I'm having a horrible problem with my 4 year old. She started a new daycare about 2 1/2 months ago and it started out wonderful but now I'm being told that she has no respect for the teachers or authority there. She is asked to sit down at circle time and instead she will start doing tumbling or she will get up and walk away with a smirk on her face. She was kissing on little boys 2 times now and when asked to stop she would grab her leg and start licking and biting on her shoe. These things had stopped and she was behaving but now I am told that on Friday she bit another child and threw legos at them. When told that they were going to call her father she looked at them and said.. Ok, do it. he doesn't pick me up today. That irritates me more than anything. Her father and I have been apart for 3 years now and divorced for a little over 1 year.. so i dont think that is the issue since there's always been issues with her father and i since her birth.....Both her father and I are on the same page as to how we will deal with these issues when it occurs but its as if she has no fear regarding anything we do to her. I told her yesterday that if she had misbehaved yesterday that I was going to put her in her room and the only time she was to come out was for a bath and dinner and that seemed to work yesterday b/c she was very good.. but I have a feeling she will try to test that too. Any suggestions on how to deal with this type of behavior? (She and her sister are in counseling and I will discuss with the therapist next appt but in the meantime I wanted to see what else I could do..) thanks :)
*I guess i need to add here that she is going to be 5 in December. When she is at home she sits still watching tv and coloring and I do not have these type of problems AT all with her (except her back talking). its only at the daycare setting.
Bored children who aren't given clear boundaries will continue to test those in charge of taking care of them-if this preschool cannot provide this it is time to move onto someplace that will. My husband HATES routine but it works wonders for our children. When we started to notice a pattern of negative behavior at the old daycare we switched, our 4 y/o is now thriving. Just a "food for thought"
Well, as a preschool teacher (who has seen some of this before), my question is simply "What's being done to correct the behavior?" That is, if this is specific to preschool/daycare, what is the teacher or provider doing when these things come up?
Biting at this age should mean exclusion for the day, a call to parents to pick up and take her home immediately and she stays alone until the parent comes.
If the teacher is asking a four year old to be present at circle, the choice is simple:you may sit and participate, or you may sit *over here* away from where she might disrupt the group. I used to have one child in my group who wasn't 'up' for participating immediately-- he was welcome to go to the library corner to look at books quietly, but by the time he was four he was expected to come to the circle unless there was a good reason. Preschool is meant to prepare children for kindergarten; there, sitting in the group is not an option. We do well to start those routines now (and to keep our instructional time very short!).
Throwing legos: she needs to check in with the other child (adults should be providing strong social coaching at this age) and then clean up the Legos before returning to play. If she refuses, she needs to sit in a chair until she's ready to comply.
At preschool, being rude to adults means sitting alone until you are ready to check in with that person and change your tone/way of talking. If a child was having a hard time with this in regard to other children, I'd find something for them to do on their own for a while. "I see you are sounding angry and need a break; you may play over here" or take them to the cozy corner (a quiet place for one child only) to work alone until they are more relaxed.
I think kids need strong caregivers/teachers with strong classroom management skills for a daycare or preschool environment to be beneficial. It would be worth it for you to stop and look in before pickups and stay a while to peek after drop-offs. Does the teacher seem to have control of the room? I'm not saying that it's entirely the teacher-- really, I'm not. However, since the rule of thumb is that the child usually does worse for the parent than the teacher, I have to wonder what else is at play.
Keep up with the counseling, talk to the therapist about it, and see what sort of feedback you get. I've had some pretty strong-willed children in my groups, from time to time, and we've always gotten things under control pretty quickly. What I usually notice is that the behavior I see at preschool is only an extension of what's going on at home, not always rooted at school, which is why the 'classroom management' piece came to mind. Good luck!:) Four can be tough!
I highly recommend the book "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline that Works at Home and at School" by JoAnne Nordling.
I applaud you for bringing your chilren to therapy. I know that you are frustrated and worried right now, but your daughter may just be going through a phase. You are doing the right thing with following up with discipline at home. Don' let up on her until she gets back on the right track. Kids are smart. She may be trying to play you and your ex-husband against one another even though you and your former spouse are working together on this. It's not easy being a single parent and holding down a job too. Don't forget to praise your daughter for doing things the right way too. Kids love getting caught doing the right thing!
K.
Licensed Teacher
Mother of two grown children
I simply ditto what Hazel W advised, excellent advice.
She appears to be a smart cookie! Sounds like she is bored. She may not be ready for "circle time" meaning that she is young and needs to go go go. I take my 5 yo to story time at the library. Some kids will sit very attentively while others have ants in their pants. All are normal kids. There is no way my son would have sat still at 4, now at 5 he does and is ready for kindergarten where they need to sit and pay attention. Now as far as the behavioral issues, she is really smart knowing that threatening to call her dad on his off days is going to do nothing to her! You on the other hand are smart as well by putting in to place your own consequences for bad behavior and following through with it! Follow through is soooo important! Her daycare provider needs to know that threatening to call dad is not going to be effective and that your daughter needs immediate consequences. I don't think your daughter is ready for circle time and the daycare needs to recognize that and offer an alternative. If your daughter doesn't sit still during circle time, then they should have something else for her to do, she is young. If it makes you feel better, when my daughter was four I threatened to throw all her Barbies in the trash since she wouldn't clean them up and she said okay. Hate it when they call your bluff! I had to figure out a better way to handle it and mind you my daughter was such an easy kid! Your daughter is going to test the waters and see what she can get away with. That's what they do at this age. Instead of punishments for bad behavior see if she responds better to rewards for good behavior. Each kid is different and it sounds like your little one is going to give you a run for your money but also that she is very bright!
Bravo for Hazel's advice. And that is great for you to be taking her to the therapist. I am sure you can figure it out and nip this behavior. If it keeps up she will get kicked out of daycare. So I think next step is to meet with her teacher and the adminstrators there and work out a game plan on what happens any time she acts up and if you just have to pick her up the moment it happens, or how serious it becomes, etc. A lot of times with biting they will give them a few chances and then they are out and asked never to return to the school...
Is she sincerely apologizing to these poor little kids in class, for throwing the legos and for biting?!
I think there has to be some strong repurcussions each time something bad is happening, not just as school, but at home also - either taking away treasured toys, time outs, not allowing any tv time, etc.
All the best - I'm sure you will get it worked out and it will be good if you and her father are on the exact same page with how behavior will be handled.
Just the fact that you posted means you are a concerned parent who wants what is best for your child and her school and wants to get it all resolved!
Thank you all for the great feedback. I will definitely utilize all I've read here and see what, if anything, will work with this child of mine. Thank you again.
