Cesarean Section...I Feel I've Been HAD

Sometimes people read the tone of responses incorrectly, so let me start by saying that I do not mean to be harsh whatsoever in my advice to you.

So, your delivery did not go the way you had planned it to. You did not get to bond with your baby immediately after birth. You did not get to breastfeed your child. But you know what - you have a 4 month old daughter who seems to be healthy! What a wonderful gift!

I can totally understand the issues you have with your delivery and birth but you must realize that they are in the past and there is nothing you can do about it now. What you can address, however, is the time you have now to bond and build a good relationship with your baby. Dwelling on the past and focusing on what you did not have or could not have does nothing to change the here and now. And, here and now you have your precious gift of a child who deserves a happy and healthy mommy in order to develop into the wonderful human being that she is becoming.

I am, by no means, diminishing the difficult time you had around the birth of your child. But you have the power to choose the things in life that you want to focus on - the negative experience with the birth process (the event that lasted a few days) or the potentially positive experience of nurturing your child (the event that will last a lifetime). It really is up to you!

Hi R. Anastasia,
My third child was born emergency c-sect at 26 weeks. He was wisked away seconds after being extracted from me and I did not see him until almost 24 hours later. He was very small, very fragile, and as you can imagine hooked up to what seemed like every machine in the hospital. All my friends and family that were at the hospital that day would go into NICU with my husband to see him and then come to my room to tell me about him. And there I sat, the Mother who just had this preciuos being ripped from her body, and I was the one who couldn't go and see him because I needed to recover. I was very bitter and angry -- UNTIL -- I finally went into the NICU and saw him for the first time. I saw all the wonderful nurses and doctors who were keeping my baby alive. I saw all the love and concern in the friends and family who came to the hospital to see him and I. I guess my point is, you are right, you will never get those first few moments back. But you know what? You have a lifetime to build precious new moments. You have a beautiful, healthy little girl who you can now nurture and comfort in all the ways you want to. If you are thinking of more children, I would definitely recommend asking around for referrals, even interviewing new OB/GYNs. Find a doctor that you are very comfortable with and make sure to ask all the questions you need to ask before your next baby is born. If you were unhappy with the hospital and its procedures, make sure to find a doctor that delivers out of a different hospital. Instead of being angry and upset about the things that didn't quite go your way this time, try and focus that energy into making sure it doesn't happen with your next child. And definitely thank God every day for your precious little baby girl and enjoy being her Mommy!

I am so sorry to hear about your birth experience. You might consider joining the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). Check out their website: www.ican-online.org . Hopefully, you can find a supportive OB or midwife for a VBAC next time, or maybe even have a HBAC (VBAC at home).

Hi R.,

I had 2 cesarians. The first time I was induced and 14 hrs later stopped dilating so we did the c-section. I also had a very hard time bonding with my daughter but I don't think it was the c/s. I think it was PPD. I had such anxiety....
I could barely handle hearing her cry My hubby had to take off work and stay home to care for me and the baby. My incision was infected several times and I could barely walk.

I would contact your Dr about zoloft maybe? I was put on that and stopped it after 4 months. It really helped me balance myself out as my raging hormones slowed down.

Births don't go as we wish often. That has nothing to do with you and your baby. Do you co-sleep? I noticed someone mentioned that.
I did that too cos she felt like a stranger to me but I didn't want her to feel it. I slept her on me in the hospital. A nurse came in threatening to take her in the nursery cos I wasn't sleeping and my hubby jumped up and said, that's what I'm here for, the baby stays with her mother.
She stopped harassing me after that. I know they mean well but they apply too much pressure especially to first time mothers who are clueless and overwhelmed.

Relax, everything doesn't fall into place perfectly so fast... Just tell yourself, it's a process, it takes time, and you are a wonderful mommy who needs to relax. Breastfeeding, when your daughter is 5 or 10 or 15, 21 or 50 won't make a darn difference to HER, all she'll know is she loves her mommy who has loved and nurtured her always, not weather she ate off your breast or a bottle her first year of life. Hold her close to you, let her feel your skin... Use a baby carrier... I use the bjorn and love it ;)

i just wanted to say that i totally understand your feelings, and i think i would have felt the same way. i also wanted natural birth, and if i had to have a c-section, especially unplanned and seemingly unnecessary, i would be so upset about it. natural birth and breastfeeding are so important to me, and i would feel mad at the doctor too. i'm so sorry that your birth was so not what you had wanted.

Hi, I completely understand your feelings. I feel that a lot of people who have posted here may not. It's not something you can just get over and it's somewhat different than postpartum depression. I felt robbed also.

My daughter was born by emergency cesarean after my placenta abrupted. I also didn't get to see her for several hours, about 10 if I recall. She was in the NICU, I was in recovery. Then they wouldn't allow me to nurse her until the next day because of her "lack of oxygen" during birth. Her one minute apgar was a 1, she had to be intubated. The next day I asked if she was ready to be fed, and they said yes, but by the time I got down there a nurse had already given her a bottle. I WAS UPSET! I had looked forward to this for nine months. Well, I was able to breastfeed her and for a very long time, but through no help from the hospital. So it's NOT your fault that you couldn't nurse, I blame the hospital staff for not being more helpful, and the formula companies for the "complimentary gift bag with samples".

It's funny, everyone seems to think that hospitals are for breastfeeding, but how much support do they really provide?

I'm sorry that you didn't get the experience that you wanted. It's normal to feel the way you feel about it. When you said you didn't feel like she was yours, I felt the same way, like she belonged to the NICU nurses or something. SHE is YOURS! I tried to make up for that lost bonding with extra attention and love later on, and I believe that we have no lasting effects from the horrible experience. She's 4 years old now, and a little sweetie!

I gave birth naturally to my second daughter a year ago, who was, by the way, 9 pounds 1 ounce, just like yours. I highly recommend trying for a VBAC if you plan to have any more. It was amazing and it kind of erased my bad feelings from before.

I hope you feel better soon!

Hi, R. I do understand what you are saying. I know I would of tried a vbac and other things to also turn my breech baby around to avoid a c-section. If I would be told of all my options and the risks. This one of the reasons I am a doula. I was actually fired today from WIC for telling a group of pregnant women there options and letting know that a doctor in the area was convicted of felony charges for taking drugs(which is on the state medical boards site). I am very upset that we are not always what is important, instead time, money and politics. I also try to let women know to do research and let them know the pros and cons but then let them decide. It is also awful that some doctors will say o' your baby might be 9lbs you need a c-section. I have know many women with 9lbs and bigger vaginal and with no only the smallest tear! It just should be our decision after we know our true options. I am soo sorry. You are a awesome mom! If you ever to decide to have another know that you can have vbac(long as you have the binki cut) and be a totally different and wonderful experience. Hugs Jo

I don't know exactly what you went through because my first child was born vaginally, but the experience was definitely less than I had hoped for. I would strongly suggest seeking counseling for Postpartum Depression. This can be a big reason why you have not bonded fully with your baby. It's NOT your fault!

Talking is the best way to get through your birthing experience. I did a lot of talking after my daughter's birth. Other people may get bored or even irritated with you bringing it up constantly, but you need to work through all the feelings. I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience. You cannot change it, so try to learn from it. Next time, I would suggest doing some more research. I don't know if you know this or not, but due dates are an estimate, so I'm not really surprised that your baby was premature. I would strongly advize that you avoid another induction unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. If baby's heartrate is good, placenta is still functioning and ther eis enough amniotic fluid, there is no reason to induce. You can refuse any interventions if you are not comfortable with them. And, above all, I would certainly see a different doctor.

I hope you are able to find some others who have had similar experiences so you are able to share and grow. I pray that you are blessed to be able to experience the birth you so wanted. I received this blessing in January. It is very healing.

God bless,
A.

Sounds like you are trying to deal with PPD. You should talk to your doc about how you are feeling. Please do not let one moment in your life stop you from trying to bond with your child. You had 9 months to bond with your baby. Your baby knows who you are and can sense when you are around. She can also sense if you are stressed or upset. These are just a few of the things that she learned while you were caring her for 9 months. So it is not like you never got time to bond with her. She had to be checked out to see if she was okay after birth. If I were you that is what I would of wanted also. Just to make sure she is okay. Breastfeeding is a nice thing but since you were able to pump she still got all the things she needed. Giving birth is easy for some women but for others it is a very hard thing to deal with.

Just talk with your doctor about how you feel. And remember you have the rest of your daughters life to bond and love her. Show her the world. Stop crying over the past about the bonding thing. You have a life time to bond with her. You can always try to have more children in the future. Birthing never goes the way we want there are always something that goes wrong. Even if it is a small thing, like having a BM during a delivery. I never had a BM with my two older ones. Then with my last child I did I wanted to freak out. But you know what it is okay. The doc deals with it on a daily basis. I still love my child and she loves me. Having the love is what matters and a mother builds that love from the day she finds out she will be having a child.

Good luck and keep us posted with how things are going.

My son was born 5 1/2 months ago. I had been induced, but ten hours after induction I was preclampsic and they had to do an emergency C Section. When my son came out, he didn't cry. I was also sure he was stillborn. Then he finally wailed and they let me look at him for 30 seconds before they whisked him away to NICU. I didn't get to hold him until six hours later. By then he had gotten formula in a bottle, even though I wanted to breastfeed. I remember crying and asking to see my baby, but they kept putting me off. That was horrible! Anyway, I did my bonding by breaking all hospital rules and sleeping while holding my son. After we got home, I still slept holding my son. A few months later, I began cosleeping. Now he is very close to me, and I feel such overwhelming love when I just see his picture.

I know how it feels...like you were robbed of something so precious. As for me, I was put back in teh hospital for a week after only being home for three days because they put so much fluid in me that my lungs were drowning. I lost a precious week with my newborn, couldn't breastfeed because of the medicines, and by the time I got home he wanted teh bottle, not the breast. He is healthy, happy, and smart, even though he was mostly a formula baby and ALWAYS a bottle fed boy.

My advice is to not focus on what you were cheated out of, and instead think of the blessings you do have. My neighbor's baby was born three months early and she doesn't get to hold him, better yet breastfeed. You and I are the lucky ones to her. We have kids that were cheated yet we are the ones who get to make it up to them. :) God bless you!

I cannot relate to your story as I have not had a c-section. I can only imagine how you feel.
There is a network that is out there specifically to help woman such as yourself. I highly suggest you get in contact with them and talk through these feelings.

http://www.ican-online.org/

CLick on the section on the left "find a local support group".
I know these women are doing this out of love.

Good luck in finding answers to your feelings.

I would like to think that most doctors do what is right for the patient, but some do what works for them. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was 4.5 cm dialated with 2 wks left to go. My doctor told me she was on call that weekend and if I wanted to go in for a c-section she would schedule it. I said no thanks. The following week she asked me again. I still said no thanks. I had my daughter naturally three days before her actual due date. Doctors get paid more for c-sections than natural births. My doctor was already going to be at the hospital and I feel like she just wanted to get it out of the way so I didn't interupt her schedule. As far as everything else goes, I loved her as my doctor. I just felt she was a bit pushy with the c-section.

As for the hospital staff, they should have been more supportive. The hospital where I had both my kids was very supportive of breast feeding and had no problem working with me.

My son was born six wks early and was rushed to NICU. I couldn't breast feed him for several days because of the tubes, but they had me pump and gave that to him via the feeding tube. I was able to come in every three hours and hold him for 30 minutes. (Which they encouraged) Once he could swallow, I started with a bottle so we knew how much he was getting, then switched to breast feeding. To be honest, all the spectial attention he got from being in NICU, gave us a greater bond than I felt I had with my daughter. Maybe just because I was so afraid of losing him. Just remember that she is yours regardless and love and cherish her. I think you should speak with your doctor about your feelings. Maybe she can give you some insight on why she did it. There may be more she didn't tell you or you don't remember while you where in a "drug induced state". Good luck.

First of I want to respond to Amanda C. While I think most doctors do try to do what is right for the patient sometimes they have to do what works for them too. Your doctor was goign to be on call and sounds like she was trying to make sure she is the one who delivered your baby and not another physician. Most docs don't come in if they aren't on call. They let the OB on call deliver. Secondly, as the wife of a very busy physician with 2 small children I can tell you that people forget or don't care that they have lives too. My husband feels like he is missing out on so much of our kids growing up and more times than one I have heard him say something like no one cares if I am missing my kids growing up. Yes, they get paid alot, but you should see our medical school bills. Ok, off my soap box and on to Anastasia's question. I agree with Mi R. I am sure your doctor did what she felt was right. It was better to get the baby out at 9 lb on her due date. Chances are with a baby that large you would have ended up with a C section anyway. The reason you didn't get to be with your daughter right away was probably because of the premature heart and lungs. I saw my daughter within an hour and actually got to hold my son as soon as my arms weren't numb anymore. i carried him back to my room from the operating room and both were C sections but at different hospitals. A premature heart and lungs can lead to serious complications and I think your doctor was right in getting the baby out. Your feelings I'm afraid stem far more than from your C-section. I think the majority of C section moms don't need counseling but you might want to check with your doctor about your feelings or even ask your OB why she felt it necessary to induce.

You may want to seek couseling for postpartem depression. I had a c-section, but I was able to see my daughter 2 hours after she was delivered. I had to send my husband down to the NICU to get her. They wanted to keep her down there to let me rest. I was adamant that I wanted her in my room ASAP! I can understand how you would feel that you were cheated out of something. I feel that way too. I wanted a natural birth, but I had pre-eclampsia, so I had to have an emergency c-section. It really sounds to me like your dr. didn't inform you fully on what was going to happen. You really need to focus on what a wonderful gift you have, not the things you didn't get to experience. You'll never be able to change the past, so focus on the future. Look at your daughter's beautiful face and be thankful that she is healthy. And seek some counseling. Perhaps the hospital or your OB/GYN can recommend someone to you.

I know what it's like to have what SHOULD be one of the most important days of your life "stolen" from you. With my second child, I ended up with a screwed up epidural. My dura was punctured and I ended up having to have two blood patches in the first week of my sons life. Add to that that I had my gallbladder removed at 20 weeks in my pregnancy, I already had a one year old child at home- I was a mess. I couldn't stand to be awake- I was in so much pain I could hardly see straight.

I went through post-partum depression SO bad because I wasnt sure my son had bonded to me at ALL. I did nurse him, but because I had a one year old daughter already, my body thought I had twins (with two crying babies!) And my breasts were producing so much milk that it was painful. I was literally in pain all over from everything that had happened in that short, short, time. I couldnt even bend over from the blood patches, ugh- it was a mess.

I felt very cheated. My husband, still to this day, talks about suing the hospital. My son bonded more with his father than he did with me because my husband had to pick up so much where I just COULDNT. I now have three children and my baby (2yrs old) is the biggest momma's boy that ever lived, and I think its probably because I over-compensated for the loss I felt at my other son's birth.

My boys are now 4 and 2 and I have learned that maybe its okay for my four year old to be closer to his daddy than to me- because really, thats who he should be looking up to, but sometimes, sometimes when I go back and think about his birth, its just as painful now as it was then.

It's a tough thing to carry a child for nine months, dreaming of ONE day, one moment, and to have it taken away. I dont think theres anything in life that can make up for that one missed moment.

I was induced with my DS 4 days after my due date and ended up having a c-section after 22 hours of labor. They actually put me totally out rather than an epidural. It was the birthing option that I was dreading more than anything. I was disappointed, but I accepted it. However, he was never offered a bottle. The used a tiny cup and kind of dribbled formula into his mouth until I was awake, and I was able to nurse him the first time I saw him when he was only a couple of months old. My sis had a similar experience to you because her DD's blood sugar level was irregular. She couldn't go to the NICU to see her because of the c-section, and they gave her bottles for the first 24 hrs. She tried nursing, and it never worked. It was very hard for her, and, now that she is pregnant again, she has chosen a different dr. and hospital for delivery. It sounds like you have some legitamate issues, but it also sounds like you may be experiencing PPD. I had it after both births. It is a real problem that you should talk to your dr. about. There is no reason to try to push through it without help. You and your DD will be much better off because of it.

Hi R.,
I am very sorry to hear of what you went through. I've read a lot of the responses, and it does sound like you are not alone. I like the advice that suggests wearing your baby skin-to-skin in a baby sling (I love my sling - it's a lifesaver! I got mine from www.babyholder.com) Skin-to-skin contact has incredible benefits, although it doesn't sound like any kind of miracle idea. I really feel for you, but now that you have the huge responsibility of being a mother, you have to find a way to move past these feeling to focus your energy on your daughter. I know it's easier said than done, and I don't mean to belittle your feelings because I understand how deep they can run when you've been robbed of something so precious that can't be replaced, but for your daughter's sake, you've got to gather up your strength to be the best mother you can be for her, and use the knowledge you have now to make sure it never happens again. If you are considering having anymore children, you will know next time what you don't want, and work with a new doctor towards a birth plan you will be happy with. Enjoy and love every minute with your daughter now, or you might get caught in a cycle of 'depression & regret' because you'll be feeling like you've been robbed of her first 3 mos, then her first 6mos, then her first year, because you're trying to deal with the terrible birth experience.

My first birth was a vaginal birth for my 9lb 4oz son. It was textbook. But the next 6 were c-sec. My second and third sons were supposed to be Vbac, but it didn't pan out that way. There are things that I wish were different, but I can't change the past. I can only voice what I want for the future. With each birth, I have alter and improved upon my birth plan, and I am happier each time because there is more that I spoke up about. It has taken a lot of time to gradually change my attitude about medical care. I make sure now that I am in charge, and I call the shots. I know drs make decisions in what they consider to be your best interest, but ultimately, it is your decision and you need to consent to it. They are in your employ, that is why you pay them. Please be sure to express your feelings to your dr, especially if you are going to have any more children, so this doesn't repeat itself. We need to speak up and take charge of what we want from our drs. You said that your dr decided to induce you one day after your due date... she still needed your consent, and needed you to show up at the hospital. I would have gone along with it for my first child too, but not now.

Sorry R., I can't say I felt that way. I've had 3 c-sections and I would do it again. I never felt I was in a drug induced state, they gave me percoset (sp?) which I did fine with, I felt close to all 3 of my kids and I was up and moving right away. You probly couldn't do the breastfeeding thing or see the baby due the lungs I'm assuming because they brought me my kids as soon as they were cleaned up and checked out. I kept the babies in my room w/me during the day and took care of them myself. Your dr. really probly had to induce because the size of the baby, that's a big baby! You really don't want them to come much bigger than that, you could probly have more problems that way especially w/delivery. You dr. I'm sure had good reason to induce.

Sorry if I didn't help but that's just my opinion!

S.

I'm very sorry to hear that your experience was not what you wanted. I too had a C-section, but quickly accepted that I could not change what had already happened & also that maybe it was meant to be... Try not to allow that experience to leave you feeling shorted or like you missed out on something. You have a beautiful, wonderful baby to spend the rest of your days with...just love her & be glad that you're together now. To bond, try "wearing" her. Get a great baby sling & wear her as much as possible...you can also spend some time together skin to skin...just snuggle her close to you & think of all the reasons you love her so much. You are not your labor experience, and neither is that precious little girl!

I have had both my children by c-section. The first one I was induced and had to have an emergency c-section, the second was schedule. My first son had no complications, but my second son had premature lungs and spent 10 days in the NICU. That was very tough on me that I had to leave the hospital without my baby. I am not sure if it was PPD or separation anxiety, but I was an emotional mess until he came home.

When my second son was born he was rushed away to the NICU and admitted about 10 hours later. I was not able to see him or tough him for about 10 hours and the first time I held him he was 1 1/2 days old. I had to pump breast milk for him so they could feed him thru a tub that was down his throat since I could not hold him to nurse until he was 1 week old. I did feel his love when I reached into his crib & touched him or when I held him. It was very tough on me and took a lot for me to be strong for him. I new that he would only be in there a short time, but to leave the hospital every night without him was so hard.

He is like a normal 2 month old baby now and you would never know he was sick. Good luck to you:)