Hello -
My son is almost 7 years old. He has an older sister that used to dress him up as part of play. It was no big deal, he went along with it. A few months ago he had his older sister's old Halloween costume which was a long vampire dress. He was embarrassed when I walked into the playroom and saw him. He changed back into his clothes right away. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. Today, I walked into his bedroom where he was with his door closed. He had on another old witch costume dress, but this time I noticed he had one of her bras in the room. A few hours later, he had on another nice dress and was wearing the bra and a pair of her shoes. I asked him what he was doing and he just put his face into the bed and said "nothing" in an embarrassed voice. I told him not to be embarrassed. He said "I'm not" but he clearly was. I'd like to talk to him in an appropriate monologue, but what should I say? He has many "boy" toys, very athletic, and really all boy otherwise. I do notice he is much more gentle natured than some boys his age. I am waiting until he goes to bed to discuss w/my husband. We both love him very much and would never tell him to be anyone he is not. I just want him to feel ok talking to us about this. I haven't made a big deal out of it all and don't plan to. Not sure how to approach the conversation. Have any of you dealt with this same issue?
Thank you
Just tell him that it's ok to wear whatever clothes he wants and not to feel like he has to hide it.
I have not dealt with this issue personally, as a mom, but I know enough about the issue in general that I may be able to help.
Okay You don't yet know what it signifies, but right now, your son has some interest in cross-dressing. The most important thing to recognize is that this will not do anyone any harm. It won't change the weather, the stock market, or anything else in this world. It's. His. Private. Thing.
And until he's ready to talk about it to you, you won't be "helping" him by bringing it up one bit.
Instead, you have an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- I mean it -- to be an amazing, A-plus mom. And all you need to do is wait, act like you don't know, and just act supportive of his public self. When he is ready to talk to you about what this means, he will bring it up with you, but it may take years, until he's college-age. Until then, pretend you haven't noticed a thing and just give him an extra hug now and then. Seriously, that's all you have to do to be exactly the wonderful mom he needs.
I would not address it directly with him. I would give it a few days and then casually bring up the issue of boys sometimes dressing as girls and vice versa. I would mention how you think it's interesting to experiment and that some people even choose to live their whole lives that way. I would mention that while it used to be very taboo, you understand that it's important for people to be who they are, even if that means doing things differently than the rest of society and that if any of your children ever felt the need to break convention, you'd be there for them. And then be silent for a while. See if he wants to talk. If he does, great, if not, he got the message.
Lol. I caught several of my brothers (I have had 9) trying on our bras around that age. (Of course, being the sister I HAD to make a big deal out of it. lol.) I think it's mostly curiosity than an indication of gender preference.
I think it's easier for girls. We can wear whatever we want (gender-label wise) and the worst judgement to be faced is being called a tomboy... Perfectly acceptable. We get to wear sparkly dresses, skirts, leggings, hair accessories, jewelry.... how much fun is that?? For boys, society insists they dress like boys, so they can't explore their curiosity in the open as much... They get shirts, shorts, and pants. Monotone woooooo-hooo. (There are some great boy outfits, but there just isn't the variety.) Even if parents try to raise their children to break out of the stereotypes, everything in our culture stomps on the idea of boys dressing like girls. (It is changing, but slowly.)
So it could be simple curiosity, and he is just embarrassed that he got 'caught'. I wouldn't push too much to get him to talk to you... Maybe just tell him, "you can talk to me about anything you want, and I won't make you feel bad about it." And leave it at that.
you're a good mom.
rather than a monologue or focused conversation of any sort, no matter how gentle, i think i'd approach this more elliptically. and opportunistically. just keep your eyes open for the right circumstances (a girl doing traditional boy things, or an androgynous model on tv or in a catalogue, or a handsome actor wearing makeup) and make a neutral comment about it, eg 'he's done a good job with that eye liner, hasn't he?' or 'nice to see a woman using a jackhammer' and then let him pick it up if he's inclined. don't push it if he doesn't. just leave the door open.
great lines of communications between kids and parents mean that there is also the choice NOT to discuss until ready. that's the piece many young parents forget.
your son is going to be great no matter how this plays out. it's almost certainly just an inquisitive phase, but he's so lucky in that he's loved and supported no matter what.
khairete
S.
I've never dealt with this, but I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would ask him what he likes about these clothes, that might be a good lead on the conversation. Although, I am sure he will say he likes the fabric, colors etc. Think about it...........who doesn't? You have to admit, girls clothes are so much more interesting than boys clothes.
Just tell him that what he was doing/is doing is normal. Cloths don't have gender.
My son went through a girl clothes phase too. He adores his older cousin that lived with us and she was a real girly-girl. In general, I think society allows girls to fuss over themselves and play dress up in away that boys do not. I think he just wanted to feel fancy. Until any child reaches puberty, it is difficult to sort out what is related childhood exploration and what might be related to sexual maturity. I think it is always good to converse with your child about being open and not embarrassed around mom and dad, but don't assume that it may be indicative of anything more than playing.
i found this. it was interesting and might help:
http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p...
I think that this is more about him finding girl's clothes very interesting in a way he can't quite understand. He just knows that it's not acceptable for boys to wear girls' clothes.
He will probably love to see his girlfriend or wife dressed in stuff like this when he is a grown man. The difference in him and other boys is that the other boys don't care much about this.
When my son was in 1st grade, he had a friend who enjoyed his sister's underwear drawer. He wanted to show the panties to my son, and my son knew that wasnt the right thing to do. (My son had no interest in getting in trouble. Not sure if he was interested in the panties, LOL!) I wouldn't be one bit surprised if the kid had tried them on, to be honest.
Your son is very curious. I guess that if I were in your shoes, I'd ask the ped how best to handle it, so that you don't say something to make him feel more embarrassed about something he doesn't really understand.
