I am not sure if independant is the word I am really looking for, but I dont know any other word. Lately he is thinking I am questioning his thinking when I want to learn what he is doing or just ask him a simple question. He knows I love him to death and that I support ALL of his idea's but lately he is getting edgy.
Example- last night we were picking up supplies to build my sisters Guinea pig cage. No problem. I asked a simple " what are we going to use for the siding?" question. He snaps at me and says that I am second guessing him... Wth I was just asking to be more knowlagable. It damn near broke me into tears the way he said it. The rest of the night he wouldn't let me help him, until he got so mad he started to freak! Then when I did help he got really rammy and hit the puppy... I was already upset from earlier and just broke... It wasnt that I snapped but I told him that either he settled down or I was just going to accidentally hit him with something! I know I probably shouldn't have said it but really! He is progressivly getting more like this and when I talk to him about it he doesn't see what he is doing hurts. Yeah I am probably more emotional about it then I should be, but how am I supposed to help him if 1) he wont let me ask questions and 2) he gets "dickish" as I call it when I do help? Honestly I don't know what to say to make him understand.
Anyone got advice!
And just to add. I love him no less. I would never think about leaving him for this, I just want to help him understand! He would change the way he worded stuff if I could make him understand. I know him enough he is not trying to hurt me, he is just not thinking!
More examples are cleaning the GP cage. I ask him why he is doing it that way, says I am questioning his cleaning skills. I usually do it so when he was doing it different yeah it did look weird! just trying to figure it out.
When he cooks I ask him what he is doing and he says don't worry about it or I don't trust him. (im pretty sure you all know by now I CANT COOK) trying to learn but no!
Yes I do correct him when we go out and he does not dress properly. which I think was the start of this. we would go somewhere nice and it was ripped jeans and a crappy stained shirt.
I can question anything, and its that I am questioning his ability. And no hitting the puppy was not on purpose. We then tied him up because he was in the way. Maybe I do question him a lot but after a year of living with him... I would like to know WHY he does things the way he does! I can have him make you a list of things that bother him. That I have "questioned" him about.
I also never in this post said he kicked Dozer. What happened is he went to put a side of the cage down and when he turned it hit him... Love how people imagine something and expect it to be true. He didn't even see him so I know it was NOT on purpose. (plus he felt sincerely bad after doing so)
You're already showing classic signs of Stockholm Syndrome. You ranted about his behavior. But then when you received negative comments (toward him) you defended him. Please get out of this relationship. NOW! He will not change or get better. He is an abuser. Someday he will simply hit you whenever you "question him".
The problem I have is that he got upset and hit the puppy. WTH??? If he hit the puppy he has an anger problem that needs to be addressed. What if he got made at one of the kids?
I guess you and he need to have a conversation about his behavior.
Sorry, not sure where you grew up, but where I come from boys who hit puppies are scumbags. Really makes no difference whatsoever WHY they hit a puppy.
:(
ETA: I'm sorry C., I thought you wrote he "got really rammy and hit the puppy". Oh right, you DID write that, not that it was an accident. Thus all the strong responses.
you wrote "Then when I did help he got really rammy and hit the puppy.."
it sounds like thats what he did and now you're defending him? i mean if the cage fell on the puppy by accident you wouldnt have included that
if your swh is true and he didnt hit the puppy on purpose then perhaps it's your tone. i know at times i have a tone when i ask questions "why are you cleaning the cage like that" can come off as condescending and mean and not J. inquisitive.
Maybe stop questioning everything he does?
BUT if your writing is how he is it seems like he is a jerk and you should be glad you;re not pregnant
Sounds like the boyfriend I had at your age. He was terrible. I never realized how abusive he was until I left him.
It isn't that he isn't thinking. He doesn't care. Why be with someone that doesn't treat you like a queen? Life is too short.
Sorry, but any man who bit my head off for asking questions in my own house would have to go.
And if you hit my dog, I WILL bust your head open.
Okay here's the thing:
He is who he is. He is not going to change. You will not "make him understand" anything. Those are the words of many naive, young women (and sadly some older ones as well.) He's not married to you therefore he can do whatever he wants, and he knows that.
You are really young, and kind of all over the place with boyfriends and puppies and jobs and wanting another baby and who knows what else. How about SLOWING down, and focusing on yourself a little bit? This is said out of genuine concern, not to make you feel bad. Boyfriends come and go but you will be with YOU forever. Ask yourself what you want, and what kind of example you want to set as a mother. I don't think it is to "love" a man who snaps at you and brings you to tears.
You are making a lot of excuses for him and that is the first sign that this relationship is lopsided. For whatever reason you need him more than he needs you and he knows it.
I hate to say it but he's getting the milk for free as it is, he really has no reason to try harder or to change, he's free to walk away anytime, with no social or financial repercussions. You REALLY need to think about that. That's not a moral or religious judgement, that's just a cold, hard fact :(
Well gee, he has an issue with his sense of self.
He sounds insecure.
And he seems to have, a set idea about what a man does and what a woman cannot ask a man. Or he feels hen-pecked.
It is his hang up.
He is immature.
You cannot make a person change or understand. Even a Psychologist cannot "fix" someone.... unless they want to or can want to.
So then you have to take it, or leave it.
And he will always be like that, probably.
This sounds co-dependent.
He hit an innocent puppy because he was angry? Sounds like a complete a-hole. Real men don't act like that.
If you're going to stay with him, please please considering finding a better home for your poor puppy. And find a good counselor because you both need it.
Added: Stop defending this man in your SWH! You listed many reasons why he isn't a quality guy. The puppy was just one thing. There are many more. You are too young to face the rest of your life being treated like garbage. Get. Out. Now.
He hit the puppy?!?! WTH did the puppy do to deserve that?!
if you will not see what you wrote then it's useless to even respond. your post said he hit the puppy. so he hit the puppy. let's put that aside...he has been snapping at you. you threaten to hit him...
does any of this seem healthy to you?
yes you love him, but you probably think you can't do better than him.
yes, you can do better than him.
but i can't tell you that, nor can anyone else. if you are ok living with someone who is not patient with you, or snaps easily, or gets irritated easily, then great. i couldn't live with someone like that. i need to be respected and treated well for me to share my life with that person. but i can't teach you that. you need to realize it yourself.
I really don't like the sounds of this. Not sure what you mean by "rammy" but the part about hitting the puppy would have had me sending him packing if it was something he did on purpose. Not sure how long you've been with him but maybe now he is starting to show his true colors and he's not the person you thought he was. If you are really determined to stay with him, consider couples counseling to help with the communication issues.
First of all, ime, men (even young ones) don't like someone "up their butt" all the time. Let him be...let him do what he's doing when he's doing it.
Second of all, I have two young nieces that I talk to about their love life issues and the thing that I always tell them about relationships is this: Before you're married is the easiest it's ever going to be.
It shouldn't be that hard.
Think long and hard about hitching your wagon (that includes having a baby with) any man that's so quick to fly off the handle. It'll make for a nice long life!
Good luck.
How long have you been together?
If he is truely an abusive jerk then you are through the 'honemoon' period of your relationship. He was sweet and polite and thoughtful and ..... and that was just an act to get you to love him. Now that you do love him and cannot think of life without him --- he knows he has you snarred and his real personality comes out.
Or he's got some pressure at work and isn't talking about it.
Either way you need to start examining this relationship. Has he been subtle controling you all along and you didn't notice because he was sooooo sweet and you wanted to make him happy. One for instance he likes Mc Donalds and you like Burger King but he convinces you that McDonalds is better or Coke VS Pepsi he likes one you like the other but he convinces you that his choice is better. The manulipulation often starts that small but as soon as he can see he can manulipulate you --he's got you.
It's bad enough he hit the puppy and yelled at you in a store. Wake up and take a look deep inside this relationship. Don't wait until he starts hitting you or the kids.
Red flags are up -- heed them.
All I can say is that I'm relieved that you're not trying to have a baby with this guy right now, and I really hope that you reconsider breaking up with him. You sound like a classic abused spouse except for the lucky part about not being legally tied to him through marriage.
If you had a friend come to you with everything you've said about him, what would your advice be? If you read this post from someone else what would you say? Do you really love him, or the idea of being a family and you would hate starting from scratch? From your profile information you're ONLY 22 years old. Get out now before you and your son are tied to this creep forever. If he can beat on a defenseless puppy and snap at the supposed woman he loves, what else is he capable of? That's not love, and he doesn't deserve yours. Nothing you say will "make" him change.
EDIT: You REALLY need to read your own words. It's all about how horribly he treats you and abuses the dog but then you make excuses for him. Classic, classic battered woman syndrome. I'm serious about this and very concerned and more especially concerned for your son. If he'll lash out and harm your puppy, a BABY animal, he could do the same thing to your 4 year old son. And to YOU. Get on ironclad birth control if you have to stay with him, but even better, dump him.
"I am not sure if independant is the word I am really looking for, but I dont know any other word. Lately he is thinking I am questioning his thinking when I want to learn what he is doing or just ask him a simple question. He knows I love him to death and that I support ALL of his idea's but lately he is getting edgy.
Example- last night we were picking up supplies to build my sisters Guinea pig cage. No problem. I asked a simple " what are we going to use for the siding?" question. He snaps at me and says that I am second guessing him... Wth I was just asking to be more knowlagable. It damn near broke me into tears the way he said it. The rest of the night he wouldn't let me help him, until he got so mad he started to freak! Then when I did help he got really rammy and hit the puppy... I was already upset from earlier and just broke... It wasnt that I snapped but I told him that either he settled down or I was just going to accidentally hit him with something! I know I probably shouldn't have said it but really! He is progressivly getting more like this and when I talk to him about it he doesn't see what he is doing hurts. Yeah I am probably more emotional about it then I should be, but how am I supposed to help him if 1) he wont let me ask questions and 2) he gets "dickish" as I call it when I do help? Honestly I don't know what to say to make him understand.
Anyone got advice!
And just to add. I love him no less. I would never think about leaving him for this, I just want to help him understand! He would change the way he worded stuff if I could make him understand. I know him enough he is not trying to hurt me, he is just not thinking!
More examples are cleaning the GP cage. I ask him why he is doing it that way, says I am questioning his cleaning skills. I usually do it so when he was doing it different yeah it did look weird! just trying to figure it out.
When he cooks I ask him what he is doing and he says don't worry about it or I don't trust him. (im pretty sure you all know by now I CANT COOK) trying to learn but no!
Yes I do correct him when we go out and he does not dress properly. which I think was the start of this. we would go somewhere nice and it was ripped jeans and a crappy stained shirt.
I can question anything, and its that I am questioning his ability. And no hitting the puppy was not on purpose. We then tied him up because he was in the way. Maybe I do question him a lot but after a year of living with him... I would like to know WHY he does things the way he does! I can have him make you a list of things that bother him. That I have "questioned" him about.
I also never in this post said he kicked Dozer. What happened is he went to put a side of the cage down and when he turned it hit him... Love how people imagine something and expect it to be true. He didn't even see him so I know it was NOT on purpose. (plus he felt sincerely bad after doing so)"
From just the one scenario, it is impossible to tell what the deal is. It could be that he is an emotional abuser. Or not. It could be that you routinely undermine his decisions and masculinity (with or without realizing it). Or not.
Just one example by itself doesn't give us much to "work with".
You said lately, so he is not always like this?
I agree, give him some space, it sounds like he is stressed out about something and taking it out in the wrong places.
My husband can be a real turd when hes stressed. I just avoid him until he passes his stick. ;)
Your love is not in question here. His is. When you love someone you watch over your words so that your words don't hurt the person you love.
Perhaps your "questions" to him are coming off as too motherly and condescending. Men don't like to be mothered. This however gives no excuse for his response to you.
Abusive relationships always begin with how they speak to you. I say get out now while you can. I've not only seen this before but lived it for far too long in m yearly 20's.
You deserve to be with someone who is patient, kind and nurturing. Isn't that what you want for yourself? I love my husband and even when I'm getting on his last nerve, he NEVER EVER speaks to me with anything but respect and I make it a point to do the same with him.
It sounds from this post that both of you need to practice communication and especially how to communicate in an effective way. If you can't sit down and discuss this issue with him, then it would really help to get a relationship coach for a few sessions. A relationship coach will teach you both how to really listen to the other person.
I usually find that if someone is over reacting to something I am saying, it usually has very little to do with me directly and has more to do with the person's past and how my method of speaking to them is "pushing their buttons" due to a previous negative relationship or experience. If I and the other person can identify the "button" that is being pushed then we can work together to communicate differently.
For example, I realized that whenever my husband would make an offhand comment about the state of cleanliness of the house, that I was taking it extremely personally and snapping at him in a negative way that was WAY out of proportion to the comment. When we talked about it, I realized that I was feeling overwhelmed and negative about the house without realizing it consciously. So when he said something, all my bad feelings were welling up to the surface very suddenly. We discussed that it would be better for me if he just jumped in and did something that was bothering him rather than point it out first.
Good communication is KEY TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. It takes a lot of work from both people. Even if you love someone, bad communication will destroy the relationship. So work hard, get him involved, and if nothing changes or he is unwilling get out before it hurts your self esteem any more.
