Challenging Mother in Law

There probably is no way to resolve this other than to have solid boundaries with her.

I'm all for good in-law relations but sometimes it's impossible.

Boundaries. Polite, nice, but firm boundaries.

You don't have a problem with your mother in law, you have a problem with your husband.

She sounds like she may have a mental illness.

That said, your husband is being wishy-washy. (And I'm putting that nicely.) Your husband needs to run interference. He needs to stop her when she starts saying rude things; he needs to interfere, remove her, or remove your family from her. He needs to tell her that you will be reducing the amount of time that your family will spend with her until she gets counseling for her mental illness or learns how to shut her mouth.

ETA: If you haven't figured it out yet, your husband is NOT being supportive. Piling your kids in the car at 8pm on a Sunday to appease a bitchy MIL is not support, it's enabling. And destructive. And stupid.

My MIL is staying with us for a month. I feel your pain.

They came to help us move and have a baby.

I haven't answered a single question since they arrived (had FIL for 2 weeks also). "where do you want your computer?" MIL answers for me.

We tried to play preventative, so just asked her to organize our whole kitchen (b/c she was going to anyway). She bitched about how unorganized our boxes were. She bitched about how many boxes there were. She bitched that her cabinets weren't as nice. She bitched that the toddler was getting into her cabinets. She bitched that the toddler was in her pantry. She bitched when she burned something on our new stovetop b/c we didn't have XYZ cleaner. She bitched at my suggested cleaner.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been ordered around, ignored when I ask them to stop doing something, attacked when I suggested that we not give in to the oldests' temper tantrums, and ridiculed for seemingly every choice I/we have made over the past several years up to present.

I was also forced to apologize for being in a bad mood during the first week of the reign of terror. They threatened my wife that if I wasn't nicer, they were going home. That was the DAY AFTER she had given birth.

My wife - after 17 months of not giving in to temper tantrums, changed her mind after MIL threw a fit.

I have been PMing my trusted sources for over a week now, trying to wrap my brain around "what is the high road for me to take?"

I bent over and took it. I smile and nod. I take orders and promptly carry them out. I'm still harassed, teased and insulted.

But I can't let them walk out on my wife. She says she needs the help, and if my job is to eat sh#t in order to get her help to stay, then so be it.

I've tried being thankful for what they're doing for us. I've tried to be thankful they even showed up (my parents haven't). But what has worked best for me is realizing that I can't control their verbal diarrhea. I can only control my actions.

So I smile and obey.

When I came home yesterday, Mrs. On Purpose begged me to watch the eldest so she could get some work done (we finally got the internets). MIL was "busy" rewashing blankets that had been washed twice already, and cooking.

I'm at the office today, hiding. I hope the two of them figure out what "help" MIL is there for. Beyond that, apparently I don't need a good relationship with them (I thought they would be psuedo-parents to me) - I just need a "good enough" relationship to keep my sanity and keep them from jumping ship.

I smile and obey.

You've been tolerating this for 18 years?
I think that's long enough.
I assume hubs is aware of her shenanigans?
Let him deal with her and assure her that this is NOT your problem!

Sorry you have been putting up with this for 18 years! Imagine there's a chord, like an umbilical chord between you and the mil. So whenever she criticizes you that negative energy travels through the chord into your heart and it hurts your feelings. Ok now imagine a giant pair of scissors. Whenever she is spouting her complaints just imagine SNIP! Cut that chord of emotional attachment. Actually visualize it, and then think of your happy place and try breathing and relaxation to center yourself on what you know to be good and true. She will never change, but you can. use this visualization technique to separate her feelings from yours. It's like she's a radio station playing music you don't like, so just turn it off or change the channel. Keep a smile on your face, your head held high. It's only someone else's opinion. Wether it's a stranger or your husbands mother, other people's opinions do not control us or effect us unless we allow them to. As long as your husband supports you emotionally in this and as a couple you are a united front and he's not playing both sides of the fence then you will be ok! God bless

Does she do this in front of your husband or behind his back? IMO, if she does this in front of both of you then you need to form a united front. Sit down together (you and DH) to set up guidelines for how you want to deal with her accusations and negativity then implement the plan together.

If she is saying these things only to you then While I would suggest discussing it with your DH I think it really falls to you to set the guidelines by which you will interact with MIL.

It is unlikely that MIL will change but it is worth a try. More importantly you need to make it clear to her that if she is negative then you will exit the conversation immediately. Just like with kids, start trying to catch her being positive and reward it with an acknowledgement of appreciation. If she starts being negative and critical, point it out in a "cheerful" (not whiny way) and then move the conversation onto more positive topics. If she continues to harp, inform her in a straight forward way, "Sounds like you are not having a very good day. Why don't we talk more tomorrow when you are feeling better." Just keep repeating this pattern over and over and over. Stick to your plan, do not let her suck you into a conversation where you start feeling defensive or like you have to justify your actions. End the conversation as soon as you feel like you have to argue a point she made. It will take a lot of self awareness on your part because you will have to start being super conscious of your responses. She is clearly a master of "button-pushing".

I had a very manipulative MIL. She had all her kids twisted in knots, had chased away loads of her kids significant others and made a go at me. I never, ever rose to her bait. If she said how nice my DH's ex-wife was, I agreed with her. If she said she would never come to visit us for one reason or another, I simply responded with "OK, that is your choice." If she got drunk and verbally abusive, I left the room. Within 5 years, we were good friends and she expressed her respect for me. My DH was even able to change his relationship with her by using my methods. When I met him, he had refused to visit his mother for the previous 4 years because the relationship was so toxic. But he learned how to recognize her "button pushing" strategies and to roll right past them or change the topic without ever taking the bait.

Good luck and stick to it!

Find a quiet calm time to sit with your husband and talk. Do not accuse your MIL of being difficult, a pain, or anything like that. Do repeat in a non judgmental way some of the things she has said and tell him you are worried. Ask if she has always said things that dont really make sense, confused the facts of recent events etc. He will not want to see it but she is not quite right and should be under a Dr's care. She may have always been this way. He NEEDS to spend time with his mother, just him, not you. He needs to take care of the woman who raised him the way she took care of him. More time with her son will prob go a long way in making her happier.

She sounds terrible I have no advice for you, I just read all these posts about crazy MIL's (mine included) and they all serve as a reminder for me to never treat my future il-laws like that.

Added - Dad on Purpose, I'm so sorry! Thank goodness you have an office to go to! If I were you, I'd go to work every single day and let your MIL reign. Your wife will get tired of it and finally either ask her to leave, or go hide herself.

You did the right thing, I think, not letting her walk out on your wife. Not because she really needed the help. But because without going through the rest of her mother's "reign of terror", she would not know how bad it could get.

When your wife is feeling better, stronger emotionally as well as physically, I hope she will stand up to her mom and not let her treat you guys this way. I fear that after MIL leaves, you will have a hard time with your toddler, but be steadfast, don't blame your little guy, and just do what you have done before MIL got in the way. He'll get used to having to behave as before.

I hope that your MIL won't be coming over much after this. I really do.

Original:

J., you've been putting up with this for 18 years? What does your husband say? Does he put his head in the sand? Does he ignore them? Does he stand up to them?

Quite frankly, perhaps you should just stop doing anything from now on and make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why do you think that you have to stand there and TAKE what all she is dishing out? You don't! Walk out. Stop trying with her.

Do your children hear the things she says? They shouldn't be around her if that's the case.

I'm sorry, but life is too short to allow yourself to be abused. Your MIL is irrational. I'm sorry she has chosen you for her ire, but the truth is, you don't have to keep putting up with it.

Tell your husband to go visit his mother - that you are staying home. If she wants to come over, go visit your friends. Your husband can entertain her. That's what she wants anyway. If they don't remember that you do anything to help, what's the point in helping anyway?

Perhaps once she doesn't see you anymore, she will start to actually miss you. And if your husband wants them to come to the kids events, he can invite them himself.

The quicker you get over her ridiculous complaints, the happier you will be. And by the way, the kids won't want to be around crazy grandma because of crazy grandma - not because of you.

If your husband is being as crazy as your MIL, THEN you have a real problem. Meanwhile, tell him that he has to deal with his mother from now on. You give up.

Dawn

Your MIL sounds like a whack-job. Just sayin'. No one is good enough for her baby.
I admire you for being polite as long as you have. I probably would have given her a piece of my mind years ago, and maybe that's what needs to be done - a bit of catharsis. It sounds like you being complacent and diplomatic is giving her far too much power, which she is just using to choke you. Your husband may feel torn between offending his mother or betraying his wife, so he will need support too. It's a difficult position for him to be in, but he married you,and should be your partner in this. Judging by the way you describe her mindset, prepare for another long "silent" period. The other option is hiring a professional mediator, but the first way is cheaper!

She sounds like a control freak. Her complaints are simply that: complaints. Does she honestly expect you to change your entire way of doing things? Does she expect your entire family, including your parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, to change things simply to accommodate HER? Does she expect you to pay more attention to her at sporting events than your own child? Does she expect you to feed them a restaurant quality meal and provide them with playmates every time they visit? TRULY???

Look at that list. How reasonable is any of that? It's not, but you're not going to convince her of that. You're not going to change her if she's spent your entire marriage being critical. It sounds like it's been within the past year that she's been so oddly unreasonable?

I'm very curious about how old she is and how out of character this strange list of demands and complaints is for her. I'm wondering if it's the onset of dementia or some other personality or mood disorder.

I looked at the responses and was glad to see that someone else (Kristen)had the same thought I did, because everyone else seems ready to just assume that MIL is wicked.

Like Kristen, I wondered from your description whether your MIL is mentally ill.

Her behaviors sound a lot like those of my husband's aunt, who (maybe unlike your MIL) was a lovely, thoughtful person for many years but as she got a little older, and especially once she lost her own aged father, began to do the kinds of things you describe: Acting like tiny, normal things (going to a child's event instead of visiting her, for instance) are indicators that you hate her. Saying the way you celebrate something is not the right way, or the way that the person celebrating really wants it. Claiming that someone (in some cases, me) was coming between her and her family. Claiming that people were talking about her behind her back and spreading lies. Making "gigantic lists of accusations that we find strange."

Any of that sound familiar?

Your MIL's issues have gone on much longer, but it does sound as if she might have a mental illness where she feels persecuted or threatened by you and she just has to find fault to justify her feelings. Now, all this does NOT excuse her treatment of you and it does not mean that she will ever be willing to get help or change if she does get help. But one thing that has really helped my husband and me cope with his aunt's irate and irrational actions has been saying to each other, "It's so sad that she is clearly ill." Knowing that has helped us let it slide off us because we can't take it personally. I am not sure if, after 18 years of viewing it as entirely personal, you can reach that stage, but can you try?

If she would respond to your husband's saying "Mom, I love you and I'm worried about you and would like to take you to your doctor for a checkup," that would be great. He should call the doctor in advance and say he's concerned your mom may have mental and emotional issues and he'd like her to be referred for an evaluation. But if she would blow up at that, it might not be an option. It would be kind to try, but only your husband -- not you-- can make that call. He would have to have the guts to deal with her and with her paranoia if she decides "he's out to get me/put me in a home/take my things" etc.

We recently heard that our aunt is seeing a psychiatrist and that was extremely welcome news, and our recent calls with her have been good ones with no sudden veering into strange or accusatory territory with her. I think her own siblings intervened somehow and persuaded her to get help. So it can be done.

You have a choice here. You do NOT have to let people treat you like this. If she cannot behave like a civilized human being, then do not allow her to be a part of your life. Period.

You say your husband let her yell at you for an hour... why did you let her? I am assuming you have 2 feet and you can leave the situation. Get up and leave.

My mother-in-law is similar to yours (maybe not as bad) so I sympathize.On Christmas Day she sent me a message about how I ruined their holiday just like I have ruined every other event they have ever had. So you know what? My husband called her and told her she was out of line and that we would no longer be allowing her to treat us in this manner. I have not seen her since and she has only seen my husband and child 1 time since then.

Take back control of your life.

I would just tell her that she could fix a lot of these things herself and if they really matter, go for it. Personally, it sounds like she enjoys trying to find things to say to you that will get a rise out of you.

When she accuses you of favoring your own parents, tell her of course you do. They are YOUR PARENTS! Just like their son favors them; you favor your parents.

When she talks about your kids favoring your side of the family, point out that if she did things with your kids that they really liked, then they would favor her. Her relationship with your teenaged children is up to her to nurture, not you.

Send her the calendar for games for their sporting events, etc. at the beginning of the season and let her know you and the kids would love them to come to any and all and then don't mention it again. Again, it's her job to keep track of what she wants to attend and what she doesn't. You are not her social secretary.

As for the kids' birthdays, tell her to plan her own celebrations from here on out. That way she can do what she wants you you do what you want. This is now what I do for my grandchildren. I could care less what, if anything, their parents plan. I make my own plan for my own celebration, work it around whatever else they're doing and just go for it. It works out well.

To be honest, after 18 years I don't even know why any of this still bothers you. I would have put her in a place of "tolerate/don't worry about" in my heart long ago.

18 years of dealing with this must be awful! Sorry your MIL is so hard on you.

I'm curious about your husband's reaction to all of this. There is NO WAY I would allow my mother to speak to my partner this way. He needs to intervene and tell her if she doesn't cool it, she can kick rocks. She will always be his mother, but you are his wife. You win.

Did something happen recently? Your post says the blow up happened last fall.