Bending but Not Broke... Yet.

R., I see from your profile that you are a CNA. You are a caregiver by trade and by nature.

It shows great substance that you are so deeply affected by others' troubles.

However, when your empathy for others affects your ability to love, laugh, relax, see and enjoy all the good all around you, it becomes counterproductive.

Here is a little prayer I found for you. If you're not religious, that's cool, too. No harm done either way, right?

http://www.caregiver.com/articles/caregiver/prayer_for_ca...

Empathy is a gift every mother possesses, don't let that gift become a curse, k?

We are all here sending you strength, Sister!! We wish we could do something to physically lift the weight off your shoulders for you. I am hoping with age, you will learn to make peace with yourself about things over which you have no control.

:)

You already know the answer - lean on God. These are all things you cannot control - you have to Let Go and Let God. It's the only way!

You wont break in half. I promise you this.

In the compounded time of less then even 9 months I: 1. Hit a child with my car. 2. Had my insurance Company give me the big middle finger because they refuse to work with my mental health Doctors ,I had been seeing for over four months. 3. Was made to go cold turkey off of Three heavy duty medications all at the same time. 4.Developed a life threatening eating disorder. 5. Went into Organ failure and was told I had to wait to have surgery...Just to make sure it was truly an emergency(since I no medical insurance..and my Car insurance refused to see that the eating disorder and organ failure was brought on by the fact I was pulled out of treatment and off the Heavy duty meds they had me on cold turkey, was all apart of the accident at that point). 6. A month after my life saving surgery, I had my then 4 year old admitted to Childrens for a Month that was so covered in sores when he tried drinking water he would just start bleeding out of his mouth(it took 4 trips to the ER to get anyone to take me seriously..Which in and of itself was maddening)...and to shorten my list 7. We just finished filing for Bankruptcy on over $100k in Medical Debt, all from my treatment, surgery and other medically related issues from my accident.

I look back and think about that small list of 7 things...and in and around those things I was also dealing with the day to day of being a mom to three..One with special needs.

I did not have a relationship with God until last year. I mean a REAL REAL relationship....Where I talk to him constantly. Through the big stuff...and to share the joy of the fun stuff...As a thank you to him for his glory and gift of that great moment in time.

All of the things you have listed are pretty tough. And overwhelming at that.

Keep your faith in god going.

Know it is not a sin to doubt him. It is human nature..Especially since we dont have the crystal ball to see ahead even a day.

Above all...KEEP TALKING about what you are feeling. To your spouse would be the best....allowing him time to share as well. If not the spouse find a friend or family member that is dedicated to listening to you vent..worry and talk through things(telling them in advance they are that person you will go to is the best thing...So you prepare them to listen and not feel like all you do is complain about life)Even someone from here(which is where I found alot of my support and still do).

It is when you stop talking, you start holding in feelings...which then can put you to that tipping point.

KEEP TALKING:) We are always here for you.

Well, I'll tell you what, I've been feeling similar: Not able to eat much, sleep much, and my mind is twirling around - can't seem to switch it off.

Someone told me, worrying is like praying for the negative outcome. Keep sending your loved ones up in bubbles of love, trust that you'll make it through, and keep on saying the serenity prayer.

Honestly, I'm still a mess, but after working at this for the past few days, having a couple really good cries when the kids are in bed, and talking it out when I can, I am feeling more flexible today.

My best to you. I'll be praying for those little girls.

I don't have any answers for you but I just wanted to send you some hugs. You are going through hell and I am so sorry for your losses. Please know that my family has been praying and praying for the girls and their families and loved ones. Keep trying to remember that it will get better. You are strong. Keep coming here and talking to us whenever you need. We are all here for you to lean on.PM me if you need to get some stuff out. You are part of the mamapedia family and family supports family. If you feel that you need to just scream or vent some stuff out other then just typing it out let me know and I can give you my phone number. We're all here for you and we are pulling for you.
Hugs. Hugs. And more hugs.

PS Theresa and GrammaRocks- you guys are so wise and awesome. I love reading your posts.

Have you been able to schedule some time for you? You really have a full plate, but sometimes to deal with stress, being by yourself screaming crying or whatever you need to do is the best.

I will say a prayer for you.

God Bless

It is hard. You just have to put one foot in front of the other and do it. You make up lots of lists of things to do and check them off as you do them daily. You make a new list for the next day and to the same thing until they are done and the crisis(es) are over.

Mine crisis started four years ago and I had to do the list method. I also began a survivor mode to survive. Hubby was flown out on a flight for life for a blood clot in the brain. The surgery was done near the end of the golden hour and he survived. I was out of work for six weeks living in the hospital coming home about every three to four days to check on things and do laundry feed the cat, mow the lawn and pay bills. I was fighting with the mortgage company about payments and things. So fast forward into another year and he has a rare blood disorder and another round of hospital stays and treatments daily for six weeks of blood plasma and such. All during this he has cancer treatments. The stress and the strain are emense but so is life. The only things that were stable in my life during all of this were the cat and my job.

When the darkest days were over I felt like I was a ball of fire that had been spewed out of the foundry and came to rest. I guess you could call it a test of strength and how well you will and can endure what has been placed in your path. The old saying that "God doesn't hand you things you can't handle". It is during these times of strife that you find out who you are and who your spouse really is.

Our son was in a horrible car accident he was hit head on on a road in Colorado Springs this February and had his left thigh and right leg broken. It took over 45 minutes just to get him out of the car. He was wearing his seatbelt (another story) and was lucky. Doctors say to him no weight one either leg for two months so that the bones can mend and heal after surgery of rod in thigh and pins in leg. We went up for a week and I took care of hubby and son as wife had to go out of town for her job. So here he is a new husband of three years and out of work for three months.

Keep the faith and know that there are many people who pray for you that you don't know that help you get through this. I can't tell you how many peoples' prayer lists we were on throughout the country and possibly around the world. We are still on some of them.

When all is said and done you will be different people and you will be stronger.

You are in my thoughts.

The other S.

PS It will get better. I say that God was carrying me so much that the footprints were up to his underarm pits during my struggles.