Bullheaded 4 Year Old - Do We Need Counseling?

Updated on August 14, 2007
F.G. asks from Independence, MO
4 answers

Maybe most of you moms have been through this, but my husband and I are at our wits end with our 4 year old daughter’s bullheadedness, stubbornness and willfulness. She has always been her own person, but the last few months (mostly over the summer break) have just been terrible.

My husband and I have had long discussions about Rebekah's behavior and how to handle her. (time out, naughty chair, favorite toys taken away, walked out of the store and gone straight home, cancelled swimming or play dates.)

Rebekah just doesn't listen, she runs off especially in stores, or takes off down the sidewalk of our busy street, talks back, fights us if she doesn't get her way, and many more behavior problems.

We are both trying our hardest to bring her up properly with fun daily activities, play dates, craft time, reading both at home and at the library, but she just doesn't seam to have fun. We are really quite worried about our situation, not just for safety reasons, but mentally as well.

Do you think I should have her examined by a child counselor, or am I just worrying as she is only 4 and is exploring her way or developing her own personality (oh boy!)Will she grow out of this stage? She has mostly been a wonderful sweet intelligent little girl up until recently. She is extra tall (the size of a 6 year old) and strong for her age, and we've been told she is super intelligent for her age from her preschool teachers. Are we not giving her advanced enough activities, or challenging enough things to do so she's actually quite bored with the stuff we do through the day?

Anyone who has a solution or suggestions or has similar problems regarding this behavior issue, I would sincerely appreciate any input.

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K.B.

answers from Kansas City on

From a mom who has a 5 year old that can be extremely stubborn I can give you some ideas that has worked for me.

Your daughter sounds like my son. Tall and bright. We just had his screening done for Kindergarten he scored 9 points above the average kindergarten. As the counselor put it bright kids have odd behavior, they are different in many ways. It was realiving in way to hear it.

Here's a few things that I found to help me: Non structure free play that really channels their energy. For me it was letting my son lose in the woods in our backyard, of course I was at eyesight. I didn't direct him, he could spend hours out there. He would come back with a shirt full of nuts, and I bought him a kid hammer. He would break them open and look inside them, he would break rocks open and do the same.
I know it sounds so simple but it worked for me. After he had some free play outside of the house and by himself. He would listen better.

Arguing: I give it no attention at all, I don't even react when he tries to argue. I will tell him I understand he's mad, and he can be mad. But I tell him I won't be around the fit throwing or yelling and I walk away. I ignore it, truly ignore it. He's run away and I didn't react to him running away. I just kept him in eyesight and tried to not let him see me watching him. When he came back I walked him to the car and we did a time out in the car. I explained when he could control his behavior we would go back in.
Remember they are trying to manipulate you into what they want. You give them an ounce letting them know they succeeded they will only try harder next time. =)
I put my son in his room and just held the door shut till he calmed down. It's hard but a few times of that and he learned I wasn't going to put up with it.

I had to take my son out of preschool they weren't challenging him enough. He knew everything that was being taught to the class, and the teachers didn't let him help the other kids.
He was reading the prereading books by himself before he was 5. Don't be afraid to challenger her at home, she needs it. I've received cristism that he won't be able to do well in school because he will be ahead of his peers. I don't believe in holding back a kids need to be challenged. I do ask him challanging questions that make him think. I don't correct him if his thinking is wrong, instead I say wow that's some good thinking. He looks it. I got him workbooks and we do them
together. I get him involved in cooking dinner and other daily task.

So no I don't think she needs to see a counselor she sounds liek a normal bright kid. That needs some help in finding something that helps channel all that energy she has.

Just know you aren't alone!

2 moms found this helpful
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B.S.

answers from Kansas City on

Wow! Sounds like my 3yr old son! Either all of us moms who've posted here have kids in need of counseling :) or I'd prefer to think it's just the age they're at and trying to assert themselves. My son does a LOT better when he gets rambunctious playtime and can literally burn some steam! If we're having a bad day with lots of screaming, fighting and energy I take the kids to the mall to the indoor play area and let them run around for a good 30-45 minutes, or the park if the weather is nice. They have so much fun climbing on the spongey toys and playing with the other kids. I know in my situation I'm a sahm so my kids don't have a ton of time to interact with other kids their age and play. I do see a big difference in my son's attitude after he's gotten to let off some energy.
As far as not listening, again I think it's the age. I swear I could set my voice to a tape recorder saying "no" and "stop hitting", "be nice" "don't scream" and the list goes on!
I have no idea if I"ve even helped you with advice, but hopefully just knowing you're not alone helps :)

1 mom found this helpful
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W.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi F., Well I'm alos repsonding to your post...
I have the exact something with my 3 y/o, she is very busy all the time constanly into things. Rearranging things you name it shes doing it. 1 thing I have found that she loves to do is scissors, glue and paper and crayons and I let her go. Sure it makes a mess sometimes but it is easy cleaned up, also play do at the table when the younger kids are down for a nap, a notebook with her own pencils/pens, we even got her a backpack from walmart that she can keep all her supplies in. Also if you go to www.starfall.com, its free website and she loves playing on here during nap time and it keeps her busy. For a 3 y/o most people think she is 4. She constanly has to be busy, she has done a full preschool work book, now I'm gonna start her on a Kindergarten one. Sometimes with these types of kids their behavior is caused by not having their brain stimulated enough, their bored and not challenged enough. Anyway those are my thoughts, W.

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S.L.

answers from Kansas City on

F.,
I think that some of what you are dealing with is the fact that you work from home and your daughter is trying hard to get your attention when you are working. Even if she is acting out at times you are not working she may still be reacting to the emotions she has when she isn't the center of attention all day long. Kids are attention hogs. It's what they do. She has you to play with and spend time with. She doesn't understand work and bills and the reason for why you are sometimes busy on assignment. I know what it's like working at home. I've been with my kids from day one. But it caused at times some heavy friction in the house with the kids and I from the very fact that we spent too much time together at times.

I think you may find some relief to her recent behavior issues if you enroll her part-time in a preschool/nurseryschool/mothers day out program. It doesn't need to be a lot. Just a few hours per week she can get some experiencce away from home, with other kids and with other adults.

Also, you may want to pick your battles. If you are trying to get her in line in many ways she will rebel all the more. Just choose a few behaviors you will work on and let a few other behaviors slide until you get the first ones turned around.

Suzi

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