I just typed a long message here and it disappeared....so I'm going to just make this quick.
A friend of mine cannot afford to leave her husband. We've talked about dropping the expectations she has for him and treating him like a roommate instead. Even talking of separating the house to his room, her room, etc.
They have a 2 year old together (which he has nothing to do with) and she has 2 older children from her first husband that stays with them every other weekend and over the summers (which he can't stand).
Do you know of any situation where this has worked out? Even for a little while?
She has tried everything to make this work. She has stayed longer than I would ever have. The guy is WORTHLESS. They live on his disability and social security checks (mental illness + total laziness). She can't leave the 2 year old home with him to work even part time.
I can't think of any other way to help her. She can't move in with us....we live 2 hours away.
Just to clarify. She is a good mom. Her first husband got the better attorney and got lucky that the judge was an advocate for the dads, and that they went to court in a tiny town where he was from and was related to half the county. She was from a county over and her parents sucked with helping her have a great support system. He could say, "I have a house (he lived with dad and still does), have a job at the local ___, and have all this family to help me raise the kids." She couldn't say the same. She had been living with her parents almost an hour away and didn't have as many people to help her. She also didn't have a job because she was a SAHM. I've known her for 20 years. I'm the closest thing she has to family that really cares about her.
She has no other real friends because she is taking care of the 2 year old 24/7, the house, the bills, the car, the outside chores, and the list goes on and on. SHE DOES IT ALL.
we tried the roommate thing when we THOUGHT it was over. However, there has always been that inevitable night when paths cross, stars line up, and fireworks go off. We are still together! It was a great cooling off tool though. Kept us from divorcing.
wow I'm sorry but soon as I hear someone only having limited custody of their kids I think something else is up. I think you're only hearing her side of the story. Obviously theres more to it, why would she marry a guy who hated her 2 kids?
On to your question
I did it for 1 and 1/2 years and it worked as much as it could at first we coexisted and then for the majority whoever had my daughter got the house and whoever didn't stayed with friends or family so she'd get used to seperate time with us. This worked because it had to, although I would never reccomend it. It's easier to J. make things definite and move on when theyre little and won't remember much. I had to for financial reasons as I assume your friend does. She needs to have an exit plan and stratgey...as in getting a full time job and daycare...or something else. Finding a job near friends, then finding an apartment and then local babysitters. It all can be done
No way. Its too confusing for the kids and why the HECK would you want to be around someone DAILY that you can't stand??? Its time to put her big girl panties on and take responsiblity for her life and those of her children. If it were me, I would get a full time job, make him pay child support and be done with it. Can she maybe share a home with another single mom and rent a room or two for her and the kids? Not sure what else she can do. But I was in this situation, a lot of us have been, and you do whatever you need to. I hope she finds a way to get away from him. Good luck!!!
Was the goal to keep living with him as a SAHM and continue living on his disability and social security?
to answer your question, NO. Then why get a divorce, so on paper it shows you aren't married... She needs to remember by she married this man in the first place, marriage is hard and you have to put in a lot of work sometimes to make it work.
When I was in HS I had a friend who's parent's were no longer together, But lived together. They somehow split the house up. It was very weird and the house had an uncomfortable vibe. I would find a plan B. Maybe someone to help out with the 2 Year Old while you worked and saved up some $. Or even bide your time until the child is school age.
My aunt did it for years with her husband (he lived in the basement - she lived upstairs) but their kids were grown (or much older) and eventually they divorced.
You can but both people have to be grown ups. The problem is most of the time when a marriage dissolves it is because one refuses to be the grown up. :(
I personally dont think this would be a good idea. What will happen if either one of them brings a date home with them?? They would both be entitled, they would both be single??
I have a great aunt and uncle (they're elderly now) who have been living in separate houses for decades but they're still married. She still goes to his house and cooks, cleans and does his laundry. Not sure what on earth she gets out of the deal but hey, whatever works.
I know a mom who has been wanting to leave her husband for at least 10 years. She works, he's an "unemployed" plumber. Really? Hasn't been able to find any plumbing work in 10 years? Anyway...he has a bedroom in the basement and uses some shared spaces (kitchen, bathroom) but she and her daughter have the rest of the house.
Honestly, I think if I were your friend I'd bite the bullet and leave him and go on welfare or whatever until I could get back on my feet (I would also stop dating, having babies and marrying losers). There are daycare and housing subsidies for the truly poor. It would suck, but she needs to learn how to support herself and her child and stop living off of bad men.
