For those with MIL who make Marie Barone appear angelic and ideal, please share your tips for dealing with them. I am not talking about NORMAL MILs.
If your MIL is unhealthy and constantly interferring in your life, MOVE. I am amazed that 1.5 hours makes such a difference. Three or four hours would be ideal because you can visit for an afternoon, then drive back home. Plus, they are so less likely to surprise you or to try and meet your neighbors when you are not home so they can snoop. My neighbor now locks her door because my hubby told his mom I would be home soon, I was at the neighbors, and to have a seat. Well, she bolted out the door and into my neighbor's house without knocking. We were in the kitchen and heard someone come in, scaring us both because we were home alone with all the kids.
I told her she better be careful as people keep loaded guns and she is a stranger to our neighbor. LOL
Make sure your husband understands to not share anything she can use against you including names of doctors, therapists, or even your hair stylist(my MIL drove an hour to meet mine and tell her about how awful I am because she knows she tells her hair stylist her problems...it was truly insane and horrible for the woman who could not get away from her).
Make your husband deal with her, especially if he just ignores her usually. He takes and makes all phone calls. He picks out the gifts and cards. He explains the boundaries. He listens to her incorrect, crazy advice.
Decide with your husband what you will do and stick to it. Decisions include the day and time you will have together at Christmas, whether your children spend the night or visit without you, and all parenting decisions.
I have noticed when we limit contact, she behaves better for awhile. I am curious, do those of you who cut off contact for 6 months tell your MIL? What happens to make you reinitiate contact?
We had to cut off all contact twice for six months. things are better now after 19 years of marriage!
I thank God daily that mine lives in TN and I live in CO! We have minimal interaction with her which is her choice and ours. She is really only interested in having a relationship with her son (my husband) and is very passive aggressive to me and our kids. She has always been that way to me. I am very lucky that my husband can see her craziness, cruelty and attempts to manipulate. If he wasn't on my side, she would have driven us apart by now. I think solidarity between husband and wife is the only way a marriage will survive a woman like this.
...AND
stop any and all contact. Life is so much better when I know she does not have any access to me or my kids.
She has access to her son, but even that is wearing thin. any husband, with quarter of a brain will learn how to spot toxicity from thousands of miles away, even if the source is their own mother.
If I have benefitted any from my MIL is to learn how to never ever be towards my future sons in law.
Not all men have this ability to do what you are suggesting...with their mothers. I'm sure there are plenty of men who do not stand their ground, for the sake of their wives, and make ground rules for their beloved mothers. I'm speaking from experience that sometimes it is the wife who has to lay down the law...and the husband passively goes along with it.
Moving is not an option for many people! I mean, I cannot imagine uprooting my family and from the home I've made "home" just to escape from overbearing family members! The only family I have who lives near me is my sister...all the others live out of state and I can tell you from my experience, they can be just as overbearing when they are visiting...and they are not even staying in my home for the time of their stay. Family comes into our space and assumes (because they are family) that they have rights to express their likes, dislikes, opinions, and such of how they think we should be doing things. As adults to these family members, we need to remember that in our house, our rules are OUR RULES. It's important to express to these overbearing people that you have a certain way of doing things...and it's not going to change just because they think it should change!
Totally agree with everything you wrote!!!
Love it!!! Except 3-4 hours away still isnt far enough. I am 3 from mine and she still expects me to drive down there Xmas day, stay 3 hours and drive home. Thats what i want for my kids, 6 hours in the car on Xmas.
set boundaries, leave your personal issues private, and (if possible) have a supportive husband and fil!
Like Jaimee, we cut off contact. It was best for our family for now. The only problem is now they send harassing text messages to me, not him. I just ignore them but sometimes it is hard.
We are doing the same as Jaimee K. and are actually in our second stint of cutting off contact. This includes BOTH my MIL and FIL.
My husband really showed his true character when his M. and dad started making our lives miserable. He stepped up to the plate like I have NEVER seen before. I can't tell you what a HUGE blessing my husband has been......he's super laid back and quiet but he defended us against them like no one could have!
I don't just let my husband deal with them because they like to make me feel horrible for putting him in the middle. So, we fight our battles together and now they know we are a united front.
Kay, your MIL sounds like a doozy! And you gave great advice! Good work!
