This post felt a bit disjointed - but I am sure that is because there are so many little details in a big family to make up the whole picture, and I am sure that can be difficult to put together in a few paragraphs, especially when hurt feelings are involved. It seems like your daughter is probably at a stage in her life where some selfish, bitter issues are coming out. You feel like you do a lot for her....she is a single mom living with you and you provide her with free daycare. In her eyes, she probably feels like she went without her whole life, and that, as her parents, you SHOULD help her, and this is something she can force you to give. I am not saying that is right, I am just saying, that it sounds like that is probably her attitude. It also sounds like her feelings get hurt because it doesn't sound like gifts are really given in the correct spirit in your house. Yes, she tells you what she wants, but think about it.....rather than going out and getting it, and giving it (maybe with a gift receipt for easy exchanges if the color isn't correct), your husband, who is an adult and a parent and should be mature enough, throws a fit, doesn't get her a gift, for whatever reason, and then throws up his hands and blames it on her and you back him up by blaming her general attitude, and that she shouldn't be upset, because he WANTED to take her shopping...what's wrong with that?! When she does get a gift, she probably feels like it comes with frustration..which it sounds like it does-probably, if she gets the coat she wants, but it's in a different color than she likes, she probably gets eye rolls and the immediate reaction that she is spoiled and nothing is ever good enough.... But to be honest, it sounds like she may not want a ton of things to unwrap...but at least ONE, from the person who drew her name according to your current family rules. Of course feelings are going to get hurt and that is going to carry over from year to year. I know my mom gives me presents every year, but the thought that goes into them is spending the least amount of money possible, and checking a box that getting something for me is done. Fortunately, I am at the point that I can take it for what it is and concentrate on my own family, but your daughter is still really young and trying to figure out how she wants her life to be.
Then there is the issue of the boyfriend. You made it sound like he is from a nice family that probably does holidays and birthdays in a big manner....the kind of manner that she is envious of. She probably goes over there and receives gifts for Christmas from them, and feels awkward or embarrassed that your family doesn't do things that way, and won't reciprocate when he comes over...and is she wrong? It sounds like you guys don't even want the boyfriend, that you say is nice, over at your house. Since there are so many issues that make everyone feel awkward and have hurt feelings, sit down with your daughter, but don't gang up and attack her....that will do nothing but alienate her further. Ask her what it is that is troubling her and what she wants from you guys....not just presents, but for life in general. Explain that you, as a family, cannot do things the way other families will necessarily do them, but this is your arrangement. Absolutely, you have the right to let her know that you do support her and help her in your own way, by letting her live with you rent free and provide her childcare. These things are NOT typical, but it is how YOUR family works, and everyone needs to understand that. Maybe try suggesting that you guys start from a clean slate. Take suggestions on gift giving strategies...name draws or whatever....and then vote on it with all of your children, so that everyone clearly understands the rules. Specifically address the issue to significant others. And DO NOT bring up old issues or make comments about how lucky you are that another daughter is happy to do the cooking while another one only complains. Once you come to an agreement - move on.