Bonding - Allen,TX

K D,

Bless you. Most of us moms have been through or are going through what you are going through with daughters. Some of us are willing to admit that having a teen is NOT all peace and harmony in the household. There are some times that are painful.

Around 10 is when it really starts, it will even out and things will get better.

We have days that are unbelievably peaceful and happy and we still have a few days are from he$$ around here. My daughter gets very moody, especially before her cycle.

There is a book I read not too long ago that helped me understand some of the moodiness and behavior of teens. Their brains are developing and things are happening SO fast in their bodies....they don't understand what all is happening. The book....."Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall" by Anthony Wolf.

Overall, just let her know you are there for her and you support and love her. One thing the book said was that the teens forget why they got mad and snapped at mom or dad and then when they come home or an hour or so later, mom and dad are still hurt and seething. Try to let it go. Pick your conversation times.

So far, things have improved greatly since 10. My daughter comes to me more often now, she has always communicated well about everything...thank Goodnes.

One thing my husband did that helped a LOT. He overheard her sas mouth me very disrespectfully once. He sat her down and told her to never, ever speak to me that way again because not only was I her mother, I am his wife and "No one speaks to my wife that way". That was the end of the sas talk.

Good luck to you.

Not really knowing much about your relationship, I would say it sounds normal. I know as a teenage girl I would try to distance myself from my mom. We were a lot alike and she would get on my last nerve. However, I still enjoyed doing things with her even though I may not have said anything. I would continue doing what you are doing. She will be more appreciative someday. I would not expect a whole lot from her right now because of her age; however, appreciate every moment that you do get.

As a mother of ten children, seven of whom have already gone through this stage, I just want to reassure you that this is normal, and it WILL pass. The challenge right now is to get through it without doing damage.
Don't let her be mean to you. If she starts to be disrespectful, remove yourself or her from the situation. Either cut short the evening, or walk out of the room. Never let her win with her disrespect. Don't allow it, at the same time, do not let it turn into a shouting match. Tell her that was very ugly, and take your 'fellowship' away from her for that moment.
I suspect she is well on her way to puberty, because that's when this stuff usually starts. It'll last a year or two until her hormones even out. A really good book to read is "Preparing for adolescense" (May not be spelled right) by James Dobson.

Honest to goodness, I think it is about your daughter being 10, not about anything you have done. My daughter is NOT exactly doing the same things, but those pre-puberty hormones can make girls do and say things that even they wonder later if they meant! Draw some lines with her, letting her know that there are somethings that are just NOT OK- like the saying things that make you feel badly when you are trying to do something nice, but also give her some room to deal with the hormones. No true advice, just a stick to it, and this too shall pass!

A.

I don't think it has anything to do with bonding. Some of the behavior is probably from peer pressure and the rest is classic preteen. Just don't let her know she has hurt your feelings and keep on loving her through it. It will all work out. If she does't want to do anything try again later. It sounds like she's trying to be in control of her life. P.S. Your not a bad mom. I have a 12 year old and a 16 year old and I have days when I can't stand them either. Just do the best that you can do.

I am giving you the best tool my mom has ever given me when it came to raising my kids. It is a link to the Love and Logic website and it will help you raise a fun loving and responsible kid. It takes a bit of work but in the end your daughter and you will have a great relationship again and it will take your breathe away at how good it works and how much energy you regain. My boys are 14 and 12 and my youngest was beginning to get really bad at listening and throwing fits and slamming doors and acting out so I cried to mom about it how I felt that I was losing control with him. She sent me some cd's to listen to and omg I have used the tools and my son at first was like "who is this mom, she's not yelling at me. Can I have the other one back please?" Bummer and I love you too much to argue are my favorite sangs now. Funny thing is that I hear them do it to each other now too. Well enough talk here ya go and Good Luck!!
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

Oh KD, I feel for you. I know Mama A meant well in her response, but please don't take it to heart. I read that it hurt!

I have a 6 year old and often times I have similiar issues (oh joy if they are going to get worse as her hormones kick in). I have also often felt at times like I didn't bond well enough b/c I worked full time and suffered the baby blues(and now with my 2 year old it is a totally different story). But I think the reality is just personalities. I don't know if it is because they are so much like us or so different that sometimes it is hard to relate. Either way, there is no point in wasting a lot of energy wishing you could change the past - just work on the now and the future.

Anyway, I understand your frustration. I'll take my daughter somewhere fun and it ends up in a fight because she wanted more or something different. Or I'll give her what she wants only to have her whine that although this is what she wanted, she wanted it differently. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean.

I refuse to think that I am a bad mother because of it and I would say the same for you. I don't know what your beliefs are, but praying always helps. Also, enlist your husband's help so you aren't always the bad guy calling her on her behavior. Lay out the game plan before you leave the house so she knows exactly what to expect. Set limits before you go anywhere and set the consequences up front (we recently went with no McD's for 6 weeks b/c she wouldn't behave - it was a shock to her but I had warned her up front. That may seem like a long time but it made an impression and she learned I was serious and heck, it saved us some calories and some money.) I have also seen some improvement since I started pointing her behavior out to her (once we were all calm) and telling her this is why we don't go do things more often or "this is why we can't do xyz now" and asking her if acting the way she did was worth the consequences. The hard part is walking away after that and not lecturing :-).

Sorry to ramble, I just feel your pain - and yes, I love my daughter very much. Feel free to mommy mail me if you need a shoulder and good luck!!!

Sounds like your daughter is suffering from an attachment disorder. Get the book WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH, by Nancy L. Thomas. It will not only help you identify the problem, but give you the solutions to fix it. God bless you!

Hi KD,

My husband and I gave our children the opportunity to earn money for the movies, games or whatever they wanted to do. It wasn't just given to them. They don't appreciate things when it's given to them. They had to clean their bedrooms, do yard work, help in the kitchen, take out the trash or whatever chores needed to be done. If they wanted to go out with friends, they had to have money on the board.

They had a chalkboard with their name on it and every time they did something, they were able to put down what they earned. Mowing got more money because it's harder, so you decide what you will pay them, just don't go over board, if you make it easy to earn the money, then they don't understand the meaning of the dollar. Don't let them half A- - it, make sure you check their work before putting it on the board.

When our son wanted a game, we checked out the cost and then he worked for the money till he had enough and then we took him to buy it, then subtracted it from his total.

So when your daughter wants something, subtract it from her earnings. If you go to the movies and lunch, then take off the amount of her bill only.

Today parents give to much to their children and in return they don't respect it and we wonder why they don't respect us. Don't except her treatment of you, if you let her talk to you disrespectful and still give her what she wants, then she sees it as a way of getting what she wants and will continue.

Talk to each other, not at each other. Set the rules and follow them through. Sure it will be hard at first, but follow through, they don't have the choice, you do.

Love and Light,
Rev. G. Hudson, Reiki Master.

Unfortunately, yes it is possible that the two of you did not bond. It sounds like you were not around really when she was a baby. I am not trying to be judgmental, I understand that your husband was away and we all appreciate his service. However, it seems that you were quite absent as well, since you were working during the day and your mother pretty much cared for her at night. It sounds like the two of you did not bond when she was a baby, when it is so crucial to form that bond. What makes me think that the two of you didn't bond is not so much the way that she is acting toward you, because most of what she is doing is normal behavior for her age and sex. What makes me think the two of you didn't bond is the reaction that you are having and the way that you are feeling toward her. You said "it makes you not want to do anything with her" which really sounds cruel. Your daughter is wating more time with you and your response is that it makes you not want to do anything with you and it feels like a slap in the face. You almost seem insulted that your daugher wants more time with you. I think that your daughter probably really does need more time with you. I think that the two of you didn't bond when she was a baby, and you asked what you could do to change that now. Well, here is my advice of how to change it now. All of that bonding time that you missed out on when she was a baby. All of the time that you were working and your mother was doing night time feeding, you are going to have to give her all of that time back. I think that if you want to recreate the bond that would have developed as she was a baby, you need to spend all the time that you missed then, NOW. I think that your daughter did not get enogh of you then and developed a perpetual "I can't get enough of mommy" though process now. I think that though process will continue throughout her life if you don't do something about it now. What you can do about it now, is spend an enormous amount of time with her. Think of it as making up for lost time then. You need to be having quality mother daughter time frequently. I think you need to spend some kind of time with her every day. If that seems like too much to you, think of it this way. You would have been feeding her every middle of the night for six months, so maybe you could spend the amount of time that you would have spend feeding ehr as a baby, now you could spend it doing something like baking cookies after school, watching a TV show together at night, going shopping on the weekend. Driving throguh Sonic after school during happy hour to get drinks and sitting in the parking lot talking about her day, paint her nails at night, play with makeup together, etc. It can be done. If she wants to go to dinner after the movie, do something about it. If you can't afford to go out to dinner, then anticipate the meal and pack a cooler with dinner in it and eat it together in the park like a picnic on a blanket. Good Luck! You and your daughter can bond now with plenty of time together!