Buying Gifts for a Fueding Family???

I would continue whatever I was doing with my family before. Why would you change one side for what the otherside has done...doesn't make sense. I would also send Christmas cards to all. I would remember that the holiday season is about appreciation, greatfullness, love, peace and joy. Not about who has done what. Life is short to hold grudges and scorn those you love. Family is family but in this same light you aren't required to buy presents for anyone...just love them and forgive them.

Yes, get gifts for your family. I would even say mail a fruit basket for his family as a "thinking of you" (but glad we aren't there) gesture. But one has nothing to do with the other. If it is difficult for your husband, leave him out of the shopping and sending part.

Gifts are a gesture of affection. it's not a competition or game or tit-for-tat. If you have affection for your family, do what you want.

Do as you normally would for your side of the family.
They have nothing to do with the drama on the other side.
Treating them differently when they've done no wrong is just spreading the weirdness of the group you're not dealing with this year.

Yes, if you always buy gifts for your own family then you should continue to do so. The issues that your husband is having with his own family don't have anything to do with your family so this shouldn't, either.

I think you should still exchange with your family. Otherwise they will wonder why you are shutting them out?

I am so sorry this is going on. I no longer speak with my inlaws but still encourage my husband and daughter to visit them. I wish no one would have to go through this.

But what you listed as the reasons are the exact same reason for me.

I agree that you could go ahead and give your family their gifts and maybe consider just sending a Christmas Card with the children's photo in it. Again only if you all want to do this.

I am sending you all healing thoughts.

I guess I am wondering why you are trying to figure fairness into the equation when your family has nothing to do with the backstabbing. I don't understand your thought process on this. Does your husband somehow blame your family for this?

If your family is good to you both and your kids, get them presents like you normally would. Just like you would give presents to friends.

Good luck,

Dawn

I agree with what you are doing. At some point, you have to stand up for yourself, and cut toxic people out of your life, family or not.

As far as your family. They have nothing to do with this, and did nothing wrong, so I don't see why you would punish them by cutting them out of the holiday, as well. I don't think they deserve that.

Good luck. Enjoy your holiday as stress free as possible. At the end of the day, it's all about the little family you have at home, with your DH. They matter the most.

OK. I may be in the minority here, but I think it's just not right to do what you're planning on doing. At the very least, send a little Christmas arrangement to each of his relative's houses for the holiday.
How is NOT reaching out to them ever the *right* thing to do?
I don't think what you do for his family should affect what you normally do for yours. For example, the adults in my family have a grab bag with a $75 limit gift. But my husband's family doesn't do a grab bag, so we buy for everyone.
I just think, regardless of what has happened in the last year, you want to be *that person* that was ungiving and uncharitable on Christmas. Or at least I wouldn't want to be that person.
When in doubt, always try to be the bigger person.

I would still get your side of the family gifts but I would make sure they are sentimental, not just nice/expensive/cheap/meaningless/etc gifts.

That way, you won't be leaving them out and it will actually have some meaning for you in light of what's going on on the other side of your family.

There is nothing wrong w/giving a Christmas card and putting a family picture in it for your ILs that says "Remembering you at Christmas". At least they won't be able to point a finger at you guys that you didn't remember them at Christmas.

Your family is his family too now. I would make the celebration with your side even bigger and more merry to make up for losing out on half the Christmas. Make it festive and happy for your daughter and husband. Make sure your family goes out of thier way to make him feel loved and appreciated.

I would also try to be a bridge, if I were you. Send a heartfelt card to your mil and whoever else has been a jerk. Something like.... Wishing you a Merry Christmas, sorry we won't be attending this year, but felt it best to avoid conflict. I hope over the coming year we can work to build a healthy relationship so that we can celebrate as a family next Christmas.

That way they get a clear concept of why you aren't coming and what it would take to get you there next year and that will help quell some of the gossip that will inevetiably happen while you guys aren't there!