Behavior Problems - Sunland,CA

Dear S.,

Well, she is a little girl and can't do that sophisticated thingy about being happy for someone else yet. Her brain isn't fully developed yet, and let me tell you something scary - it won't be finished developing until about 25 years of age. Um huh, that is true, correct and scientifically proven.

You need to love her and tell her that you understand how much she would like to take Boomer home. I personally think that it is a tacky thing to do to young kids - super kid good grief, they all are super kids. and so is your daughter. Get her a Boomer of her own, and she needs to keep it home, by the way. Name it her name of Superkid or something like that.

Give her lots of love, yes I know you already do that, but do it more. and show lots of respect to her, and ask her what her opinion is - females love that - and tell you that you are going to teach her how to be a wise woman - she will love that. You know what to do.

Sincerely, C. N.

Hi, S.. I feel like I'm lacking enough information for a more thorough answer. In short: You can't MAKE her be happy - for a friend, for anything. So telling you the truth about how she feels shows that she feels safe with you; protect that, first and foremost. To do so, you don't have to do much more than listen and validate HER reality. I would never recommend encouraging a child to fake any emotion. That could end up separating her from her own emotions and becoming very confused, overly self-sacrificing and unfulfilled, later. I do think that most school-aged children are capable of being "polite (not making faces or using hurtful words)," but that's separate and doesn't fix the problem. There is a deeper issue that needs to be worked on with her. She seems to feel that someone else's happiness diminishes her own, as if there's a limited supply. I would look into what has made her feel this way, and work from there. It can be fixed.

The best to you,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

How old is she because I think this sounds like very normal behavior for a little kid. I wouldn't worry about her not being happy for her friend. From what I've learned in parenting classes, just acknowledge her feelings "you feel sad that you weren't picked?" "Not getting picked feels bad doesn't it." that kind of thing. Then, later when she's in a happier mode talk about what she can do to get Boomer and discuss what her friend did to get Boomer and that maybe she can do it too. Also just let her know that just becuase the teacher didn't pick her to be the super kid, she'll always be the super kid to you.

Good luck!

Hi S.,

I'm hoping your daughter is in Kindergarten or a higher grade because I would not consider having a "superkid" appropriate practice in a preschool setting. I know that in my son's kindergarten they did start this type of practice (although they called it "superbee" and sent home a toy bee) and the point was to help kids learn to take turns and to celebrate each others successes. I would talk to your daughter's teacher & let her know that your daughter is struggling with this concept & may need some extra encouragement during the naming of the "superkid".
At home, you could look for books that encourage celebrating other children's successes- I really like Veggie Tales for these kinds of lessons, but I'm sure there are plenty of similar books you could find in your library. You can also make sure that you model the behavior of being happy for other's successes in front of your daughter. Yes, you can validate her feelings of disappointment to let her know that you understand, but I wouldn't want to encourage this reaction. Instead, once she was feeling calm, I would help her put herself in her friend's shoes by having her imagine that she was the "superkid" of the week. Ask her how good she would feel to be the "superkid". Then, have her imagine that her friend was feeling sad & crying because she wanted to be the "superkid" instead. Ask your daughter how that would make her feel. Would seeing her friend so sad take away from some of her special feelings about being named "superkid"? Maybe it's hard for her friend to see your daughter feeling so sad. Maybe she can try to find a little happiness in her heart for her friend, even though she is disappointed for herself.
Honestly, while I think some people naturally feel empathy, for others (like me!) it takes some practice & guidance to learn, and the earlier you learn it, the more fulfilling your life will be.

C. : )