Caught Friend's Husband Cheating... :(

How awful! I wouldn't tell her. You don't need to be the bearer of bad news, and she doesn't need that kind of stress.

As far as the money is concerned, he can have it and live with the guilt. Hopefully, he'll end up marrying a money-grubbing wh*re who ends up taking him to the cleaners.

I wouldn't tell her. It's only money. Let her live her last days in relative peace. Her husband got a big does of what he deserved when you told the other woman he was married. I'd leave him anxious, wondering if you are going to tell his wife.

No, don't tell her. She doesn't deserve to die that way. Ignorance is bliss.

Her happiness is more important than money. Where the life ins. money goes after she dies doesn't matter. What good will revenge do her on her deathbed?

I have a good friend whose husband cheated on her while she went through treatments for breast cancer, and then a few years later lung cancer. She survived and is cancer free today but she told me the pain of learning about his cheating was almost worse than the knowledge that she had cancer. If your friend truly is in her last weeks, I would let her die in peace rather than knock her down with this. I wouldn't want to die unhappy. That would be horrible. Please don't tell her.

Added: Can you even imagine telling her? How would that go? And what would she do? Would she have the energy to confront him, to fight him and to grieve over her marriage at this point in her life?

If you tell her she won't die in peace. She'll spend the last days of her life tormented. Angry. Unable to forgive him, unable to think clearly.... already clouded by what else is going on.

I was cheated on. It has taken me over a year to process, decompress, not think about it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Not cry. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Don't do that to your friend.

It's possible that on some level she knows. It's possible she looked the other way and didn't follow up on that little itty bitty voice in the back of her head because she found out she was dying. It's possible she would be devastated to HAVE to face it and to be embarrassed that her friend knows.

If he doesn't get the money.... where will it go? If they have no children, it may go to the state.

I would have a conversation with HIM. Clear the air with HIM. Be angry with HIM for what he did to your friend. Reconcile your feelings with HIM. not with her.

Just my $0.02

Money or no money, if I had 21 days left and I had to spend it crying because the one person in my life that was supposed to love and support me didn't love me enough to at least pretend to wait until I was gone, I would be the most mad at YOU!!! How dare YOU take that comfort and security away from me 3 weeks before I die! There are no kids involved? Stay out of it, money or not.

Usually I'm a big tell the woman, but if she is truly dying then I'd say speak to a friend or someone else, but don't tell her. She deserves to die in peace. My ex had an affair with my friend and it broke my heart. If I had been dying at the time I would not have wanted to know about it. I would have preferred the ignorance is bliss and passed away in peace. I know I'm playing devil's advocate, but despite he's a cheating prick, he may still love her. He may still wish her to pass away knowing that he loves her. I'm not for a second excusing his horrible behavior, but my ex and I had a lot of hurt but I think deep down there was some love. I don't doubt that he would be there for me if I was dying of cancer. I just think she needs to pass away surrounded with love and not dealing with the betrayal of him. I like what another poster said that it's only money. I mean I think her peace and happiness in her last few weeks is worth more. Best of luck... this is a hard one!!!

My god, let her die in peace. If I only had a few weeks to live I would hate you for ruining that. Really is any amount of money worth it? You would want her to spend her last days changing wills, kicking him out, are you even planning on being there day and night for her until she passes?

Sorry I just can't believe you would even consider telling her.

Hi J.,

I agree with Dawn that her parents should be told. They can handle the money issues or can do things discreetly by confronting the you know what! Her husband might be willing to take a "settlement" if he know he might lose it all...

I appreciate you going to the table and asking about his wife! No woman wants to be with a cheater and I'm sure this woman is rethinking many many things!

God bless you!
M.

Don't complicate her short life any more than it already is. I wouldn't tell her. It isn't worth it to mar her last few weeks with this news. Once she is gone, it won't effect her anymore. Let her live in peace, let her die in peace. I probably wouldn't want to know at that point in my life. So, she would take her money away from him. So what? It's just money. Let him choke on it. But, if she truly only has a short time left, why have her grieve the loss of her marriage and all that she thought was good and true and right during these last few days? Let her be happy. You will not gain anything by telling her, other than bringing heartache upon heartache. So sad.

I personally wouldn't tell her.

Should she have to deal with her mortality PLUS the fact her husband isn't being faithful?
That would just be too much, in my opinion.

For one thing, your friend might not be as naive as you think she is.
He's a cad, for sure, but even if she knew....what is she going to do? Go through the drama and trauma of throwing him out in her final days?
Do YOU want to be the one who makes sure she knows what he's doing?

If he's been cheating since before she got sick, maybe a little thing called karma will come back on him. By that I mean, in the form of guilt.
However, I think your friend should be allowed to be oblivious. It may well be she's chosen to be so knowing that she won't be here much longer and what he does after she's gone is what he's going to do.

I think he's a jerk, but would she rest more in peace knowing that if you told her?
I just don't think so.

Just my opinion.

IF it's really true.... yes he is an A$$

I'd stay out of it.

You do not know the entire truth, you do not know about any arrangement your friend may have with her hubby as she is dying.

All you know is what you believe you saw plus hearsay. You don't know why the woman talked to you.... you made your stance when you said something in the midst of their dinner. It took a lot of nerve to go to them and say something like you did, not knowing the truth. The woman may have fed you full of bull to make you think something different and stire things up (or down).

You don't know the motives of the 2 people you saw or the entire true story........ so why would you destroy your friends last few weeks of life.

Leave it alone. You made a mistake by going over to his table in the first place. He is wrong, but under the circumstances, don't you want your friend to die in peace.

Her husband will have to live with his guilt, which existed long before you confronted him and the other woman.

What does YOUR husband say or think?

Blessings......

I have to vote for not telling her. It would hurt her too bad in her most sensitive moments. So what about the money.

[type bad thoughts...deleting them] I don't want to wish bad on him, but man is he a jerk. At least you jacked up his night!

Wow.......

I have no idea what is right, but my first instinct was NOT to tell her. I wouldn't want to add to her misery.

I wonder if she knows. Not that he's told her, but I wonder.

I wouldn't tell her. It serves no purpose except to punish them both.

Have you thought about telling a family member of hers.....I be darn if I'd ever let him get away with it. I had a cousin that was dying...but she knew her husband was cheating....the woman had been her friend too...and truly her husband took extremely good care of my cousin. She only asked that he wait at least a year before marrying her...they had prediscussed this subject. Well he only waited 3 months...and while moving personal belongings to Florida to their new home....they got into an accident and the new wife died instantly.

Don't tell her. Let her die in peace. If it were me, with only weeks to live, I would NOT want to know.

I mean really, I think you've done your part and now you need to back off. You saw the guy out with another woman, you let him know that you saw. Who knows, he may confess soon b/c he is scared now, knowing that you and your husband know. I would not get involved any further at this point.

Be there for her. Support her. But don't cause additional drama and get in the middle of her marriage in her last days.

WOW that is a very tough situation. BUT if i were in your shoes i would tell her you found out. yes it would suck to find out that your husband is cheating at any point in life. Think of it this way. he talked her out of donating that money bc he knows she wobnt be here much longer and he can spendit on his new woman he has been seeing. when SHE really wanted to donate it to a wonderful cause. She would feel better donating it to something that meant alot to her than she would it go to her husband that cares nothing for her. SHE haas the right to know. IT may suck and hurt BUT atleast it can be benificial!!!!

What a piece of sh!t! I am so sorry for your friend. I do think she needs to know, but what a terrible time to tell her. Ugh. You know her best, it sounds like she would want to know. Maybe you can find a way to have her husband tell her? That way you dont have to be pulled into the mess that he caused.

Edited: This is so hard. After reading others, maybe they are right. She deserves to die in peace. She doesnt deserve what the scum is doing to her. I like the idea of taking it up with him. Make HIM uncomfortable. Make HIM squirm. I am going to say some prayers for her.

The only things you have to ask yourself is if she dies today or tomorrow will you be able to deal with the fact that you didn't tell her. Forget about what he benefits in her death because in the end he will get everything he deserves.

me personally i never get in between relationships and i would never tell a person about a spouse cheating on them because sometimes doing the right thing can backfire. But if it comes out that she knows about you knowing and not saying anything about it, it could ruin the friendship you cherish before her last moments.

At the end of the day it's what you think is best for her because she is very fragile right now, and she is going through enough than to think about him cheating on her while she's fighting this loosing battle you be strong i will keep both of yall in my prayers.

I really don't think it is your place to tell her at this point. If I was in the same position, I would talk to the husband and ask him to explain the situation. I would,also, talk to someone very close to your friend like her mom or sister and explain your dilemma. They would know her wishes better than anyone.

I wouldn't tell her. It may be too late to change her will without him contesting it anyway. (deathbed revisions.... not sure if she fits this case but might). Her last few weeks on this earth shouldn't be filled with anger, worry and the headache of changing her will. If she brings it up as far as donating to research, that is one thing, but for her to have to go through this is heartbreaking. What a Jerk! It does make you wish he couldn't benefit though! Her comfort is more important at this point though.

If I were her... I think I would want to know.

She will lose her husband, but gain an honest, loving friend. I'm sure she will appreciate you for it. Just be willing to support her thoroughly, but I am sure you already are :)

I don't want to be in your shoes. I have no advice for you...but please update and tell us what your leaning towards....this is awful awful awful.
I will pray so much for you to make the right choice.

I absolutely would tell her. It infuriates me that she was thinking of donating to BC research and HE talked her out of it! If he truly loved her, he would want her to spend her money as she wishes, particularly on research of the disease that will take her life. He's a selfish Bas----!
You said she's the type that thinks cheating is unforgivable; if so, she wouldn't want her money to go to him. I know I wouldn't if I were in her situation. You answered your own question by saying that she would be upset with you if she found out you knew and didn't tell her. You're being a very good friend by trying to look at each scenario, but I think you know in your heart what you need to do.
If you do tell her, she's obviously going to be upset, but NOT at you! Besides, if she's spiritual at all and if God exists, then she will find out after her passing anyway and would be happy you had told her. Best of luck to both you and her!

I wouldn't tell her. Let her pass in peace.

You know how she feels about cheating, you are her friend. I know if it were me I would want to know my husband was cheating. She has the right to make informed decisions. She may be feeling guilty about her marriage, their sex life, leaving him alone ect and that's why he was able to convince her to not donate to BC research. If she knew he had already broken his vows to her, she may want to re-think her will and life insurance beneficiaries. I would tell her.

Again she has the right to make informed decisions.

urgh what a place to be in.

I would tell him to fess up. NOT YOU. Not your job or place. It is HIS place to fess up.

I would STRONGLY urge her to ENSURE her wishes for the donation are WRITTEN and so stated. So that he can't get his grubby little hands on it....

Yes, I would want my friend to die happy and believing her husband is loving and faithful - however - since there is a considerable sum of money involved? I would tell him that YOU will not tell her. Tell him that HE WILL tell her (in front of you) to make sure she WRITES IT and gets it notarized, that the donation WILL go through as SHE wanted. And you will keep your mouth shut about his dalliances...bad, I know. But what a way to handle it. Your friend dies happy and knowing that a considerable sum of money will go towards breast cancer research and the cheating thug won't get a ton of money!! Everyone wins!!

These days I would be afraid to say anything especially when there is money involved. If he knows you're the reason he's not getting her money who knows what he might do. Money does scary things to people. I wouldn't tell her. If they were close at all she probably already knows.

This is a hard one, but I think I would tell her, so she can donate her money rather than letting the cheating basterd have it.

It's hard to say.
I'm on the fence.
One thing I know for sure.... no deed goes unpunished.
He will get his in the end and you will not have to do anything.
Life ALWAYS works out that way.
So if you don't say anything, know one thing: life takes care of things on their own.
I wish your friend the best.
Peace to her (and to you).

Would anything positive come from telling her? Personally I would rather not know.

Updated

Would anything positive come from telling her? Personally I would rather not know.

I don't think it's right that she be left out of this information, just because she is dying. I know I would be mad as hell if someone kept me out of the dark , just so I was comfortable and believing that everything was right with my world. It's decieving. Plus the fact that her husband talked her out of giving a large sum of her money( mind you) to Breast Cancer research, is just ridiculous. It's her right to do with it however she chooses.

If it were my best friend, I would tell her( especially if the husband doesn't first. I think I would tell him to tell her or I would) I would also stay with her, and ,make sure that she lives her life, however long she has, in peace, love, and laughter. Not with someone who is pretending that nothing ever happened.

I know some might think it's best to not tell her, so she dies happy. It isn't an easy decision. It's probably easier for us to tell you what we think, and what we would do, then for you to actually be in this situation and have to think and process, and decide.

I would confront the husband about your dilemma, and see what he has to say for himself. The fact that you are thinking of telling her, alone, should make him think about his actions, and how they have affected not only her, but you ,and this other women. The very least he should donate a large sum to whatever organization your friend wanted. In her name.

Wow. What a tough situation. Do they have kids? If so, I would say leave it alone. If not, I'd tell her. I'd want to know, even if I was close to dying because I would cut him off completely.

If he had started this relationship recently I would think that maybe your friend pushed him towards finding someone. Since it started prior to her being diagnosed, is it possible that they have an open relationship? I think I would talk to the husband to get a better feel on this...then, like one of the other posters suggested have a casual conversation w/ your friend before you decide to tell her one way or the other. I would definately tell the attorney.

tell her-let her make the changes she may want to make-and then, God rest her soul, she can die in peace

Yikes! This one is hard. I instantly thought of two scenarios.

What do her parents think? Let them be a part of the decision.

My second thought would be to figure out a way to find out what she would want in this situation. Maybe not clue her in but have a "cheating" conversation with her. Maybe tell her that you and your husband had a discussion about cheating and he wouldn't want to know or something like that, then when she puts in her two cents, ask her if this were true if she was healthy too? E.G. If she says she would want to know, ask her if she would want to know even in her current condition. I am thinking it could be an innocent conversation and then you can find out from her directly what she would want.

Hope this helps.

She is the woman that you said never wants to be left in the dark, well I understand she is sick, but that doesn't change who she is and I think she needs to know before that trash she's married to becomes expensive trash. The just of this is she has the right to know and I can say she will probably be pretty upset if she finds out you know and haven't told her....Please tell her and let her change her finances to a good cause. Good luck and I will pray for you.

Personally if I was the dying woman I would want to know. Let the Bas%%%. grovel. What a jerk. She's not even dead and he's talking marriage. What a creep.

Yes she should know especially if she didn't want to be left in the dark. I would be more devestated that my friends knew and caught my DH and didn't say a word to me..If she chooses to change her estate planning etc while she's of sound mind let her if not either way it will be her choice. But...it is her choice and she should know.

if you tell her its to clear your consicence and ot to help her, and yea it sticks he'll get the money but o money in the world is worth her being upset and sad the last days of her life, if anything call her attorney

I have no idea what I would do. What an awful dilemma. Is it a kindness to tell her, or a kindness to not tell her? I don't know if I would want to know if I were in her position. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but if you pray, now would be a good time.

tough one. I lean slightly on not telling her. leave the money out of your decision making.

Tell her. EVERYONE deserves the truth.

As hard as it may seem I would probably tell her. If I was your friend I would expect you to tell me. I would want to make changes in my trust. But you are right it should come from him. Give him a chance to tell her if he doesn't you should & explain to her that you have him time to tell her. That would show if he has a heart to tell her or just brush it off & not care. It will make a difference if you do need to tell her.

Wow, that is a huge dilemma - I am so sorry you need to make such a crazy decision. I guess I would put yourself in her shoes...would YOU want to know. I most definitely would want to know, but, I am a different person...so, given what you know about her, I would try to assess that. Good luck, I'll be praying for you!!

Tell her. You will never get it off your conscious if you don't....

The truth shall set you free.

This is so, so hard. If she were healthy I would say tell her right away. If the trust fund wasn't involved I would say don't tell her. So, I am going to look at this from my *own* point of view if I were just weeks away from dying, and had a trust fund that was going to pass to my husband.

As much as it would hurt, I would want to know. Now, I know some people will say that feeling that way is easy for me because I am not in her shoes. I *was* in her shoes except for the dying in a few weeks, and I had 2 kids. A friend finally told me after giving my husband a year to tell me. Everyone else knew, and I knew nothing about it. The money in that trust fund came from someone who loved her very much, and that loved one I am sure worked very hard for it. There is no way on earth I would want that money to go to a husband that was cheating on me no matter how much it hurt me.

I didn't have a chance to read other responses. Wow- you have a very hard decision to make. I don't know your friend but I would want to know. If he has cheated in the past and she knew about it don't say anything. If she is not aware of any cheating then I would seriously consider telling her but be very prepared to start caring for her if she no longer can stand her spouse.

If I were the friend, I wouldn't want to know. She is already suffering, and it would make her suffer more near the end. If I were the friend and didn't have cancer, I would want to know. Let it go, and let her die happy. ; )

looks like everyone is 50/50 on this. Yeah, there is the money thing that he doesn't deserve, but, it's just money. Your friend is dying and I'm sure there is nothing comfortable with cancer, so why make the last weeks of her life even more uncomfortable and miserable. And honestly, the heartbreak of all this may just cause her health to go downhill even faster. Yeah, she deserves the truth, but where she is at right now, what is the gain in it for her? Let her die happy and comfortable. THAT is what she deserves. What you did at the restaurant was right, but I think now is the time to just step back, be there for your friend and just keep your mouth shut. I would suggest that her husband also just keep his mouth shut as well for your friends sake. This is the way I would want it if it were me.

That is a really hard decision. I think it really depends on her personality. Obviously some people wouldn't want to know and some people would. It's hard to say how anyone would really respond to that. Maybe there was a reason you ended up running into her husband, of all random moments! That's a tough decision. I'd say do what you feel you would regret the least. Remember you're not the one at fault here. He is. So if you chose to be the messenger, she couldn't possibly be mad at you for telling the truth, as long as you can prove it is true (so she doesn't think you made it up). And Pray about it too of course once you make the decision, ask if it's the right one!

Typically I say stay out of it and if you HAVE to say something then tell him he has 48hrs or you tell her ... I think you have to make sure she finds out one way or another but I would start by confronting him.

If there are children involved I probably wouldn't say anything. No kids then I would really have to think about it. I'm kind of thinking I wouldn't say anything because I'd want my friend to be as happy as possible in her final days.

This is such a horrible predicament. I would probably not tell her. Although many women say they would definitely want to know, every time I have ever seen someone tell a woman their husband was cheating, it caused the wife to hate the friend who told. She's dying. Let her be happy despite the fact her husband is a complete jerk. Even though he was cheating before her diagnosis, is there a possiblity she already knows? That she gave him permission since she's not going to be around? Stranger things have happend. I also really like the idea of going to her family and getting their perspective. Maybe the way the trust fund is written, they can change some things, or can encourage her to give the money to research after all.

wow such a dilemna! I wouldn't know what to do either. It all depends on your friend - do you think she would like to know at this point in her life? Money may not be as important to her right now, she might still be ok giving it to him , who knows? She is dying , so she might feel happy that her husband will still have somebody else after she goes. She will sure be sad and upset but might deal with very differently (than what she would if she weren't terminally ill) now. Maybe she would think that it would be better if she hadn't found out about it. Who knows what will go on in her mind in the last few days of her life. That's a terrible place to be :(

On the other hand, she might get very upset that her husband cheated on her and even though she is dying , she might feel she shouldn't forgive him at any cost and maybe donate all her money. But then she will die alone , without her husband by her side.

Does she love her husband her lot? Does he mean the world to her? Is she an emotional person ? If so, I would just let her live her last few days happily without making things even more difficult for her. If her husband tells her , it would be his choice. But as a friend I wouldn't butt in at this time. Unless the husband is a complete a*****le and she would be better off knowing about his affair and that he is with her just for her money. If not, let it go.

If hse finds out and gets upset with you , let her know it was a very difficult decision for you and you didn't know what to do. Maybe show her this post. She will see how upset you are and also how confused on what you should do next.

After i and my lover spent about 4 years together, my boyfriend told me that we can not be together. and already We were making ready ourselves to get married this year and I was very happy and absolutely ready to marry him. this breakup started when he went a little far from the city where I live, a year before. He found a good job out there. And he promised me to come back in one or two years. In the mean time, I found a job around his place (we take it as a good opportunity for us to start living together) but the company I worked for resist to leave me since i am a responsible person in the company. They offered me a very nice salary increment with huge responsibility of work. Then I told to my boyfriend I preferred to stay where I live and work, since, he has not a plan to live there forever. He was very upset at the moment and ignored me totally. I tried to contact him but I can’t. Following so much effort he sends me a message saying “our relationship is over”. I never expected such a thing to happen, so I got sick. Even after so much begging he allow me to see him, but told me the same thing that it is over. I asked him the real reason. He said, you never listened to me, you never gave me credit, and you disrespected me…..and so on. I never noticed such a thing in our relationship before, so I got shocked and couldn’t say a word in front of him. For me our relationship was perfect. And I really love him. I want to be with him. I send so many letters saying I’m sorry, I tried to contact him but there is no reply. i did everything to attract him and live with him forever but nothing was going through. so I needed a help on how to get my lover back. I had the feelling that he still loves me, though he did not say a word. I needed help seriously. i thought it will never possible to get him back and be the happy couple again? so when i read testimonies about ____@____.com i contacted him and he told me that my case is a simple one to solve, so after his consultation and casting of his spell my boyfriend emailed me telling me he was sorry for all that he did to me, that he is ready to marry me now, i was shocked, i never believed that prophetharry could make such thing to happen with his spell, today i am getting married to my boyfriend, and i will never forget this spell caster i will always talk about him anywhere i go
A. hocombe

I say, don't tell her but talk her back into donating a large portion to her charity of choice. Get her hubby to back you up on this (you've got the clout now that you know about his scumminess!!) That way she gets what she originally wanted for her money, and gets to spend her last few days/weeks blissfully ignorant that her husband is a louse. He has a lot to make up for and you definitely did the right thing asking about his wife. The other woman totally deserved to know.

Make yourself available to her for companionship. She deserves to spend time who someone who cares. What on earth has she been doing at home while he is out on dates? Throwing up from chemo? Is she at the point that she needs people to assist her with food and the like? Do you think this guy will honor her by helping out in her closing weeks, in a sincere fashion?

Is there a way, if you know the doc's name, to send a letter to her so someone knows? Not that the doc would tell her, (nor is he allowed to respond to you to your letter), but your friend is, after all, being exposed to diseases. Her immunity system wouldn't be able to tolerate it.

I keep looking at my answers and not liking any of the choices. I wish the best.

What a CAD!
I have a different "take" on this.... First, I don't think it would be in best interest for the wife who is dying to learn about this from you and possibly she might already know.

HE deserves the worst, that might be losing the girlfriend and if you think the girlfriend truly did not know that he was married, what a lie he has been feeding her. Maybe SHE is the one who needs to know, so she doesn't get married to such a jerk, he is obviously living a double life.

Sorry for your dilemma, how pathetic. I wish I had been "saved" from a liar and a cheat, if only someone would have "clued me in". At least he got his dues in time.