This ? is for BF mothers and BC survivors. I was involved in a situation several months ago. I am fairly comfortable bf my children when/where appropriate. When my son was 3 months old, I was at another mother's house. She is a BC survivor with a double mastectomy. I asked her if I could nurse in her home and where; she indicated anywhere would be fine. I nursed the baby discreetly in the common area. Common area or not, should I not have nursed my son so publicly in the company of a woman whose history I had recently learnedinvolved the removal of her breasts? It occurred to me later, and months have passed and I still feel badly about it. Maybe she doesn't even care, but maybe she does, and I feel awful about being insensitive. I don't know her well or see her often, but I do run into her. Should I bring it to her attention and apologize? I feel awful even now. What are your thoughts?
I bet you she felt good that you thought of her as "normal", not a victim of cancer. I think if that had happened to me just being treated like any other woman would feel great. She has been through so much but being treated differently doesn't help. I think you are good to go and I think even if it was personally hard for her she still probably really liked being treated as a normal woman getting to help out another woman. :)
She is a survivor, she is a woman, she is a friend. I am not her, so I can not say for sure, but I would guess she was just fine with you feeding your son. She may have felt a tinge of sadness, of regret that she will not share with her child that connection, but in that same instance she will feel strong and blessed that she is alive to see you share it with yours.
Clearly, you are very thoughtful and kind-hearted, and I suspect that even if she did feel some sadness or pain, she realized that 1. you weren't being intentionally insensitive, and 2. your baby needed to be fed.
Chances are really good that she didn't think anything of it. If she had been uncomfortable, she might have suggested a different room, etc., or you would have noticed some change in her demeanor.
Unless you've felt some coldness or change in your friendship since then, I vote for letting this pass. If, someday, your relationship with her reaches a point where you have deep or intimate conversations, you could relieve your conscience about this.
If I were that woman, I would not feel at all offended. I am an avid breastfeeding mother myself and I don't think I would have felt weird about nursing my child in front of someone with a double mastectomy--it probably wouldn't have occurred to me either. I don't think you need to apologize. That implies that you think she may have resentment issues around her loss towards others or it implies that you know how she feels. You asked her if she minded before you nursed your baby--which is more than I have ever done for anyone, anywhere--if it is time for my baby to eat, the boob is coming out, albeit discreetly. I think you are sweet and intuitive that you are wondering about this now, but honestly it is probably not weighing on her mind like it is weighing on yours.
You asked and she 'accepted,' so to speak. I asked my grandmother, who has been there, and she said that if anything, the woman was probably wistful, in a good way. I say let bygones be bygones.
I don't think you need to feel badly. You asked if it would be okay and she said yes. If she felt uncomfortable, then she would have said something. But really, she's a mom, too. She knows that babies need to eat when they're hungry, and this was your only method of feeding your baby! There is no need to feel badly about that. You wouldn't feel badly nursing in front of someone who couldn't nurse due to a different medical issue, right? It is what it is.
I am a cancer survivor. I had lymphoma, not breast cancer, but I can't imagine anyone having a hard time with it. At least in my case, cancer taught me so much about LIFE and how much I wanted to live. Nursing is one of the most basic parts of life.
It's very kind of you to be concerned, and it was very considerate for you to ask prior to nursing.
You were certainly not insensitive. Sometimes, as cancer patients you spend so much more time making other people feel better about your situation because it affects them so differently.
In the end, my guess is that not a single day goes by that she's not grateful to be alive - every minute of being in treatment teaches you that. In my case, my diagnosis came the day before my son's second birthday and just before our daughter turned 11 weeks. I had to stop nursing to start chemo. It was better for my daughter to have Mommy than Mommy's milk. It NEVER bothered me to see another mother nursing, but I do feel like I have to defend myself often as to why my daughter received only 3 months of breastfeeding vs. her brother having a full year.
I agree with the other posts who said you showed sensitivity by asking where to breastfeed.
A thought I had was that a lacation consultant told me the longer we breastfeed the lower our chances of developing breast cacncer. I don't know your friend but I guess she'd be only pleased that you are gaining health benefits by breastfeeding your baby. I'm sure she appreciated your sensitivity and normality in this situation.
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I am a breast cancer survivor. I was diagnosed in December '09 and had a double mastectomy this January. I am going through chemo now. Having said all of that, it doesn't bother me one bit to see a woman nursing her child. This could be due to the fact that I was diagnosed after I had my two kids (and nursed them both) and wasn't planning on having anymore children, so I guess I feel like I didn't really "need" them anymore. I don't know if I would feel differently if the situation were different (i.e. I didn't have any children and wanted to in the future). I do get a little bit nostalgic when I hear of a friend who is pregnant or has a newborn (especially with #3 or #4) because I think "am I sure I was really done with kids?", but the bottom line is that I won't be having anymore and my diagnosis makes me appreciate the ones I have even more. They are 2 and 4 years old, so if this was found any sooner, I may not have my son and if it was found much later, I may be dealing with a cancer that wasn't curable (it was very aggressive).
I'm not sure how she really felt about it....only she knows that, but I would not feel bad if I were you. She didn't seem to make an issue of it since she told you that anywhere was fine. I'm not sure I would mention it because she has probably moved on from it if it even bothered her to begin with. If you feel like you have to get it off of your chest (so to speak), then I would just tell her (without gushing and making this conversation super emotional) that you apologize if nursing your infant in her presence made her uncomfortable or if it was painful for her in any way. Then, leave it at that. It has been my experience (in the 6 months since my diagnosis) that other people are much more hypersensitive to things related to my cancer than I am. I have had a lot of friends talk about hair care, hair products, etc. since my chemo (I have no hair now) and then they realize it and feel awful. I just laugh about it because I know that it will eventually grow back. I even had a very close friend offer to give me some shampoo that she forgot to pack and didn't want to bother with when she was moving. She was mortified as soon as she said it....I thought it was hillarious. Again, I'm not sure where your friend is/was mentally with respect to her cancer, but I am a Christian and I believe that there is a purpose to all of this that I just don't know yet. I am confident that I am going to beat this (my prognosis is excellent) and while I may not have my breasts anymore, I have the rest of my life with my kids and you know what? They can do AMAZING things with plastic surgery these days, so I'll look better than ever! It's all in how you look at it. :-)
Sorry this became so drawn out. I just wanted you to know that while you may feel horrible about all of this....if it had happened in my presence, I would have been perfectly fine with it. I truly think people are more upset and on edge about what is said in my presence than I am. I hope this is helpful in some way. I feel like it became a bit rambled...sorry for that!
Every answer here is so reassuring and reasonable, and your stress over the situation shows your empathy for others. Maybe sending a simple card with "thinking of you and hoping today is a good day" will do the trick for your uneasiness. Even if she had a twinge of, whatever, wistfulness? she may think, 'wow, what a nice thing.' Like most answers, however, she is most likely glad to be alive and having friends over to hang out with! :)
You are so compassionate! I am sure you have nothing to feel bad about. She encounters breasts every day and probably didn't even give your request a second thought.
I wouldn't say anything to her at all. You have nothing to apologize for!
