Boyfriend Won't Meet My Kids

5 months is early to meet kids in my head, espcially if he has already lost kids from a previous relationship. His kids are older and may be able to make that separation. You have to remeber that when you date someone with kids, you are in a relationship with them AND the kids. That can be unnerving. Maybe suggest a cookout and have all the kids come!

You have only been dating this man for 5 months-if you introduce him to your kids and then he is gone next month, what message does it send your kids?. Until you are ready to make this relationship permanent -engagement and marriage, you should not get your kids involved because they may build attachments and then have disappointment. Your kids should be your primary focus. His kids are of adult age so that is a different situation. He probably doesn't want to risk establishing a relationship with your kids and then having things not work out between the two of you. Good Luck!

There's really no reason for your kids to meet him (or for him to meet them) at this point. It's only been 5 months, which is really the blink of an eye. His kids are adults, so (as pps have said) there's really no comparison.

The only thing I would be concerned about his his unwillingness (or inability) to communicate his thoughts/feelings about this with you. If he wasn't ready to meet your kids, he shouldn't have made a plan to do so... and you shouldn't be guessing "What does this indicate?" He should be talking to you about this.

That said... I have been dating a man for over a year and JUST introduced him to my son in person a month or so ago. This was AFTER him hearing his name in conversation, being told "I'm going to visit ____", seeing him in pictures or our vacations, and talking to him on the phone. AND he's still "our friend" because my son (4) kind of thinks that when people are boyfriend and girlfriend they're going to get married.

Relax and enjoy your relationship... and your kids... just not together until EVERYONE is ready.

HTH
T.

I think it means he is scared. I also think he is smart. Until HE is comfortable and very sure that your relationship will be a permanent one, why would you want your kids to get attached to him? If he has reservations, wait until he is ready. JMHO, but if you are still dating him, say, 5 months from now and he still doesn't want to meet them, I would move on because he obviously isn't looking for a commitment. Hope it all works out for the best!

I personally don't think it is wise to bring a man around your children, in this day and age it is not safe. His kids are grown, your's are not. Kids get easily attached and then if things don't work out they are the ones that get hurt. I think you should finish raising your kids before worring about having a boyfriend. J.

It's only been 5 months. His children are grown, yours are not. There is a lot more to risk in the relationship for everyone where you and your children are concerned. You cannot consider any relationship you are in as just involving you. Think about how you feel when you break up with someone, then put those feelings onto your kids. That's what happens when parents "date". I speak from experience, as my mother has been married 5 times, dated countless men, and pretty much didn't consider our emotional well-being much at all. It sucks.

Take your time. You are NOT dating - not at this stage. You are looking to find a potential life partner. If you decide to 'date' for simple fun and companionship, your children don't need to meet those people. When you are at the point in the relationship where getting engaged is a topic of conversation, then intro the kids, have a long engagement, and take it from there.

Hopefully marriages will last a lifetime, but they don't always. Your kids are yours till you die.

I think it indicates he's a wise man. I have to agree with him, Susan and Julie below. Your kids don't need the drama of a new relationship. They need as much stability as you can provide and the dating scene isn't stable under the best of circumstances. You should leave them out of that part of your life and put all your attention into raising them. Your love life can wait another 9 years, and if he's really a good guy, he will too.

I think he knows what's right--for him. Respect that and don't be in a hurry to introduce any guy to your kids until it's "engagement" serious. His kids are significantly older than yours and are sure to handle it better.

After reading previous responses, here's my 3 cents:

1) I suspect he's far from noble and moral as some suggest. If he were truly avoiding meeting the kids for altruistic reasons, he would have told you so right off the bat. In fact, a truly faith or morals motivated man is the type of gentleman who would have made his intentions concerning you and your relationship very clear, and naturally, the discussion on how involved he would be involved with the kids would have been discussed early on. If he were really putting off meeting the kids because he's the type that believes you only do this if you intend to make the relationship permanent through marriage, you'd know this from day one. Based on what you've shared, it sounds like he's never told you he's saving himself for serious committment and marriage (paternally speaking) so I'd nix the "he's moral and good" theory right now.

2) He's at an age where many men have outgrown their paternal need to raise a family and the emotional stresses and demands that come with that. He is at the age where many men are more interested in companionship. Perhaps this reaction is more telling about his true intentions for his relationship with you...perhaps he merely enjoys your company and friendship, but doesn't want to lead you on by becoming involved with your children because his ultimate intentions aren't long-term. He'll stay until the emotional demands become to great. With that said, I'd ask him a lot more questions about this previous relationship. It could be a litmus for your current relationship. To me it sounds like he might not be there for you for the long haul..and if that's what you're hoping will come from this new relationship, you might want to keep this possibility in the forefront. Ask yourself why did things end? Was he truly emotionally tied to those kids as he says? Or is that a pat answer he gives everyone? I know one thing, many men STILL have reservations about getting involved with woman who have children. It takes a special guy to consider this arrangement. Usually, when they make the decision to go there, and if they truly bond with the kids, the relationships will end in committment. Clearly, his didn't. You need to find out why. There are a lot of "dogs" out there, who don't care where they score some action. Even if it means sadly hurting a mother and her family.

3) Dove tailing with the previous suggestion, if it turns out it wasn't him, but his ex who called it off, yet he claims he was all into the kids, but now he's all leary to get invovled with yours, is it possible he did something or something happened involving the ex's kids that would have got him into trouble? On the surface he may seem great, but maybe he was verbally or emotionally abusive? Who knows...but I'd want to know what the deal is with him and kids. Especially if he acts weird around children in general etc. Maybe he's not being up front with you about something.

You've only been dating him for 5 months. I think that's too early to have your children meet him. Like some other moms have said, his kids are adults. They are more capable of understanding "dating" and that sometimes "dating" someone doesn't lead to a permanent relationship. They will be far less affected by dad "seeing" a nice woman that they like if things don't work out.
Younger kids have a harder time with that. I've seen it with kids of some friends of mine. They are of the opinion that it's them AND their kids or it's nothing. That's fine to an extent, but I don't think kids need to meet every man that you go out to dinner with maybe once or twice then there's a different one next week. It takes time to figure out if you even like seeing a movie with a person, let alone want to persue a serious relationship with them. I personally don't think kids need to be involved in all those ups and downs.
I'm not saying you've done that at all, but 5 months is early, in my opinion, and it seems to me the man you're seeing is very aware of what can happen when kids and adults get attached but things don't work out. I wouldn't assume that he doesn't care about you or doesn't think that you have really nice children. I would assume the opposite. Maybe he cares enough not to want to rush things where your kids are involved.
I don't think backing out of a planned outing was nice at all, especially if he didn't come right out and tell you it's because he was afraid or thinks it's too early.
I would relax for now about him meeting your kids. You say your kids really want to meet him so they are aware you are seeing him. Maybe he's worried about their perception of what his place in your life is, etc.
If you're both talking marriage and he's afraid to meet your kids, that's obviously a problem. But, if you are just at the "dating" stage, I would have an honest conversation with him about how he's feeling regarding meeting your kids. If he thinks it's just too early, that's not a bad answer.
That's just my opinion.

Of course, everything isn't all up to him and if you feel that after 5 months a man should be getting involved in your kids lives and won't, then you can end the relationship and be glad that your kids weren't involved, no harm done.
I've been single for 14 years. By choice. But, I've dated. My dids didn't even know. I've gone out to dinner and dancing when my kids were with their dad or spending the night with friends. I didn't tell my kids "I went here and there and we did this and that"....of course kids are going to want to go too. But I can't tell you how many times I knew after one meal with someone, that I had no interest in seeing them again. There was no reason for my kids to even know I went to dinner.
I've had one serious relationship since my divorce. And it was serious. I met him through mutual friends and I was so protective of myself and my kids, I didn't even give the guy my phone number for 3 months. I called him. We talked and went out, I really liked him. One day when he was at work, I called and left a message. The only thing I said was my phone number. We saw each other for a year before I introduced the kids and they fell completely in love with him. We wanted to get married. His parents were elderly and his mother fell ill so he moved away to take care of them. Emotionally, it hurt worse than my divorce because we loved each other and we got along so well. It devastated my kids. I couldn't blame him for racing home and doing right by his folks, but it ripped our hearts out. He never did marry anyone else and neither have I. The last time I talked to him he said leaving us was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life.
We got word he passed away unexpectedly last November.
I'm not sorry my kids had the time they did with him because he was so amazing and showed them so much love. But, I wish I could have spared them how much it hurt when it was over. And it did hurt.
Anyway, like I said, I would relax a bit about it for now.
He may be worrying that once he meets your kids, that means that committment is required and maybe after only 5 months, he's not sure what the perameters of that "committment" means.

I wish you the best, I really do.
Sometimes the best things are the ones you slow down and take your time waiting for.

I agree with others, until it is very serious you might think about waiting. Unless you know, that he will be around for years to come...why have your children get attached to a man who could exit their life? If you both come to the conclusion that a life commitment will be made, that would be appropriate. If not, they will end up just getting attached and hurt. I wonder, why you told them about him after just 5 months? Now they want to meet a man, who possibly won't be in their lives in the future. To me, it sounds like they are set up for being hurt. Not saying, that was your intention. However, you are an adult and can justify and process a man exiting your life. You can understand the reasons for a relationship not working. Children don't process like that, they just get hurt.

I never included my daughter with someone I was just dating. I felt it just wasn't worth both of us having mixed feelings and confusion. So if he isn't ready, then you should wait or just not date him. You don't mention how serious your relationship is, but if it is serious, it will just take that much longer to move forward because your kids and he will need time to get to know one another as well.

In my opinion, 5 months is a long time to have someone be an important part of your life and for you to have to live 2 separate lives.

In my opinion could be 2 things.
Either he is just a little stress about meting your kids (what if they don't like him, what about if you don't like how he is around them, he doesn't know what to say or act, he had bad experience before his his ex and kids, etc) or maybe he is just not ready to settle down and doesn't want to involve the kids in case things don't really get serious.
His kids are older and can understand if things doesn't work out between you, but since your kids are young they will have a bigger effect if you stay together or not.
I would talk to him, and ask him what are his feelings. Don't ask: "Hey, are we serious enough for settle down and met my kids?"
But more like why he is not comfortable.
Good look

Tell him that if he won't meet your kids then you'll have to separate and go your own ways; your kids are a part of your life and if he really loves you, he needs to accept them and spend time with them too.

I think he's done raising kids and is not interested in raising any more. He's close to 50 yrs old. 10 more years of child raising will make him 60. He's very likely ready for grand children every once in awhile, but not the day in day out responsibility of school and teen attitudes. If you are looking for a dinner out once every so often, he sounds like a good match. If you are looking for a family man, one who interested in being an active part in your family - keep looking.

It sounds like he's not clear yet about whether he's committed to you, and all that comes along with you, for the long run. If that's the case, it's wise that he does NOT meet your children. When I was 8, my mom dated a wonderful, delightful, charming, affectionate man that my sisters and I fell in love with. He was everything we could have wanted in a daddy (we didn't remember our bio dad). I could hardly wait for the days he'd come around and play with us, take us for picnics, play board games with us in the evening. It was so delicious.

And then he left. My mom started hinting about marriage after they'd dated for perhaps a year, and she conceived a baby with him. But it turned out he was already married, and he just stopped coming around.

I've had a challenging life, with many disappointments. But that abandonment stands far above all my other experiences as THE single most devastating event, the one that gouged my emotional landscape the most deeply, that took the most work to overcome so I could eventually feel worthy enough or trust a man enough to fall in love. I was deeply depressed for at least a year after Wally left. I'm still sad enough for tears when I think about it more than 50 years later.

Just sayin'.

I think in his mind meeting your kids is a serious step and maybe he considers it more of a committment to the relationship and he is not ready. why not ask why? If he NEVER wants to meet them that is a problem but if he is holding off till he assesses his true feelings for you , you'll have to wait him out.

Hi, M.:

You don't wait. Move on with your life.
Good luck.
D.

Maybe he really isn't interested. He may not be able to face the reality that he is going to be a possible "father figure" again for younger kids. He mentally might not be prepared to face that. It's like starting over for him, so as long as he can date you and "forget" that you have them, he is ok with that. Hopefully one day he comes around to the idea, otherwise, I am not sure how long you want to have him doing that. On the other side, is there some other reason he doesn't want to see them. Is he hiding something? Does he just want you and not your kids. Sit with him and ask him. That's the only way you will know for sure.

Yes your kids are young but they are not babies. They have to know that mom is dating someone and wondering why they don't get to meet him. When you say that you spend alot of time with his kids what do you mean?

I think he needs to man up and meet the kids. Our kids are our lives and if he cant grasp that then I would move on.

I agree with some of the other posters, I think it is too early. His kids are adults...yours are still kids...and at pretty sensitive ages to boot.

HOWEVER, I don't like one bit that he is sending mixed signals. Planning an outing and cancelling is not okay. It gets your hopes up and gives a bad message to your kids (if they knew about the plans). You two need to make a plan together and set a timeline that he is comfortable with. If he can't commit to that, then I would consider moving on if you want a meaningful relationship.

I would ask him lets have a day with your kids. Your kids are your life. If he makes another backed out thing dump him. Your kid are young and today our kids need us so much.

I would say that until you are VERY serious I would wait. Maybe ask him what his reservation is too. It never works to assume you know, maybe it is more simple than a past relationship problem, maybe he is afraid it will change your relationship. The bottom line is, what is your plan with this man for the future? You don't want to introduce your kids to different men all the time ya know. Just ask him what the reservation is, then decide how to proceed after you have more specific information.

Good luck!

Ok i personally dont think it should matter the age of the child. It doesn't matter if the child is an adult or not. Adult children can create a bond with the SO just as a minor child. So that's rubbish wjat others are saying. On top of it there is not set time where he/she shouldn't meet the children. Its when your both ready. Its stupid some people say five months is to early.

It indicates that boyfriend is a respectable person with morals.

Why do your children want to meet him? Your children should not even know about his existance at this time.

You should be dating him for at least a year before you introduce him to your children. You should not be bringing strange men in and out of your children's lives. What happens if one or both of your children becomes attached to this man and then you break off the relationship? Then you start another relationship and the same thing happens?

I'm speaking from experience. Your children to not need various men coming in and out of their lives. I hated it, so did my brother, and so did my best friend who's parents were divorced.