Biting

Please call my wife, we have copies of a great book called "What I wish I knew when my kids were young." We give them away to those who want them. Rick and A. ###-###-####
Time outs do not work.

I had a granddaughter who did the same thing. Every time she didn't get her way or got frustrated, she ran straight for her mom and bit her. After trying everything else, the only thing that stopped her was being bit back. I know it sounds harsh, but it worked.

I know this is going to sound really weird, but this age group can't picture themselves in someone else's shoes. When my neices were little and bitting me, I wasn't thinking at all, just automatically bit her back. Must have been the right thing in that specific situation, cause she never did it again. It blew her away that an adult would act like that.

Probably could have handled it much differently and I certainly would handle it differently now because I'm such a different person now. That was 16 years ago. The important thing to understand is that she is frustrated that she can't communicate what she wants. She's doing it to try to get someone to stop long enough to pay attention to her. When you are that age, YOU are the center of the universe and absolutely nothing is more important than that you feel good. Hmm. Sounds like that might be a good truth to adopt no matter what age you are. SO, it will be important for her to understand that you want her to feel good, but at the same time she will feel better about helping you to feel better. How can she help? Won't it feel good to know that she is an important helper in the family. She is important. Show her how to treat you. Say something like "I know you're doing that because you think I'm not listening, Let's figure out a signal that is just between me and you that I will promise you that I will listen when you do that thing" THEN KEEP THE PROMISE.
Love, L.

Hi,

How about putting soap in her mouth? I dont know if you would want to try that. My 2 1/2 year old was biting his baby brother. I stuck a bar of soap in his mouth and told him that if he wanted to bite on something, to bite on that. It happened a couple of times and he hasnt bitten in months. Again, I dont know if you agree with this tactict, but it worked for us. Biting is unacceptable to us.

Hi E.,
Lots of toddlers bite for different reasons. Sometimes it's out of frustration, social contact, defensiveness, stress...Maybe she gets overstimulated and is a child who is easily frustrated. Try to keep a closer eye on things to intervene before frustration levels rise and talk to her in the moment about how to use words to express what she needs. My son occasionally bites when he is tired or hungry and is having trouble changing from one activity to another. I think that he's overwhelmed and can't control his emotions.

From what I have read kids bite because they are out of control and that's scary for them. So what you can to is intervene quickly calmly and firmly. Reassure both the child and the victim and if possible keep both children by your side while you inspect and wash the bitten area with warm soapy water. This way you demonstrating the consequences and seriousness of the behavior. Then make sure the biting cannot be allowed and that you will stop it every time. A child who is out of control and frightened by her own behavior needs to know that adults will help take control until they are able to control themselves.

Encourage, but don't force, the child to comfort the victim with words, hugs or pats. Demonstrate that gentleness and kindness are expected.

Asses what less to the biting and tech alternative actions. Give your daughter words she can use to ask to have a toy returned such as, " Can I have that next" or Is it my turn now?"

Hope this helps!!

Good luck!

Hi E.,

Have you tried putting favorite toys in time-out? Time-outs do not deter my 2 year old, but a favorite toy being put in time-out really works.

Also, constantly reminding my daughter to use her words and not hit has worked pretty well.

In situations where I can see that she is going to get frustrated (i.e. having to wait while two other children have a turn on the swing) I distract her and help her move to a different activity before she gets frustrated.

Best of luck to you!

N.

Hi E.- I just went through this with one of my twins. It turns out I think she was just tired going through the transition of two naps to one. Anyway, I was shocked when she first did it and didn't know how to respond. She did it about 3 more times and I kept putting her in time out, but they are only 15 months so I think it's hard to understand. I asked around to some friends and one friend told me she filled a very tine amount of vinegar in a small syringe and when she bite next she got the vinegar in her mouth and she never did it again. I was willing to try anything at this point b/c I didn't want this to turn into a habit. Well, it only lasted for four days and we haven't seen this behavior for a month. I'm sure it will be back, but we never got to try it out. Just thought I would pass this along as a last resort. Good luck! It's tough with twins. I think all of this behavior starts earlier with twins.

Hi E.-

My daughter also went through the biting "PHASE". And I know that everyone just keep saying its a phase and it will be over soon.....and it will. What myself and my daycare did was get to her eye level and explain that she hurt someone and set her in time out for 2 minutes. When time out was over she had to apologize to the victim then she could go back to playing. This went on for about a month. I was so embarrassed . Thank god she is over that "PHASE". Now I just wonder what is next. Good luck!

My 2.5 year old bit - for us it was about two strong willed kids (usually it was his brother) fighting over the same thing.
He was a late talker so using words wasn't coming along. since he was behind in speech we were able to enroll him in speech therapy through the county (San Mateo - Golden Gate Regional Center) - a doctor can give a referral though we didn't need it.
If speech is an issue try the speech therapy. We used timeouts but every few months it would rear up again to my distress.
He is 3.75 and doing better now - took some time though.
He has gotten bitten at 3.75 and was very distressed by it - I was relieved he was the one bitten because having had the biter it was easy to be understanding of the situation.

Hi E.,
My name is Stacey.And when my daughter
Nacole was three year's old.She
also liked to bite.This might sound really
bad.But what it took for her to stop.I had to bite her back.It really hurt me that I had to do that.I cryed for day's.She stopped bitting.Good luck to you and your family.
Stacey from Modesto Calf

I will be the only one to say this so I want to put in this viewpoint: she's only 2-1/2 and biting isn't a crime. I remember when my kids were in preschool and moms would freak out about biting toddlers. You'd have thought they were little juvenile delinquents the way the moms would carry on. (By the way I'm not saying this because the biters were my kids - my kids didn't bite, only my youngest sometimes went after his sister with choppers flying.) And when my kids got bitten by another child I knew they would survive it, and they did.

I've heard that an instant loud response - like a scream of shock or pain - stops the biting immediately. might be Worth a try...

Hi E.,

Here is a short and sweet GUARANTEED way to stop biting:

Whatever she is biting on at the time, your hand, arm, toy, herself, push further into her mouth. You may need to put another hand on the back of her head in order to do this. Obviously you don't push too too hard, or too lightly. Enought to make it uncomfortable to bite. Also, the act of biting is impossible if you are pushing whatever it is into her mouth. This method is an immediate consequence, its directly associated with her mouth. It has to be done while she is biting on something. You can't go back after she has bitten, and put something in her mouth - its not punative. Its just a simple cause and effect. It will probably take a few times before she stops, but I guarantee it will work if you do it right. Forget all the time outs and toy taking away. Make it all about the bite. Good luck!

My son used to get bitten at preschool. I could have panicked, but we just let the teachers deal with it, and discuss my son's feelings when he got home. If the teachers had dared used soap in the mouth of the biter, or dared put them in a time out, I would have quit. No child deserves any punishment!

If we don't want teachers to treat our kids like that, then I am completely horrified by the number of moms who think this is OK to do to their own kids. Listen to Julie K, she has some excellent advice. And the moms who discuss tiredness, and lack of vocabulary to express feelings, that's what parenting is all about - using teaching moments to find out the "why's" of behavior and not about punishment. I have never used time outs, and have seen so many parents (and teacher) abuse this that it amountsto punishment. If your child needs space to be alone, then describe it like that and not punitively send them "away" for them to "think about it". They are 2 years old for goodness sake!

Hot under the collar
P.

I have twin 4 year olds. One used to bite the other all the time. This is definitely a phase, esp. when they have no other way to express themselves.
Besides the remedies other moms have already given, I would emphasize that it's important to comfort the "victim" first in these situations. There are 2 reasons for this - one, the biter is often doing it to get attention, so taking it off him/her and giving it to the other shows that the biting will not result in what s/he wanted. And, of course, the non-biter needs to be comforted and attended to, esp. if injured. If you're the "victim" say very sternly "NO! That 's NOT OK!" and then send him/her imediately into timeout. No other talking to him/her until after s/he has completed the time out. Then, explain why it's wrong and ALWAYS make the biter apologize - whether the victim is you or the sibling. We consistently emphasize the proper way to handle disputes, like telling the person why they're mad. It's very hard at this age, to not react physically. Just keep consistent. They really will grow out of it!
Hang in there!

Dear E.,
My sister was a biter as well. I was her victim mostly, but she would also bite my mother and other people. She bit out of frustration and anger and when I say she bit, I mean she bit. HARD. My mom had tried all the usual things, including spanking, but it didn't phaze her. She bit me so hard one day, that she didn't just draw blood, her teeth literally went into the skin on my arm. That was the final straw.
So, my mother bit my sister on the arm. Not hard enough for her to bleed, but hard enough to make her cry. She said, "Biting hurts and you will STOP! Or next time, I will bite you harder."
My sister didn't bite anymore. I guess it's the only way she realized that she was hurting people when she bit.

I'm not recommending people go around biting their kids and you have to be careful these days or someone might turn you in for swatting your kid on the seat of the pants. But my mom couldn't allow my sister to continue biting chunks out of me either and it definitely worked. Your daughter is at that age where it's kind of like they don't understand what hot means until they grab your coffee cup or something. My sister went from being biter to bitee one time and that's all it took.

Good luck with that. Believe me, I feel for your other daughter. I've been there. I was the mellow, non-agressive one also.

Dear E. G-
I hate to admit I was a biter. Time outs and No's did not work for me either. In fact, I did not stop biting until someone bit me and then said, "hurts doesn't it." I never bit anyone after that. You don't want her getting bit by someone else, and that seems so barbaric. But it works. Not too hard, and yes, you have to be careful about it because people are really insane about parents attempting to discipline their kids...
I also had a mother who put soap in my mouth and then rinsed it out for such atrocities concerned with the mouth. Let me tell you there was a standard and it was not acceptable for me or either of my sisters to behave that way, at any age. She might grow out of it, too. YOu never know.

I know you said you have done time outs, but have you tried the naughty step? I've been watching that british nanny show, and they really have some great tips that seem to work. Every time she bites you put her on the step or spot or chair. She must sit there until she can apologize to the bitten and behave herself. Also, start taking things away from her. Tell her that she can earn those toys or privileges back through positive behavior. Keep a visual chart of her progress. Why? She has to LOSE something valuable enough to where she wants it more than she wants to chew on her mummy. And she needs to see where she stands. Little ones are very smart and will do whatever they can to get what they want. The chart can track her progress and show her exactly what she needs to do in order to get what she wants. If she bites, it all goes away.
I hope this helps!