Bossy Classmate, What to Do

I work as a playground monitor at my daughters school. I've noticed that especially with 1st and 2nd graders, there is a period when some of them are unclear about what's ok and not ok on how to treat others. There are some children who will 'report' every thing to me. There are others who feel they have the right to 'be the boss' of everyone. Usually, it only takes a talk or two to explain to them that thats not ok. I don't see anything wrong with you talking to the teacher again. Someone (either a teacher or lunch monitor) does need to be diligent about keeping an eye on the situation but at the same time, it is also you childs responsibility to let an adult know when they feel they're being pushed around.

It's hard when generally well-behaved, good kids make a mistake at school. It shocks and embarrasses them. One day last week my 4th grader cried the whole walk home from school with me because her teacher told her and her good friend they were getting "5 minutes on the wall" which means 5 minutes off recess play for talking. DD cried and cried because this meant her name was on the board, and she NEVER had that happen to her. She knew it would cause conversation for her classmates to see her name on the board because she isn't a regular troublemaker, and she was dreading all the attention around it. And she complained EVERYONE was talking, it wasn't fair SHE got in trouble. And as gently as I could I talked to her about that she is still accountable for her own choices even if everyone else is doing the wrong thing too. It's like the person who gets caught speeding even though everyone else is doing it. It's still wrong. DD cried about never wanting to go back to school too. But she got over it and she went the next day and now all is fine. If your son got a warning, he is probably shocked and embarrased and angry at the bossy kid for provoking him. Once he's calmed down you could talk with him about how he would like to handle the situation at school. Coach him with some come backs to Mr. Bossy. If he's still stressing about it, ask if he wants a little help talking to his teacher about finding some other solutions to help. Then I would go in with him before class and have a little sit down with the teacher to ask for some help in finding a way to be comfortable at school around the bossy kid. Maybe the teacher will switch his table assignment and/or keep them in separate work groups and areas in the classroom. Have your son invite some different kids he likes for playdates.

such a tough thing to watch. i applaud your commonsense realization that your very natural desire to intervene and protect your cub is too much, but it's also just not an option for any good mom to see her child this upset and not do something.
good for you for giving the teacher a heads-up. let her be your ally in this.
you really can't approach the child directly, not over this. think how you'd feel if another mother did it to your son. but you CAN work with your son on ways of handling the bossy kid, ways of asserting himself without being confrontational, ways which suit his own personality. if he's got a great sense of humor, he can defuse it by using that. if he's articulate, you can practice back-and-forth (good debate tactics) so that he can talk it through. if he's shy, work on personal shielding and how to hold his ground nonverbally and have good boundaries. help him realize that if things get rough, he can always go to a teacher or school authority for help. all these skills will help prevent this from becoming a recurring issue.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I'd talk with the school counselor and see if (s)he would be willing to talk with both of them. However, if this kid's personality is such that he bosses everyone around, I doubt that a single session with a counselor is going to change him.

I suggest that you help your son to either work on not taking this personally or that he change to a different table.

A book that might help with knowing how to deal with this is How to Talk So Kids Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They have helped me learn how to word conversations so that it's easier for my grandchildren to share their feelings and work out solutions.

I work in an elementary school. I understand the kid who wants the points, if your kids is talking or not cleaning up when he should be. However, telling the teacher that your son got a warning was not his business. I am always clear with kids in school about what it tattling and what is telling, and the teacher needs to have told the other boy that this is not his business. I've had kids turn their cards for tattling/meddling. Sure you could ask the teacher to have the lunch monitors change your son's table, but if he is actually talking or not sitting down at any table, he may get the same reaction from classmates. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything about the tattling and the teacher will have her own policy. The best way to avoid that embarrassment is not to behave in a way that will get you a warning again. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but what your post fails to acknowlege is that your son did something wrong and his behavior led to the rest.

You asked the Teacher, "what she's noticed."
Well, to me... that is not the question to ask.
Because, probably the Teacher does not see nor know, what is going on during lunch. She is not a lunch Monitor.

So, you need to re-frame your question to her.
And be, clear.
TELL her, that your son came home on the verge of tears... tell her what happened and why. And TELL her, that that boy regularly.... is "pretty tough" on your son, only. ONLY on your son. Even the other kids say so.

You need to make things clear, when questioning the Teacher.
And, note down what your son told you.

AND yes, earning points... can make some kids, very bossy and bully like because all they are thinking of is themselves. Not the "table" as a Team. Point earning, is done to engender "Team" behavior, per table cluster. NOT selfish behavior. THAT... is the point to make with the Teacher.
So, that the Teacher, can speak to that bossy Boy, and correct him/his attitude. Because, the boy is taking this point-earning, in the wrong manner....and he is creating antagonism between classmates. Not team behavior.

THAT is what I would do.

My kids' Teacher, ALL, will talk to the classroom as a whole... and correct or clarify... any misconceptions or attitudes, in their students. So that... the point-earning, is understood.
(my kids' classrooms, has these "point earning" per table clusters as well. AND it is done, in order to build TEAM behavior. NOT selfish behavior. SO, when/if, a kid on my child's table is being incongruous or bossy to the others on that table... the Teacher, DOES correct that child. Because, it does not nurture the table as a Team, but divides, it.) And the whole point to point-earning per table cluster... is that the kids work as a TEAM... not singling out each other or getting points for themselves.

Your son and that boy do not have to be best buddies. BUT, as a classroom or table.... "team" effort is what is expected, in school.
It is not for "you" to correct. And you cannot expect your 2nd grade son, to correct it by himself.
The Teacher needs to know and correct it. Because that bossy Boy... is creating rifts at their table. And, not heeding to the whole lesson of "team" behavior for that table cluster.

I am a Lunch Monitor at my kids' school.
And the kids have table clusters too and point earning PER table cluster. As a Team.
I know very well... what the "lesson" is supposed to be about this whole thing. It is not so the kids compete individually with each other... it is for teaching TEAM... cooperation. And how to get along with others.

You... ALSO teach your Son, how to speak up and what the point is, of table point-earning.

So your kid is in school with Eddie Haskal.....the next time this kid gets bossy with your boy, tell him to say, "Eddie lay off"! By the time the bossy kid figures out why someone is calling him "Eddie", they might already be friends. (Unless the kid's name IS Eddie).

I understand how you feel. My son had a similar situation when he was at a table for 4 in 2nd grade with a boy who had previously been his friend. I think in our situation this boy wasn't nice to my son because of a girl at the table. My son is very smart and was always cracking jokes and this other boy told the girls at the table not to laugh at him. This boy was also a full year older than my son because his parents had held them back from starting Kindergarten so although my son (who is very tall) was the same size, he wasn't as athletic at that time and this boy was very athletic and competitive. I told my son to ignore this other kid but it is hard to do. I did mention it to the teacher and at some point the teacher moved the kids in the class around so they weren't together. You can ask the teacher to move your son's seat. Maybe that will help for now. The good news is that in 3rd grade my son got into football and became very athletic and although he's not best friends with this other boy, this other boy really doesn't bother my son anymore. I did find that 2nd grade was probably the hardest for kids to get along. They seemed to grow up more in 3rd and 4th grade. Meanwhile talk to your son to see if there are ways he can improve his behavior and see if the teacher can separate him from this other boy. Good luck!