Being Supportive - Tinley Park,IL

When it comes to family, i think being blunt is just fine. My mom says "Shxx or get off the pot"; you can only stand to hear the same thing over and over so many times.

If the same complaining has been going on for 2 years and you see they aren't doing a dang thing about it, it's time to tell them. Unless something really changes, don't talk to me about it. The line I like to use to my family is the definition of "Insanity" doing the same thing over and hoping for a different outcome. It's just not going to happen. People don't like being called insane, specially family. Then say, if you truly make an effort to change this situation, I will support you, but don't think I'm going to feel sorry when you aren't doing anything about this situation.

I'm with MOM2KCK.
Good luck with it.

I've been in this situation before. The person will not change. I just had to put some space between us--for my own sanity!

Hate when that happens.

I find "Hmmmm" comes in well in situations like that. Just an acknowledgement that the person has spoken. If pressed for a further answer, "well, I guess that will change when you are ready" or "what do you think you could do to change that?" or "well, I guess you just have to accept where you are now and go from there" or something equally noncommittal.

Most people like this see themselves as victims in some way. Telling her that you are tired of hearing about it is only going to make this person more of a victim in their own eyes. A more neutral answer or question might just make that person be quiet about their self-gotten woes or change the subject altogether.

I think it is not being supportive if you keep enabling the pattern. I assume they want it to change if they are complaining. I will offer solutions and help but the help is never enabling. I mean something comes up you need a favor, fine. It becomes a pattern it also becomes enabling.

I feel like it says they don't value your sacrifice to help them if they keep doing it over and over. Not sure if that makes sense.

I am a no holds back kind of person. If someone in my family makes a stupid decision, so be it. If they complain about it, I'll tell them what they can do to fix it (if the advice is asked for). If it's not asked for but they do no better, I have no problem being blunt and telling them to fix it or shut up.

Well, I'm dealing with a situation now with a FRIEND...she is unemployed and is begging for help with things...I looked at her resume (along with one other mama from here!!) and we TRIED to help her. EVERY TIME it came back the same way...with a few MINOR changes.

SO what did I do when she sent me a message and asked what was wrong? I said - "You've asked for help. You've been given help. You have REFUSED to listen to what other people are trying to tell you. You keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, it's NOT going to change until you STOP and listen."

She did NOT like that - not one bit. She had to take stock of everything and realize her way was NOT working and she needed to listen to the advice of others...

You also need to know that some people do NOT know how to communicate without being negative or complaining....they call it venting...and some don't even realize they are doing it.

What do you need to say to this person should they complain again?? "If you would like to know what **I** would do if I were in your shoes. I will tell you what I would do to change the situation." and then go on to explain what you would do.

Good luck!!

I'm with Nervy as well.

Oddly, I don't have too many people complaining of these kinds of things to me. I guess the ones who have in the past didn't hear what they wanted, so they stopped coming to me with it. Like Nervy suggested, they see themselves as victims. If you don't buy in, they get nothing out of it by going on with the ruse.

I am a negative person. Overall I tend to point out the negative parts for every single situation.

I don't want to come off as that person who never has anything good to say but I learned this from my whole childhood and it's my nature now. You can't change an ingrained part of a person. If you don't like being around them I suggest you find excuses to not be around them.

I like Nervy's answer.

Best,
F. B.

Don't buy into the drama - this person is getting off on the attention. If the problem is solved, the attention goes away. Just be noncommittal. Say, "Yes, you've mentioned that before. I'll be interested to hear more when you decide to do something about it." Then change the subject. If they persist, you can add, "Has something else happened since the last time you told me about this?" If the answer is yes, listen. If it's no, then go back to "Well, let me know when something changes."

I'd stop listening to the excuses and say, "Well, then, let's talk about something more pleasant. Do you want to go to the craft fair on Saturday? Have you seen the latest episode of 'Scandal'? Want some cookies?" Anything. Then walk into the next room to make tea or switch the conversation to someone else.

I will be supportive and listen and offer advice the first few times but however, if it goes past that, I have zero tolerance for this. I just flat out say, "'actions speak louder than words' so stop talking about it if you don't like it and do something about it. I can't help you and it stresses me out to hear about it when you decide not to fix it. So don't tell me anything more until you have solved the problem in a positive way." And no, it doesn't matter if it's my spouse but mine is a doer so I don't have this issue. lol Good luck.

Oh my I am dealing with something now like you are saying. My half sister, complained for eight years about her jerk plus husband. He sounded terrible. They have an eight year old son.They were 'poor' so I would send clothes. About her husband: She always couldn't stand him, hated him whenever we talked, wanted to leave him. I was pretty careful however when I talked to her.You know you can't say anything bad, just supportive, right? He Didn't pay the bills, the lights went off. The landlord came when he didn't pay the rent. she has sat in darkness, fear of losing her home and her husband lost his job when they found something in his system. She got pregnant somewhere in there and lost that baby.He has sounded like he is threatening her, and I thought she was scared.The entire time I have tried to be supportive, didn't put him down because you never know , right? she could stay with him.Well, she did. He lost his job, sat home for a veeeeery long time, continued to rack up problems. And now, well, after me stupidly listening and supporting her for all these years she is pregnant.and she talks as though nothing ever happened and they are living in all the love in the world. I want to scream. I will be thrilled to see the little baby, but do not understand what on earth she is doing..and my husband and I have done what we could.

In those types of situations, I figure:

* It's NOT my job to confront the person, get them to change their ways, etc.
* It's also NOT my job to pretend I'm fascinated by endless complaints.
* It IS my job to be civil and pleasant and polite.

So, I usually try to change the subject. And if I can, I try to change it to something interesting, so we can actually have a decent conversation and enjoy ourselves, because why not?

Can you tell I'm not really the confrontational type?

Ugh...going through this now with someone who "really needs to get back to work..."

What I want to say: "Really? Cause you've worked 6 months on the 5 years I've known you, probably worked a total of 2 years in your whole life!"

But instead, I ask "where have you submitted applications/research?"

The answer is always "...well I've been thinking about ABC or XYZ company...."
But this person never actually submits anything to anywhere!
Been having this exchange for almost a year.

So last encounter, I just said "Well, if you don't submit a resume do you think they'll come to your house looking for you?"
And then I changed the subject.
Can't. Take. O.. More. Conversation. About. It.

So, obviously, I cannot be supportive in this situation.
If this was my spouse? Hard to be supportive.

In my circles, I am considered a/the no-nonsense, tough love friend. When I hear somebody complaining, my knee-jerk response is always "What are you/we going to do to fix it?" I may or may not say that aloud right away, but I immediately go into that mode. Before I put any more energy into thinking about it, I ask, "Are you just venting, or do you want to change this?" If the answer is venting, then I change my mindset and listen and laugh at it as much as I can stand. If the answer is change, then we talk in that direction. If I hear about it again and there's no sign of really wanting to take action, then I move it into the venting category and disengage. If I am asked for my advice, I say that I am not putting my energy toward something that he/she is not really interested in changing.

That's how I handle it. I actively assist only people who are interested in helping themselves. I've told relatives that I am willing to do only so much without seeing more effort from them. Then, I stop. I still love them and want the best for them. I just won't work against what they want for themselves. For them to remain in those situations, there is some reward, even if it's just something to complain about. If that's what makes their worlds turn, then I won't try to change that. They have the right to wallow; I just won't wallow with them.

Dealing with something similar. Hubby hates job, been trying to get a new one for about 3 years now, but needs to get retrained in another field before that's feasible. Refuses to go back to school, job training, nothing. Has no idea what he'd like to do ... just wants to do something else. Applies for jobs he's not qualified for and gets pissed when he doesn't hear back.

We had ANOTHER conversation yesterday about this and I flat out told him "I've said all I can say on the subject. We don't see eye to eye and I will not continue arguing. I will support you in whatever decision you make, but I am done talking about this."

Some people just like to complain, I guess it's their way of venting. My hubby does it too, in fact he's been on a rampage for a couple days now. He doesn't want to hear solutions, I guess he just wants me to agree with him. So, I try to empathize but there's only so much I can listen to and I tell him I don't know what to say and that he's stressing me out. I had a friend/coworker who was the same way, I figured out some how that she just liked to complain and didn't want fixing. Reminds of the scene in the movie White Man Can't Jump with Rosie Perez and Woody Harrelson where she's complaining and he's trying to fix the problem by offering solutions or whatever and she says she doesn't want it fixed, she just wants him to empathize (something like that).

So I've kinda had this situation someone thinking about leaving a spouse for years I listened and listened.....I couldn't take it anymore.

I Like Nervy Girl and Diane B's responses...I'm going to remember those as they are a little gentler then what has come out of my mouth.