Bringing Another Kid in the Family?

Tell them that their cousin is coming to live with you so he can attend school where you live-and that you couldn't be happier!

Hi S.-

I have a 'boatload' of kids...

At many 'stops' along the way, we have included another child...from a weekend...to several months. For us...one more (or less) made very little difference...lol...the more the merrier!

In your case...I would tell ANYONE that asked that ______ is going to be staying with us for a while. What can we do to make _____ feel part of the family?

Take the 'focus' off 'why' ______ is there....but rather, what can 'we' do to make him more comfy for his stay.

When there were questions I did not want to answer...I made them 'non' questions by making them a 'given'.

Best luck!
michele/cat

This book might help to explain things to your five year old:

http://www.amazon.com/Families-Change-Experiencing-Termin...

__________________

For a child in transition, sometimes silence can be more difficult than the questions are. A child may feel like their past is something of a secret or like they should be ashamed of it, and silence from family members can compound this pressure.

I suggest talking to your nephew about his comfort levels. Does he want to meet with the whole family? Is he okay with your other children asking questions? How is he doing? Does he want to talk about it, does he want some space? At fifteen, he'll probably be able to give you a lot of great feedback about where he's at and what he needs.

Good luck! Big hugs!
Ephie - kinship provider

I think you just need to talk about what is private. Your nephew's relationship with his parents is private. Simply, son shouldn't ask him questions about it. You give him the high level overview, and if he has questions, he can ask you and you can give him the okay to ask. If you hear him ask something inappropriate then tell him, that's personal, and we don't need to discuss it now. Don't make your son feel bad about having an inquisitive mind, but start teaching him that it is not always polite to say everything on your mind. If you explain his cousin's feelings to him a bit ahead of time, you might be surprised how empathetic he is.

In addition, give him some safe topics, like "Your cousing likes soccer..." or "Your cousin needs help finding the laundry supplies...."

Best wishes on doing a very loving thing..

I commend you for already having 5 kids and choosing to have another to help your sister out. You should tell the older ones the truth and say age appropriate things to the 5yr old. It's their cousin. It should not matter what he speaks or doesn't speak.

You should have a family meeting when he gets to your house and talk about the rules, respect, expectations, etc and let him feel apart of your family. I experienced a young boy about that age who lost his M. thru death and had to live with an uncle and it was such a transition. He always felt more scrutinized even though it was normal in their house for punishment, etc. So when he gets there, be nice to him, but let him know what is what and give him some love. He's been thru enough.

PS: You already have a pre-teen boy in your house. Just educate your teen girls how to conduct themselves now with someone other than their brothers. I am sure they will get along.

I suspect that the collective family of kids will look out for their sibs. I would not have a special gathering myself, but I would give the family a head's up that he's moving for a while. Let him settle in. If he's not used to a family with a lot of kids, it can be overwhelming. My SS was 13 when I moved in and I am just thinking about all the little adjustments we needed to make for each other. I'd also go to the school, both with him and without him to get things in order, let him check out the building, etc. Find out what you need to do legally so he can be insured, treated for any illnesses or accidents, you can give permission for him to attend a field trip, etc.

My teenage cousin came to stay with us (sadly didn't work out) and when the kids (6 & 4) asked why, we were very general: "He made some bad choices, so we're going to try to help him learn to make better choices." Once he got here, they had too much fun playing with him to bother with why questions anymore! In your case, maybe "My sister, his mom, made some bad choices and is trying to make some changes. While she's learning, her son will stay with us." I think it's important to be honest and not hide the basic truth (obviously details aren't necessary with the younger kids), otherwise it will make your nephew feel like he should be ashamed, and create an elephant in the room situation. And the kids are gonna talk amongst themselves anyway, so it's better if the initial information comes from you. It's ok if your son asks some questions (like why he has an accent) - it'll open up a discussion between the kids and let them get to know each other and establish a relationship. I wouldn't have a big family get together to introduce nephew to extended family. That might make him feel put on the spot and embarassed. Best wishes :)

Well, first off I'd be really sure that this boy behaves well, since you don't wt him taking advantage of your kids, and teach them wrong and bad things. I'm not saying he is a bad kid, but you never know. And I would just tell your little boy that your sister needs help for awhile, and you thought her son could use some company, so since you have a house full of kids, why not have him stay here. And maybe you can tell your other relatives on the phone what is going on, then have them meet at the next get together. You don't want to overwhelm the boy. Good luck to you, you are doing a wonderful thing.

Is this being arranged thru Children's Services Division and the courts? If not, I suggest you want to have the mother sign legal papers giving you custody of her son.

And, if at all possible arrange to meet him and talk before you actually agree to have him live with you. It's almost for sure that he has emotional issues and you want to know if you can deal with them.

I hope that this is happening through CSD so that you can have support while you care for him. If CSD is placing him with you then you'll receive financial help and a casework will be there to help when you need it. The state will pay for medical and emotional care.

I wouldn't worry about questions or when to introduce him to the extended family. You'll know what to do once you know him. He may be easy to get along with or he may be withdrawn or angry. Base your decisions on what is best for him and your family. You won't know what's best until you know him better.

Sorry, but you can't stop little kids from asking questions... the other day my 6 yr old asked me why a grown-up was shorter then him and sadly she hear him ask. I just answered that it's just the way some people are. I really don't know how to explain genetics to a 6 yr old, but I did tell him he needs to learn what is nice to say and ask and what isn't.

That being said - it is very nice of you to take in your nephew! Just as you are nervous, I'm sure he is too. You have one person to get to know - he has 6 (7 if you are married) people to get to know, plus I'm sure a new school to go to as well. His whole life is going to be turned upside down... but I'm sure you will be able to support him with love just as your family will.

I would just tell him that he is coming to live with you for x time, while his mom take care of some things, and live it like that. Let your nephew know that he can keep his information privet or not.
Your 5 year old maybe have some questions for him or maybe not, and he just think is "cool" to have somebody else to play with. Perhaps sometimes he ask where is your mom, or why you have an accent, he may reply I am from Irish and mom is taking care of some stuff.
Your sister is lucky to have you, adding a new member to the family can add work (and headaches at a teen age stage) but can add so much love and we all learn from everyone.
Hope everything works well and your sister figure it our soon to be back (in good terms) with her son.

The boy coming to live may very well WANT to talk about these things, so I say allow the conversations to happen naturally. Just be sure to tell this new child that he ALWAYS has the right to say "I'd rather not talk about that". And explain to your other children that they need to respect that.