Broken Hearted Mom

Gramma,

I'm so sorry. It must be so difficult to watch your friend in so much pain. Surely you want to fix it, but of course it is out of your control. Just do your best to be a support for your friend. Non-judgemental and an open ear. If she will not seek help that is her choice. It is her journey.

I am no expert, but Perhaps your friend could write a letter to her daughter. I would caution her not impose any guilt, etc... I would think if she could just reinforce her love and to let her daughter know she will respect her wishes, but if at any time her daughter changed her mind she would be waiting in the wings ready to communicate or help in any way that would be comfortable for her daughter. Then find some place to volunteer that might help uplift herself, but respect her daughters wishes.

You, again, can offer support. Help your friend let go of the past and what could of been. Let go of any guilt. Mostly just listen and love her.

I am sorry to hear that your friend is going through such a sad time. It must be difficult to see someone you care about have to deal with such a devastating loss. I don't know that you really can do anything for your friend except be there for her, you can't fix this for her all you really can do is be there to listen. As selfish as it may seem, the daughter has a right to spend her last days with the people she chooses to spend them with and that decision should be respected as hurtful as it is. Is it possible that the cancer has spread to her brain and is affecting her decisions or is she on mind altering medications as part of pain management? I realize that your friend will not seek professional help, would she consider talking to a chaplain or other spiritual person to help with her distress. Is her daughter in hospice? Someone who works in hospice would be a good resource. Maby you could give a hospice center a call and ask to speak with someone who could give you some information and maby a referral for your friend. They are experts in death and the dying process. Let us know how she is doing.

You can be a great friend and be there for her like you are. This problem is bigger than both of you, unfortunately, and given the weight of the situation I would recommend she see someone. The chaplain idea is a good one if she does not want to see a therapist. There is so much going on in the story, and so much pain to deal with, I don't see how she could do it alone. Maybe you can offer to help her find someone and go with her the first time.

Well.... I am estranged from my mother. And although my mother has tried to make amends, the reality is that I feel no trust toward her. Trust is not something you can fake... You either genuinely want and feel comfortable with that person in your life or you don't.

So coming at your post from my perspective, I totally understand why her daughter may not want contact with her mother. For one reason, she has limited time; it is totally understandable that she would want to spend her remaining time with a cherished handful of friends and loved ones. For another reason, contact with her mother may stir up anger, resentment or other feelings that, quite frankly, may drain her energy and taint her remaining days. She is making a choice: Of the time I have left, I don't want to feel any negativity and I want to spend it with those people whom I value and love the most.

Her mother is seeking affirmation and forgiveness before her daughter dies. Her mother wants a chance to be a good mother... But her daughter sees a relationship with her mother as superficial and doesn't attach the same value to it... And it isn't how she wants to her spend her remaining time.

Unfortunately, I predict that, should your friend continue to insist on making contact after the daughter has requested privacy, such efforts will be perceived as intrusive, rude, and fuel the resentment that the daughter already feels towards her. I'm sorry, but as hard as it is, your friend needs to respect the wishes of this dying woman.

I would advise her to not give up visiting her daughter. Her daughter has come to expect her mom to abandon her and she does not trust her. This is her last chance to prove she really loves her. Maybe she can write her daughter letters instead of face to face visits? I bet her daughter really wants to resolve these feelings before she dies, but she doesn't want to deal with dissapointment again.