Caring for the Elderly

keep doing what you are doing. my great grandmother was like that and we took her "advice" and kind of backed off and then she was lonely,missed us, and won't let any outside help(in homecare nurses or doctors) care for her. so keep doing what you are doing. deep down she appreciates it.

It's really hard caring for elderly family members, but it's got it's rewards too.

I have taken care of relatives in my home and at theirs and I also work at a skilled nursing and rehab hospital for the elderly and people who can't care for themselves.
It's really hard when people get older and they realize they can't do all the things they used to be able to do. If they have all their mental faculties, that awareness does set in and often they can become depressed and dispondent. They're just like anyone else and they DO have their days when they just want to be left alone. It's not meant to offend anyone and it certainly doesn't mean they can be without help.
You're mom isn't shunning you. She just doesn't want to give up her last bit of independence.
I have a little aunt that's going through the same thing right now. She is going to be 84 and fell and broke her pelvis. She spent time in the hospital and is now in a nursing/rehab home, but she wants to go back to her OWN home. When my uncle died, and he'd been sick a long time, I hired someone to go in and do her cleaning and laundry and just be there to make sure she didn't fall in the shower, take her grocery shopping, things like that....
She ran her off. She wanted to do everything for herself and thought someone else would need the lady far worse than she did.
Well, we see how that worked out. I told her the other day, not to upset her, but after breaking her pelvis, it makes her sound kinda crazy when she goes on about not needing any help. Her mind is still there, but let's face it, her body isn't what it used to be and there is nothing wrong with having someone stay with her. She has an extra bedroom.
A. It's a job for someone
B. It's for safety. If she gets up in the night to go to the bathroom and falls again, she needs someone there to at least call out to.
It's either that, or she stays in a home with other people in her same boat.
She talks about coming to live with me, but in the next breath she doesn't want to do that either because she wants me to have my own life.
My father in law, God bless him...he was physically healthy as a horse into his 80's, but his mind was gone. There were days he'd say he didn't want his pills or he'd get mixed up and want to build a fire when it was 100 degrees outside, but as far as where he was or who stayed with him....none of that even registered. He went anywhere and everywhere and as long as he was fed and had the TV remote, he was happy.

Try contacting Senior Services resources in your area. Where I live, they have all kinds of neat things for seniors to do. They can have lunch together, they have bingo and outings...they even take them to the casinos if they want to go. They have a little shuttle.
Look into it.
That way, even if your mom has to "give up" some independence to stay with you, she can still have her own social outings and that way she won't feel like a burden.
Talk to her doctor and make sure that she doesn't show signs of depression or withdrawl.
Look for local resources.

I really applaud you for being willing to take care of your mom.
Where I work, I see people who don't have family or visitors and your mom is really lucky. She's just not seeing it that way now.
Just like with my aunt....it comes down to choices. One is stay with family. Two is have someone provide in-home care. Three is live at an assisted living facility.
Sometimes being alone and taking care of yourself just isn't an option anymore. That's a hard thing to accept.

Best wishes! I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Kudos to your family for pitching in to take care of her! I'm sending you big hugs!

If you are seeking advice here, then I bet your other family members are close to their breaking points too. Maybe your family should get together to discuss nursing care. If she feels that she's being a burden, she might feel better in assisted living.

Does your mom have life insurance? Get a look at it, call the insurance company and ask about confined care benefits - my great aunt was in a care home for almost 6 months before my cousin was going through her papers and realized she had benefits through her life insurance that paid $2k a month for rest home care! They called immediately and the insurance company came through.

We are full time care givers to my MIL who lives with us and 1st I want to applaud yuo and your family for what you are doing, many poeple dont understand the sacrafice that is given to do this. 2nd I woudl suggest (if she has medicare) seeing if she would be willing to have osmeone come in and help out. Medicare will cover a portion of in home care and a lot of companies will help you with paperwork to get the most out of it. I can understand her feelings since it is so hard for many poeple to be dependant on others. Backing off just a little might help, its a hard situtaion because I know you just have her best interest in mind. Some poeple just take to care harder than others. Maybe sit down woth her and see how much she is comfortable with and a schedule that might make her feel less needy, also comming up with things she can do to help her feel more independant might help. I am sorry it is such a struggle for oyu and again applaud you and your family for all chipping in, I wish we had the support you have with you. Hang in there and try to have faith she will come around and be happy knowing you are doing your best. ((HUGS))

My mom is like yours. I ended up placing her in an assisted living facility last year and it is working out beautifully. She has 24/7 care and people her own age to chat with. The staff gives her meds twice a day and they help her shower twice a week. They have a doctor that visits and a beautician also. Activities are daily too, so she's not bored. My mom does not require skilled nursing care like in a nursing home, so assisted living is the best choice for now. It is private pay, but the place that she is at is reasonable around $1400/month. I ended up renting out her home and getting her some financial assistance available for seniors.

If you are interested in finding a suitable place for mom, you can check out this website: www.aplaceformom.com. These people are great and it's free. They can help assess her needs and it will be a huge relief for all of you.

Good luck,

M

I can relate. About three years ago after a difibulator implant, my Mom's health seriously declined. I took off to take care of her. A year later she was hospitalized for 5 weeks. Fortunately she started to recover from that point but her health will not be the same. The difference in our situation is that I live with her and my brother (who is mentally handicapped) to take care of them both and the household. After many years of being a professional in the printing and IT industries, I am a professional caregiver for the family. I do the cooking, cleaning, shopping and manage the bills.
From experience I can say that your Mom is feeling a loss of dominion in her life and trying to cope with where she is at in conjunction with your family's care. If you all argue when it is time for her to leave HER home then that is a problem because the negative emotions cannot outweigh what it is you do for her. If she is feeling guilty about being an imposition on her family, that will be breaking her heart.
At the onset of all of this with my Mom, my cousin had a conversation with me explaining the difference between being in control and being in charge. I really had to do some work the first few months in order to ask her what she needed and let it be her choice. If I offered to cook meals, the meals had to be served on her time schedule. This was the only control she had and I was in charge. Mom still doesn't take her medication as directed because she has her own schedule that she feels comfortable with. I am in charge of procuring the medication and making sure it is organized and available. She has control of when she takes it. Mom opens her own mail and then I organize the bills and correspondence. I prepare her checks and give a summary of her investments each month. I always ask her intent so she is in control of her choices and I am in charge of executing those choices.
Bottom line is that Mom has her dignity in the matters that she can still control and I am in charge of keeping her safe. Once she saw my intent she became comfortable with the changes and we discuss all of that. My Mom wouldn't use or charge or take her cell phone when she left the house. After years of this (I pay for the phone) she said she wanted to choose her own phone. I took her to the store, she chose her phone and now will carry it with her.
I know your whole family loves Mom and wants her to have the best life. Your sister needs a break on the weekends so your family needs to work this out better with Mom's input. If she doesn't want to leave the house, offer prepared meals, rotate stopping in for a visit, trade this off for wearing the monitor at her choice. The only reason that she says she is a burden is that is the emotional energy that she gets from her family.
I understand the frustration. I also know that at this juncture no one wants any regrets over what is happening to Mom. Please don't expect her to be grateful over your care. She is your Mom and we as children have a certain obligation to care for our parents as it is in all societies except in America. Things have to be negotiated and the children will not always win. My Mom drives her car but must take her meds prior to and carry her cell. Basically over time things are safe enough for her and the things I can't control are in God's hands.
My prayers are with you!

Perhaps it bothers her to be shuffled around..... Is there any way that she could continually stay with ONE family??? She probably just feels like she is losing all control over her life.

Good luck!