Changing Negative to Positive

J. -

Keep working on the verbiage if you think it will make the new positive thoughts more palatable. Meanwhile, remember, regardless of how you couch it, it will take some time. You didn't get into this negative feedback overnight. It takes a goodly number of deliberate repetitions to break the habit.

One mantra that works well for me is "Oh look, another opportunity to practice patience." Great for when things break, need repair, replacement, I've carelessly ruined all the whites by throwing in a red t-shirt, opposing counsel won't grant a continuance on a deposition date, when the toilet overflows, when the power steering fails, when my kid fails to brush his teeth." When you first start to say it, it might have a bit of snark to it. Here's the thing, with enough repetitions, and life gives us plenty of those moments, the snark kind of wears off. Patience requires a lot of practice. :)

Good luck to you.
Best,
F. B.

Not all negativity is bad. I'm an odd one. Negativity motivates me more than positivity. When I was 31, I was at a friend's card party. I said, "I want to move to Vegas". The girls thought was extremely funny and doubted me. I moved a few months later and lived there 12 years.

Again, not all negative thoughts are bad.

J., forget about all the little things that have crept up on you and enjoy life.

There are good times waiting for you in life. Once they get rolling, you don't even have to look for them.

Shake whatever it is that is holding you back and get on with life.

So for the statement you asked for...how about, "Just do it".

I've had to do this too... here are a few examples:

"I like when my son is able to do things independently". (work on some sort of acknowledgment system for this; praise him every time he does these things on his own; he may be wanting your attention and going about it in the wrong way)

"I like when everyone is able to get along." Maybe calling family meetings sometimes might be useful. I have found that when my husband and son are at loggerheads, I can say "family meeting" and listen to both sides, then lay out a plan for going forward. This works for our family. (Grab the book "How to Talk so Kids will listen... and how to listen so kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlish-- GREAT book on interpersonal communication, esp. on target for families)

"I get to take care of things at home, where my presence does make a difference." Sometimes, no one notices the stuff we do except for us. Give yourself little 'treats' or pats on the back throughout the day. A cup of good tea or coffee, a little cookie, re-read a card or note from a friend, take 15 minutes to sit down and read something that you enjoy. Only YOU can carve out those moments for yourself.

"I want to see my son succeed in school. I want to help him to the best of my ability." If homework is like pulling teeth, see what you can do to create a different space or routine so that he's less distracted. Plan your afternoon to give him some sit-down support if he needs it. Sometimes, my son (nearly 7) needs me to sit right by him for him to work, so I just bring my laptop or a book and do that next to him. Then I can comment "oh, good, you got that part done. You are really getting this knocked out" or "what are you having trouble understanding?"

"I am managing the household and teaching my family to care for themselves when they get older." Sometimes, signs are more helpful than standing over them. Sometimes, you need to review the sign you made, aloud. Try to keep those routine reminders on a daily to-do list that they can move a magnet down (to mark their place) or check off. Sometimes, visual reminders are better and less emotionally charged than having to tell someone *again* that they need to do something. This might mean a dinner plate with a post-it on it :"take out trash" removing the controls to the video game player with a sign for the chore that needs doing (they can have the controls back after the job is done)... it gives a person the chance to do the task without the personal confrontation.

Instead of "I have to control this situation", you might want to rephrase that with "I can give boundaries and guidance, and the only person I can control is myself. Others may choose to do what they will, and then they may have unpleasant consequences." I would encourage you not to feel responsible for the emotions or lack of follow-through by other members in your family. Logical consequences. Manage what you can, do your part in the situation, and let the chips fall where they may. It's better than always ensuring the perfect outcome but taking all that responsibility on ones self, it only breeds resentment in everyone else.

"I help create a daily routine for our family to thrive". And then listen for feedback/ make adjustments....

I hope this helps.

I'd like to suggest a slightly different framework. It sounds like you have a huge, stressful workload, and not a lot of support. It's understandable that you'd get resentful, frustrated, and just flat-out exhausted at times. That CAN be a rut -- I've been there, and go there frequently, too. I get that. But it seems like you're adding to your exhausting workload by being really hard on yourself, just for the feelings that pass through your head. Beyond being unfair, that sounds really counterproductive, since it's like your inner critic is just one more "person" heaping thankless demands on you.

What I'm going to recommend, then, is that you replace your inner critic with an inner cheering column. When you feel alone, then be your own best friend: "Wow, I got everyone out of the house, clean, dressed, fed, and on time! Wow! Now I'm going to take two minutes and savor my cup of coffee, as a reward, before moving on to the next thing." "Wow, I got the recycling/garbage out on time. Disaster averted." "Wow, I mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, shoveled the walk, etc. Not bad for a girly-girl." "Wow, homework's done, dinner's cooked and eaten, dishes are clean, kid's bathed and in bed. Wow! Okay, that's it, I'm not doing another thing today."

I don't have a lot of help, in terms of housework and just making things happen, myself, and I find I really need to give myself credit, as a practical measure, lest I get caught in a spiral of resentment against all the people who could be, should be, thanking me and helping me out. And honestly, we -- I, you, everyone reading this -- we deserve a little credit. We deserve to savor the morning coffee and the evening glass of wine. What we do is hard as hell.

So, that's my thought. I hope it helps.

Many years ago I read something that changed my thoughts forever.
"Never complain about doing dishes, if you have dirty dishes you have food to eat".
Now take that statement and translate it to every situation in your life.

I have to do laundry -- to -- I am so lucky to have a washer and dryer and nice clothes to wear.
I have to make my child do this -- to -- I am so lucky to have a healthy happy child to care for, many women lose children by miscarriage or disease.
I have clean my house - to -- I am so lucky to have a home to live in, hundreds of thousands of people are homeless.

You get the idea. it's called 'attitude of gratitude'. Be thankful for what you have and it changes your whole perspective.

Biggest help for me was changing from "have to" to "choose to". You don't HAVE to do laundry. You CHOOSE to have clean clothes for your family. You don't HAVE to direct your son to brush his teeth. You could be the type of mom who lets their child grow up to have rotten teeth. YOU CHOOSE to take advantage of the resources you have to provide a toothbrush and toothpaste and teach your son to take care of his teeth. What a blessing it is to have that option... It really works for about everything. I don't HAVE to provide a home cooked meal every night. So when I get annoyed doing it I think I COULD serve McDonald's every night... I choose not to do that. You could be a trashy person living on welfare in a pit of a state paid for shack, sitting in front of the tv every day all day not watching or teaching your kids, right? You COULD do that... Knowing you actually could do that but don't want to live like that kind of takes away some burdern and makes me feel more proud/worthwhile and makes doing things easier.

You have a lot of good responses here. Here is another way to look at life. It's a Chinese parable:

There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"

Then, when the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck?

Who knows?

Everything that seems on the surface to be an evil may be a good in disguise. And everything that seems good on the surface may really be an evil. So we are wise when we leave it to God to decide what is good fortune and what misfortune, and thank him that all things turn out for good with those who love him.

My favorite: I picked this life. I choose to be the responsible one, and I am thankful for being able to take care of everyone with my excellent organization skills.

I can either be joyful or resentful in my duties, only I control how I respond, so if I don't want to be miserable, I can choose acceptance and joy.

In short, replace have to with choose to. It's amazing how something heavy can become light when you see it as your choice.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

I can only control myself.

Acceptance - Acceptance - Acceptance

Let go and let God.

I am grateful that I have the mental capacity to nurture my family and the physical stamina to run my household.

This is not for everyone, but has been incredibly valuable for me. I still use the principles in http://www.thework.com/index.php to tweak my attitude.

And how about nudging those parenting duties toward more independence in your child? This single best guide I've ever found for doing this is the marvelous little book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The parents in my circle who have used this approach to communication have all marveled at the difference it's made in their families.

It's a wonderful position you find yourself in, J.. Realizing that change would help us is the first step in changing. Wishing you success!

Please read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will change the way you look at your relationships with others, and it will help you understand that your need to always be in control is a real problem that can interfere with health and happiness.

I hear you. It's so hard fulfilling all of those roles, and it can spiral down quickly sometimes.

I don't like the idea of just changing everything to "getting" to do things. Really it just puts a negative emphasis on those tasks and you still don't believe it's an opportunity, you know?

I suggest you change them up to take some of the emphasis off of you..First of all, instead of "I" for everything, use your marriage and your family, and what action *you* will take. "WE need to nurture our kids, so *I* will help with homework today." "WE need to control this situation, but here is what *I* will choose to do about it."

Otherwise, try not to focus on the day-to-day. What's the bigger picture here? When you look back on all of this, you won't remember each of the daily tasks you had to do, so as hard as it is to accomplish it in the moment, it's not worth building up anger.

You're not alone in this, even though it feels like it because you feel under-appreciated. You and your husband are a team. Your family is a unit. They depend on you, but you depend on them too.

On another note, it helps me to just check out for a bit if I'm overwhelmed (no matter what it is). Some days I think, "great! I did 3 loads of laundry, all the dishes, bathed the kids, etc, so I'm not doing anything else. Dinner out tonight." Other times if I get frustrated, I tell my husband I need a minute, or I need to do something for myself. Coffee, glass of wine, read a book, go to the store, etc. Just detaching for a bit can really help.

I am big into psychology and understanding how our minds work best. Perhaps I am misunderstanding but I don't understand how this exercise is supposed to change your attitude.

"I stepped in dog poop!"

"I had the opportunity to experience dog poop on my shoe!"

Either way my foot smells and I have to clean my shoe.

Changing have into get doesn't change what you are doing. I mean, "I get to do the laundry"? Woo hoo!!! :)

How about, "I can help my son learn to be more self sufficient"? Win win! He takes responsibility to remember to brush his teeth, do his homework...all you have to do is help him learn the skills to do it. He gets a life skill and you get guilt free down time.

At least in my world changing words doesn't change my feelings. If I feel too much is falling on my shoulders I ask for help. With my kids I show them how they can help and help them to remember to do it. That makes me feel better.

Take it for what you think it is worth.

Sounds like you are resentful that the people you love and care about the most are letting you down at every turn...because they are not meeting your expectations. This is TOTALLY normal to feel this way.

You have to learn to let it go. You can't control others..you can only control yourself and your reaction to outside influences. Please...lower your expectations of others or you will constantly be disappointed, annoyed, resentful and it all turns to anger. People will constantly let you down because they won't do things the way you would do it.

Sounds to me like you are overwhelmed.... that you are feeling the brunt of the household duties. I don't know the ages of your children. But, it helps to let them feel the natural consequences of actions. As for homework, let them turn in unfinished work and have a consequence at school. Don't get into battles with your kids over homework.

Talk(don't nag,yell or lecture) about the importance of a good education and what it takes to get good grades. Ask your child when he/she thinks a good time to do homework is. Then each day, at that time, reiterate that you talked about _________pm being a good time to get homework done and then leave it there. Put the responsibility on him/her.

My kids all do chores each day...even though I am a SAHM. They start young in our home. They do their laundry, clean bathrooms, vacuum, dishes from start to finish, help cook...and much more. We have a chore chart and some of the chores are paid chores..others are expected chores without pay.

Sometimes having a sit down chat over a big pan of brownies or popcorn helps lighten the mood as you talk about how you are a family and everyone needs to pitch in to make the home a happy and tidy environment.

Do you work?? If so, then your husband has to step up and do more around the house. Talk to him about some of the responsibilities he can take on. Make a list of ALL the things that need to be done(not just your wish list), but the things that really need to be done. Then ask him to pick a few that he can do. WHen he does these things tell him how much you appreciate it and how much it helps you.

Yes...God has a plan for you. But God isn't going to make your husband or children step up with household chores, homework or personal hygiene . But,through prayer, He can bring peace to your heart and He can help lighten the heavy burden on your heart and mind. He can inspire you with ideas of how to create a more loving feeling in your heart for your family.

How about you have family prayer every morning and every night. This is something we do and I can bear witness that it has helped soften hard feelings, helps us think of others and brings us closer together as a family unit. We also have one night set aside as a family night...no cell phones or electronics allowed unless we are watching a movie. This is a time devoted to being together and enjoying each other...and usually involves a treat. We usually end up playing a game and laughing...throw in a spiritual thought or scripture.

We have attended some parenting classes and worked with a child behaviorist. One of his big themes was that families need to raise the happiness and fun in their home if they want to see a change in bad behavior and defiance. I have seen that this is very true!

I hope that maybe I have given you some insight. You are not alone. Many mommas deal with feelings of resentment because all to often the "homemaking", nurturing and all things child care fall on our shoulders. Resentment is exacerbated if a mom is also working and gets minimal help from her husband.

I hope you get lots of great ideas on this site that will help you move forward and have a better attitude and outlook on your future.

I am working with my family to help all of us improve. We are finding that "The One Word that will Change your Life" is helping us. To sum it up very briefly, you pick one word to focus on instead of statements/resolutions. For instance, my word is Renew. So I try to filter what I choose to do through the lens of that word. Does exercising help me renew? (yes) Does taking care of my children help me renew? (yes) Does getting a massage help me renew? (emphatic yes) Does watching TV help me renew? (sometimes) Does eating chocolate help me renew? (sometimes and if it is because I am choosing to really enjoy it). Does eating because I am stressed out help me renew? (no)

The word can be anything that will work for you. And then we are placing them strategically (screensaver, on the mirror, in my car) to remind us to be aware. It is a short book and they have a website www.getoneword.com that can provide resources as well. Good luck with whatever you choose to do to make positive changes in your life.

If the change "have to" to "get to" isn't working for you, change "have to" to "choose to" - "I choose to do the laundry," "I choose to be responsible for cleaning the house." Everything we do is a choice and is often a privilege. No, you don't HAVE to do the laundry, you choose to do so because you like clean clothing. You don't HAVE to clean the house, you choose to do so because you don't want to live in chaos and filth.

Beyond that though...you seem very focused on "the drudgery of daily living" - why is that? To me, the things you list are just parts of the routine of my day. Sure not everyone cooperates, and I'm sick of telling my kids to brush their teeth (really my oldest is almost 16 why does he have to be reminded?), I loathe the daily fight of checking homework, I get tired of cooking 1,000 meals a year for 6 people, etc. but I don't frame these in terms of things to get through because they're peripheral.

So that's a long way of asking...what else do you do with your time? What engages your mind, challenges you, brings you joy, makes you feel accomplished? Do you work? If not, can you volunteer somewhere? Do you have hobbies? Do you set challenges for yourself that have specific outcomes and deadlines (e.g. I am going to run a 5K by Mother's Day or I'm going to plant a vegetable garden in May or I'm going to learn how to knit or read X number of books by June)? I know that what you mentioned is just a small piece of your life and is what this question directly pertains to, but the things you're focused on would make anyone gloomy - do you have enough other things in your life that you can and choose to do that minimalize the tedious and annoying tasks that we all deal with?

There is a great book on parenting through defiance by Dr. Kazdin where he talks about the power of naming a positive opposite. Perhaps this is an exercise that would be good for you? For example, instead of just telling your kids that you want them to stop fighting, you come up with a specific positive opposite - "I want you to be able to relax together in the family room for 30 minutes after school and use only positive or neutral words and actions" - and then measure and reward their success. This could be something that you use on your own thoughts.

Hope that helps!

How about "I get to be a Mom" (I started my family at age 38, and am often astonished that I got to have 3 boys, never mind that I adopted one of them)

Do you get to be a stay-at-home Mom? What a blessing that would be! How about "I get to do these things for my family and home, without having to work somewhere 100 hours a week under non-stop dead-line pressure"? Or "on my feet at Walmart?" Or "Outside in the weather, even when it's bad"? (or something that reminds you that having time and $ to do these things for your family and home is a blessing)

Do you have friends? Hobbies? Try to carve out a little time for them, so you feel happier. Even 15 minutes/week on the phone or reading or whatever could help.

Do you ever get to take naps? Do you have a warm home and enough to eat? Do you have a safe place to sleep at night? It's too easy to forget that these are NOT the norm around the world - we're lucky if we have these.

Do you trust your husband? Does he provide for you? Does he treat you like you are special to him? If so, hold this with all your heart.

I have been homeless and hungry, and without children to love - and sure I'd never get to have any. And as much as there are things in my life that pi-- me off (in my marriage, mostly), I know I've got it easy now. Try to think from that perspective, and it may help.

Good luck!
e

Quite a few years ago I had to undergo testing for suspected MS. It took a couple of months and for those months I was really forced to look at the world through different eyes. It woke me up. I really SAW disabled people in a different way. I really had to think about my future in a different way. Would I physically be able to work? To take care of my children? To live the life I had hoped to?
I did not have MS. I learned so much from that process. Sure I still complain, but I am able to snap out of it pretty quickly. I am physically able to provide for my family. I am here to raise my kids. I can choose to find joy in even the smallest things. In this way, a near miss with a serious illness was a great blessing.

You say you have to control the situation. What will happen or what do you think will happen if you let the control go? Will it just not be "right" or will the world fall in?

I hate to be late. But most of the time, what happens if I am late? I'm just late. I get less time or I miss a few minutes of the movie or I'm sliding into the pew after the announcements. I may still not like it but being a few minutes late isn't the end of the world and I am trying very hard to let that go. I tell myself I was not in an accident, no one is judging me, etc.

You have a spouse, right? So what can he do so you don't have to? And your kid is how old? How about sit down with him and make a list. Then you teach him to do for himself by following his list. You can say "I trust my son enough that he will either follow his list or face his own natural consequences."

If you think you need to keep the peace, how, specifically? Can you say that you are only responsible for your own actions and that allowing the children to work out their own problems encourages them to problem-solve?

Same with chores and laundry, etc.

I also find the Serenity Prayer to be helpful. Use it as a mantra when you feel stressed.

Even the happiest person can get overwhelmed and become overloaded. Even the most grounded person can lose track of what is important to them and not see the forest for the trees. It sounds like you are stressed with more things than you can handle. Instead of just positive self talk, what can you drop that you do now or have others help you with or take over? Perhaps make a morning chart for your son to follow with pictures of the tasks he needs to do as well as an evening chart. Sit down with him and explain that mommy gets sad or grumpy when she has to do everything and that he needs to help by doing some things for himself. When you put away his clean clothes, put whole outfits in shoeboxes or bags so he can dress himself. Sit down with your husband and explain that you cannot do all the housework alone, and discuss what tasks he can do. When my husband and I had this talk many years ago we divided up the housework but he got to do those tasks on his schedule, not mine. His complaint was: "whenever you get in a cleaning frenzy I have to drop everything and help, I would rather take over vacuuming and agree to do it once a week but do it when I want to do it" which was totally fair in my opinion.
And if it is your mental health versus cost then I think it might be worth it to pay for some take out food or someone to help clean or a mother's helper to do some laundry folding or cleaning while you help your son with homework. If you completely break down then the whole family suffers, so explain your difficulty and involve them in the solution. Good luck.

i still have to direct my kids to get ready for bed, do their homework, chew the food without talking, get their baths ready, cook, clean. i have to. but i also take a happy pill so that i smile while i do all these things. sort, no help. life is what you make of it. some is good, some is annoying, and some is…life.

motherhood can often be a frustrating, thankless job! try telling yourself though that some women don't get the privilege of experiencing motherhood or marriage. sometimes you gotta take the rain with the rainbows :)

I am so happy you recognize that you need to change what's in your *head* and not just expect the world to change for you. And I'm glad you have people helping you, because it's a huge change to make. But you'll always be thankful you did it.

I don't know you. I can't sit down over tea with you and listen to you talk and give you some suggestions. But years ago, when I was very down and feeling helpless (and very resentful), I received more help from a motivational speaker named Zig Ziglar than I can describe. I will *always* be thankful to God for putting a certain cassette tape (remember cassette tapes?) in the bookstore for me to see and wonder about. Mr. Ziglar passed away a couple of years ago, but his organization is there and they have a good web site. You might find a lot of food for thought - and ways to talk to yourself - by watching and listening to some of the messages, although you're going to think the advice is CRAZY at first. (I have find that if I'm really going to have to learn something I have to listen to it at least twelve times! The first three times aren't worth anything, and then the rest of them start to do me some good.)

I'm going to try to post just one link so you can get some idea of what you'll get. If it doesn't work, let me know, and I'll try to send it to you another way. It happens to be about a job problem, but it can apply to a family just as well. Listen to the whole thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRMogDrHnMQ

Stubbornness can be redirected!

I think for starters you need to take this one step at a time. I have a 12 step daily reader which is called just for today........ that said, you won't be able to reframe every thought all at once, that takes practice and lots of it..
However, what you can begin to do is this.. with each situation that bugs you, take a step back.... ask yourself, is this a battle worth fighting and or personalizing... get clarity on the situation at hand and learn what IS really happening and how your mind is perceiving it...
Here's an example from my own life....
My husband assumes that I didn't put away the dirty dishes in the rack and because of it, begins to take out what are actually dirty dishes.......
At first, I took it as.. what , don't you think I do anything around the house and may have put away the clean dishes and then added the dirty ones..
After taking a step back I realized.. Hey, this isn't about whether he thinks I do something or not.... fact is.. the dishes looked clean and he began putting them away.. Had I allowed myself to further entertain the thought process of.. oh he must think I am lazy.......... etc etc..
rather then.. no what.. dishes looked clean, so I started putting them away..
over and done with..

sometimes we over personalize things... could be you are doing too much of this.. try and take things at face value without over-thinking them...
if you can do this.. life will begin to feel less stressful..

good luck to you..

"Is it a mess or a catastrophe", this is my mantra

Best wishes

Have you read "Peace is Every Step"?

I've felt overwhelmed with my negative self-talk, especially when it's pretty clear that I'm not doing a good job with the whole household moving along on schedule thing & it's all on my back to make happen. Since organization is NOT my strong suit, I have been trying to do the whole FLY Lady thing. I'm not doing it perfectly, but every little bit I DO do, helps me & she uses verbiage that is positive about house cleaning that I have started to use in my head too--like "blessing my family &/or myself" when I do a certain chore, etc that once I decided to use too, has helped me not feel negative or resentful while taking care of business.

Honestly? I think you need to turn your attitude into gratitude. Instead of dwelling on all of this daily minutia you need to look at the bigger picture and count all of your blessings.

Instead of spending your time on these thoughts take inventory of all that is good and give thanks for that. "Thank you for my friends, especially...", "Thank you for my job which provides for us...", "Thank you for my health...". "Thank you for..."