Biting Your Tongue

I guess I am pretty blunt and would not bother biting my tongue, especially with a close relative. I would flat out say "Why do you waste money on this stuff if you can't afford the basics?" It sounds like she needs someone to set her straight, and if her own sister can't bother to do it then who will?

We politely snipe each other. Well that would be my brother and I, some of my extended family I politely snipe them and they just smile because they didn't understand what I said.

I can hold my tongue pretty well but when I find myself biting it I will say something.

sorry I canth anther your quethetion becauth my tongue isth too blood from thith weekend.

I'd not be able to contain it. I am generally very diplomatic, but when I am really pressed I find humor to be a good way to address it.

She wants you to babysit, tell her, "Sure, I'll trade you your new Coach purse for 4 hours of babysitting." Do it with a smile, but don't give in. Enabling irresponsible spending isn't helpful.

I usually just smile and nod... smile and nod. when it starts to get too annoying, I give a quick, "that's nice" before either changing the topic or walking away when they can't shut up about one topic.

I also tend to just give my flat opinion, in a polite way. "Oh, wow! How nice of him to buy you such a nice bag! I'm surprised he thought that was more important than day care." (Well... Kind of polite. Lol.)

The people in my life like this (oh yeah, there are several...) have learned to stick with neutral topics. We talk a lot about the weather.

Are you jealous of her "gifts"? Or are you thankful that you aren't in a boatload of debt and have a husband who feels like he needs to "buy" your love?

It's all in perspective and attitude! :)

Do they complain about not being able to afford daycare? if so - be honest - tell them that new Coach purse or the Tiffany bracelet - would have paid for one week of day care. If they ask you to take care of the kids - barter with her - Tiffany or Coach or both. It's simple. You don't have to be mean. You should NOT hide. And you should NOT run away.

When she starts talking about her new gifts? Ask them what their priorities are. You are itching to fight - but you DO need to clear the air. If you hold it all in? One day you will EXPLODE and it will be NASTY when it all comes out. You do NOT need to nasty or confrontational. Just tell her how you feel.

You can help her find solutions to her problems. Heck ask her - do you want solutions or do you only want to complain about it? There are people who LOVE to play victim. There are people who can't see the forest through the trees in regards to their own behavior.

When she starts complaining about not having enough money for day care - tell her you would love to help her sell some of her stuff on ebay or maybe you can have a joint garage sale - and that will get money in the door!!

It's OKAY to tell her how you feel. Use the I FEEL - not "you did this to yourself". The truth does work. You can do it nicely. You can tell her how you feel, you don't have to hold your tongue. If you talk about her behind her back - it WILL get back to her and that will just cause a bigger stink. Because we know what happens.....when people gossip or talk about others behind their backs? They can STTTTTTTRRRRREEEEETTTCH the truth - tell THEIR version/words and before you know it - she hears "did you know that M said you are a B**CH and irresponsible? She cannot stand being around you."

OOOOOORRR!!! You mind your own business and laugh at her. Really. Laugh at the stupidity of being materialistic. Smile and be thankful you aren't in her boat.....you can MODEL being financial stable. You can MODEL being a great parent and needing the basics...showing the difference between want and need....

Good luck!

It's hard and unlikely you cannot be perfect at it! We ALL are human.

What helps me is to accept the person for who they are. Focus on the things I like/love about them and laugh off the annoying things. The person I have in mind used to get my goat constantly. I took everything she said personally and felt the need for battle. When I realized it was about her and that she was not just focusing on me I could accept this is who she is and blow off her remarks... most of the time. I wait until I get home and vent to my husband. Our relationship is much better since I have come to terms with these things.

If you can accept your sister. She is just who she is. A bit immature, materialistic and co-dependent. That doesn't make you better than her. That makes you different. And that is OKAY! Focus on her sense of humor, her style, her innocence...... whatever you can find. Enjoy that part of her and just accept the other part of her. Love her for who she is.

Lastly, protect yourself when you can. Don't over spend your time with her. Don't put yourself in difficult positions and when you do have to be with her prepare yourself emotionally and plan on how you will handle it. for example if she brags about her new Coach purse be prepared to smile and say something nice. If it makes her happy, after all, is that so bad? If she complains she cannot afford day care, just smile again and say something like, "yeah, it can be tough, but I am afraid I can't help you out this week." You don't have to explain yourself. If she is imposing on other family members then let it go. That has nothing to do with you.

Hang in there. Changing the way you interact with someone may cause initial conflict, but it can lead to a more pleasant relationship in the end.

Best of Luck!

When you find the answer, let me know. My solution was avoidance.

Are we related ?? I have two sisters & I am caught in the middle. They do not speak to each other, and I keep in touch with both. I will be on the phone with one or the other & when I hang up (after an hour) I will yell " HOW WAS YOUR DAY C. ? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I DON'T GIVE A SH** !!! My husband laughs & asks me which sister was that ? Both complain about "no money" & then goes on to tell me about their latest shopping spree or the steak dinner that they had last night at a fancy restaurant. I bite my tongue alot, but I do it because it is family. My Mother always told me to keep peace in the family. I sometimes wish I hadn't listened. I see how unhappy both my sisters are, so I do it. I hope someday your sister wakes up & realizes what she is doing to your relationship. I hope that you have a person in your life that you can vent to. I wish you luck & if someone has a solution, I will read it too..

hiding it isnt the way either. Sometimes just disagreeing is ok and if she wants to have her baby fits in front of everyone, that's her problem. Then everyone else sees the problem too.

If someone has to brag about their possessions they are a jealous of what you have. They are trying to impress you for some reason. If she was truly happy with all those things she wouldnt be showing them to you or discussing it. Her priorities are wrong.

if she starts talking like that, leave the conversation. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and seek out another person to talk to.
My second older sister and I dislike each other very much. I used to be baited by her conversations, and her behavior. Now I try not to let it bug me but occasionally she can really really really make me mad. The nice part about it, is that everyone else is also aware of it, and they know that its not me thats the problem. They usually side with me, but for family sake we placate her with parties and family get togethers. Other than that, we do not mingle for anything.

The best revenge is having your own life together so that you don't have to worry about not being able to pay a bill. She will have fits of rage over it and think you're simply "lucky", which will be hilarious.

Also, do not do childcare and whatnot for her. Don't give her money. You can't help what others choose to do, but you can be busy or have other plans for your cash. Give advice only when she asks, and do it unemotionally.

I don't. If you hide your feelings with family and close friends you end up hating that other person. You have to be open with family.

That doesn't mean be confrontational or blurt it all out. I have a sister who grew up in a different generation. She was raised to be a good mother and housewife. I was raised to get out of school, go to college, have a career, take the kids to child care, etc...different expectations out of life.

So it's natural we're going to have differences in our views and expectations. Her hubby is my age.. They have a lot of different views, especially on religion...she's a Jehovah's Witness and he's devout Southern Baptist, and ways of doing simple things like managing money.

I have told her that he has been taught all his life to pay tithes and give plentiful offerings. She's been taught that bills come first, then savings, then needs, the things like wants and church money. I told her he needs to have a certain amount of his money each month that he does not have to be accountable to her in any way. She still jumps on him when he gives more money than she things he should. She has her own income with her Etsy business and SS but she wants to save more money and have better resources. He just wants to be able to follow his heart when he's at church and feels he should share his wealth. They do okay but are not affluent.

I tell her what I think. Even though I know it won't sit right with her. I want her to have different opinions so that she can make a more informed decision. I expect her to follow her own heart each time but I feel better that I was able to share something with her that might help her to open her mind a tiny bit.

I also have friends that I bite my tongue with but do eventually tell them what I think if the opportunity offers itself. She's my friend, not my family, I want to choose my words with her because we care about each other and want to stay friends. I want to help her if she's having a hard time with stuff but I don't want to offend her. Like parenting. I can see from the outside and perhaps see something that she didn't.

Being family is hard but if you hide your feelings and just let it go over and over and over it doesn't work out in the end.

Just call her every week or so to visit. Build a relationship outside of the get-togethers. Then when you're together you have a better viewpoint of what they're doing and how to accept things easier. It also helps soften her heart towards you so that if you do say anything she'll be more receptive.

First, thank you Lillym! I just got back from a family camping trip with a couple of difficult individuals, and my tongue has bite marks as well. :)

Really, I just chalk it up to that person just being 'them'. Let's face it, in your situation, your sister isn't really wanting advice, she's just being self-indulgent and wants sympathy for making poor choices, at least from outside perspectives. (Maybe she has some strange biological need for Coach and Tiffany that most of us aren't afflicted with.... aren't we the lucky ones?! ;) )

Seriously, though, there was a time this weekend when someone was insistent that their recollection of something ( a very small something) was correct and wouldn't let it go... they kept on and on and ON talking about it. I just chalk it up to 'wow, okay, you're crazytown about this today, so I'm just going to smile and say nothing and you can think what you want and I know the truth'. Instead of arguing about it, frankly, I did just bite my tongue and practiced the 'active ignoring' like I do with my son-- listening for that person to get off their rant and move on to more pleasant topics of conversation. It keeps the peace without either validating or confronting a person whose behaviors I am never going to change.

People will change when they choose to, when they want to, when they realize that what they are doing somehow isn't working for them. I can have compassion for that person because I know their memory is slipping and this is something that they may be highly defensive about-- sometimes a person's conversation is more about reassuring themselves than about being combative, it just may come across that way.

As for the imposing on family members thing, make your own boundaries and only take your sister's kids when it works for your family. There's no reason to feel obligated if she's really capable of getting childcare and is mismanaging her money. And as for the others who are willing to facilitate her 'user' behavior... that's for them to grow a backbone and deal with.

Oh, and a couple of "I'm listening" neutral phrases I like:
"hmmm"
"well, isn't that something"
"guess that's just how it is"
Acknowledges that you are listening without committing to any opinion.

I limit topics of conversation to the weather and sports.

Geez, I could have written your post myself! No advice, but will be eager to read some of the advice you get!

I just decide and choose to have fun with it. Honestly. I have a few particular family members on both sides of the family that I have to do this with. I'm not antagonistic, but I do whatever it takes to amuse myself. :-) I also make sure to accept whatever wine or beer is offered at the event.

Can you put bud earphones in your ears and jam to some music part of the time?

Next time she fusses about not being able to afford daycare, laugh at her and tell her to sell her new Coach purse. Keep laughing when she gets mad at you. Maybe she'll stop talking about his stuff.

If you aren't the one who she is hitting up for daycare, there's nothing you can do about that, but you can call her out on stuff and use laughter as your medium, so to speak. If you continue to laugh about the conversations, she'll go find someone to brag to who won't laugh at her.

I know that's not an answer in regards to biting your tongue, but truly, why do you HAVE to bite your tongue?