My BF has been out of work for... 2 months? 3 months? I've lost track! Our very good friend owns a cabin out of state, in TN (we're in VA) and has to go to the cabin to do a little maintenance and have a new security system installed. He invited my BF along for some company. No big deal... except that they're REALLY going fishing the whole time (minus the 4 hour window to have the security system installed. I feel like he deserves a break from the everyday depression that goes along with being unemployed, HOWEVER, these are my thoughts... no, it's no big deal if he goes from Sun-Wed, I can handle the kids and work and the house (sort of, we don't have oil for heat yet and I'm a little uncomfortable manning the fireplace by myself.)... BUT my BF turned down a family trip to the cabin this past summer because he HATES long car rides... so he's not willing to go with the family, but he'll go by himself?! Um... okay, whatever. Seems selfish, but I understand car rides solo vs car rides with 3 kids is different. I know that there will probably be no miracle job appear while he's out of town, but... at least take that 4 days to TRY. This trip is not going to cost him a dime, our friend will pay for 100% of whatever my BF needs... I don't know. I want him to go and have a good time, but I feel a little hurt that he's going away to have fun while I've been juggling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would never be able to leave the kids with him alone for 4 days! What are your thoughts?
shouldn't it be YOU that gets a chance to get away? my husband has been unemployed for over a year now and TRUST me i understand the weight of the world concern...i'm constantly trying to take the kiddo's out, and his "job" is looking for a job mon-fri while my daughter is in school......until then no vacation's! I can see a guys night out but nothing more.
his day's off from looking for a job (2 days a week) SHOULD be his vacation
i am not going to say one single word.
you already know everything i could possibly say.
khairete
S.
It sounds like he needs a break from the family routine and needs a breather. If your BF isn't working outside the home, is he home all day with the kids while you work? I know myself that staying at home with kids all day can be tough sometimes and a stay at home parent needs to recharge. I'd cut him some slack on this one. That's not saying that your role isn't tough either. I think you need to do something nice for yourself while he's gone and maybe even while he's away for these four days, see if you can plan a trip for yourself......you definitely deserve it:)
M.
I really don't see what the big deal is...the trip is not going to cost him anything and I doubt those 4 days will be the difference between finding a job and not finding one (has he been trying since he lost the other one?). I think you are just feeling resentful that he gets to take a break and you would really like one for yourself. That's not a reason to not allow him to go, it's just more of an argument in your favor to do the things you might want to do in the future. Not saying to be manipulative about it, but when you want to go away with the kids and him and he starts to carp about the car ride, remind him of when you let him go on his trip alone and it works both ways. If you had the chance to go away with some friends for a few days you would want him to support you - and I don't see how you can't leave him alone with the kids for that amount of time. The house might be a disaster when you come back but really, otherwise, what is the worst that would happen? Is he abusive or neglectful in some way where you really can't leave the kids with him (in which case I would question why you are with him) or is it just that you think you can't because he doesn't do everything the same way you do?
I get both your side and his side of things.
However, I would let him go and see how it plays out. If he's depressed over the unemployment and really stuck in a rut, the break he gets from this mini vacation may be just what he needs to come back to you and the family refreshed, re-energized, and with a much better attitude.
But...at some time I think he also needs to realize that you are also entitled to some much-deserved time off and maybe his experience will help him gain some empathy for you and what you do and the need for you to recharge.
Good luck!
I honestly think you should cut him some slack and let him go without being too resentful. It may be just what he needs to "recharge his batteries" and get a little perspective. If this were a regular occurrence, him being away all the time, I would say yes, you have a problem, but it sounds like it's a one-time thing. Being out of work, as you said, especially for an extended period of time can be depressing for anyone. Let him go and de-stress a bit. Hopefully he will come home and get back to the job search with some renewed enthusiasm! It's only 4 days, I'm sure you can handle it...maybe when he gets back it will be your turn for a little R and R? That seems fair to me.
Although it's free, I do understand your point of view.. I mean with kids and all, seems like a person would want to spend any free time with the kids OR looking for a job, Might mean spending one of those four days attending a job workshop or another day , working around your own house or adjusting his resume' for each specific job he applies.. I actually think it is a bit selfish.. With 3 kids to support, I just happen to believe any time should be spent with the kids' futures in mind, which to me is looking EVERY day for a job..
It doesn't sound like he will change his mind. in the meanwhile, I would learn to work that heating system. Also, maybe strike a deal that IF he truly feels this will help his depression, then ok.. when he returns, hopefully he will have some new energy to add to the job search..
blessings
Since it's free, I say let him go and have some fun guy time. He's probably pretty down about not having work. Maybe you can work something out with your friends that you and some girls get to have a weekend getaway in the cabin sometime soon and he can keep the kids :)
I personally think you ought to let him have it. And even SUPPORT him in it. Couple reasons....
1) This is you being the wife you said you'd be at the alter (sorry)
2) (not so pure) This is you buying the right for a few days away with your girlfriends!
3) This kind of thing can only be GOOD for your marriage and his somewhat depressed state of mind!
(There WILL come a day when you CAN leave the kids with him, think of it as insurance)
(well you know what I mean about the alter, applies to any commitment, sorry)
Again! When my husband was out of work, he wanted to go on an all expenses paid trip to FL to play softball. HA! I kindly informed him that if he did, he would come home to locks changed, alarm code changed, and separation papers on the front porch. Sorry, but I agree with you 100%. I know it's stressful to look for work, BUT it is also stressful to seem like you are the only one really worried about it. I really wouldn't give two hoots if it was MILLION dollars or FREE to go. Why does he get to play while you sit at home and take care of 3 kids, no heat (yes, it's FREEZING at night now), and the house? Really? Ugh...why are our men so similar and why do we love them like crazy? It's funny because walking in to work this morning I really thought how great my guy is. Yes, he drives m insane. Yes, he does the most STUPID things in the world. But we have worked so hard to get to today. And I'm so grateful. Anyways, my husband did NOT go to FL and now that he is back working he sees my point. It's hard to do it all. So do what works for you guys, but people saying that he should definitely be able to go and that there is something wrong with you have a problem with it have never been in the shoes you are in right now. If it works for you guys for him to go, let him enjoy. When my husband wanted to go, i had never felt more let down. He wasn't working and we were putting our bills on credit cards and he wanted to go play softball while I worked, took care of the house, 3 kids, etc...completely NOT what anyone signed up for at the alter.
I think he needs some time. There is something to be said for alone time and guy (or if you are a female, girl) time to help sort out your thoughts and give you a burst of energy when you get back.
Since it is free and you can manage for a few days - I'd let him go and not do it begrudginly - just "have a great time" and when he gets back"hope it was great."
BTW I have had to leave my kids alone with hubby for work trips for a week at a time and had no issues because it is what I needed to do. Look at this as a step to him sorting out his next work move.:)
:-0) I would love a vacation without any kids, especially if it was free!
If he were spending money to go, I would say no way because you don't have the money. I really believe men need time with other good men(I am assuming the man is good as you are his friend too) just as women need time with other women.
The no heat thing would bother me. I would be on him to do handyman work, mow yards, trim trees, anything to get money to buy heating oil.
Can you ask him to teach you how to work the furnace? I am in agreement that he go since it is free.
Sometimes it is good to step away from everything, have some alone time and gather your thoughts. Maybe the fishing is relaxing and he can talk to his friend about what is going on.
Now, if it were not free.....no he should not be spending money the family needs for a fun vacation.
I think everyone needs a little time now and then. My husband travels a lot and we are accustomed to him being away 1-3 nights a week and I enjoy the alone time with my daughter.
On the other hand, I will go away for a few days and leave husband at home for "my time". I see nothing wrong with that either because hubby follows our routine a few days and knows what I do.
You also need to learn how to use the furnace among other things in the house that you might need to do if he is not around to do it for you.
Just sayin'
He needs to stay home and help your take care of the kids and the house. I you are the only one working right now then he should step up and help more with the care of the kids and the house. Vacations are a break from the norm - if he is unemployed than that is his vacation from the norm.
Oh, just so you know I am not a raging meannie - I am currently unemployed and would not dream of taking a vacation right now even if it was free. My main occupation is finding a job. Looking for work is a full time job.
.
If there are no underlying issues, I'd say let him go!
It seems like the woman always has to be the "bigger" one and say how the man has needs. ie: get away w/ friends etc. I've learned to not fight it as much but make sure you then get something you need. Maybe not 4 days bc the kids would miss you too much but if you let him go but make sure you take some time for yourself when he gets back, it should make you less resentful. If he won't go along with that, he's being a jerk. I know my husband always needs "time" but he at least tries to be supportive of me taking time too.
He can look for jobs in TN, right? As long as he is looking for a job, I don't see why it should matter if he is looking in VA or in TN for a few days. Do the two of you have kids together, or are these your kids from a previous relationship? He will be much happier if you let him go (or give him your blessing). However, with all of that said, I feel that there is a much bigger underlying issue here that I don't think you see, but is easy for someone like me, who is on the outside to see. When your boyfriend said he hates long car rides, he was obviously lying to you, since he is more than willing to drive to TN all by himself. The truth is, he didn't want to drive to the cabin with your family (you didn't specify who "your family" is - just your children, or would it have been your parents)? Regardless of who "your family" would have been in the car, your husband didn't want to go with them! If it would have been with your parents, it means he doesn't like your parents. If it would have been just the 2 of you and your kids, it means he doesn't like spending quality family time with his girlfriend and his kids. Either way, it is very bad and I don't see good things about your relationship with your boyfriend. For me, this should not be a "should I be mad at him going to TN" issues - it should be a "should I break up with him" issue b/c he doesn't want to spend time with you and your family! That is the real issue here. He will go to the cabin with a friend in a heartbeat, but no way in hell will he go with you and your family??? Think about that.
if he is not handed responsibility, then he cant know what it is really like, now can he ?hes NOT going to spend those four days looking for a job, dont kid yourself. when you stop funding him , he will actually have to grow up some.if he supposed hates long car drives, then why is going to the exact same spot
on the map with a buddy? give him an exact date that he has to have a job by this particular date, if he doesnt have a job by then tell him no nooky until he gets a job, any job. at this point he will suddenly decide to get a job.
K. h.
