Cant Be the Only One

Not sure if you are looking for suggestions, understanding comments or just need to vent but I figured I'd respond!

First and foremost, he is getting away with the way he does things because you are allowing him to do it. I get that he's upset/depressed/stress/etc. But how does he think you feel now that all the burden is on you?

Communication is KEY in a relationship/marriage (in my opinion) so you have to be able to talk with him. If you can't get him to sit down face to face with you, write or type him a letter explaining how you are feeling. Ask him directly to help more (be specific). He probably just lets the things keep until you get home because he knows you will take care of them. Ask him specifically to start dinner, check to see what homework the kids have, run the vacuum, etc. Tell him how much it will help you out (and praise him when he does - I know I like it when my husband makes a big deal about how nice the living room/kitchen looks).

It sounds like taking the long way home is a good thing for you. You need your down time too. Ensure you are getting it at night. Take a bath at the kids bedtime and leave them to him to put to bed. Go out with the girls (or family) 1x a month and let him deal with everything.

I don't know the exact ages of your kids, but hold them accountable as well. Make sure they are putting their shoes/jackets away as soon as they get home. Have them help load/unload the dishwasher and set the table. Make them reesponsible for getting all their papers/homework out each night so you can see it when you get home (or dad can review it before you get home).

Good luck!

R., please know that you are not alone. I cannot relate to your situation but I do know many women who are. I have a Mom friend that leaves for work earlier then she needs to and stays later and “makes up” work that has to be done, just so she can get out of the house. She describes her husband as “fat and lazy”. He literally does nothing to help out. Once she gets home, he goes right upstairs to their bedroom and closes the door. She says the only time he comes out is to get dinner and a beer. Basically when she gets home from work, she does everything.

I know you must feel that each day just turns into the next like a revolving door. Many of us do on different levels.

Your children will someday look back at their childhood and praise how much their Mom did. They will say you worked SO hard to make their lives better. Your children need you.

Your husband is not a sit down type so maybe you need to get clever and communicate on his level. You know him best. Maybe over the weekend you can walk by him and take a deep breathe and say “Boy I am so tired. I feel like I never get a break anymore. Do you feel like that sometimes? How about we work as a team to help each other out?”

Talk about very nonchalantly what each of you needs.

Don’t let this go on for too long for your sake, and your children’s sake =-)

Sending you many hugs!

Yep. I'd bet it's very common. Lots of people then start stopping at a bar...or the mall....whatever makes them forget better.

Have you ever considered leaving him a list? Maybe it would help him feel productive to "check off" some items?

I haven't been there, but have a good friend who was. She described it as overwhelming b/c she was expected to essentially be a single parent who was also in charge of maintaining a grown spouse.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, you can't force him to. You can, however, talk to someone else- a friend, a therapist, a religious leader. His depression is impacting you. If you start to change your mindset you may be better equipped to weather this storm.

We are facing a similar situation in the spring. My husband's contract may not be renewed with his current company. He's 99% certain that the new company will hire him at is current salary, but the stress of not knowing and not being to move forward (or backward) with any plans is really tough.

Good luck and know that you are not alone.

Yes. I was a single mom (and you're pretty much a single mom by default right now!) and my daughter hit the teen years and I starting spending a lot of time staying in my car in the garage with a sinking stomach, taking deep breaths, preparing myself to go in. So I think you're perfectly normal. Now that my daughter is grown I look back and think, I could have/should have put a smile on my face and just gone in light and happy... but you know, time and rear view glasses, things look different than when you are going through it. Instead of picturing what happens if you just keep driving, picture that it's 5 years from now or 10 years from now and see if that helps. Sorry you are going through this - many hugs for you!

yes, when the kids were very little and everything was overwhelming. I think I was getting depressed myself, and I wouldn't be surprised if your situation is making you somewhat depressed as well. My husband consulted and was out of work at times, and he is the most optimistic person I know and even he would have down days. While it is great to hold out for a full time job, at some point it might help your financial and his emotional situation to go for a part time job. There are temp agencies in every field, and companies are more likely to hire a temp and then convert to full time I think (no data, just an opinion based on where I work and my own temp to employee conversion - I even work part time 8:20 to 2). I think you also can request that while he is home all day, and while the job-search is a big job, there could be a few things he can get done, like grocery shopping at odd hours, prepping dinner, helping kids with homework, playing with the kids outside when they first get home, taking them to the playground or library, etc. You can present it that the more he does, the better he will feel. Also try to refrain from asking him about the job search. My husband and I made a deal that he would update me every Friday night since otherwise there would be this tense silence while I was thinking about how to ask if anything came up and he had nothing really to say and was trying to avoid it. Tough situation, especially if he refuses to talk to you. We set up the Friday Night wife&hubby Corporation weekly status meeting, and I tried to bring in mostly little anecdotes from work. Also, make sure he goes out at least once a week to meet with friends, even for fun only, since you never know what might come up. You cannot call a friend and ask about a job directly if you haven't talked to them for a year. Good luck, it is not easy. If all else fails, seek professional help.

My husband lost his job in June and has stayed home with the kids since. It works out great for me because I save money on daycare and he cleans the house. Not so great for him. He's depressed and feels less of a man. I guess he was ok with it at 1st, but now He's obsessed with tv. Like 15 hours a day of tv. I've noticed lately, he barely cleans the house. Sometimes it's just a quick - throw the dishes in the dishwasher before mom gets home. I never say anything, but I just watch it to see his mind state. He's not getting off the couch. That tells me he is really depressed. I try to build him up and try to get everybody out of the house as much as possible. When I walk in the door the kids are ALL over me! They want all my attention and are both talking 100 miles an hour and asking for a drink and a snack and come see what I made. I've got to give them a little attention, but he is also there talking to me and needing my attnetion. Somehow I've got to peel everyone off me so I can take my work clothes off and set my bag down. NO, I never think about not going home, but I do stop at the grocery store after work a couple times a week to buy time! What I've found that works for us is goiong to the gym. I let him know, hey when I get home, have the kids ready and we can go straight to the gym. That helps everybody. I get to decompress on the treadmill. He gets to work out his frustration on the weight machines and the kids get to socialize withouther littles. It's family time, but not so in my face family time! Maybe you could give that a try.

What you are feeling is very normal. However, your kids need you so much, so you need to push those thoughts right out of your mind.

If you don't want to stay married, that is an entirely different issue, but don't ever think of "abandoming" your kids when you are upset with your husband.

When your husband isn't looking for jobs (which should be a couple of hours every single day), he needs to be helping you with the kids, housework, dinner, whatever. Since he is not doing that, you need to have a very serious and candid discussion with him. Good luck!

My husband was out of work for 5 months and it was the same way for me. He was down because he wasn't providing for us, even though he was trying to get ANYTHING, nothing was open in our area. He ended up taking a job 2 hours away! But at least he has a job. It was the same way though. I felt like I did all of the cleaning and taking care of the kids when I got home. But it was because he needed a break. It was a huge hit on his ego to stay home.Not that it made me understand him any better, but it was. So we just had to keep working through it. Open up and tell your husband how you are feeling. Maybe that will help. Trust me, been there, done that., I got to the point where seeing him eat lunch when I came home was annoying to me. He was eating the food I was working hard to provide and buy and he wasn't doing anything to help. At least that was my perspective. when he told me what he did all day, it was a differnet story. I just didn't realize the little things. Hang in there, mama!

yeah, I'd say it's pretty normal. And your current conditions would definitely make the long way home a pleasant distraction. Do what you gotta do to get through it. It's hard times right now and probably will get worse before it gets better.
Hubby would probably be less depressed if he would take his current sahd job more serious and do the things he should do like cook and clean and the laundry. Try to manipulate him into doing the chores at home, it would make both of you feel better. He lost his job and isnt doing a great job at his current job either... Make him realize that.

Oh yes. I'm the stay at home (and work part time) one though. My husband and I have a somewhat running joke that one day I'm just going to run out the front door!!!! He says he would track me down though;)
Your hubby needs to help out. Even if he's not talking, you just keep talking to him!