Bribing with Food

This is a delicate one. If I were you, I'd speak to both your sister and brother-in-law at the same time...and make the conversation general (rather than directed at the brother-in-law). I think you could easily tie your request to teaching your daughter "stranger danger". Tell your sister and brother-in-law that you are trying something new and wanted to bring them into the loop so that your daughter sees consistency. Then go on to tell them how you are working on introducing the stranger-danger topic.....and have told your daughter that it is not OK for someone to offer her something (like a cookie) and then insist that she do something first (like go with them, give them a hug etc.) You could then say that in presenting the topic, you realized that it's really not OK for even people she knows to offer her a treat in return for her doing something....so to help make it clear for your daughter, you aren't "bribing" her either. Once you've laid the ground-rules, then it'll be easy to enforce them....just a simple reminder to the brother-in-law not to do it. Stress the need for consistency so that your daughter gets a clear message. If your brother-in-law continues to bribe, then a more direct conversation is needed. Whether you speak directly to him or to your sister depends on your relationship and what you're comfortable with.

Good luck.

forget being polite, i'd tell him and everyone else in the family - knock it off. ok, another tactic, please, don't do that. if you feel more comfortable, talk to your sister first and make her understand that it's not about him it's about your daughter's safety out in the "real" world. good luck.

I would just simply say, the next time he does it, "Hey, Joe, would you mind not doing that? Because I don't want her thinking it's ok to give someone a kiss and hug if they offer her something."

And if he's a normal, reasonable person he'll say, "Oh, okay, W.."

And that will be that. It should not require a big discussion or get together of a bunch of family members.

However, is it okay for him to just ask her for a kiss? To give her a kiss? Relatives should be able to be affectionate with your daughter, and vice-versa.

Dear W.,

“Stranger-Danger” vs "Family or Friend Danger"

At 3 ½ your daughter has a voice and should use it. She's probably already been taught about strangers and other types of danger, such as running in the street, wandering off in the park or department store etc.

The danger we don’t like to discuss is the one that could be within the family and circle of friends. I doubt this is the case with your brother-in-law, but since it is bothering you and seems to be a habit with him to offer a bribe to get a kiss from you little girl, teach your daughter to use her voice. Let her know when a close family member or friend would like a kiss or hug; they DO NOT need to give her a cookie, present, or money…. Kisses and hugs are not for sale.

At the same time remind her that if a stranger EVER offers her anything, she needs to get yours, her fathers or the adult who is responsible for her at the time permission. (i.e. Grandma, teacher, caregiver, etc.)

Keep in mind that some children are uncomfortable being affectionate with anyone outside the immediate family in their home (it might be a smell, voice or just the look of a person that puts a child off or even frightens them a little); so don’t force her to kiss or hug anyone she doesn’t want, even if it’s a close family member.

When people become familiar to children, over time they eventually warm up. There’s nothing wrong when someone occasionally brings a little gift for a child (especially if they don’t see them often), but affection should not automatically be expected in return.

Blessings…..

I completely agree with Elizabeth. I think that talking to both of them together takes de-escalates the situation and also gives you control over how the message is delivered. You can also ensure that your brother-in-law completely understands what you are asking and why it's so important to you. I feel bad saying this, but quite frankly your brother-in-law's actions kind of creep me out. Does he do this a lot? I find his behavior odd -- not that he wants hugs and kisses from your daughter but that his instinct and/or routine is to bribe your daughter for physical affection.