Behavior Problems - Jacksonville, FL

I unfortunately dont have any advice for you, however I want you to know that you are not alone!! My almost 4 year old is just going crazy lately!! He throws a fit just about every time you say no or just something he doesnt like!! Luckily for me he is wonderful for my parents so that gives me some break! Sorry I dont have the answers. I know that it helps me to know that I am not the only one going through some of these things! So if you get any advice that works please let me know!!

A.

R.,
I too am a single mother of an almost 4 yearold...mine is a girl though, I will tell you mine is difficult, I know part of it is because of her age also I have noticed similarities to other only child, children....compaired to other only children she seems right along with them but compared to children with siblings she is a terror...I think it will pass, but I am looking to get her involved in as manythings that involve other kids...it is hard being a single parent with no help with care...I know how it feels like you never get a break!!!! But I think with time it will get better...for your own sanity you might want to look into getting a babysitter one night a week to have some time to yourself I know once I started doing that I am alot less stressed! also if you ever need a friend to vent to my email is ____@____.com good luck!!!

First off I congratulate you on seeing a problem and doing your best to look for an answer. Some parents now a days ignore it to a point of no return.

I know I may get a some hate mail about this statement, but it is my opinion. I am sure there are children out there who truly suffer from ADD and ADHA. I don't believe however that there are as many as they diagnose. I think sometimes that is the "easy" way out. Medicate them and turn away. I am not sying this towards anyone in particular or even your child, but I would be leary of medicating my kid unless I am very certain that they need that medicine.

MY suggestion would be like some of the others I heards. Set down rules, creat a reward system. Kids love structure (believe it or not) and they like knowing the boundaries. They can't follow the rules if they don't know that certain behaviour is unacceptable.

Plan a couple of hours everynight (if you can) to do a constructive activities with them. They will get to the point of looking forward to it. ONce they get to that point you can start using that activity as a restriction if needed.

Karate, Dance, Soccer, all of these could be an activity or you could even plan art projects at home. With Kids they don't have to be real intricate. Find a coloring book of their favorite character and you both sit and color. Or throw around a ball outside. These are things that don't cost much, but can make a huge difference.

It sounds to me that your child feels as though they lack attention, so they are trying to get it another way. THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY LACKING ATTENTION. I am not saying that you did anything to start this, but if you try activities with them they will fill the void they think they have, and you never know it could make them a more well-rounded person.

R., I have not had a chance to read the other responses to your request, but I can tell you what I did with my now 5yo when I had this problem with him. This is a little long, but I think you will find it helpful. I always felt that I disciplined him as much as needed, but when I really sat back I realized through the stress of it all I was not CONSISTENT. So here's what I did: I sat down with him (when he was not being bad) and told him that Mommy had been doing some thinking lately and I have set some new rules because Mommy wanted to help him grow up to be a really big boy. First and foremost there would be no more second chances. He was a big boy now and he knows what he is and is not allowed to do. Then I told him what I expected - to listen ALL of the time, no yelling, no pitching fits, no whining, no talking back, no misbehaving in public. Then I told him what the consequences would be EVERYTIME he did these things. I made a list for myself of a 1,2,3 step process for each behavior. Ex: Not Listening- 1) first time straight to time out for 4 minutes (face to the corner, no talking/crying) 2) second time (which would include not standing in time out like above)he did not get to play with his trains for the rest of the day (trains are my son's life- you need to find something of equal importance in your son's life.)and I would pick them all up and put them in the top of my closet 3) third time (to also include pitching a fit because of #2 action- and believe me he will.) we pack up ALL of his toys for the rest of the day. Every last one of them- I would even go as far as to clear his decoration sheets and blankets from his bed and give him plain ones. I even took the pictures off his walls.No TV, no books,no coloring, absolutely nothing. Trust me, he did not like that. When he would misbehave in public, I automatically went to #2 or #3 depending on the severity of it. That was unacceptable. Then the next morning, I would wake him up with a train in my hand and say "I know you are going to get to keep your toys today, aren't you? It was no fun without them, huh?" Show him you have faith in him, give him his toys back and tell him he gets to try again. And make sure when he gets in trouble, you always tell him what he did and why he is in trouble.
But I also had a reward system at the same time- Everyday he did not get a #1,2, or 3 he would earn a treat (I had a tin with a bunch of treats I knew he liked and he would get to pick one out.) Every week he did not get in trouble, he would get to go somewhere special of his choice that weekend for lunch (like the train station-which he loves). If a month without trouble, we would go to the toy store and let him pick out a toy. You can also do a sticker system- Everyday he is good he earns a sticker. After so many stickers he gets this, then after this many stickers he gets this, etc... I found the first idea to work better because he could get rewarded daily which helped him work harder. And ALWAYS remind him several times a day what he is working for "what treat do you want today? Where are we going for lunch this weekend? What toy are you going to pick out? Etc..." Make that reward always on his mind and talk about how he's going to get it. " I just know you are going to be so good today and get that treat. I can't wait to go have pizza this weekend."
The number one thing is that from this point on my middle name was "consistent." There were no fine lines between good and bad. No more saying "well, he wasn't that bad." It was this is bad and this is good. After about a week, I started seeing improvements (once he really realized I meant business.)It was still a long process with lots of crying, pitching fits, and testing me. But now in kindegarten he is getting awards for being a role model student and the teacher just thinks he is the best. A long ways from where he came from. So it was all worth it.
Write down the action and then the consequences to go with that action so that you make sure to always do it and do the same thing and STICK TO IT! It will be a BIG conversation for him to take it all in, but make sure you tell him your plans, then after he misbehaves say "remember what Mommy said?" Well, thanks for reading my book I seem to have written, but I hope this helps!

Sounds like you have your hands full.

Have you tried talking to your son about using his words instead of hitting? Give him examples of things that he can say to get his feelings across without hitting. Also let him know that it is okay to go to his room if he is really frustrated.

That said...I would imagine that whenever he is being agressive at daycare they are probably immediately separating him and making him take a time out. In my opinion you should do the same thing. The first couple of times you can give him a warning if you want. "We don't hit, you need to use your words (and give an example)". If and when he hits you again he needs to go to his room or somewhere for a time out and let him know that if he hits he will have to go to his room or wherever you set for timeout. Be consistent and after the first couple of times I would not even give a warning. I would just immediately send him to his room or whatever punishment you decide to use.

There are a lot of moms on here that have other options that time out and that is great. However, time out has always worked absolute wonders for my daughter as she absolutely despises being sent to her room and so the impact is immediate.

Whatever you decide to do be sure to be consistent. Have a plan ready so if he gets aggressive or does not listen to what you are saying when you are in public you already have a game plan. Consistency is key and after a few times (may seem like forever) he will get it. You just have to figure out what he dislikes the most and what is going to make the biggest impact.

If you get tough on him now and stay consistent he behavior will change for the better. I know that it is tough and you feel like you are constantly at odds with him but it will get better I promise.

Good luck and keep your head up and stay strong.

M. n.

Dear R.,

I see you have gotten several emails regarding your request so I will not repeat more of the same.

One other thing you can check is see if certain foods are a trigger. There are books and information regarding hidden allergies and how these can drastically affect behavior. If you keep a diary of what he eats and watch behvior you might find some triggers.

D.

have you had him tested for add/adhd i have a 7 yr old thats like that. we had her tested and found out that was the problem shes better but still has her moments.

You may have to ignore him when he acts up. He sounds like he might be looking for some sort of attention. Every child goes through it some younger than others. But if you ignore him and walk away he'll know that he can't act up. As far as daycare they'll probably have to put him in time out or make him sit during outside playtime and just watch the other children. You probably shouldn't introduce him to anyone you are dating until you're sure that the man will stay in your life for a while. This confuses a child and may make him act out. Children need security and discipline and having mom to himself may be what he needs. He's probably jealous of another man in your life, he may want to be your only "man" At his age he probably doesn't want to share you. And might be acting out on purpose just so he can have you to himself. Little guys are very protective and possesive over their mamas. So when he is past this stage and he sees that you found someone that makes you happy, make sure he makes your son happy too, and let him know that he's jealous and that he may have to make an extra effort to win your little guys heart. Don't worry it's probably just a little phase, even though it may seem like forever it will pass. You just have to stick to your guns and not give in to him. Eventually he'll understand that you mean business. Hope some of this helps. Also a child with allergies could seem to be unruly because they feel itchy all over which can make them go nuts, even if it doesn't show on the outside it could be on the inside. Also you may want to have him tested for adhd, they do have meds now that are safe, non narcotic, non stimulant like straterra. And putting him into an extra activity to use up his aggression would help alot like karate or soccer. Hope this all helps.

My son had similar issues & i put him in karate. It taught him disapline & respect. I could also use it as a reward for good behaviour. It really helped & my son loves it! Call 817-kick. They have several programs for kids & are very resonabily priced.

MY GRANDAUGHTOR HAD THE SAME TROUBLE WITH HER THREE YEAR OLD SHE WOULD PULL HER MOTHER HAIR AND JUST OUT OF CONTROLL FOR ANYONE TO WATCH HER. HER MOTHER TRIED IT ALL TIME OUT ,NO TOY, NO TREAT, SHE TRIED ANYTHING ANYONE TOLD HER. WHEN SHE HAD COME TO THE END SHE CALLED SOCIAL SERVICE AND THEY SEND A LADY OUT TO TALK TO HER. THEY WATCH THE CHILD HOW THEY ACT. AND A LOT MORE IT HAS HELPED SO MUCH. ONCE THEY EVALUATE THE MOTHER AND CHILD THEY DON,T STOP THERE THEY KEEP UP WITH THEM HOW THEY ARE DOING SO ON. THIS IS FREE AND SAVED MY GRANDAUGHTOR AND HER BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS...OLD GRANDMA

Hi R.,please run don't walk and if you can afford it have him tested for food allergies. I think Debra had mentioned allergies to you. Please look there first and don't assume it's a behavioral problem. Food allergies are horrible and can make a child feel like tearing the world apart and they don't know why they feel angry or bad they just want the yucky feeling to stop. My kids had milk allergies...giving them migraines. I also just found out I have a corn allergy. I had no idea just felt crummy for so long.Now I feel better and am getting my youngest 31/2years old tested. Good luck hon hope this helps!

Oh gosh- I remember 4 well. It started with my son jumping on another child during his forth birthday party and it didn't get any better from there. Developmentally- 4 is a busy time. It is one of the most difficult ages I have faced with a child. Here's an overview of typical 4 year old behavior/development. Just remember, this too shall pass. Five is a lovely age.

FOUR YEARS ("Out of Bounds")
The four year old is, almost more than the child of any age, out of bounds -and out of bounds in almost every direction.
They hit, kick, throw things, run away and break things. Emotion¬ally they alternate loud silly laughter with fits of rage. Verbally, they are quite profane, using four letter words, bathroom and elimination words, rhyming them, singing them, laughing at them.
Socially they love to defy parental commands and seem to thrive on being defiant. A terrible toughness has come over them, they swear, swagger, boast and defy.
Imagination has no limits at 4 either. The line between fact and fiction is very thin. They are not "lying"; they may actually come to believe their own imaginings, which become real to them.
Suggestions:
1. Remember that out of bounds behavior is typical - even important at this age - It is not personal. Set firm limits kindly.
2. Give opportunities for them to test themselves out: let them expand their physical borders in the neighborhood, (Be watchful!) let them visit neighbors, run ahead on walk and wait at street corner.
3. Allow them to make lots of decisions about their own lives - (...thin limits - what to eat, wear, do, play with, etc.) Point out the wisdom of their choices to them.
4. Take naps!

I totally agree that, this too shall pass! 4 year olds are a test of ones patience! I dont know who coined the term 'terrible twos' because it should've been 'foul fours'!!! My sweet, quiet, snuggly little princess just turned 4 and she is none of the above anymore!!

If you TRULY feel like you are at your wits end call FDLRS (dial 211 and ask for the number for 'fiddlers')and they will refer you to someone who can help you. There is an early intervention program that may be able to help you with his behavioral concerns. Good luck!!!

~G