Boyfriend Says He Doesn't Want More Kids

It might just be scary to him since he's had a bit of his work stability taken away recently. Once his work situation gets more stable, he might switch back to a maybe. From the sounds of it, you've been saying you wanted more and he was saying maybe, but you were hearing yes. Before you commit to marriage, it might be best to have an honest conversation about this HUGE decision!

Hi S.,

Maybe you two could have the discussion with a third party, like a counselor? Then you could get to the roots of the issue for both of you, hopefully in a non-confrontational way. I think that if he truly doesn't want more kids, and you want to be with him, then you must ask yourself if you can let that dream go, and be ok with it. Maybe seeing a counselor on your own would help.

This is only my perspective, based on watching my own parents' unhappy relationship, but I think that the recipe for a happy marriage is two people whose life goals and values match, and if you two aren't moving in the same direction, you owe it to yourselves, and your children, to let go and find someone who is.

I'm sorry you are facing this painful situation, and wish you all the best.

I agree with a previous post, BIG RED FLAG!! I wouldn't make anymore plans about getting married until you BOTH come to conclusion about having another child. Worst scenrio, you get married and get pregnant, it will cause resentment towards you from him, or you get married and don't have another child and you resent him. He has never said he wanted another child, just "maybe", whereas you always have , but you can't force someone to live a life they don't want!! It's not fair to either of you!!!

Big red flag. This is something you need to talk to him about. If you can't come to something you feel good about in you heart it may be a big deal. And the same goes for your husband.

This economy is really effecting us all. The question you may ask him is would he feel the same if the economy was better?

This is BIG BIG BIG deal. My Aunt and (favorite ever in the universe) Uncle were getting divorced over this issue when he was killed (not by her). It actually isn't an uncommon issue at the divorce table.

I would take a week and seriously think about all the angles from YOUR point of view for at least a week. Think obsessively. Would you be happy never having another baby? Is it "A" baby, or HIS baby that you want? Is it a baby v siblings for your first? What if your soon-to-be was in a car accident or radiation treatment and could never have any more children (please god, in that scenario, lets assume the rest is undamaged), would you still want more? What if you had to wait five years or ten?...how do you perceive you'd feel about waiting?

ETC, ad nauseum.

Once you have all the answers that are true to your own heart, talk with him. If you are still at logger-heads, I would think some more...and then see a counselor and as many trusted friends as I had.

The idea of future children can be an absolute for some people. It can destroy happiness, if not the actual marriage. I've seen people (friends) get past it, at least temporarilly...ask me again in 10 years. I've seen people (in my family) come to divorce over it. It's a big deal, and deserves to be treated as one.

When you say "move on & deal with it" does that mean coming around to his point of view? Or does that mean getting past his hurdles until he is at your point of view?

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), these are all questions only you can answer. The upside, of course, is that I find once I have answered all my questions I replace torment with a happy, secure sense of...well...whatever. :)

I will say I'm in the opposite boat right now...my husband has decided that he wants more children since he "missed out" on our son. Nope. Sorry. Not going to deal with cancer treatment again(i get hormone driven cancer when pregnant) because you decided to only be home maybe 6 hours a week for 5 years. Oddly enough, at one time I wanted anywhere between two and nine kids (preferably multiple births)...i know, I'm nuts...and he only wanted one. Now I'm reeeeeaally happy with just our one. BUT ..and here is where personal sharing relates...a large part of it has to do with the fact that my husband isn't a family kind of guy. He doesn't love kids, laugh with them, play with them, dote on their mamas...he wants alone time. Some of what YOUR husband COULD be feeling in addition to the economy, wedding stress etc, COULD be him putting you in his exes shoes. If he essentailly raised his seven year old on his own, he might not want to do that again. Or he could be afraid of either or both of your kids feeling supplanted by the "real" child. Hate that term, but kids invent it because it happens.

Anyhow, lots of issues, lots of questions. Good luck in finding the best answers to yours, and peace and happiness in those answers!!

Hi S.,

I can certainly understand your side as well as his and it is a difficult situation. Since raising a child takes so much in the way of financial and emotional resources I think if one partner says no more then the default should be no more.

Have you talked about what he wants to do when he's in his 50s or 60s? Does he want to keep working or does he want to retire if he can? Maybe if you understand what he sees the two of you doing for the rest of your lives it may help to understand.

How about your dreams? What do you want to do for the rest of your life? Do you have things that you've always wanted to do?

If you have a child within the next couple of years, you will probably still be supporting that child into your early sixties. Instead of having saved a little money to doing things together you will probably still be paying for (or helping to support) a child in college. Most kids aren't on their own these days until they are in their mid twenties even if they don't go to college.

As a person in my late 50s I can tell you that I love my children and enjoyed raising them but I'm glad I only had two. The teenage years can be very expensive and draining emotionally even with good kids. I am very happy that they are both grown and on their own and now I finally have some time and money to do some of the things I want to do before I die.

If your boyfriend is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you will probably spend many more years with him than you will with your children. You may regret breaking up over not having another child. Children grow up and may move away to another part of the country where you will only see them a few times a year.

Some other things to consider that may help you feel less resentful and unhappy about not having more children

Blended families are tricky - You may have your hands full as your children get older just with the two you have.

You will have time and energy to be a better parent with the children you have.

If you love children, you can use any extra time and resources to do something to help other children as well as the ones you already have by volunteering to help at school, be a girl or boy scout leader, coach a team, be foster parent, etc.

Consider it being unselfish, responsible and ethical with the world's overpopulation problem to only replace yourself.

I hope these thoughts provided a different perspective to consider.

Best wishes for peace and happiness!