his emails and phone for the rest of your life?
Personally I would run, not walk, out of this marriage.
If you think it is worth saving, I would recommend serious counseling for you both as a couple.

Hi L., I am so sorry you are going through all of this. My husband did cheat on my 8 years ago, after 19 year of marriage. It was the hardest thing in my life. I used to find all sorts of stuff on his emails, phones etc...while everyone would tell me he would never do that to me he did. He had denied it for months. I found out after his mother paid for him to go see this woman on the other side of the US. There is not enough room to tell you everything, but once I found out, I ordered him to get home. He says it was more of an emotional thing, but did admit to an affair over a short weekend. We had actually gone to counseling while this was going on, without my knowledge of course.

Anyway it has been 8 years now, and I still wonder every day if he will do it to me again. While I am sure there are people out ther who don't agree with me, but I love my husband and wanted to stay married so I go day by day. After he came home I took away the cell phone, made him give me all his email accounts, and learned how to use the computer more. I stil go through his cell phone, and check the computer. It just makes me feel better. I know your situation is different, but I am hoping it works out for you. You have 2 young children who need both of you. I hope counseling works for you. I am getting tears in my eyes just thinking of the pain you must be feeling. Please take care, and remember your kids need you.

Hi L.,

First of all I am so sorry for what you are enduring.

Without going into detail, I do know how it feels to be hurt this way, and what the loss of trust in a marriage feels like. I believe that trust and communication are two of the major foundations a marriage needs to succeed.
It seems as you are writing that you have lost your trust in your husband and now live in suspicion, which is a terrible place to be. I know.

Of course your husband wants to simplify his answers regarding the situations he was involved in. To me, it's kind of like having his cake and eating it too. He gets the best of both worlds. He gets to flirt, cheat, see other women, whatever he is doing, and then come home to you. If you find something out, he gives you a simple answer and hopes it will pacify you and you will forget, or not bring it up again. But in fact, you are confused and spend your time searching emails and being stuck in that suspicious place, wondering if more happened or if things are happening again. Is that a way to live?

I would say that if you want to know what happened at his job, maybe you could call his employer and ask. Although I don't know the laws anymore. I have been disabled for 10 years and am not up on what can be said to you. But if you could, I would find a way to put that area to rest. Or at least, a place where I could make further decisions for my life.

If you can't do that, then you need to have a serious talk with your husband, if he will talk with you. Tell him you need more answers about what went on. That it's not that simple as his simple answers were for you. If he can't give you what you need, then sometimes being a great dad at home is not worth it. You are suffering. He will always be your children's father, and can be a good one as you have stated. But does he have to live with you and make you miserable? Do you need to feel second class by his continual cheating on you? You deserve better.

It's my opinion here, and maybe my hurt speaking here too. But I would want someone to take care of themselves and live a happy life. Life is too short for lies and misery. (I am 48 and can tell you time really does go by quickly) Either your husband will want to make it work with you and only you... counseling and bearing the truth... or he can parent from a distance, and you can be happy with someone who will truly love you, and only you.

I do hope I was not too harsh. It just seems like there may be a pattern here with your man and I do not want to see you be hurt continually.

So dear L., please take care of yourself and God Bless you hon.

Sincerely,

B.~

SHORT CUT METHOD - L. - IF YOU ASK HIM TO JUST LEAVE TODAY -- HE WILL EITHER GET THE MESSAGE OR SAVE YOU A LOT OF TIME AND HEARTACHE.

Dear L.,

Good father, bad husband, bad liar. If you plan to stay and keep your sanity, you are going to have to do something really hard. You have to forgive him and get some counseling. He needs to regain your trust and maybe even your love, if that is possible. If your husband is unwilling to work with you on your marriage, then you will have to do something even harder….you will have ask him to leave. You deserve a life and to be treated with love and respect. Just remember to be good to yourself.

Blessings…..

Hi L.,

Men are scums. They don't do things very well. I know it is hard. I came from a family where my father would cheat and lie. My mom cried everyday. But she stuck with him because of us. As I got older. It got worst. All I wanted was to take the pain away from my mother. He finally left her when I was 20 yrs old. Best thing he ever did for the family. My mom stuck with us until today. I love and respect her always. Do what is best for you. Always stick with your children. Children forgive. They don't forget! Good luck.

Hi L. -

I am sure this is a difficult situation for you. Unfortunately, your husband is a cheat and a liar. You know the truth, as you described it, but is sounds like it is really painful to hear. You already know he was unfaithful with one woman, and here he is in another situation. Labor laws are pretty strict, so I am sure if he got "let go" it was because of something he DID. What to do from here? First, you need to put your foot down with him. He has violated your marriage, and is not trustworthy. A good father does not dishonor his wife by engaging in behavior such as this. You deserve dignity and honor, and your children deserve to see a relationship that is happy and honest. No matter if they overheard stuff or not, they know. Kids know way more than we think. IN any event, confront him with what you know, ask him to go to counseling with you, and if he isn't willing, then put him out. And mean it. A man has to know that his woman is strong and capable, and you will move forward without him. He can still be the same kind of dad without you two being together. You will make it, you will survive, because you were not created to be dishonored.
Good luck and be strong!

Hi L.

I have known many cheats and most will tell you.... the affair or whatever you want to call it was not the only one they have probably had, but it's perhaps the first one where you caught him/her. As for work, I highly doubt that woman was trying to get back at him. Why? my previous boss who was a cheat and the whole office knew about it, "blamed" one of the girls he cheated with. He said SHE was drinking too much and you know, got frisky.... like she always does.. PUHLEEZE... cheats will say the darndest things.. before or if they take responsibility for their actions.
IF you decide to stay with this guy, one, I would seem out individual therapy for you so that you can better discuss with an objective party why you would consider staying with a person who has no regard for you (or your kids for that matter) and would jepordize your relationship. Secondly, couples counseling... For you to try and play therapist on your own and try and get to the bottom of matters, you'll be left more frustrated than ever. The approach, in my opinion needs to be a constructive one but on a level playing field. Couples generally can't work this stuff out on their own. Additionally, he cheated on you a long time ago and now sounds like he did it again.... what will stop him again???? and why would you be willing to put yourself in that situation again? these are questions that need to be answered. It's one thing to try and figure out why he cheat(s) and it's another to find out why you'd be willing to stay with him and put up with it, kids or not.. you don't deserve to be treated like that... .
I wish you the best in whatever you decide!!

Dear L. - I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I have a different take on this situation than many out there. I believe that if he 'kissed' the girl, that is 'cheating', period. Doesn't matter if they went all the way... cheating is cheating in my book. And - cheaters will never change (I have personal experience with an ex-boyfriend). I do not believe in giving the cheating husband a second chance for the sake of your children. Think about it, you would be sending a message to your girls that it is 'ok' to be treated this way by men (when they grow up). You have to stand up for yourself and what you deserve and not compromise yourself. You have to be a role model for your girls so when they grow up, they do not tolerate such cheating behavior.

Best of luck! I hope things work out for you.

L.,
so sorry that you are going through this. Nobody should have to go through this...your a mother to young children and the last thing you need is to not trust your own husband. Personally, I would NOT believe him about what he is saying at work. He did it. Also, sounds like he isn't going to change his ways, maybe that's just a part of him. Who wants to live like that feeling like you can't trust the man you love and also checking emails, cell phones, etc....that can get sooooooooo emotionally draining. You need your emotional energy for those lovely kids. I don't want to tell you to leave him...but I WOULD. Your children deserve the very best of YOU....you can't really give them that when your heart is constantly being broken and your anxiously double checking everything your husband is doing.

Take care, and remember....YOU and the KIDS should come first!!!!

K.

Hi L.,

My Dad cheated on my Mom for most of their 30 year marriage - including when she was pregnant with my brother. Classy.

Luckily, when my brothers moved out and I was 14 my Mom finally got up the courage to leave him and I am SO glad she did. I really wish she had done it 10 years earlier. We would have been fine and would've been so much happier in the long run.

Unfortunatly there was no point in trying to save the marriage because there wasn't a problem with the marriage. The problem was with my Dad. Even he admits now (he's 82) that it was his low self esteem that 'made him' cheat and every time he said he would stop he meant it with all his heart, but then he would start feeling bad about himself again and find a woman (that wasn't his wife and the mother of his children) to validate him. Ultimatley he realised about 20 years too late, that he needed to figure out ways to make himself feel better about himself, rather than always looking for a woman to do it for him, but that took him about 50 years to figure out.

In my opinion, I would take some time to get your life together (put some money aside, get your support network ready, make sure you are in a stable position financially and as much as you can be emotionally, maybe get yourself some counselling to build your own self esteem so that you know you can make it on your own) and then get out of there. You will all be better off for it - particularly your girls. Don't fool yourself into believing they won't know their dad is a cheat. They will and how do you want them to see you've responded to it. If your daughter was coming to you in this situation in 20 years, what would you advise her to do?

I realy feel for you. You deserve to be with a man who loves you completely and would never do anything to hurt you or your girls and you are not with a man like that now.

Good luck. D.

Wow, L., that's really hard. It's pretty apparent that he's up to no good, so don't believe him.

However he's a good dad, and that's really important.

Maybe some marriage counseling? Dr. Laura's book? I don't know the remedy for an immature husband who's looking for attention from other women, but I do know how hard it is on kids when their parents split up (my ex cheated on me and dumped us when my son was 1 - it was always really hard on my son, who's now 20).

So if there's any way to save this marriage, try to do it. Read last week's issue of Time magazine on marriage and divorce's effect on kids. Maybe show it to your husband.

I have no other good advice on how to deal with idiot men.

L.,

My heart goes out to you and your daughters. My only advise is to follow through with counseling. As tempting as it is to say how I feel about his actions, I think every marriage deserves professional mediation before calling it quits. You don't want to leave wondering if you've done everything you could.

And please try to take care of yourself... spend time with loved ones, exercise and eat well. Your body is still recovering and I'm sure the stress is doing some major damage.

Good luck and may God bless you with the strength to get through this.

Being a good father and husband are different. Divorced people can still be great parents.

Perhaps you should confront him... you want the truth. If you are not satisfied with the answer, then it's time for other measures. You do not want to be in a marriage where you don't trust your husband and he cheats. It may be little things here and there but it's still cheating.

Remember the wedding vows. It should only be him and you building a life together and supporting each other.

Have you thought of counseling?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

How can you NOT leave? He said this, and he said that. Right. This guy is a liar, and a dog, and he has disrespected you and his children. How could you let your children be raised by a person like that? You may not be ready to leave this time, but remember what I say: a man like this never does it just once. He will do it again and again and again, and it will get worse each time.

Hi L.,
It sounds like your intuition is telling you that he is lying and you are probably right. This is so painful and hurtful when you give your life to someone and they act in this way in return. You have to decide what you want for your life - and you certainly don't want your daughters to get older and think this is the kind of behavior that they should expect/accept in their own husbands. Think about what you can do (where you can go, who you can move in with - mom?) and I would say make a seperation, at least. During that time, you two can decide if you want to go to counseling and so forth. But do what is best for you - clearly your husband isn't worrying about what is best for you and your daughters - take care of yourself and stay strong.

I know that the thought of your spouse cheating can be really hard to deal with. When I caught my fiance messaging other girls and then found out that he was actually seeing one it really made things harder. I was pregnant with our son when he left me to be with her. When we did get back together one of the biggest things we had to work on is communication and trust. Even though it happened 2 and a half years ago I still worry. Maybe you could try some marriage councling to try to get to the bottom of why he did send the messages and may or may not have harrassed a co-worker. Talking to someone together might help for him to realize how much this bothers you(as it should). I went through every email he got up untill a few months ago, but when I was talking to a friend she told me that if I keep on doing that all Im going to do is drive myself crazy thinking that I am going to find something. I had to learn to trust him agian. It took a while of really talking to each other and getting all of our feelings out there for me to start to trust him. But if they don't know how you feel its hard to fix a problem with the relationship. I hope this helps you some. Just try sitting down and with out arguing talk about how this whole situation makes you feel and your concerns for the future.

Are you better with him or without him? Do you as a couple need a cooling off period? What if you were to take your children elsewhere for a week or two without him?

Are you able to say how you feel and does he hear what you're saying? Or, is he doing all the talking?

Does he respect himself? Does he respect you physically, emotionally, and intellectually?

Let him know why what he did was wrong and what your boundaries are. What are your non-negotiables? What are your deal breakers? Ask what are his. Let him know you still love him (if you do), and that he has let you down.

Make it clear you mean what you say. Don't compromise. And don't be intimidated. Be honest. Tell the truth no matter what. And be straight-arrow about everything. He can take it. You have to be straight-arrow for your daughters. This isn't the time for hysterics, yelling or screaming. You are both adults with obligations and responsibilities.

Praise him when he deserves it. Give him a few compliments once in a while and he will be able to accept criticism a lot easier. The bottom line is that you want to tell it like it is.

How much are you willing to work to save your marriage? How much is he willing to work to save his family?

What are you doing/what have you done to show that you can keep your "cool" and be the change you want to see? Do you fly off the handle when things go bad? Does he? What are you "reading" in him?

Good luck. I am praying that you make good decisions.