Bullying Coach...

a jerk coach and a confrontational mamabear.
bad combo.
khairete
S.

Nothing that coach is doing is unusual for a sports team. My daughter would expect to endure the same when she played soccer. As such she kept track of her own sports and would never ask to join something she logistically couldn't get to.

Your son wanted something he simply could not get to with his current schedule and now you want this coach to accommodate that. This is a discussion with your son, not the second coach.

If you don't believe me that you are the problem and not the coach ask his football coach if he can leave 15 minutes early for extra travel time and watch his reaction. It will be the same. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is not everyone else's responsibility to make it work because you could no longer say no to your son.
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Wow! I just realized your what happened was directed at Marda. You need to take a step back because she is right you are projecting your frustration at everyone and anyone other than the ones responsible for your frustration, you and your son. She asked how his grades are, she did not say he needed to work on them. You seeing that she implied his grades are slipping was your mind trying to dismiss her advice, which I know for a fact came from a place of concern, so that you can continue to not address the real problem.

Marda is older with kind heart I can't even dream of possessing and a wealth of experiences I hope to experience. She is an amazing resource for moms, you should not dismiss her advice as you are trying to do.

Looking at your what happened, no, sorry, this board has become a place where more and more women come for validation for their own decisions without no tolerance for the opinions of others. When they don't hear what they want to hear everyone answering is bitter and angry, what ever projection the OP can come up with.

People like you make me worried about my children. I raised them to understand personal responsibility. People like you find this concept foreign. You think everyone was placed on this earth to see that you are special and you must be accommodated. I can't even imagine how hard parenting will be for them with parents like you attacking them all the time.

Go to the people that run the program, well if you haven't already. See that we were right and your sense of entitlement was wrong. See you are the only one on that team that has a problem with this. The rest of the team was questioning why that coach was letting your son be late so many times for so long without doing anything. The rest of the team will speak up and say the coach shouldn't go, your son needs to go. I suppose then you will get over your disdain for this board and post, bullying parents.

Maybe one day you and all the other entitled parents that are flooding this board will get it, it is not bullying for someone to say no, I do not want to do what you want me to do! It is bullying when you try to use your power to force them to do what you want them to do by calling them a bully. Get over yourself and have a great day.

Oh and you have no idea how stupid you sound calling probably one of the happiest people on earth, bitter. Talk about inability to judge others. If you are so unhappy look inward because blaming everyone that doesn't make you happy isn't working

Recognizing what you canNOT do is as valuable a life skill as living your full potential.

You might be doing your son a great disservice by not saying, "you cannot fully commit to both of these programs, you need to choose one, and focus your energies on what you CAN achieve".

At 15, frankly, he should have already learned this lesson.

I wonder if your expecting this coach to accommodate your son the way YOU accommodate him might suggest you are attempting to ease your own guilt about moving him.

I think it really IS okay to say no to our kids when they don't recognize for themselves a thing that is not working out.

I know you don't want him to be disappointed, but again, handling disappointment well is also a life skill.

Sure, maybe the coach was a little rough with you, but he is not in the business of accommodating players who can't follow the rules.

If your son was not late, we would not be having this conversation.

I've noticed that kids are naturally really resilient, if we let them be.

I hope he'll learn to focus his talents and energies on something he CAN do.

:)

You called the coach already angry and then when he wouldn't do what YOU wanted him to do you got more angry. Of course he responded negatively. Its human nature. Report him for what? For responding to your anger? Well if you report him report yourself as well. Did the coach handle it correctly? Probably not but then neither did you.

Our rule in our house was one activity (sport) per season. You are the parent. You decide if he plays football and lacross not him.

You knew what the schedule was and you also knew your drive was going to be a long one. Not the coach. You are the one who needs to adjust.

I hate when people use the term "bullying" when it is so clearly not the case.

My husband has been a coach before for baseball and we have dealt with parents like you. Here is the deal. Your son needs to be at practice at the appointed time. Period end of story. If he is late, then he will be running laps. Your drive is not the coach's problem, it is yours. Deal with it.

"Should I just pull my son off the team?"

Something has to give, but I think it needs to be a mindful decision on your son's part, rather than you deciding to 'pull' him or not. The main issue here isn't even the coach conflict, but the fact that your son is over-scheduled. That is what caused the coach conflict in the first place. The timing and distance makes it impossible to do both Football and Lacrosse.

Being a few minutes late once or twice in a season is not a big deal. Always being late to every practice is a legitimate serious issue. It would be a problem for any sport or similar. Even in college, some professors will dock points for sliding into class a couple minutes late. Your son can't control your driving or rush hour, but he can fix the problem.

One of the sports has to go. Your son needs to choose which sport to do. He will need to weigh in the various factors - which sport he likes best, which is the strongest commitment, how long he has been on Football vs Lacrosse, season duration, future interest, as well as the environment with the team members and coaches.

Put your mama bear claws away for the moment and have your son make a decision. There are important life lessons being presented to him right now - learning to properly handle one's time, how best to honor commitments, how to handle conflict without anger.

Once he has made a choice, you will know what path you are on and can then decide how best to proceed.

In a way, you set yourself and your son up for inevitable lateness and its consequences. Your son was already involved in a sport and on a team. The lacrosse team participation requires a 2 hour round trip drive through rush hour traffic, and in the evening, and practice starts at an impossible time slot (an hour's drive through traffic precisely 60 minutes after the other practice ends).

You say you want to help your son in any way possible, but I think you're not really helping him in this case. He wanted to join a second sports team, requiring a two hour drive in the evening, and I'm assuming that you are required to stay nearby (you certainly couldn't drive home while he's at practice and then return to pick him up, so I'm assuming that lacrosse practice takes up your entire evening). And then there's gas prices involved in such a long commute. You indulged him, even though the reality of such a commute so soon after football practice ends means that its impossible for him to arrive on time to lacrosse practice. You should have established boundaries (pick one sport, and make it one that is possible).

Plus, with two such demanding sports, your son is potentially being physically over-extended. Young athletes need to pace themselves and rest.

By indulging him, by telling him that an hour's drive to another sport barely 60 minutes after his first sport hass finished practice is ok, you have allowed him to make your decisions regarding your time, and you haven't been firm about limits (limits on your time, driving time, too many practices and activities, costs of gas, costs involved in team participation such as uniforms, shoes and equipment). Sure, he loves it. That's not the point. We don't just give our kids things because they love them. We teach them balance, responsibility, and the ability to evaluate cost vs gain.

I don't really think this is about the coach. It's about you and your family, telling your son "no". Pick one sport, and pick something that's accessible, both physically, geographically and financially. You simply can't arrive to the lacrosse practice on time, and punctuality is part of any sport. If unpredictability is a permanent part of committing to a team, then most likely, that team is not feasible.

If, as a family, you decide that the lacrosse team participation will continue, then I think you should just decide to accept any punishment that the coach decides to give to your son. Being late, in this case, is not an unpredictable thing. It's entirely predictable and nearly unavoidable. And it's voluntary on your part, so tell your son to take his punishment with a good attitude, and stay out of it.

Punishment for being late is pretty standard for sports. It reminds the kids that being on time is important. Your son was late and he was giving a task to do. He wasn't singled out he was treated just like any other late kid. You need to get over that one.

Unless you son is going to get into college by playing a sport I think you need to have him choose one sport per season instead of scheduling several. There are always additional practices and activities that come up with every sport. When you are juggling several different ones it makes it too hard.

While I think the coach lost his cool in this situation I also think you pushed him to his breaking point by questioning something other parents didn't question. You really didn't do your son a favor because now he sees your kid as the one who's mama has to fight for him.

I don't think you should have signed up for something that far from your home when you are driving in unpredictable traffic. You are adding extra stressors to your family.

Being late to any sport practice is unacceptable. Being late for anything is rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person's time.

You expect the coach to accept your kid being late and not face consequences because of your drive. YOU signed up for the sport knowing full well you have a drive ahead of you. Coaches don't give special treatment to some and not others, normally.

Lastly, I do not see the coach as a bully. It is not your place to argue with a coach in view of others. You will now be known as "that mom" and you probably did more damage to your son because he will be known as the one that mom steps in and fights for him.

It is not your business to ask the coach if he is planning to coach next year.

Your son needs to choose what sport he loves and what he wants to do. Pick one. There is no need to be in every sport you like just because you want to. Sometimes it is just not doable and this is one of those situations for you.

Your SWH is very defensive. You got a lot of good advice here from moms who have or have had children in sports. It is not our first rodeo.

Calling a coach a bully because you don't like him does not constitute bully. That term us used so freely and most of the time when someone uses it, they are not referring to a true bully. He probably sees you as a bulldozer mom who is fighting to change rules to get things her way for her son. It works both ways.

Welcome to the world of teenage and high school sports.

I don't like it but it's one of those things where - in Rome do as the Romans do.

Our society is obsessed with sports. It's an idol.

Your son is getting to the point where he needs to advocate for himself with coaches. High school aged coaches don't like hovering mamas and they take it out on the boys. It's tough for me to say that because I'm a homeschooling, very involved parent. But that's just the way it is. If you don't like it, or what it's doing to your family/son, then it's best not to partake at all imho.

My daughter played softball for ten years including rec ball, high school ball and travel ball. Long before the age of 15 we all knew that being on time was an expectation not a suggestion. If we couldn't be there on time we wouldn't sign up.

By your own account, you have been late every time and are in over your head. The coach is not there to pat your son on the head because he lives farther away.

I love, love, LOVE what Marda suggested. Reread it five times before you tell your son "Lacrosse isn't working out".....

.... real world: there are plenty of things all of us would LOVE to do, but for the mere sake of logistics, we have to prioritize other needs. We can't have our cake, want a second one and then complain that it gives us a stomachache... making choices is important.

I don't think he sounds bullying.

I think if kids are late to practice, then it's disruptive to the team and the coach. Sounds pretty typical to me.

Coaches don't want to hear about the other stuff (the drive, traffic, etc.).

If you weren't there day one to hear about practices, again that's not the coach's fault.

I think his reaction was a bit much - the punishment part. That was uncalled for - but sounds to me like your tone may have been very accusatory.

Figure out if this is worth it to you. You sound like you hate doing this.

I can't make all my kids' wishes come true. We couldn't do two sports. We tried doing basketball with hockey once, and the basketball coach was the same as your coach here - wasn't impressed when we were late or missed games. So we ditched basketball and did in summer instead.

Good luck :)

My kids are in martial arts and there is a consequence for being late to class. That is just the way it is, I am pretty sure in most sports. If they miss bowing in to class they have to wait until an instructor can come and bow them in...sometimes they are told to do push ups or sit ups or wait in meditation pose until they can join class. Missing warm-ups is a big deal in sports of all kinds.

As far as punishments go...my son mouthed off to a black belt (he was a teenager and I think my son thought he was just another kid) he was told to go do push ups. He ended up doing a lot of push ups that day because he kept mouthing off.

I don't think I would ever talk to a coach like you did in concern that it would turn out like it did for you. That the coach would take it out on my child. Or the coach would turn the other players against my child.

Have you ever played team sports yourself?

You have two choices, pull him out and chalk it up to experience or let him handle the coach. In fact if he stays in maybe you should drop him off and not stay to watch.

Good luck in whatever you decide. You did learn an important lesson don't mess with the coach, and never join a team without vetting the coach first!!

Wow, this is a mess.

I think the program/coach/director erred in telling you this wouldn't be a problem, when clearly it is. So if you were misled, you certainly have a right to appeal for a return of all or part of your money (depending on how many practices your son has attended). I also think the coach was out of line with the "I'll show you punishment" line - he's supposed to be a professional.

That said, no team can run if kids arrive late, even those kids with a "good excuse" like travel time. It's just not possible. Coaches hear things like "lots of traffic" or "I got out late from the prior activity." There's no way to sort it out, and even if those things are true, a team cannot function with kids missing warm-ups and so on. He comes out of football, probably missing or rushing the cool-down, then sits in a car for an hour (great way to tense up the muscles!), then jumps into lacrosse without a warm-up? Not a responsible idea at all. The injury potential is too great. That should concern you anyway, because your son is trying to play 2 intense, physically-demanding sports at the same time. The likelihood of injury and the incredible demands on his body are really unbelievable - too much exertion, too much strain on joints and muscles, too little recovery time, and the possibility of head injuries is double. I don't know of any teams in our area (and I'm a sports mom) that would allow a high school student to play 2 intensive sports in the same season.

The coach feels that your son hasn't made lacrosse a priority. In this case, he's right, because your son has chosen football first, and lacrosse second. Yes, I know he loves both, but at 15, he needs to learn to choose and that he can't have everything he wants. It's just not practical. Your son is also old enough to learn and figure out the schedule without his mother making phone calls about this. That's just not going to fly with coaches of kids this age.

As far as you asking if he'd be coaching next year, that's way out of line. It isn't your business. Your concern is THIS season, a season you are unable to commit to without all kinds of special circumstances, and that's not fair of you. Together, you and the coach showed what's wrong with teen sports these days - way too much involvement and poor behavior by adults.

So I would insist that my son make a choice now - which sport is his preference and something he can commit to. That's the reality of team sports. If he chooses football, then write a well-worded, reasoned and calm letter (which you have someone else check for typos and spelling errors) to the director, asking for a refund since the promised "no problem" is clearly a problem. Include any supporting documents you have (emails, forms) and, if possible, the dates of any phone or in-person conversations.

And I agree with you that you absolutely cannot allow a young and inexperienced driver to take himself to practices under bad traffic conditions and after the exertion of one sport. We've seen too many disastrous, even fatal, car accidents involving rushed and distracted teens trying to get somewhere on time, failing to anticipate traffic, and sleep- and nutrition-deprived from trying to do too much.

Actually - I never would have signed up for anything that was a hour away.
Logistically it's just not working out and you are finding that out the hard way.
The coach might be a total jerk but I understand wanting everyone there for warmups and it's distracting if someone is always late.
Every sport is like this.
We want to do everything our kids want to try but sometimes we have to say "Sorry son. This isn't going to work and you can't join this without dropping something else.".
Quit the team - it's not the coach - it's the commute, so don't try this again if he's not coaching next year - and chalk it up to lesson learned.

I hear that your son is a sports kid - he loves the game, he's driven. Yes the coach is a jerk, and I would feel exactly the same way. BUT - the more you involve yourself, the more the coach will take it out on your kid. It's not right, but it is what will happen. So you have to back off the coach. You did your mama-bear thing and it is not going to help.

I suggest your son talks to his HS football coach - since it's off-season - ask if he can leave 10 mintues early so he can avoid the discipline for lateness to lacrosse. I have a feeling the football coach would allow it since it's off-season.

As you back off the lacrosse coach tell your son to get more involved in the communication. He should ask the lacrosse coach to use your son's email & text for team notification. Maybe he can also get another teammate to forward information to him when it gets sent out. Let your son be the point of contact. Make sure he knows how vital it is that he lets you know so you can schedule your driving time around it. You'll be surprised at how responsible your son will become when he has to. And let him finish out the season.

But for next year I would tell your son it's not do-able (unless you're willing to let him drive by himself - and some kids really mature in that year). As parents there are a number of reasons we have to say no to our kids - whether it's no to a group of "new friends" who are bad kids, or no becuase we just don't have the money, or no because it's too much stress on the family - it's OK to say no. Life is filled with "no's" as adults - no we can't afford that car, or no you didn't get the job you really wanted, etc. It's practice for the real world and it's part of preparing our kids for adulthood.

The teens years are a difficult time to be a parent. We have to loosen up our control and let them handle things on their own more and more as the months and years go by. Between 9th - 12th grade they mature so much. They go into high school as kids needing a lot of control and direction and as the months go by we need to coach & guide more and control less. We need to be there for advice and to nudge them to do things they need to do, but we need to stand back and let them deal with consequeneces - whether they are of their own doing or just dumb luck. That's life - sometimes we have to deal with bad stuff becuase we've done somehting stupid (auto accident that's our fault) and sometimes we have to deal with negative stuff by no fault of our own (parent leaves, someone hits our parked car, etc.)

But the good part of it is that we get to see our kids become young adults and watch them do amazing things about which we can be so proud. Sounds like your son is one of those kids.

I would talk to the director about the threats the coach made against your child for issues that are outside his control simply because he did not like being questioned. But, I would not pull my son out, that would have to be his choice. And I would not contact the coach again, that could just make things worse for your son. If there are further issues I would take them over the coaches head.

I think your son needs to make a decision.

Either he decides to stay with Lacrosse and deals with the consequences, quits football and gets to Lacrosse on time or quits it all together.

It is not fair to the other team members to be consistently late.

Is this the same son that got hand sanitizer in his ear? Whatever happened with that?

This sounds awful for you. You are awesome for even considering driving your son an hour away for practice. And your son will be fine for it-I'm more worried about you! If the stress of this is going put more pressure on you than you can handle, it's not worth it. If you think you can work out the logistics and manage, then you are a great mom for sacrificing for him and he better thank you one day! So just don't forget about yourself in this equation.

I agree that the coach sounds like a huge jerk. But honestly, from what I've seen this is the rule, rather than the exception! Ok that may be overstated, but you don't often hear "how unusual, a coach with a huge ego who goes on yelling streaks," know what I mean? I also don't blame you for wanting to talk with him, that's your right as a mom. But it probably got a bit away from you because you started out angry.

Here's what I would do. Talk to your son- confirm that he really wants to play both football and lacrosse. If yes, speak with the football coach. Let him know that he is fully committed to the team, but that lacrosse follows after with an hour commute. Ask if it's possible to always leave at exactly 4:30 in order to honor both commitments. This should keep the frustration level down from this end.

Then let him know that he needs to talk to lacrosse coach. Explain that he spoke with his football coach and is able to always leave football on time, ready to go with lacrosse stuff. Let coach know he understands that there will be some 'consequence' if he is late and missing warm ups, but ask if it can be more of an alternate warm up versus a punishment if being late is through no fault of his own. (every team DD has been on the kids had to do something like that, or maybe just run, for being late... sometimes the whole team had to run sprints if they lost a game... it's normal- kind of a jackass move by the coaches IMHO but normal). But at least if your son takes the initiative to speak with the coach they may come to an understanding and not face humiliation every single time.

More of the responsibility needs to be on your son. I'd rather have him realize after speaking with these coaches that this just isn't a good idea and that he needs to make a choice. This is better than you just pulling him- he won't see why if he wasn't a part of it. But again, if this stress is going to put you over the edge, you will have to re-evaluate for your own sanity!

Good luck, I know this is hard and you are being such an awesome mom for putting yourself through this for your son.

I would talk to the director of the program since the coach has been threatening.

We had problems with my SS and the custody schedule and the coaches saying one thing and doing another for football/wrestling. Eventually my SS quit (we encouraged him to stay through the season) because he didn't want to deal with the team's drama anymore. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, but if your choices are to put up with a bully coach or lose money, I'd lose money. Is there truly no other team that your son can join for his age or abilities? Is this a school league or a rec league?

ETA: Elena also has some good points. My DD takes dance, and her type of dance is not common. She doesn't want any other kind of dance. We did not enroll her in the fall when the only offering would be rush hour, 45 mins at best, for a 45 minute class. It was too much to drive her there even once a week, and I had found out that a closer class the semester before was only 30 minutes away in theory.

If you honestly cannot be there on time, ever, then you and your son need to have a serious talk about feasibility and how your time is also valuable, and how to prioritize. There were times we had to say "No, three AP classes and football is enough". If the big issue is that YOU cannot get there, on time, then perhaps he needs a different ride or you need to get out earlier or you need to figure out what you can do to try to offset the time.

It's hard when we want to give them every activity, but sometimes...it's just hard. I don't know about you, but traffic makes me angry, and it also wasn't worth being stressed out at my kid. She's now in a class that is 20 minutes from our house (several of us petitioned the school to find a new venue) and it is so much better for everyone. Maybe some local parents would be willing to find a coach for a rec league. Maybe one he can then drive himself to.

I would speak with the director of the program and the coach's boss. He sounds like a jerk and he is probably used to getting away with this behavior. Treating his kids like this will not make them better athletes or better people. Who on earth cares that your son will be 10 minutes late? How does that truly affect anyone? My son is 10 minutes late to religious school EVERY week. That is simply how long it takes us to get from his regular school, downtown to religious school. We told the school when we registered and EVERYBODY is fine with it. The teacher doesn't wait to start - my son just quietly takes his seat when he arrives. He misses the first few minutes of social studies every Wednesday because his gifted program runs into that time slot. SO WHAT??? It doesn't ruin anyone else's education and who on earth cares? The coach is a stickler for a procedure that makes no sense and has no benefits. Just because we did it like this in the Stone Age is not a good reason.

Oh man, if he had threatened me with "punishment for my son", I'd be all over that. If you don't, you WILL end up losing your money. Instead, you should complain about him to high heaven and if he DOES throw your son off the team, you will probably get your money back.

Being on any sports team is a huge commitment. Late is late, regardless of the reason and if it is frequent, then yes the coach should bring this up - not necessarily in the manner he did. And if timing and driving that far is an issue - then don't do it. Explain these challenges to your son and he might just understand given that he is on other sports teams. We simply have to teach our kids that you can't do everything, but we seem to encourage them to add more and more to their already full lives. Life is about decisions. See what he wants to do and back off a little. The mother-coach confrontations will only impact your kid's role on the team.