hello all. (sorry so long)
my oldest sister is bipolar (yes professionally diagnosed). long back story short my daughter my dogs and i have been displaced from our home and she has been letting us stay with her. i do my share of house work and buy all the food. also she is not medicated. she refuses because she can "overcome this" herself. another also we are supposed to be signing a renters lease on a house together.
anyways easter we had a major falling out. she let me know that i had a flat tire on my car and that she was going to put fix a flat in it. i said ok guess i may be getting 2 new tires sooner then i thought. her irritation started when the dishes were not done when she got home. then when we arrived home (me my daughter and my younger sister) from my dads i told her that she may want to ask dad for a ride to work in the morning so i can take my car in to get the tire fixed and that britt would take me to work from the tire place since she will now be in town. she says that shes using britt car to go to work and i told her plans changed britt is baby sitting tomorrow to make extra money.
she then starts yelling about how shes getting told last minute (mind you its 4pm she has 4 hours before she goes to bed to secure a ride to work). continues telling me how its real mature that we didnt say this when she was up at my dads house but waited till we got home. she was there for 5 mins before she declared she was going home. i told her that i didnt think it would be a big issue and that all this time shes been yelling and arguing she could have secured a ride to work.
then for the life of me i cant even remember what she said but it really angered me and i flat out told her that if this is how she was going to be then i will not front my money and sign that lease with her. she then told me to get the f out of her house. i said give me to the end of the week and she said no i want you out tonight.
so i said fine got up and started grabbing some things for myself and my child. i told my daughter to get shoes on that we were leaving (she was already bawling from my sister yelling). she told me no that she wasnt leaving and i told her in a calm voice that she didnt get the choice. my sister then tells me not to be mean to my daughter because im mad at her. i replied im not mad at my child and how i handle her is not your concern. that really pissed her off.
as im gathering things. my sister is now saying so your really leaving your not going to talk it out and i say well you told me to pack my things and get out so im doing what you asked and that im not calm enough to talk it out right now. she then says so we are done we are not sisters nothing now? and i told her that those are her words not mine and maybe she should choose them wisely. she then repeated the question and i said i guess fine. she then jumped up slapped the bag out of my hand and came pretty close to shoving me out of the bedroom i was sharing with my child and told me to get out that i was no longer welcome in her house. all this in front of my child.
so i left and went to my home (across the way) and sat in my car. my younger sister comes out and i asked her to bring my daughter out because im not allowed in anymore. she goes in to get her and comes out bawling because my sister then turns her anger on her and wouldnt let my child leave. also telling her that she needs to get me to come back inside and not leave because we need to work this out.
after a 30 min call with my mom and calming my younger sister and almost calling the cops on my angry sister just to get my child out of that house for the night atleast my oldest sister comes out to talk. so we talk. i express that its not fair that she reacts this way and that i will not sign a 2 year lease with her if she can not keep her temper under control. she tells me how she feels ganged up on and that shes always left out of decisions (making herself the victim when there is no victim). tells me that i need to apologize for hurting her feelings. i asked how did i hurt your feelings you told me to move out i just told you that i wont move into that house with you if you cant control your temper. needles to say we made little ground and i came back inside.
we havent spoken more then 10 words to each other in the last two days. she stayed in her room yesterday not that anyone asked her to or that anything was said to make her remove herself. i am giving her space and letting her be. i feel that when she is ready to talk to me she will.
my mom wants to video call the 3 of us and mediate while we lay everything out. i want to bring up gently that it would be a good time to try and revisit medication for my sister slowly not all at once but maybe an anti depressant to start with. my mom is in agreement with this. i just cant put my child in another toxic living situation and if i move in with her and she doesnt attempt to try and help herself then i will be doing just that.
anyways what are your opinions. im well aware that things between the both of us were said in anger i dont need to be reminded of that. we dont want to gang up on her or make her feel that way (though she will feel that way). how do you gently bring up that i think you need to try meds again to someone who thinks they dont need them. i also understand why she explodes like she does so i dont need a lesson on bipolar symptoms either.
wow thank you to the mom who said i had a mental disorder. i do not have a mental disorder.
why am i displaced from my home is this my electricity failed do to my roof leaking on my breaker box in november. when that finally got fixed in january my pipes burst not even a week later leaving 2 inches of water in my house. this has yet to be fixed.
also neither of the sisters mentioned are the one who had the disgraceful boyfriend.
another thing is i dont depend on her for financial stability in getting a place to live. i can afford the place i have if the land lords would ever fix the pipes.
for the why have i not sued my land lord? i rent from family do i really want to add that into my life?
as for the hotel staying. the closest hotel is almost 30 mins away from the town we live in.
a lot of this would be solved if she made an effort to have her car fixed so shes not having to rely on others for a ride.
as for thinking of my daughter. im in the middle of a custody battle and i think it looks better that shes sleeping in a bedroom alone opposed to sleeping in my dads living room. if her dad didnt move an hour and a half away i would have her stay there but theres no way she is missing school.
for the moms who asked how i know i dont have a mental disorder. i have been tested for bipolar, schizophrenia and ptsd. yes i was on medication for depression but was able to wean off of it over the last 6 months and have felt great. i also know when im slipping back and have no qualms about going back on the pills i had if i need them.
my child is my priority. i have been tryng to get a place on my own but with litterally NO credit history (i have a thin file) no one will rent to me even with a cosigner.
**** so i have done a lot of thinking and we (my sisters and i with mom too) have came to the aggreement that if my bipolar sister wants me to be living there she is to get on and maintain atleast an anti depressant to help her manic drepression. this may not sound right to all of you but it was the only agreement we could reach with medication. also remember i have seen her on the cocktails they have put her on its also not easy for her as it kick drives everything into high gear and shes all over the place. so remember in your disgust while reading that you most likely have no idea what its like to have a family member like this. and if your asking how will i know if shes taking her anti depressant or not. uh its a given with her or anyone who takes them and then stops. i being one who has taken them even saw the difference in myself. it will be obvious. if i find that shes not taking them and upholding her end of the deal made i will move out no if ands or buts im gone. she will be out of luck.
As a medicated person living with a mental illness my advice to everyone is to NEVER LIVE WITH AN UNMEDICATED MENTALLY ILL PERSON.
P.S.
If she goes on meds that's wonderful but I'd wait until she's been stable for 6 mos before committing to a lease.
You're pretty much trying to apply logic to an illogical situation (mentally I'll person that refuses meds).
No way would I enter into a financial commitment and/or living situation under the circumstances you're describing. Especially if I was bringing a child into it with me.
Maybe it will get her thinking about getting in meds if concrete consequences result from her choices?
Good luck!
I am confused -
You are displaced from your home and living with your un-medicated bi-polar sister. Yet, your home is "across the way", but you are not allowed to enter it any more. Is this house with the sister with the pedophile boyfriend? See why I am confused?
I think we are missing a piece of this incredible long, poorly punctuated, hard to read story. Fascinating as it is - rather like a train wreck.
Sane people, who want to be good parents, do not subject their children to un-medicated, irrational sisters, nor do they drag them around from house to house.
Get your own place - look into subsidized housing - stop hanging with your sisters, and their mental illnesses, and criminal boyfriends.
Wait -- your sister basically held your child against your will?
You sent one of your other sisters to fetch your child out of that house and your sister would not "let" your child leave?
What the hell?
That ALONE is reason never to spend another night under the same roof with her and certainly never to let your child near her. One day she will go off the rails and anything could happen - you might just find she has taken your child for a "ride" and you don't know where they are. Or she's changed the locks on you with your kid inside.
You claim that "I can't put my child in another toxic living situation" yet you are doing precisely that with every minute you live with your sister. What is wrong with this picture?
You also mention (as someone else noted) that you must live with her due to being "displaced from our home" yet you later say you went to your home while your child was inside her home with your sister who was angrily freaking out....I am not going to look up your past posts but someone mentioned other toxic issues.
Please, get to a homeless shelter if you have to, call social services, but get out and stop acting like you even remotely can work this out. Her bipolar diagnosis is no excuse for YOU to stay and your mom needs to stop thinking she can "mediate" with someone who is mentally ill in the picture. But your sister is not the only problem here. Your inability to take your child and RUN anywhere you can is a huge part of the problem.
I repeat: She held your child in her house and refused to let her out. What happens next time she's mad at you and uses your child as a pawn? The fault will be on you because you didn't DO something this time and leave.
Your sister may be bipolar but I don't think that has anything to do with the fact that she was annoyed with you. Her annoyance at you is what started this argument. If you blame the escalation of this argument on the fact that she is bipolar perhaps you should question if you also have a mental illness. Why in the world would you fight with her this way especially with your daughter present and why they he!! would you leave the house without your daughter in the first place? You all sound dysfunctional.
Bottom line is, do not sign a lease with your sister and get your own place.
Do not attempt to live with an unmedicated mentally ill person, no matter who it is.
You seem to be going from one toxic situation to another. Why not just live on your own with your daughter and leave your sister out of the equation? If you need money that badly, find a roommate.
FWIW your sister's mental state is not your business. Get your own place and let her manage her life how she chooses to while you live yours from a healthy distance.
I'm sorry you have so much trouble with your family. There are other people here on MP who are estranged from family members whom they can't get along with either.
I think that you really do need to sit down and try to figure out why you are being asked to leave wherever you are. If you don't, then you are destined to continue to have these problems.
With that being said, I will also say that it's rarely just one person's fault. I'm sure that your family members are volatile, given your history with them.
As far as this particular incident is concerned, I guess I'm surprised that you got so caught off guard about your sister's tantrum. You know that she's not medicated, so anything will set her off. You're living in her house. It's either walk on eggshells with her and never argue but always say your sorry, or expect her to start screaming at you.
For the life of me, I have NO CLUE why you would sign ANYTHING to tie yourself to her. Why would you do this to yourself, much less your child?
She threw you out of the house, wouldn't let your daughter go with you, and you want to video talk with her?
Forget trying to get her to take medication. This is not your business. She isn't going to listen to you.
Please find another place to live, and don't take your daughter to places where YOU aren't allowed to go into. That includes to your mom's if you aren't allowed in there. For heaven's sake, your daughter does NOT need to see you sitting in the car while she is in someone's house. If they don't like not getting to see this little girl, then they will have to make peace with you.
When you and your family members get upset with each other, close your mouth. Stop talking back to them. If you hadn't started throwing things in a bag in front of your sister, she wouldn't have been screaming so much in front of your child.
You really have got to stop fighting in front of that little girl. You cannot imagine the things she is going to say to you and the screaming she is going to do when she's a teen if you DON'T. Having "words" with your sister has no business being done in front of this child.
Okay, so the bottom line is: your sister is Bi-polar and does not get treatment for it, and this is something that hardly anyone, can handle. Regardless if she is your sister or not.
Regardless if you are living together or not. Even if you are not living together there will be relationship and boundary problems. Because she is mentally unstable...and is not getting professional medical treatment or therapy for it.
Hence, it will be a CONSTANT vicious cycle. Constantly.
Why? Because, your sister has a mental condition. And only a Professional can help her. She is not rational. And you and your Mom/sister are not "Professional" mental health experts either... thus, none of you can or will know how, to deal with her. No layperson, relative or not, are experts at dealing with this problem that your sister has.
Except that, you all are... feeding into it and everyone is toxic to each other, because, of your sister's condition. It is too much. It is too, much. For any layperson to digest or handle.
Even if you were the most perfect and pleasant person who had 100% perfect social skills and logic and lifestyle... this would still be, a very hard situation and a very hard thing to deal with.
Your sister herself does not know how to deal with it. You, your Mom, your other sister, don't know how to deal with it. And your poor child, is a spectator to all of this.... and she is a bystander to all of this dysfunctional behaviors. But you know this is not good for a child.
Even if you do move out and with your child, your sister will STILL be Bi-Polar. So, know that. But then, by being in separate living places than her, you can have your own environment to live in and with your daughter. DO NOT, live with your bi-polar sister.
The problems will NOT end.
Know that.
You live with your sister now. And it is awful.
And then you both are supposed to go live somewhere else and sign a lease together with your sister for another place.
Why?
Don't do it.
DO NOT LIVE WITH YOUR SISTER.
Even if she gets proper medication.
DO NOT, live with her.
If you do, you AND your daughter, will forever be tangled up in your sister's life and problems. Constantly.
Go find somewhere else to live. Not with your sister.
And do NOT feel guilty about it.
And do NOT let your sister hang a guilt trip about it around your neck.
Do not, get roped in to this.
And it is really an ugly situation to have your daughter grow up in.
Don't be a hostage to this.
*ETA: J., also know that, when some people are subjected to being around a mentally ill person all the time, then "you" can become mentally ill yourself in a situational manner... and then you too, begin to lose all sense of normalcy. And this is not right for you, nor for your daughter. Nor for her to grow up in this manner. It is a convoluted dysfunctional upside down toxic thing, for your daughter to be in and around, daily. Or forever.
Even expert mental health Professionals, cannot "fix" all people. And even they have a hard time, changing them.
Know that.
And it takes YEARS, for a professional to even help or improve a mentally ill person. And it takes CONSTANT treatment.
Don't subject your daughter to this, for years. It will not, end.
Your daughter, needs a NORMAL life.
Just get away from your sister.
Do NOT live with her, anymore.
Your Mom and sister can deal with it.
Don't be the one who has to do it.
You need a NORMAL life for your daughter.
Don't let them make you feel guilty about it.
Your post was very painful to read. I feel you need to speak to someone to get some mental health advice for YOU. You can not subject yourself or young children to your very unstable sister. You must know this. I'm sorry you are in a situation in which you feel this living situation is best for you. Please find another place to live another room mate. If not for you but for your daughter. Sending you best wishes.
The long and the short of it is - you and your bipolar sister can't live together.
Don't even try.
You can't tell her 'you need meds'.
She won't listen to you and she'll pull all the harder in the opposite direction just to oppose your opinion.
There IS NO REASONING or logical argument that will work.
You'd make as much progress yelling at a brick.
She's got to WANT to make a change, admit she has a problem, do something different - and she's not doing any of that.
Take your daughter and your dogs and live on your own.
I'd suggest moving far enough away so you don't have a lot of contact with your sister.
Resist being dragged into her issues by your other sister and your Mom.
Keep your daughter far far away from this whole situation.
You can not fix this.
I could never live with a bi-polar person who refuses medication. My little brother has bipolar and schizophrenia and I don't even allow him to come visit us if he's off his meds.
Do not sign anything with her. She needs medication. Your daughter's safety is at stake.
Leave.
Find a new place to live. NOW.
And let your sister deal with her issues however she wants.
The thing that sticks out in my mind about mentally ill people is that they are irrational. Doesn't matter how strong your logic, how reasonable your requests.
Kind of like a broken computer, the mentally ill brain. Same input that a sane person has but the result is messed up every time.
Your mom can't fix it. All the talk between sisters, can't fix it. If you don't have to live with someone like that, DON'T. Certainly never sign any legal agreements with your sister.
I know you love her and your situation is tenuous, but why would you consider living with someone who would not let your child come to you?
If this were someone other than your sister, a reasonable person would not even consider it. Look into CoDependant No More. And don't put you or your child in another situation like this.
What is your professional diagnosis? Sorry but someone who subjects her child to all of this, over an over, has to have a diagnosis themselves.
Please get help, you can only control yourself. You can't expect your sister to go on meds because you need her financially to be your roommate.
Well...you know she doesn't do change well. She was told that her ride wasn't going to be available. Four hours isn't much notice and you could have told her sooner. Yes she could get her car fixed, but then you could find a new place to live. Everyone has choices.
This isn't just your sister's issues, its yours as well. There is a lot going on in your life and you are exposing your daughter to chaos. If you are in a custody battle, you don't need this getting out.
Find your own place with your daughter. I don't know what is going on with the house you were in and renting. Sounds like there are problems there and you rent from family. Cut the string and get your own place for you and your daughter. Good luck.
You are making this way too complicated. You need a calm consistent environment for your daughter and yourself. So go out and make it happen. All of your energy and attention on family drama only divert you from what you need to do as a mother.
Do not live withher. I do have to say, I would be pissed off if my ride to work only gave me 4 hours notice that they can not give me a ride. You should have called earlier and let her know.
Yup, I'm with Suzi F. We with mental illness can be completely irrational in the face of what we perceive to be a threat, especially if we are not medicated properly. Our perceptions are not the same as neuro-typical people in this state. The only way to reach her is to show utter compassion and gently help her to understand that her illness makes her feel this way, not her environment. And then tell her that the only way you will consider the lease with her is if she goes on the meds and STAYS on them.
Please take every opinion on here with a grain of salt. Please understand that to strangers, your post sounded bonkers. You really do need to find a way to live on your own, for your daughter's sake. I don't think moving in with your father is the answer to your problems. Why were you so offended that someone told you that you have a mental disorder? Are you a doctor? Look, no one wants to hear that. Sure, I get that. But, you do sound like perhaps you need to talk to a psychologist and psychotherapist. Mental illness does run in families and there is nothing wrong with going to see someone. Heck, just for the sake of talking about the family issues. I feel so bad for your daughter. Instead of putting up walls, really sit down and give this some serious thought. She will probably have a vivid memory of this event to carry around with her forever. Good luck
wow, J.. i'm glad you're not with your abusive husband any more, but this degree of screaming and drama and upheaval are so very detrimental to your child's sense of security and wellbeing.
if you can't keep it together in the face of your sister's disability, then you absolutely should not live with her. she behaved poorly but you sure didn't help matters. you don't have to tiptoe around a bipolar person and accede to their whims and fancies, but you should have a better grasp on how to handle a family member and roommate.
videotaping, confronting, 'gently suggesting' and interventions may be what your sister needs, but your first priority isn't your sister.
i suggest you find a different living situation as soon as possible, and work on creating a safe, quiet environment for your reeling child.
khairete
S.
EDT: Perhaps going to a homeless shelter or contacting a domestic shelter they may have someone who can help you get a place. That would be better than the family drama. Co-signers are very hesitant about things as I mentioned in my main post. They get stuck picking up the pieces if you don't pay. This goes on their credit file.
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That would drive me nuts!!!! Find a new place and move your things. Be a big girl and momma on your own. Your daughter needs to have a safe non-confrontational place to live with a happy momma.
Sometimes family is not the best thing. You will have to put a lot of distance between you and your other family members in order to make it work. Learn to depend on yourself and not others. Find new people to help you and become more self-reliant. If you have to cut off your sister so be it. You are responsible for one person on this earth -- YOU. Do not feel guilty if you move. Respect yourself and the rest will come in line. Do not sign any papers with this sister or any other family member. You will be stuck with the bill or lease or whatever if something goes wrong and you have to move. Do not jeopardize your credit ratings over family.
Find a new place to live and move out. Take pictures and document all and have it on file should someone come after you about you not paying. I would have been gone a long time ago from this home and found an apartment or something to live in. You got a child to think about and care for.
I wish you much luck and happiness in the future. Seek help to get your self-esteem back and how to set boundaries.
the other S.
PS Life is too short for all this drama over nothing.
Move into your own place! You don't need your mother to mediate and why on earth would you sign a lease to live with your sister who refuses medication to control her mental illness. Everyday would be a similar episode. Spars you and your child the drama. Move on and out.
I am sorry you are going through this stress. You cannot live with a bipolar person and expect them to handle things the same way as neurotypical people. She can't cope the same way as the rest of us. You will need to treat her differently if you want your living situation to be peaceful. It will be a tremendous amount of work on your part to make sure she is stable. I would advise that you live somewhere else, for both of your sakes as well as your daughter. It doesn't sound safe or healthy to me.
I think your sister can be okay without meds if she avoids stress and is able to manage her symptoms. Many people who don't know they are bi-polar and self medicate with alcohol and drugs. She's not doing that. It sounds like she is able to understand what's going on.
She is under a great deal of stress right now. Every little thing is going to escalate her disorder. She is a reactor now and is liable to blow up over every little thing.
If it were me I'd make sure I do what I say I'm going to do. Like the dishes, were they supposed to be done before you left? If so as soon as you walked in the door perhaps saying "I'm so sorry I left the dishes in the sink, I was running late for work. I'll get right on those as soon as I go to the bathroom".
Small issues become wild crazy issues over silly things. Please know you're not alone. Other people out here live with mentally ill people too.
Putting out fires before they become huge raging forest fires does make life easier.
Hope everything calms down soon.
