Being "Nosy" or Being "Concerned"

If it were under different circumstances, I would say you were being a concerned aunt.But since it was at school and you were subbing for the teacher, you were at the professional level. I think they took great offense because it came from you at school. Let it go and I wouldn't tell this family anything else about the boy. Its sad they reacted this way.

I assume you were concerned. However, my son always wears pants and shirts with sleeves or legs too short. One reason is that is skinny and if I go a size larger the pants will just fall off his body and a bigger shirt would look like a tent on his tiny body. He also has his favorite shirts which get worn until they are rags. I would be very offended if someone pointed out that he wears those things because they think we neglect him or because we are poor and can't afford new clothes. So, I see how grandma would be offended. I guess next time you will have to remember that you are there as a sub and not as a family member.

Your heart seems to be in the right place, but you need to be able to separate your personal and professional worlds.

#1 rule of teaching/subbing in a school with family members - you treat them as if they were a stranger.

As a sub, would you have called about this issue if you did not know the kid? If so, is the grandmother listed as the primary contact? Did you first speak with the principal or counselor about your concerns? If not, you make errors both professionally and personally.

It would have been better to wait until your sub job was over, then personally speak to his parent(s) as a concerned relative. They would probably still call you nosy, but at least you wouldn't have muddied the waters of your job.

I think it depends on how you started the conversation and how often you talk to the grandmother. If you never talk to her and suddenly call about this child's issues then I can see why she would take it as you stirring the pot. If grandma is someone you talk to often then she's probably be more open to what you were saying.

If you truly think your great nephew has issues then bring it up to the school therapist. The no friends part if a red flag that something's up.

Nosy and unprofessional. I understand where you're coming from, but when you are working in a professional capacity, you treat your relatives the same way you treat any other child. If these are things that greatly concerned you, there are appropriate channels through which to raise issues - calling a relative directly (who isn't a parent or, it seems, the primary custodian) is NOT the proper channel.

My husband's aunt is an aide in the school that my step-daughter's brothers (on her mother's side) go to. She crossed a boundary last year with them that almost screwed up a CPS investigation, a custody battle, could have gotten her fired and led to many months of strained relationships with us. All by innocently opening up her mouth and speaking as an aunt and not a professional. Please treat your professional obligations seriously and leave family ties out of your work. If you truly believe that ANY child is being neglected or needs help, use the proper in-school resources to vet your concerns.

Oh, heavens! Don't you know? When I want to tell you what's wrong with your child or grandchild, I'm being concerned. When YOU want to tell ME what's wrong with my child or grandchild, you're being nosy!

It takes at least two people to make a situation about this. But some folks take offense, bear-like, at anything that seems remotely like criticism; some people take offense as a reaction to the chain of frustrating events that have already happened during the day; and some people just don't want to hear it.

On the other hand, to say something that sounds even remotely like fault-finding, and actually to be heard, takes skill. Even the tone of one's voice must be right, and one must choose the right words to say.

It was good that the school called you to get your side of it.

When my children were that age, I would have appreciated someone letting me know about torn clothing, if I knew the person was a friend. In fact, sometimes one of the teachers would warn me, as I was in the pick-up line, "I just want you to know in advance that your son's shirt acquired a big hole this afternoon. He got it playing with the other children on the jungle gym." That told me that I'd have mending to do that evening and that it was an accident, not a catastrophe or an altercation.

So I think I might have mentioned this event to the child's teacher, but I wouldn't have talked to the family. I'd let that be the teacher's job.

Sorry sweetie, you were being nosy. I get where your heart was, but it doesn't translate.

You were concerned but just didn't think through how to handle it before you picked up the phone. In hindsight, it would have been better not to call, especially if these are not very close relatives you talk with often, and especially as you were in that setting as a professional. I would have mentally filed away the fact about the hole in the shirt and, later, found a reason to call grandma (or maybe another relative -- she sounds like a piece of work) to chat about other stuff, and just brought up, "I saw Sammy at school the other week -- nice to see him -- how's he doing these days?" without mentioning the hole.

Her very defensive response does raise a red flag, to me. The fact that it's grandma you called and not a parent is another one; is he living with her for some reason? And the fact that you mention he doesn't have friends "probably because of the way he treats them" says volumes-- are you saying he's not the nicest kid and might be a bit of a bully himself?

Sounds like there is more going on with this boy and the family overall than you can really try to fix. I'd just let this go, especially as she called the school --which could have (may already have) jeopardized your working with them again. If you work there again and see him and feel there are still issues, you might talk privately to the school counselor and ask if he or she can just check in on the boy and his family.

Yes... that sounds nosy and uncalled for to make a phone call to a distant relative based on pretty much nothing. Is the grandmother even on the school's contact list? If not, than you could get into trouble for that.

Now, to look out for neglect there would be more issues, especially if you have other information than you can speak with the school officials about them, which sounds like you might since you mentioned the grandma is the only one who really cares about this child. Really, a slightly short jacket and a hole in a shirt describes about half the boys in my son's class (my son included). And you just assumed his jacket was short, or when/where the hole occurred, so you called without really even knowing the situation (was the hole already there, did it get ripped at school...?)

If a large rip/hole would be discovered on my child's clothing, his teacher would send me a kind not home letting me know that it happened, and apologizing for it.

Nosey! if you sincerely cared you could have J. gotten your nephew a new coat and shirt J. because and mailed them over or taken him out for them, and not mentioned anything. it seems like you were searching for something since you didnt notice his coat was bunched up

unprofessional too.

I don't think you were being nosy. However, when you are subbing, you are wearing your "professional" hat and not your "great aunt" hat. Just let it go...

You would seriously want the school to call you if they noticed that your child had a hole in their shirt?

That's way over the top. I also would have been offended because in reading your post it appears that you thought the child was being neglected. The grandma I'm sure got that same feeling.

It doesn't sound like you were being nosy, it sounds like you were trying to stir up some drama and cast some shadows on this child's parents.

OK first YOU know the background of this family. YOU were not being nosy. this child is being neglected at home and that is why he is a bully. dirty or ripped or to small of close is neglect anyway you look at it. Hopefully someone will pay a little attention to him before he grows into a monster. people should be a little nosy. kids are being abused so much to many people turn their heads. that gma should be ashamed of herself and so should most of these parents.

I vote that you were being concerned. Stay away from that passive aggressive branch of the family.

I say nosy.
My kids go to school with holes in their shirts a lot. NOT because they don't have plenty of un-holey shirts...but because they love those stupid shirts! We also had a dog for a short bit who was always nipping at their shirts and pants.
You were a sub teacher. Regular teachers would not call a parent about a shirt with a hole, you shouldn't have either.
L.

J., there are all kinds of people in this world. Some of them will say all kind of things to you when you attempt to help them (even if they have asked for help.) Some will appreciate your help. Obviously, this grandmother doesn't.

I don't think you were being nosy. I can't tell if you mentioned that the child didn't have friends, but that would be too much info in my opinion. The other was fine.

If you see too much of this, you might want to actually go see the parents and try to assess what is going on.

Good luck!
Dawn

I'm shocked at the number of kids who are allowed to pick what they wear, holes and all, whether they fit or not, colors don't matter, wrinkles and all. In my day in school it was not allowed and if it would have been at school parents usually didn't allow it. So maybe check with the child first as to what happened, why he had a hole in the shirt, maybe the coat just was too small and all he had. I would not have called the grandma. If you are concerned I think you could say something to his teacher when she returns and ask if always has clothes like this or if he needs more and see if you can help him get more somehow if that's the case.

I would have went over and said Hi, then asked how he got the hole in his shirt. If it appeared to be an issue that needed to be addressed I would have brought it to the attention of his teacher.

"IF" I were close to the parents, you don't even know how to get hold of them, I would have simply used my cell phone on a break and called the family member and chatted a moment then mentioned he had a tear in his shirt.

Nosy, but I do understand where you're coming from. I work at my kid's school as a lunch/recess supervisor. I see a lot! What I would have done in that situation is asked the boy, "Hey, what happened to your shirt?" If it happened that day, I would have then said, "Make sure you tell your teacher what happened." if he/she doesn't already know. Otherwise, I wouldn't say anything, especially to a third party!

I am friends with many of the kids' parents and there are strict guidelines as to what I can and cannot say regarding their own kids let alone other people's kids. It's a very fine line and I always talk to my supervisor (assistant principal) if I have any questions or concerns. Sometimes I do speak to the teachers directly, but they or the administration will contact the parents, not me.

I'm going with concerned. But I think you took the wrong track to address it.

Instead of calling Grandma (is she on the family's contact list as an approved contact from the school?), you should have asked your nephew what happened. "Hey, bud...how'd you get that hole in your shirt?" Then, just take note of it in your memory.

I think it was poor judgement to immediately call Grandma, or even his parents. Next time, do a little detective work. Watch and listen. If what you find adds up to neglect or bullying, mention your concern to the school so his regular teacher can pay closer attention.

And, for the record, I would have been concerned with ANY child who had a big hole in his shirt. I think you would have been too.

I don't see why it matters in what capacity you were acting when you saw the hole... Seems like concern to me. You are familly after all. So if your grand nephew was getting really teased or something a teacher wouldn't call home about but was hard on the child, you're supposed to ignore it bc you're only a "teacher" that day? I don't get it.

I don't think I would have said anything. I'm sure his guardian would inquire when he got home. If he was bleeding or otherwise injured, I would have, but not over ripped clothes.